Should I make this into a Relationship?

[seany25]

In the first half of this year, I had 5 short flings with women. The reason I went through so many is because I was trying to cope with the most intense and impactful fling of my life that had just ended at the beginning of January. That story is available to review here.

Anyway, I met another woman in August after having texted for a couple of months.

I won't go into details but when I opened my front door and we embraced, we were having sex about 4 minutes later. We had seemingly built up such a connection over the phone and Facetime that it just felt beautiful and flawless.

We've met probably 8 to 10 times since then, and every date is lovely. We have even had a few spontaneous and fiery sexual encounters in my new car; don't worry, the back windows are blacked out.

Look, the long and short of it is this: She has fallen in love with me. I'm not displeased about this, but I wasn't overly keen on anything super serious either—at least not right away. I am definitely open to continuing to see her and perhaps one day falling for her, too, but I kind of feel like I'm in "ultimatum" territory.

We were on Facetime tonight and we had a heart-to-heart. She was crying and expressing how much she thinks of me. She says I'm the sexiest man she's ever met. She is in love with me.

Okay, so I do think a lot of this girl, but (shallowly) I have had a physically better-looking woman.

The current girl is amazing in so many ways. She's just not "drop-dead-gorgeous" like the previous girl. Does that mean I don't care or is it worth trying to have a relationship with her?

I can provide more details if needed.

She is very cute, by the way.



 

Edited December 9, 2024 by seany25

[seany25]

12 minutes ago, seany25 said:

here

 

Edited December 9, 2024 by seany25

[basil67]

She deserves nothing less than a guy who thinks she's wonderful.   You are not this man

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

The current girl is amazing in so many ways. She's just not "drop-dead-gorgeous" like the previous girl. Does that mean I don't care or is it worth trying to have a relationship with her?

Lol, I was about to ask if you had anything in common with the women other than sex…

but then I see that you are assessing her as a potential relationship partner based on her physical appearance… so, I’m assuming the answer to my first questions likely no. 

[ExpatInItaly]

No, don't make this into a relationship.

You aren't into her for the right reasons, and certainly not into her enough to actually be her full-time partner. 

[Gebidozo]

If you’re hesitating whether to be with this girl or not only because you don’t consider her “drop dead gorgeous” enough, then of course you shouldn’t be with this girl. She deserves to be with someone who either thinks that she is drop dead gorgeous, or isn’t as superficial about his criteria for choosing romantic partners, or both.

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, seany25 said:

She says I'm the sexiest man she's ever met. She is in love with me.

 

9 hours ago, seany25 said:

The current girl is amazing in so many ways. She's just not "drop-dead-gorgeous"

Go ahead, this should work, you both have the same 'value' system. 

[flitzanu]

On 12/8/2024 at 10:10 PM, seany25 said:

Okay, so I do think a lot of this girl, but (shallowly) I have had a physically better-looking woman.

The current girl is amazing in so many ways. She's just not "drop-dead-gorgeous" like the previous girl. Does that mean I don't care or is it worth trying to have a relationship with her?

I can provide more details if needed.

She is very cute, by the way.



 

if you wanted to date this girl exclusively, you wouldn't have any of these comparisons about the situation that are making you question this, so, no you shouldn't "date" her because you aren't into her.

[ShyViolet]

Oh my goodness.  I remember your other gigantic thread.  I see you don't seem to have learned anything from it.  Did you ever go to therapy like a lot of commenters here urged you to do?

On 12/8/2024 at 11:10 PM, seany25 said:

I won't go into details but when I opened my front door and we embraced, we were having sex about 4 minutes later. We had seemingly built up such a connection over the phone and Facetime that it just felt beautiful and flawless.

We've met probably 8 to 10 times since then, and every date is lovely. We have even had a few spontaneous and fiery sexual encounters in my new car; don't worry, the back windows are blacked out.
 

This is very immature behavior for someone in your age bracket and it's not likely to lead to any healthy and stable relationship.  This behavior sounds very similar to what you have done in the past.

[basil67]

Here's a thought:  send her a link to this question.   She will realise that you only  think of her in terms of looks, sex and comparision to previous lovers.....and then she will get over you quickly.

[seany25]

Something interesting happened—painfully interesting.

I was on Facebook earlier and looked at that other woman's profile from the big thread in January (we're not connected on Facebook), and her photo was a cozy selfie with some guy. The interesting thing about it was that I immediately felt an enormous punch in the gut. It's been 11 months since she ended our brief but mind-blowing (at least for me) situationship, but apparently, I'm still not over her, given that the image of her with another guy made me feel insanely jealous to the point where I physically felt it in my core.

Sure, January was a very painful month. I got over that, however, and a year has passed, but she's still somewhere in my mind. My reactions to this woman are highly intriguing. It's puzzling trying to get my head around it. I mean, I have been telling myself it's cool; I had a short fling with her, so it could be worse, right? Maybe it's more than infatuation and I actually do love her. That might explain why seeing that photo of her with someone else stung so hard.

I'm also not so cocky as to not humbly accept that she might quite simply be out of my league, and I was just extremely lucky to have her for that month long fling. If she wasn't so astonishingly beautiful, I maybe wouldn't care as much. And, look, it's not all about physical attractiveness, but yes, it is a big part of it. I am a man, it's not exactly unusual to be attracted to a high level of physical beauty. And no, I'm not basing everything on looks.

I feel bad now for the girl I've been seeing for a few months. She's super nice. This is a dilemma because we're on the verge of a new year I'm not sure I want to drag it out and give her hope and watch her fall further for me. Is it cruel to continue seeing someone who feels a lot more for you than you do for them? I'm sure that happens all the time and I bet you hear about such relationships a lot on here. I don't want to hurt her no matter what you might think of me; I just didn't expect anyone to get so close.

Again, an interesting experience from a psychological perspective. For comparison, another very beautiful woman I had a thing with in May recently posted photos of herself and her new boyfriend, and I didn't care. Why am I so unshakeably smitten with this particular girl? There's gotta be something deeper going on.

I think the bottom line regarding all this, and I know some of you are going to dislike this because it's probably seen as unhealthy or some kind of defence mechanism, but I have this stubborn thing in my head that I won't be able to settle or give up until I "win" by getting someone hotter than her. Yes, I know that'll be at least partly some kind of male-pride thing but it is what it is.

Anyway, no, I didn't go to therapy, sorry. What exactly could it do for an on-off limerance anyway? I did a lot of self-care this year through success. Bought my first home, bought my dream car, started taking care of my physical wellbeing again, and other stuff, but then seeing this photo today kicked me in the gut. I'm fine, and I will be fine, but what I felt today was profound enough to make me wonder why it happened.

For now, whatever does or doesn't take place next, I do know the immediate prescription for this is: Delete Facebook, hit the gym.

[NuevoYorko]

Have you ever had an actual girlfriend?   

Your preoccupation with "beauty" is concerning.   Sure, we like people we are strongly attracted to.  This generally means we find them good looking.

I do not think it's "normal" for an adult to be straight up ready to dump someone because they've been with someone else who was "more drop-dead gorgeous" before.

It really comes off like you are only capable of responding to looks.   

 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

 Is it cruel to continue seeing someone who feels a lot more for you than you do for them? 

Yes, actually.  Yes it is.  You are clearly not that into this girl, so just stop wasting her time.

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

I think the bottom line regarding all this, and I know some of you are going to dislike this because it's probably seen as unhealthy or some kind of defence mechanism, but I have this stubborn thing in my head that I won't be able to settle or give up until I "win" by getting someone hotter than her. 

I don't see it as a "defense mechanism", but this is so incredibly emotionally immature.  It's like you're stuck in a teenage mentality and can't have mature adult relationships.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, seany25 said:

but I have this stubborn thing in my head that I won't be able to settle or give up until I "win" by getting someone hotter than her. 

How would you be a winner if there's no loser?

[ExpatInItaly]

I actually don't think you will ever really move on. 

Why? Because your emotional maturity seems quite stunted. It's not really about this one woman. It's about your value system and self-worth. You're not really addressing that but instead assuming you need to "win" some sort of competition that exists only in you head. There is something deeper going on, yes, but you are misidentifying what that is. 

[seany25]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Have you ever had an actual girlfriend?   

Your preoccupation with "beauty" is concerning.   Sure, we like people we are strongly attracted to.  This generally means we find them good looking.

I do not think it's "normal" for an adult to be straight up ready to dump someone because they've been with someone else who was "more drop-dead gorgeous" before.

It really comes off like you are only capable of responding to looks.   

To be honest I've not had a proper long-term girlfriend, just long-term casual relationships.

I'm not straight-up ready to dump her at all. She is incredible in so many ways and I probably even have more of an emotional connection with her than the other girl. It's just that, yes, the other girl is more objectively physically attractive and I know I'm not the first in the world to have been in those shoes; where one has been with someone "hotter" before and would like to match that aspect, or find a way to get over it. If we've been with someone drop-dead-gorgeous before, and then you're with someone not drop-dead-gorgeous, but still attractive, subconsciously your mind tells you you've downgraded.

I don't see how having beauty standards is concerning. Human nature and all that.

[seany25]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Yes, actually.  Yes it is.  You are clearly not that into this girl, so just stop wasting her time.

Love and affection can grow, can't it? I'm sure plenty of relationships were more one-sided in the early stages. My new girlfriend (non-exclusive) told me months ago that no matter what happened between us she would always like to remain friends. I'd be happy to keep things as they are and see how it goes but I feel like I have pressure on me to make a decision, and that would be fair I guess, but it's not a situation I'm used to.
 

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't see it as a "defense mechanism", but this is so incredibly emotionally immature.  It's like you're stuck in a teenage mentality and can't have mature adult relationships.

I can have mature adult relationships. The one I'm in now is going well and could go much further but there's this thorn in my side letting me know that someone else I've been with was physically more attractive. That's not an easy hurdle to get over. That would take work. And even then, as a man, it'll probably always pop up now and again to remind me. It's just in our nature (not just men, women have these hangups too, that their "ex was better looking").

What it boils down to, even if you think it's immature, is thinking that you'll never "do better" than the hot person from your past.

[seany25]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

How would you be a winner if there's no loser?

I have been with the sexiest woman, or at least one of the sexiest women I've ever met (I do think she is the sexiest tho). So I suppose in this case I would be the one who feels they lost out here, and the way to rectify that is by finding a woman hotter than her. To be honest it's going to be difficult to find a girlfriend who is literally "hotter" because she is physically the 10/10 and the best one could possibly do is to get a girlfriend at least as hot.

But yes, I would feel like I won, or that I at least retained my pride and status by proving that I could do just as good as her again and she wasn't a one-off.

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I actually don't think you will ever really move on. 

Why? Because your emotional maturity seems quite stunted. It's not really about this one woman. It's about your value system and self-worth. You're not really addressing that but instead assuming you need to "win" some sort of competition that exists only in you head. There is something deeper going on, yes, but you are misidentifying what that is. 

You said you don't think I'll ever really move on. Well, to some extent, I agree you might be right and that's why I believe one way to "cure" me is to find an equally hot woman. If it's the only thing that might work then it's gotta be worth a shot.

Yes I know most of the advice anyone would give on here is to "not focus on looks" and I appreciate where that's coming from, but you can't help how you feel. How do you go about life knowing you've been with an objectively more attractive partner? Do you just try and ignore it? Surely, it would always be there in the back of your mind reminding you.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

that's why I believe one way to "cure" me is to find an equally hot woman. If it's the only thing that might work then it's gotta be worth a shot.

If tha is truly how you feel, you need to sto seeing this current woman. It is incredibly unfair to her to date her when this is how you think. 

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

I can have mature adult relationships.

How do you know if you have never actually had one? The current one isn't it, because you're still fixating on looks and finding a woman hotter than the ex. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

It's just that, yes, the other girl is more objectively physically attractive and I know I'm not the first in the world to have been in those shoes; where one has been with someone "hotter" before and would like to match that aspect, or find a way to get over it. If we've been with someone drop-dead-gorgeous before, and then you're with someone not drop-dead-gorgeous, but still attractive, subconsciously your mind tells you you've downgraded.

Nope, your mind tells you you’re downgraded. True, you aren’t the first in the word to have been in those shoes, but most people outgrow those shoes after high school. Nobody really thinks much about an ex being more “objectively physically attractive” than your current parent. First, because people understand that there is no such thing as “objectively physically attractive”; attraction is subjective and personal, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Second, because when you really love someone, that person truly becomes the most objectively physically attractive one to you.

You aren’t in love with your girlfriend. She appears to be in love with you. The decent thing to do here is break up with her, so that she could fall out of love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate it, and find a man who does.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

I don't see how having beauty standards is concerning. Human nature and all that.

It’s simple: women aren’t things that you purchase, collect, or display on trophy shelves. It is concerning that you appear to view them the way others would view shiny trinkets whose main value is their appearance. These aren’t beauty standards and this isn’t human nature, this is your immaturity.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

subconsciously your mind tells you you've downgraded.

This has literally never happened to me. 

I have dated objectively and unconventionally attractive men, but I attracted to each one for different reasons. I have not once in all the year I've dated thought, "this guy is a downgrade."

If I am really not attracted to a man, I don't go out with him. Simple. 

 

Edited December 19, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, seany25 said:

It's just in our nature (not just men, women have these hangups too, that their "ex was better looking").

Only immature women. And only immature men.

No self-respecting person would date someone who has hangups over a better-looking ex.

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, seany25 said:

To be honest I've not had a proper long-term girlfriend, just long-term casual relationships.

Do you ever wonder why?  Or you're content with this status quo?

8 hours ago, seany25 said:

I'm not straight-up ready to dump her at all. She is incredible in so many ways and I probably even have more of an emotional connection with her than the other girl.

You should be.  Honestly.  Please do the right thing.   Regardless of her "incredible" qualities and what you perceive as your emotional connection - you are comparing her unfavorably with another woman.  So it's a "NO" 100%, for her sake, but for yours as well.

8 hours ago, seany25 said:

 

It's just that, yes, the other girl is more objectively physically attractive and I know I'm not the first in the world to have been in those shoes; where one has been with someone "hotter" before and would like to match that aspect, or find a way to get over it. If we've been with someone drop-dead-gorgeous before, and then you're with someone not drop-dead-gorgeous, but still attractive, subconsciously your mind tells you you've downgraded.
 

Frankly, no.  No adult with a well established value system will have been in those shoes, at least not as adults.  It's a juvenile mindset.  

There is always someone more gorgeous,  more wealthy, more famous, more  talented, etc. etc. etc.  None of those features make them a better match for another person.  It's a fact.

@seany25 - I haven't looked back but I do remember quite a lot about your past thread with the other girl.    I think I remember that you are an alcoholic.  Is this accurate?  You sure seem to be completely addicted to adrenaline, out of touch with other humans, and specifically interested in only the most superficial of things.  

Do you ever question yourself about all of this?  I don't think you're particularly young - you must notice that you're an outlier amongst your age peers.

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, seany25 said:

What it boils down to, even if you think it's immature, is thinking that you'll never "do better" than the hot person from your past.

Most people do not think like this.  You'll have to take our word for it.   So far I don't think there has been anyone on any of your threads that aligns with this perspective.