My (26F) BF (26M) of 9 years went to a stripclub alone and tried to lie about it. Any advice?

[KCMA01]

My BF of 9 years went on a staff night out and after the club around 2.30 text me to say he was coming home. He stumbled in the door around 5 and passed out on couch, I had a gut feeling something was up when he didn’t come into bed. I got up for work at 7 in the morning I went to set alarm for him before I went to work to make sure he would get up for work himself. When I opened his phone there was a search for a strip club and three €42 transactions for that club so I knew he went but said I’d wait until after work to see if he’d lie or tell the truth. I thought he might have went with a single male work colleague as he is easily influenced. When I came home from work he started trying to lie saying he doesn’t know what happened between 2.30 and 5 and doesn’t know how he got home. Turns out his work colleague went home at 2.30 after the club, when I found out he was alone I was fuming. Turns out he went to the club by himself and paid €100+ for a lap dance and told me he touched the dancers breasts. This was on top of the €120 he said was for drinks for him and the dancer, I don’t understand how this works?
I feel betrayed for so many reasons. I never thought he was the kind of person to go to a strip club, I think men who do this are so sleazy and to go by himself I think is so strange, if it was with a group I think I wouldn’t feel as strongly. I didn’t think he’d be the person to objectify and pay for women like this. It would be one thing to go and watch but to pay for a private lap dance after telling me he was on the way home. He kept telling me he couldn’t really remember but then more and more details were coming out. The fact he also tried to cover it up and lie about it thinking I didn’t know. The way I feel at the moment this is an absolute dealbreaker and gameover, I feel like I never knew the person I was with for 9 years and before this occurred I felt like our relationship was perfect. I feel so blindsided by this.
Am I being unreasonable? 

[Gebidozo]

Well, he cheated on you and lied about that. Many people would consider such an outrageous breach of trust and loyalty a dealbreaker and a gameover. So no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Does he even feel genuine remorse for his actions? If he doesn’t, is there even a point in continuing this relationship? If he does, do you think you’ll be able to forgive him? 

 

[Gaeta]

You're both 26 and been together for 9 years. That means you've been together since you're 17 years old.  He's not the boy you met anymore, this is him as an adult. This is probably him being curious about other women as well because you've been together since your teen years.

If you met him today l don't think you'd date a man that lies, gaslights you,  and on top of that is easily influenced by other.

If there is no consequences to actions and his lying, he wil lose respect for you and do it again.  I would tell him to move out and only call when he's ready to humble himself and tell the whole truth.

[ShyViolet]

The part that stuck out to me is that he claimed he didn't remember what happened between 2:30 and 5, and didn't know how he got home.  How was this even a plausible story in his mind?  Is this something that happens normally with him, getting blackout drunk to where he doesn't remember periods of time?  Has he ever told you he didn't remember what happened before?

[KCMA01]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

The part that stuck out to me is that he claimed he didn't remember what happened between 2:30 and 5, and didn't know how he got home.  How was this even a plausible story in his mind?  Is this something that happens normally with him, getting blackout drunk to where he doesn't remember periods of time?  Has he ever told you he didn't remember what happened before?

I don’t ever remember him being out drinking for so long, he started drinking at 2pm in the day and normally would be home earlier. I do know he was extremely drunk by the state he arrived back in with his stuff everywhere and p*ss all over the bathroom floor. 
When I arrived home before he knew I was aware about the strip club he started this sob story and was crying saying he was really worried and he doesn’t know what happened to him between 2.30 and 5 when he got home. He started blaming mental health saying he’s been in a bad way and he was afraid he tried to off himself in those hours. This is where my blood boiled and I came out with what I had found out and he was blindsided by the fact I knew and admitted going and getting a lapdance. So  he could remember the lapdance and getting it well enough but just suddenly all other details are gone. He suddenly can’t remember what else went on in that strip club because those €42 transactions are for drinks for him and the stripper so she will stay and talk to him so this is where I just can’t believe him. He had plenty of opportunity in that club to turn around and change his mind but he didn’t. 
Also if I hadn’t had found out myself I doubt he ever would have come clean and let me believe that the whole of them 2.5 hours he was depressed somewhere thinking of doing something stupid and left me so worried for him when the real truth is that he was blowing his cash and having a blast. 
I’ve never questioned his behaviour before, I always trusted him on nights out and now I feel like I’ve been lied to the whole 9 years. 

 

[MsJayne]

No, you're not being unreasonable. Strip clubs are full of sleazy people, and your guy is one of them. If he likes paying to touch breasts maybe tally up how many times he's touched yours and then present him with the invoice, with accrued interest. And then dump his lying a**. 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, KCMA01 said:

he started drinking at 2pm in the day and normally would be home earlier. I do know he was extremely drunk by the state he arrived back in with his stuff everywhere and p*ss all over the bathroom floor. 
 

He was so drunk he pissed all over the bathroom floor?  This guy has a lot of issues, not just the lying and cheating.  

4 hours ago, KCMA01 said:

He started blaming mental health saying he’s been in a bad way and he was afraid he tried to off himself in those hours. 

Even if this is some lame attempt at a lie to cover up what he was really doing, the fact that he's even bringing up "offing himself" is a red flag.  This guy has possible mental health issues, alcohol issues, and add to that the lying and cheating.  You need to seriously rethink this relationship.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

He was so drunk he pissed all over the bathroom floor?  This guy has a lot of issues, not just the lying and cheating.  

Even if this is some lame attempt at a lie to cover up what he was really doing, the fact that he's even bringing up "offing himself" is a red flag.  This guy has possible mental health issues, alcohol issues, and add to that the lying and cheating.  You need to seriously rethink this relationship.

I have nothing to add. 

@KCMA01, you need to run for the hills.

[smackie9]

Gaeta is right, he's never had experiences with other women, and it's natural to be curious. It might be time for the both of you to move on and experience life as single adults. IMO this won't be the last time for him, so it's probably better to just cut him loose.