she asked me to hang out 'as friends' does she mean it or does it sound like she was trying to protect herself

[zs0511]

so about a year and a half ago i met this girl off a dating app and honestly things went really well. it wasnt oh we went out once or twice and that was the end we talked for months went out multiple times, she initiated in terms of texting, calling and asking to do things. it wasnt just one sided but the interest seemed to be very mutual. unfortunately my stupid self got in my head and said something stupid that scared her off due to past ex[eriences she had. i realized i messed up and apologized to her but unfortunately the damage was already done and i hadnt seen or spoke to her in the last 7 months.

well the other day i was on the dating apps and i saw her profile pop up. i spent some time looking at it deciding if i should like her. i still have feelings for her so i just said f it maybe its a way to let her know the door is still open on my end but at the end of the day i was like who cares shes not going to like me back anyway so whatever. i usually keep my self logged out and dont check the apps most of the day but when i opened the app i had a like back from her. and we kind of had an interesting exchange. her- lol hi, me- whats up stranger how you been, her- want to meet up as friends. which any guy knows is ana awful thing to hear when you feel and felt a certain way about someone. i agreed to meet up with her knowing i could be setting myself up for disappointment but if there was a chance on the table and i didnt take it i knew i would regret that decision. honestly if it was anyone else i would have said no. well we went out last night and im really not sure how to feel about the situation and things going forward, or even if there is a going forward.

we had a great time. honestly we picked up right where we left off. its felt like someone just hit pause after we last saw each other and the play button was just pressed. im trying to figure out if she said as friends because she was trying to be cautions or that is the end of the road in her mind. i know people can say what they want but i know if feelings exist they will supersede words every time. but some interesting things happened last night. it was kind of last minute (we were supposed to meet up monday originally which is still on the table) but because of this we didnt make reservations for anything on a saturday night. then we left the first place because they didnt have room we passed by a place and she looked at me and said thats where we went out for the first time which i was shocked she remembered and brought up, she said something about how she hates how guys always try to hold her hand after first dates, interestingly enough when we were parting ways for the night she had absolutely no issue with me holding hers, she refused to let me get an uber home and offered to drive me home- i live 25 mins away so its not a short trip and when we got to my building she made a comment about how i didnt invite her up to my place last time she was there. she got out of her car to give me a hug when she dropped me off, and she didnt just hug me hop in her car and leave. also in the car she looked me dead in the face and said never send me a text like that ever again (regarding the one that ended things) and also she just asked me if i wanted to go see the Christmas lights with her. does it sound like shes in it for friendship or based off those things does it sound like a still may have a chance. 

[NuevoYorko]

What was the criminal text that you sent?  It's kind of important to know.

In any case, your best bet is to take the "friends" thing seriously.  Evidently you've already crossed a boundary.  She is probably not going to be very forgiving if you do that again.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, zs0511 said:

my stupid self got in my head and said something stupid that scared her off

What did you say?

It's hard to guess what she might be thinking now without having an idea of what ruined it the first time around. 

[zs0511]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What did you say?

It's hard to guess what she might be thinking now without having an idea of what ruined it the first time around. 

so the awful thing i said was this. so it was monday and i asked her if she wanted to meet up thursday. she said she was unsure how her week was looking so she would let me know. the days go by and we get to Thursday and nothing. so i text her in the morning saying hey any thought on tonight? here nothing from her the entire day untill she calls me at 930 saying sorry im just getting back to you i was out with friends. i said well thats kind of f--- up. she said why. i said it pretty f--- up i had asked you about meeting up on today and here you are saying you just went out with friends. "oh i had these plans for the last month" well if you had the plans for the last month why couldnt you tell me when i asked monday? when i texted you this morning you could have easily said hey i forgot i had these plans ect.... she was physically abused by a past bf and she said i scared her off because it was how things started with said guy. basically felt like i was lied to (keep in mind up to this point a had a thought in the back of my head she was hiding something from me so that played into it) she felt like i was tyring to be possesive 

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, your wording was aggressive. That's true. 

However, I think you were correctly idenitfying low interest on her part. She indeed could have let you know that Thursday wasn't going to work before 9:30pm on Thursday. 

What I see is a mix of your strong reaction and her deflection for blowing you off. I am not sure I would be keen to get involved with her again, to be honest. She sounds flakey and you might find yourself low on the priority list again. 

[zs0511]

41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, your wording was aggressive. That's true. 

However, I think you were correctly idenitfying low interest on her part. She indeed could have let you know that Thursday wasn't going to work before 9:30pm on Thursday. 

What I see is a mix of your strong reaction and her deflection for blowing you off. I am not sure I would be keen to get involved with her again, to be honest. She sounds flakey and you might find yourself low on the priority list again. 

and i 100 percent agree. i dont think i was wrong in feeling how i was feeling and i do think i was justified in my thoughts and saying what i did, however i was wrong on how i handled it. i apologized to her for it but yea damage was done. keep in mind also my dad was ex military and my mom is a no nonsense no bs person as well so i talk a little dif because how i was brought up. um i dont think shes flakey, i just think shes overly cautious. i mean after our first date she point blank told me she goes to therapy and also said be patient its not you i just takes me a while to warm up to people. like she deleted her dating profile after our third date. and i actually said to her i guess meeting up isnt a priority and she got super pissed about that as well. she actually said i make you more of a priority then pretty much anyone in my life. 

 yea and i agree with you on not being keen to get to involved like i just said im just confused. like she says go out as friends. . we were supposed to go out monday (today) but she called me to go out saturday and then made alot of comments to me that were kind of like ok. like you asked me to hang out as friends but you asked me to hang out earlier when you could have called anyone else, she asked if i wanted to go see Christmas lights with her this week and according to my Christian friends that can easily be a romantic thing to do (im jewish) like she could have asked anyone else to go.  when were in the car we passed the place we first went out and she made it a point to acknowledge that, she remembered and brought it up. she drove me home like i said and when we got to my building she says so are you just going to say bye and head up and not invite me up like the last time i was here? she got out of the car to give me a hug and it wasnt hug back in car leave. it was out of car hug "oh look at the moon it looks so nice tonight and like i said she had no issues with me holding her hand when she said it annoyed her people would try to hold her hand after first dates. those just seem like odd things to bring up and say if you view it as "just friends"

idk im just super confused about the situation and feel like im in a no win spot and dont know how i should take things with her. if this was anyone else i wouldnt be racking my brain like i am. this was that unicorn person where things just felt dif. as i guy ive been told my entire life yea i had fun just didnt feel the connection. i use to think 100 percent of the time it was an excuse crap and after going out with her i immediately knew what that meant. 

[flitzanu]

the only thing we can know as an observer is what she said, that she invited you "as friends" so until she says something otherwise that's what you have to believe.  just because you see behavior that you think might be meaningful doesn't mean that it is.

be her friend as she has suggested, and if you don't want to be friends don't keep thinking she's going to magically change her mind.

[zs0511]

16 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

the only thing we can know as an observer is what she said, that she invited you "as friends" so until she says something otherwise that's what you have to believe.  just because you see behavior that you think might be meaningful doesn't mean that it is.

be her friend as she has suggested, and if you don't want to be friends don't keep thinking she's going to magically change her mind.

yea i hear ya. its tough for me because ive always been brought up and taught and threw experiences in life words mean nothing its people actions that matter which is obviously the opposite, guess i grew up in a dif time. i think im just going to go threw with going out with her as planned this week. and if things go well i may just say hey can maybe i can take you on an actual date as more as friends this week and see how she responds i want to explore it but at the same time i know i cant be just friends so i got to bail out as soon as possible if its not there. with how much we hung out before and going out 2-3 times this time around she knows how she feels

but im treating it as friends at the moment but what shes doing and saying is making me second thoug

like if you went out with a girl as friends and when she drove you home would you kind of be curious if she said "are you going to say goodbye and leave instead of asking me to come up to your place like last time you were here?

would you point out your first date spot when we drove by it?

if you havent seen someone in 6 months would you ask someone quickly to go out. this was our exchange after i liked her her-hi lol, me- whats up stranger how you been her- want to meet up as friends. idk to me that just seems awfully quick to ask someone out. i have friends i knew for 10 plus years i reconnected with that didnt ask to meet up that quickly. 

idk i get what your saying and not disagreeing its just things feel off from what she said. keep in mind the first time we hung out this girl deleted her dating profile after the 3rd time we met 

 

Edited December 9, 2024 by zs0511

[Acacia98]

I see what you're saying. It sounds like she's saying one thing but behaving completely differently. My experience of mixed messages/ambivalence is this: they usually don't bode well. Someone who only feels safe to love you (or appear to love you) when they're pretending not to love you will typically end up fleeing the minute you try to make things real. I hope that's not the case here, but I think you should be super-cautious. What you're planning to do (gauge how things go over a brief period of time and then bail if she insists on just wanting to be friends) sounds like a good idea. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I wish you the best as you try to figure things out.

Edited December 9, 2024 by Acacia98

[zs0511]

10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I see what you're saying. It sounds like she's saying one thing but behaving completely differently. My experience of mixed messages/ambivalence is this: they usually don't bode well. Someone who only feels safe to love you (or appear to love you) when they're pretending not to love you will typically end up fleeing the minute you try to make things real. I hope that's not the case here, but I think you should be super-cautious. What you're planning to do (gauge how things go over a brief period of time and then bail if she insists on just wanting to be friends) sounds like a good idea. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I wish you the best as you try to figure things out.

yea its just super confusing like we go out "as friends" but you point out the spot we first went out which was a year and a half ago, when you drop me off at my place you make a comment about how i didnt invite me up to your place last time i was here, and then you say something like dont ever do that to me again in terms of what i said. as friends saying things like that are eye raising to me. they just dont make sense. 

i do feel it was a caution thing for her but idk. i think the way im going to handle this is leaving the initiating of hanging out in her court. im not going to overextend myself. like she asked about meeting up this week but she would let me know what day ill see if she follows threw with that, if she does theres a concert i want to goto next weekend ill ask her to that. if both of those things happen i may just say hey want to go out to dinner tonight. if she says yes maybe ill say something like can it be a date this time instead of just friends and i think that will give me my answer

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't get your hopes up here, OP. 

It sounds like a situation in which she might be going through a bit of dating dry spell and figured you'd keep her company for now. But I have a bad feeling she will bail on you when she meets someone she is really interested in. 

She didn't seem too interested the first time around, so don't hedge any bets on this panning out well the second time around. 

[flitzanu]

i'm in line with the others.  yes, you're right that the behavior does seem...confusing.

the thing is, here's the hypothetical situation.

"lets hang out as friends"

you: "ok"

...later -

"hey how about i take you on a real date not as friends?"

her: "omg why are you acting like this i told you i'm not interested in anything other than friendship"

regardless of how confusing she is acting, this is always a safety net that "she told you so" that she can throw back and act like she's not doing anything wrong because she already told you she wants to be friends.

which, again, unfortunately is...true.  this is why it falls back to what she SAID, not what she's doing.  that's why we are telling you to be very careful trying to apply interpretation to anything.

Edited December 10, 2024 by flitzanu
addendum

[smackie9]

This is how this works...most girls/women don't like confrontation so they will say what you want to hear, but hope by their actions you will get the hint they are not interested. So instead of caller her out on her BS, you just simply erase this person from your interest, block/delete/move on. No fuss no muss, just take it as a no not interested. So next time when that "friends" word is tossed at you, just say no not interested. This will spare your feelings and keep your dignity. 

[FredEire]

You sound a bit desperate honestly, she sounds flaky and desperate for attention. It doesn't sound great on either end and not a great basis for a relationship.

I don't think your sentiment was wrong on your supposedly awful text, it was pretty f***ed up. You don't have to put up with bad behaviour. There was just probably no need to react so strongly but letting her off the hook for that wouldn't have been the right course of action either.

[zs0511]

On 12/10/2024 at 2:11 PM, flitzanu said:

i'm in line with the others.  yes, you're right that the behavior does seem...confusing.

the thing is, here's the hypothetical situation.

"lets hang out as friends"

you: "ok"

...later -

"hey how about i take you on a real date not as friends?"

her: "omg why are you acting like this i told you i'm not interested in anything other than friendship"

regardless of how confusing she is acting, this is always a safety net that "she told you so" that she can throw back and act like she's not doing anything wrong because she already told you she wants to be friends.

which, again, unfortunately is...true.  this is why it falls back to what she SAID, not what she's doing.  that's why we are telling you to be very careful trying to apply interpretation to anything.

well the good thing is i got my answer. she admitted to me the other night she really likes me and she thought about me alot when we werent talking the last few months. she said she wants to take things slow but shes def interested in more then friends. we kissed and spent the night together the other day so i think im in a good spot with her so im happy with where things are. 

[zs0511]

On 12/13/2024 at 10:28 AM, smackie9 said:

This is how this works...most girls/women don't like confrontation so they will say what you want to hear, but hope by their actions you will get the hint they are not interested. So instead of caller her out on her BS, you just simply erase this person from your interest, block/delete/move on. No fuss no muss, just take it as a no not interested. So next time when that "friends" word is tossed at you, just say no not interested. This will spare your feelings and keep your dignity. 

i appreciate the insight and i get the sentiment but i decided to keep seeing her. we had a sit down talk about things the other day over coffee and she point blank admitted to me she likes me shes just scared and cautious about things that have happened in her life which i will obviously not go into detail about but and were going to give it shot. we kissed and spent the night together so i think were in a good spot

[flitzanu]

On 12/21/2024 at 12:05 AM, zs0511 said:

well the good thing is i got my answer. she admitted to me the other night she really likes me and she thought about me alot when we werent talking the last few months. she said she wants to take things slow but shes def interested in more then friends. we kissed and spent the night together the other day so i think im in a good spot with her so im happy with where things are. 

that's good news, though my advice still stands to be vigilant and don't let yourself get flip flopped with her behavior.