Affair

[Feel lost]

F40 M42 I have been having an affair with a married man for about 8 months. I had been single for over 3 years after a DV relationship and he has been with his wife since school. I don’t ask about the marriage, but listen if he confides in me.  I stay impartial and don’t give any advice or personal opinion that would suggest I want him to leave her.  I have heard through people associated with them both that the marriage isn’t great. He also told me the reason he won’t leave is due to his parents splitting up when he was young and he knows the effect it had on him, so won’t put his child through the same.  I disagree with this, but respect his choice. He has confided in friends about me and what’s going on, I have told no one. We message every day and see each other most weekends. He confides in me about a lot of personal stuff that he says he can’t tell anyone else and my gut feeling is he is telling the truth.  Last weekend he stayed at my house 2 nights and his wife never seemed to bother making contact or asking where he was. We have both said we are in love with each other. He tells me he thinks about me all the time and how things would be if we were together properly. He talks about certain nights we have been together and how much they meant to him and how comfortable and natural it felt and he hates when he has to leave and go home.  Sometimes we get carried away with scenarios about if things were different and how good we could be together. At the start I made it clear I knew what this was and I would never put him in a position or expect him to leave. He also stated he wouldn’t leave and gave his reasons. Since then he has made a few comments about leaving and where he would go, he also said at the weekend about marriage and how my name would sound with his 2nd name. I always laugh this off with a joke and don’t take it seriously. The reason I went with this affair is because the thought of a proper relationship terrifies me after the DV situation. However today he made a passing comment about when this ends and I was quite upset. I really don’t know why as it’s usually me who is the more realistic one when it comes to talking about the future and outcomes. Has anyone been in a similar situation or can give some advice on affairs?  I’ve never done this before. I feel guilty, but I really didn’t expect things to develop like they have. I don’t want to have the chat about what his intentions are, because I feel we made that clear at the start and I don’t want to go back on my word that I knew what this was and would never expect it to go anywhere. I feel for both of us this has developed deeper than either of us thought it would. I think maybe both our statements at the start have now changed but neither of us want to admit it. I feel confused but I don’t want to be the person who asks if he will leave his marriage. I feel what I’m doing is bad enough without asking that. 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, Feel lost said:

The reason I went with this affair is because the thought of a proper relationship terrifies me after the DV situation.

Does DV= Domestic Violence?  If so, you have put yourself in a position for more violence because you know nothing about his wife and what she will do to you when she finds out you're having sex with her husband.

12 minutes ago, Feel lost said:

I feel confused but I don’t want to be the person who asks if he will leave his marriage.

He's already told you he's going to stay with his wife because he doesn't want to put his child through a divorce.  Why are you confused?

[Feel lost]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Does DV= Domestic Violence?  If so, you have put yourself in a position for more violence because you know nothing about his wife and what she will do to you when she finds out you're having sex with her husband.

He's already told you he's going to stay with his wife because he doesn't want to put his child through a divorce.  Why are you confused?

Or she could be happy for him to leave! She might have been trying to get him to go for some time and he refuses because of the child 🤷‍♀️ I’ve never asked about his home life, I only know through other people it’s not great 

I’m confused because initially he made it clear he wouldn’t leave and now he talks like he is going to leave and what he feels about our future, but today made a passing comment about when this ends 

[Miss Spider]

Sorry to hear about your prior situation. I can see why that would appeal to you after coming out of such a relationship. It sounds like you caught feelings though. If I were in your shoes, I would take the flowery, idealistic things your MM says with a grain of salt. If he wants a future w just me  I would be expecting him to actually I make that happen, To keep a stack with you, it sounds like he’s having his cake and eating it too. 
 

I just can’t see how affairs can go on indefinitely with one person, but sometimes they do. I feel like once the flame kinda dies down and the affair kind of loses its appeal people move on to the next or revert their attention  back to their spouses and practicality. This is not always the case, though, but the fact that he said “when this ends”  would concern me too if I was considering longevity.
 

I’d suggest giving you a timeline or opening up your options and kind of not putting all eggs in this basket so to speak. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation though and I hope you figure out what’s best for you/your emotional well-being., 

Edited December 4, 2024 by Miss Spider

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Feel lost said:

The reason I went with this affair is because the thought of a proper relationship terrifies me after the DV situation.

This kind of statement always confuses me, because what you’ve done is engage in a relationship that is never going to be what you truly want it to be and because of that, it will ultimately cause you tremendous pain and heartache. 

You say that you have never placed the expectation on the man that he would leave his marriage and yet, you’ve clearly developed feelings for the man. You are also in full on fantasy mode in which, you talk about and fantasize about a future in you would presumably be together. 

This moral high ground to which you cling, the fact that you have never asked about his marriage or his intention to potentially leave the marriage, is a pretty shaky and unstable position on which you’ve chosen to establish yourself. I would suggest that what you have done is far more damaging than asking the man to leave his wife - at least there is some authenticity and honesty in that discussion. 

The rest of the post is pretty typical of many other woman - you don’t want to place any expectations on your affair partner but you are happy to listen to whatever he is willing to share about his marriage hoping that it will validate your thought that he is unhappy and he loves you more… You are also happy happy to listen to the gossip of friends and make assumptions about his marriage. And finally, you say rather judgmentally, his wife never bothered making contact or asked where he was… Do you know any women who would not ask where their husband is spending the entire weekend if they are not at home? How is it even possible that you could believe this statement? Remember, you are getting half the story here and I would not trust that what he tells you is reliable in any way…
 

3 hours ago, Feel lost said:

I don’t want to be the person who asks if he will leave his marriage. I feel what I’m doing is bad enough without asking that. 

As the saying goes, the horse is already out of the barn at this point… I say be bold and ask for what you truly want or get out of his wife’s proverbial kitchen…

Edited December 4, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Feel lost said:

I’m confused because initially he made it clear he wouldn’t leave and now he talks like he is going to leave and what he feels about our future, but today made a passing comment about when this ends 

Married men get caught up in the fantasy of an affair in much the same way that their female affair partner’s do…

Then reality sets in, and his talk changes. 

 

Edited December 4, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Feel lost said:

Or she could be happy for him to leave! She might have been trying to get him to go for some time and he refuses

These are the mental gymnastics that women do when they are trying to justify the fact that their affair partner has chosen not to leave the marriage. 

The thing is, their marriage is their marriage. Why they chose to stay or go is between them. You don’t have any understanding about the state of their marriage or their intentions for the future - all you have are the assumptions that you make with whatever unreliable information you can piece together. And as was famous said by one poster on this site, in the absence of information, the other women or man will create their own story…

[ExpatInItaly]

You would be wise not the believe there is any sort of future with this man. 

He's getting caught up in the fantasy too. It usually doesn't amound to anything more than that. 

[stillafool]

On 12/4/2024 at 11:54 AM, Feel lost said:

’m confused because initially he made it clear he wouldn’t leave and now he talks like he is going to leave and what he feels about our future, but today made a passing comment about when this ends 

He isn't going anywhere and wanted to make sure you knew it so you don't get your hopes up.