Am I in the wrong here?

[klasjdkasda]

I'm in a long distane relationship

We have been together 2 years and met up quite a few times. We have had some communication problems.

Last night, my gf was ranting to me about how someone had upset her. She does this frequently. I try and be there for her, listen to her etc.

When she finished she apologised for ranting. I said it's ok don't worry about it. Then she got upset at me because i didn't give her more reassurance. To be fair to her, she has said i need to do this more.

I was just so tired from work, and she called me at 11pm.

I tried to ask her how i can make things better, or do better, or make it up to her, etc, and she just wasn't really giving me anything.

I lost my cool a bit and told her how I'm upset that she is upset with me, and i'm sorry i said one word wrong. She then called me a gaslighter.

I tried telling her i'm not, and i'm sorry, and what do you want me to do? and how I can me things better? I stayed on the phone till 1am and i was exhausted and i ended up hanging up on her after feeling too tired and frustrtated.

Now she's super upset (the next day) and i think she wants to break up with me.

but am i in the wrong? I genuinely dont know

[basil67]

Right and wrong is subjective.  But I tell you, if she was my girlfriend I'd be suggesting she learn to self soothe.   If someone calls me at 11pm, it had better be a matter of safety, assault or a life and death situation.  

Calling someone at 11pm to complain for two hours is not reasonable behaviour.   Ranting for two hours at any time of the day is not reasonable behaviour and nobody has enough words to fill the emotional void she has.

If she wants to end the relationship, I suggest you tell her that you agree with her.   She'll probably get mad at you for agreeing with her, but don't back down.  Leave this emotional vampire to sort out her own issues.

Edited December 4, 2024 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

I don’t think you are in the wrong.

She called you late at night to rant, you listened. That alone should suffice. Instead of saying “sorry, thank you, and how was your day?”, she takes out her bad mood on you. If she wants to break up with you over that, why don’t you just let her. Do you really want a life with a person who would start a pointless, long midnight fight and then blame you for it?

[ShyViolet]

She sounds exhausting.  If she breaks up with you maybe she's doing you a favor.  

Who needs to listen to someone be a drama queen on the phone for 2 hours?  And she does this "often"?

Seriously, you don't think you can do better than this?

[Gaeta]

You only meet up a few times and in between meetings you have to act as her emotional punching bag. What are you getting out of this?

The only reason l'd call my bf at 11pm is cause the house is on fire! Everything else can wait in the morning if nobody died.

Tell her breaking up is not a bad idea after all.

[Acacia98]

On 12/5/2024 at 1:31 AM, klasjdkasda said:

but am i in the wrong? I genuinely dont know

Wow. You really are too nice.

It's time for that break-up she suggested. Let her find someone else to rant to for two hours in the middle of the night.

Edited December 6, 2024 by Acacia98

[LuckyM]

Some need a lot of reassurance and super sensitivity.  You did nothing wrong that I can tell

Yet you didn't give her all the gentlemanly support she needs. I have family like this. Very distressing

Ask yourself whether she deserves more support, if you care enough to do this or apologize or leave

Or she is mad for another reason and this is how she expresses it to you. Making you look guilty

[Els]

I'm not going to comment on the 11pm thing, since it could be cultural - where I grew up, my friends and I would talk on the phone frequently at 11pm, since most people over the age of 12 slept at midnight or later. But I understand that in some cultures people sleep early and it's a complete faux pas to call at that time, so if you don't want to talk on the phone at that time that's a fair boundary that you should make known to her. (I WOULD be incredibly miffed if someone called me at 7am, for instance, while that's totally normal in some places!)

As for the rest of it, I think your gf needs to talk to a therapist about learning healthier methods of coping with stress. But on your side also, I don't see any point in dragging the argument on and on and letting it escalate to a 2-hour long conversation. It's often better to tell the other person that you're very tired and you'll talk about it the next day. Dragging a heated argument out when emotions are high usually has far worse results than just tabling the discussion for a better time.

Edited December 8, 2024 by Els