Is this normal in relationships?

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Marriage is for people who aren’t interested in that excitement that comes with somebody new and completely different, but in the excitement that comes with somebody old and familiar and still highly desired and loved.

Yes!!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Miss Spider said:

I just want to be able to flirt and be free and no, I’m not going to cheat. It Is highly, highly unlikely I  become the “married woman who has an affair “ . It’s not me and I just do not lead with my D in that way, I don’t care about. But I have been thinking it is harmless to flirt the way I’m (using that term) I see my friends do it all the time. A has an SO and he’s out of town a lot and she goes  out all the time without him.  The way I mean flirt is just making eyes, bantering, chatting, making the person feel special.

You are flirting with fire, that is what you are doing. 

My husband is the kindest, sweetest, more loyal and loving person… He is my best friend in this world. He is a very reasonable and not in any way controlling guy. He would have a real problem should I go out and make eyes, banter, and make another man feel special. 
 

1 hour ago, Miss Spider said:

I flirt with women all the time by my definition

This is what people do when they are making decisions that they know are not good or appropriate decisions. They come up with a laundry list of justifications and excuses for their behavior… and this is a perfect example.
 

1 hour ago, Miss Spider said:

I don’t think we are all monogamous creatures by nature. We choose monogamy and choices are limiting /have consequences  .

I don’t think we are all monogamous creatures by nature. But some people are, and you should not dismiss that with the argument that others are not. Problems arise when a monogamous person believes themself to be in a relationship with another person who does not share the same value in fidelity. 

For the record, it’s hard to say whether you are actually not monogamous or just really immature. That’s one of the things that you need to go to counselling to discover… 

Edited December 5, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Apologies, I should have better said immature in your knowledge and expectations about relationships. 

[NuevoYorko]

Not all of us are monogamous.  That's correct.  But not all of us are prepared to throw somebody under the bus because we want to have the thrill of picking up on a stranger.   

Frankly, so far, you have not said one thing that gives me an impression that your marriage is valuable to you.   You said you married him because you'd "pined" for him for a while but you so far have not said anything about your husband that gives the impression that you're interested in him in any way as a person, or in how he is feeling.   Evidently you got married because of a "crush" and now the crush is worn off ... what else is there?

So, again, I will go back to "get a divorce," unless you are able to talk frankly with your husband about what is truly important to you in your life and how the only way to get it is to be free to be with other men.   Possibly he might agree to an open marriage though I tend to doube that.   But it would be the only chance I could envision for your marriage to last for at least a little while longer. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

I just don’t know what it could be fixed other than i want a spark back and I don’t want to be trapped or controlled.  

I'm loathe to buy into his behaviour being trapping or controlling while knowing that you're all about wanting to flirt with and attract other men.  I actually suspect that your husband's reaction is consequence for your behaviour.

Quote

I want that excitement that comes with somebody new and somebody completely different that I find interesting and mysterious and vice versa.

 When it comes to long term relationships, that spark and excitement you speak of is from the love hormones your body releases.  It's not sustainable in the long term, and gets replaced by deeper love and different kind of sex.   

If you want the excitement and spark as part of your life, the answer is to stay single and sleep with all and sundry as you please.  But it won't give you long term emotional satisfaction.    Thing is, no matter which way you slice it, you can't have it both ways

 

One last thing...short of a partner becoming abusive out of nowhere, I'd be terribly embarrassed to leave a marriage after three months.  Are you not worried about being judged as selfish and unable keep promises?    Would you return the gifts you'd been given?   And unless you paid for all the venue costs, bridesmaid dresses, flowers etc out of your own purse, I think that at should reimburse those who spent their good time and money on your wedding

Edited December 5, 2024 by basil67

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm loathe to buy into his behaviour being trapping or controlling while knowing that you're all about wanting to flirt with and attract other men.  I actually suspect that your husband's reaction is consequence for your behaviour.

Perhaps it’s an exaggeration meant to justify the fact that she wants the freedom to flirt with other men and feel that “spark” again. 

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

This is the longest relationship I have had and it’s just been about three years now

In 2021 you were single and you've been married 3 years? That means you married still in your infatuation phase and now the infatuation settled, which is normal, you're wanting to seek that rush of oxytocin and newness again and again. You're a 'rush' addict. 

This being your longest relationship it kind of confirms usually you leave your relationship when you don't get that big rush anymore. 

This is worth discussing in therapy. You cannot tell me you are happy living with this constant need of a rush.

[Interstellar]

7 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

I do want ways to fix my marriage, but I just don’t know what it could be fixed other than i want a spark back and I don’t want to be trapped or controlled.  I want that excitement that comes with somebody new and somebody completely different that I find interesting and mysterious and vice versa. My husband sees my flaws and though he compliments me and we have etc , I am not lusted after by him as much as stranger bc I am ‘old’ to him. And that feeling is so exciting.

anyway, thank you for trying to help me and trying to understand. I really appreciate it. It does help and I take everyone’s words to heart

Aww…i miss your threads Miss, and welcome back.

The excitement you’re craving for now has turned into a quieter,  deeper kind of love. Not the screaming to the high heavens passionate kind like in the beginning. A much deeper one. That’s the way it is. Jonathan Franzen or Ido Portal could probably explain it more eloquently than I can. Those guys are very verbose. I can only do Hemingway. One to three sentences, hah. 

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. You promise each other that you’re in it for the long haul, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad, through sickness and health. Forever.  There’s this cloying sameness of being with somebody day in and day out especially now that you’re married. That sense of familiarity with the other person over time, this cloying sameness can eat away over the course of a relationship if you let it. That’s why it’s good to have space, whether in the house such as his/her dedicated room in the house or outside pursuits that doesn’t involve the other partner like a hobby or something. One of the Shark Tank investors sleeps in a separate bedroom from her husband and they’re happily married for a long time now. I think it’s important to have this space but also to take time for each other such as setting aside days every month to go on a romantic date or a little getaway where you both don’t talk about any problems but to just enjoy that time together for each other. Yo

Hope this helps in some way.

 

Edited December 5, 2024 by Interstellar

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

I just want to be able to flirt and be free

Then you should not have gotten married. 

You are not at all ready for it.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

In 2021 you were single and you've been married 3 years?

Per her other thread, I think she has been with him for 3 years but they just got married this past summer. 

Maybe she can clarify. 

[Miss Spider]

11 hours ago, Interstellar said:

Aww…i miss your threads Miss, and welcome back.

The excitement you’re craving for now has turned into a quieter,  deeper kind of love. Not the screaming to the high heavens passionate kind like in the beginning. A much deeper one. That’s the way it is. Jonathan Franzen or Ido Portal could probably explain it more eloquently than I can. Those guys are very verbose. I can only do Hemingway. One to three sentences, hah. 

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. You promise each other that you’re in it for the long haul, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad, through sickness and health. Forever.  There’s this cloying sameness of being with somebody day in and day out especially now that you’re married. That sense of familiarity with the other person over time, this cloying sameness can eat away over the course of a relationship if you let it. That’s why it’s good to have space, whether in the house such as his/her dedicated room in the house or outside pursuits that doesn’t involve the other partner like a hobby or something. One of the Shark Tank investors sleeps in a separate bedroom from her husband and they’re happily married for a long time now. I think it’s important to have this space but also to take time for each other such as setting aside days every month to go on a romantic date or a little getaway where you both don’t talk about any problems but to just enjoy that time together for each other. Yo

Hope this helps in some way.

 

 

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Per her other thread, I think she has been with him for 3 years but they just got married this past summer. 

Maybe she can clarify. 

 

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

In 2021 you were single and you've been married 3 years? That means you married still in your infatuation phase and now the infatuation settled, which is normal, you're wanting to seek that rush of oxytocin and newness again and again. You're a 'rush' addict. 

This being your longest relationship it kind of confirms usually you leave your relationship when you don't get that big rush anymore. 

This is worth discussing in therapy. You cannot tell me you are happy living with this constant need of a rush.

Thank you all so much for the advice.
 

I’m happy to report there is some resolution and I woke up today feeling more hopeful about my marriage. .:)

So yesterday I went to a party  with my husband and the guy I was crushing on was there as I suspected. He came up to my husband and I and they chatted. We exchanged *eyes* at each other all throughout the night, chatted a bit, I complimented him on something, he  offered to take a photo for my friend. Nothing inappropriate and my husband was nearby the whole time. 

 

I tracked his actions throughout the night and he proceeded to get very drunk and chatted up some women ( exchanging numbers with one) and continued to get drunker until he was sat by himself completely wasted with his head down. At that moment, the wool kind  of fell off my eyes. I felt pity for him. It just looked … sad. Weirdly enough, it seemed almost like a caricature of what I had been idealizing —the singles life. It was a reminder of how much  that I don’t really miss that life as much as I thought I did. 

 

But that wasn’t even the best resolution to come from the night. It was actually the fact that my husband and I got a little bit tipsy and had a good talk. One of the things I love the most about him is that we are able to have conversations like that. I told him I felt a little suffocated and resentful of himnot giving me space and being so judgmental about my friend. He apologized and echoed something along lines of what people like basil and Baileyb  said about that he found her to be an unsavory person and doesn’t like how she pulls me into drinking and partying. He doesn’t like how she’s flirty with dudes even in a relationship and although he knows I wouldn’t cheat, he feels like certain behaviors can rub off on people with association. He said he would try to give me more freedom and not judge my friend so harshly anymore. I told him I felt we were drifting apart. He said maybe we were but that in relationships people drift apart sometime and come back together. It’s to be expected. He said it felt that way because we’re currently at different places with what we want in life but it will be okay. Maybe it will. 
 

So yeah I’m not saying the spark is back but I just feel a lot better about things. 
 

Thank you 

 

Omg, @Interstellar,  so glad to see you here as well and still spitting wisdom !!

Edited December 5, 2024 by Miss Spider

[NuevoYorko]

I'd like to know more about your relationship with your husband.   I looked back on your past threads.  3 years ago it didn't even appear, from your posts, that you were in a relationship at all.  Of course I realize that not everything shows up on the posts, but you were mostly into your flirtations at that time. 

What has your relationship been like for the past 3 years?   What lead up to you deciding to marry 3 months ago?

[Miss Spider]

49 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'd like to know more about your relationship with your husband.   I looked back on your past threads.  3 years ago it didn't even appear, from your posts, that you were in a relationship at all.  Of course I realize that not everything shows up on the posts, but you were mostly into your flirtations at that time. 

What has your relationship been like for the past 3 years?   What lead up to you deciding to marry 3 months ago?

Ty yes IIRC, I met him late 2021. We became exclusive spring 22, engaged 23, and married a few months ago . you asked what I like about my husband. I idealized him when I first met him. I thought he was so cool and  talented and attractive, but then I realized he had a good heart and good character. He’s a hard worker and charismatic and passionate and caring . The list goes on. But the spark did wear off. I’d say about a year ago, but I still mostly felt happy with him until recently.  . However, going from dating to married / official has caused me to examine if I am truly happy and if this is really the person I want to be with for rest of my life . I feel like there is probably someone I could connect with better out there. I haven’t yet, but what if there is? 

 

 

Also…I spoke too soon with my last post. Despite our conversations last night, he’s reverted back to his clingy ways.I asked him if he could help me find keys and he asked me where I was going /how long I’d be. I told him he is a lot and I just want ‘me time’ and run errands. I said it’s just overwhelming how much he has to be around me and he said sorry he likes me and we kinda got into it . He again said something disparaging about my friend. It’s like we got nowhere 

 

I’m very annoyed, resentful, and don’t know if this can be fixed 

 

Edited December 5, 2024 by Miss Spider

[Els]

How old are you again...? Honestly your posts read to me like you're a person in her 20s who married her first real relationship really early in life. Either way, I don't feel like you are anywhere near ready to be married, and it's unfortunate that you rushed into it. Most people with happy marriages tend to do the whole "out all night" thing BEFORE they get married, not after. It's not that it's wrong per se, it obviously depends on the people involved, but it's just a natural progression. Most of us just stop wanting to party or stay out all night multiple times a week once we hit our 30s or so.

[flitzanu]

38 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

I said it’s just overwhelming how much he has to be around me

 

and yet, that's your marriage, forever, and always "being around each other" 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

He apologized and echoed something along lines of what people like basil and Baileyb  said about that he found her to be an unsavory person and doesn’t like how she pulls me into drinking and partying. He doesn’t like how she’s flirty with dudes even in a relationship and although he knows I wouldn’t cheat, he feels like certain behaviors can rub off on people with association.

But he had told you that again and again. I am not sure why you consider this a good conversation. You told him you felt trapped like you told him 100 times already. He said he's willing to give you more freedom, did you reciprocate with you're willing to not go out so often?

You went out to bars Tuesday night, Wednesday night, getting tipsy. Don't you work in the morning? 

All of us would really like to know how old you are?

[Miss Spider]

Sorry I didn’t see. Nah I didn’t go out Tuesday and I’m 31

[Miss Spider]

He hasn’t changed at all & he’s so incredibly annoying 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

 

2 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

Nothing inappropriate

BS. It is inappropriate of you to be "exchanging eyes"  throughout the night with another man you're crushing on. Come on. 

You want instant changes from your husband, but you don't seem to understand how changeworthy your own behaviour is. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Shouldn't a person KNOW after 3 years of dating as to whether marriage is a viable avenue?

One would think, yes. 

But sometimes people don't know until they're actually married, and then reality sinks in that is intended to be a permanent relationship. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

Also…I spoke too soon with my last post. Despite our conversations last night, he’s reverted back to his clingy ways.I asked him if he could help me find keys and he asked me where I was going /how long I’d be. I told him he is a lot and I just want ‘me time’ and run errands.

This argument is 100% your fault.   YOUR. FAULT.

Do you know how this would go down in my house?   I'd say "I've got nothing to wear!  Stupid clothes aren't made to fit big boobs 🙄  I'm going to X shopping mall to see if I can find anything.  I'll probably grab lunch there.  Hey, have you seen my keys?"  Or I might say "Child is driving me nuts.  I'm going to go for a walk to the bay and back to refresh my brain"

My husband went out yesterday.  He told me he has a quite a few errands and listed each one to me.   Then when he got home, he gave me the outcome of each errand  

If you learned to communicate, he wouldn't have to ask you these questions.   He wouldn't feel like you're locking him out.

You're a grown woman, so stop acting like a selfish child

 

 

Edited December 5, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

BS. It is inappropriate of you to be "exchanging eyes"  throughout the night with another man you're crushing on. Come on. 

You want instant changes from your husband, but you don't seem to understand how changeworthy your own behaviour is. 

 

 

Also cringeworthy.  Really.  It actually pulls my chain a bit reading this self righteous awful behavior.   Goo-goo eyes and now trash talking your husband.

He's the same guy you married 2.5 months ago.  It's just that then, I guess being a fancy bride or all the attention made it seem like a good idea.  Now that all that's behind you, you're no longer interested.  

OP - I am really serious - you look very bad here. 

Step up and be a stand-up woman.   Stop dragging your husband through your messy choices.  Cut him loose before he has to find out about you groping guys in a bar some night or whatever way you will play this out.   

It's not his fault.  YOU married him, and evidently you don't really like him.  

Ugh.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

and I’m 31

Sincerely, reading you l thought you were around 20-21.

You should live the way you want to live, and for you it means being single and free.

Not everybody is cut to be in a long term relationship.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

Sorry I didn’t see. Nah I didn’t go out Tuesday and I’m 31

You were 29 in 2021.