He met up with his ex and then suddenly kept talking about her on our date

[Blackberries]

I (38f) have been dating a guy (36m) for a few weeks now. We were acquaintances before we started dating. 

I was aware from the beginning that he has an ex who he used to live with, and during their relationship they adopted 2 rabbits together. Before we started dating, he mentioned that the ex still visits sometimes to spend time with the rabbits and she also petsits them when he's away. 

Things had been going well during our dating. The effort was 50-50, and every time we had a date, he would suggest another date for the next few days. We've been seeing each other about twice a week. I hear from him most days, he'll either text me or send me memes on Instagram. I've been sick during this time and he was very caring, offered to get me groceries if I needed it. 

Last weekend, I asked him what had happened with the ex. He said they'd been together 7 years and the relationship lasted way longer than it should have. He no longer felt as committed, and then she developed feelings for a mutual friend. They broke up about 1 year ago and she continued living with him (and dating the mutual friend) until she found her own place. That was the first time we ever discussed the ex, as he never mentioned her beyond that, apart from mentioning she still petsits the rabbits.

On Monday last week, he and I went on a date to the local Christmas market. We had a nice time. The Christmas market had an ice skating rink. He asked if I wanted to go ice skating but I said no. I told him to do it himself and I'd watch, but he said it would be no fun alone. 

This past Saturday we had a dinner date in the evening. We had been texting most of the day. I asked him what he had done earlier in the day. To my shock, he told me that he went to the ice skating - with his ex. I mentioned that I didn't know he still hangs out with her, and I thought they only stayed in contact for the rabbits. He said "we're still on good terms". For the rest of the date, he kept bringing her up in conversation. If we talked about movies, he mentioned the ones she likes. If we talked about work, he mentioned she's unemployed right now. He mentioned her several times in total. I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do. Later in the date, he mentioned we should meet up again on Wednesday (tomorrow). However, he's been pretty quiet since. Apart from liking my post on Instagram, he hasn't been in touch.

I have no idea how much he's actually been meeting up with her. I'm really upset that he suddenly kept mentioning her. It also jars me that he asked her to go to the ice skating with him - the one thing I didn't want to do on our previous date. Apart from all this, everything had been going well, but it's really thrown a spanner in the works. My gut feeling is that he either initially lied to me about how often he sees her and why - or that dating me has made me realise he isn't over her. I would appreciate any advice. 

Edited December 10 by Blackberries
clarity

[Gaeta]

When you say a few weeks, how long does that mean? It's different if it's 3 weeks or 20 weeks. Are you exclusive?

[Blackberries]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When you say a few weeks, how long does that mean? It's different if it's 3 weeks or 20 weeks. Are you exclusive?

About 4-5 weeks. We are not exclusive. 

[stillafool]

Why didn't you want to skate with him? If you are not exclusive, he can still date other people, including his ex.  People date to see if they want to be exclusive with each other.

[Blackberries]

Just now, stillafool said:

Why didn't you want to skate with him? If you are not exclusive, he can still date other people, including his ex.  People date to see if they want to be exclusive with each other.

I'm really clumsy and have poor coordination - I would be guaranteed to fall and hurt myself. I explained this to him, obviously in a lighthearted way. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Blackberries said:

About 4-5 weeks. We are not exclusive. 

This is an evaluation time. You evaluate each other for a potential relationship. It's time to ask questions. Ask him if he does activities with his ex often? How often they communicate? Etc and if this is not the type of boyfriend you want, you move to next. No one can force a behavior on you that you don't want.

Once I went to a couple of dates with a man, he spoke a lot about his ex, called her his best friend, etc. I did not tell him I didn't like him being this close to his ex, I simply told him I did not feel enough compatibility to continue seeing each other. There was NO WAY I was going to compete with an ex. Some women don't mind, more power to them, I am not that type of woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

Meh, I would throw this guy back into the pond. 

He is still into his ex. It is obvious. He can do what he likes, but I would not stick around for this. Too many blurred boundaries that would not fly with me. 

[Abel]

It sounds like you're feeling upset and uncertain about the situation. Here are some thoughts to consider

 

Red Flags

 

Lack of transparency He didn't disclose the extent of his interactions with his ex until you found out.

Inconsistent behavior*: He asked you to ice skate, but when you declined, he went with his ex instead.

Overemphasis on ex He kept mentioning his ex during your date, which made you feel uncomfortable.

 

Possible Interpretations

 

He might not be over his ex His behavior could indicate that he still has feelings for his ex or is trying to hold on to the past.

He might be using you as a rebound He could be trying to fill the void left by his ex without fully processing his emotions.

He might be trying to downplay his relationship with his ex He could be minimizing the extent of his interactions with his ex to avoid raising concerns.

 

Next Steps

 

Communicate your concerns Have an open and honest conversation with him about how you feel. Use I statements to express your emotions and avoid blaming or accusing him.

Evaluate his response Pay attention to his reaction and response. Does he acknowledge your concerns, or does he become defensive?

Reassess the relationship Consider whether you feel comfortable continuing the relationship given the new information. Prioritize your emotional well-being and make a decision that aligns with your values.

 

Remember, trust your instincts and take the time to reflect on what you want from the relationship.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Blackberries said:

About 4-5 weeks. We are not exclusive. 

5 weeks dating and not a word on exclusivity - and he calls his ex up to replace you on an activity. Nah! This man is not into 'you'. He's into dating and welcomes the distraction of dating but he's not into you. 

[flitzanu]

this isn't going to be a popular opinion.

i get what you're saying, and valid in feeling offended that he took his ex skating after asking you.

thing is...he asked you, you turned him down.  

should he NEVER go skating again, especially with anyone else?  that's a weird measurement that you're using.

again not saying the reaction is misplaced, because obviously it's inredibly weird what he did.  but would you react the same with anyone?  what if he took his sister?  what if he took another male friend?  what if he just really wanted to skate, and you literally told him no, and he didn't want to go alone and had no one else to go since YOU said no?

[ShyViolet]

This would be a huge turn-off for me.  The fact that he kept bringing her up seems very intentional.... this was his way of telling you that she is still in his life and he intends to keep it that way.  The rabbits are a lame excuse for them to stay involved with each other.  They don't have to continue seeing each other just because of the rabbits.  They very much want to stay in each other's lives.  I would not continue seeing this guy.  Next.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

The rabbits are a lame excuse for them to stay involved with each other.  They don't have to continue seeing each other just because of the rabbits.  They very much want to stay in each other's lives.

This. 

It's also not about your lack of interest in skating, OP. It's about their continued interest in each other. 

[smackie9]

Not sure why they are not together anymore if they get along and have so much in common. 

Anyways exclusive or not, this doesn't feel right....you have the right reason to walk away.

[LatinCoffee]

I think he's still into his ex but is still hurt that she dated one of his close friends. This gives me rebound vibes. Like he wants to keep you around but still wants her around. It's not fair to you. Dating should not be a competition. 

[Blackberries]

Hi everyone. Against my better judgement, I went out with him again tonight. He had remained quiet all week, it was me who suggested meeting up again - to my shame. And I also was the one who followed up to actually make plans. It was almost as if I wasn't his first option...  

At the beginning of the night, he mentioned we go back to my place afterwards. I said no, it's your turn to host, he said he didn't want to because his place is untidy. 

At the end of the night, I said again about going back to his. He said no, and guess why? Because his ex is there, "spending time with the rabbits, she's been really depressed and wants to spend time with them". I asked him if she was going to sleep there too, because it was 2am at the time. He couldn't give me a straight answer. 

I asked him how often he actually sees her, it's "a few times a week". I asked him if he's trying to get back with her and he told me "not really".

I quizzed him some more about her, because recently he cancelled a couple of dates with me, so I wanted to know if it was to spend time with her. He kept tripping himself up. He couldn't even look me in the eye. He kept giving really evasive answers, claiming he "didn't remember" when he saw her this week or last week. I asked again if she sleeps over in his place when she "visits the rabbits", he acted like he doesn't know - he lives there! 

Needless to say I told him I'm not going to be his backup option while he waits around for her. I want to say a big thank you to all of you for your honesty and giving me honest advice, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time. I told him to f*** off back home to her and stop wasting my time. 

Edited December 14 by Blackberries
clarity

[ExpatInItaly]

I am glad you are done with this man. 

His heart and mind are in no place to be daitng anyone else, amd you are doing well to move on from him. 

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, Blackberries said:

At the end of the night, I said again about going back to his. He said no, and guess why? Because his ex is there, "spending time with the rabbits, she's been really depressed and wants to spend time with them".

Wow that is so absolutely ridiculous, I would have just left right then and there.  I wouldn't have even stuck around to keep questioning him further about it.  There's nothing else to talk about at that point.

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Blackberries said:

I asked him if he's trying to get back with her and he told me "not really".

Omg! I can't beleive his answer to you!! He didn't even care eniugh to lie about his true agenda here!

On to next! 

[Blackberries]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Omg! I can't beleive his answer to you!! He didn't even care eniugh to lie about his true agenda here!

On to next! 

He didn't even care enough to do ANYTHING. His entire vibe was just *shrug*. 

As soon as I called him out on the "not really" he started claiming it was actually "no" but he spoke with no emotion whatsoever. He seemed so detached, just couldn't care less. He gave a feeble "Sorry" as he was leaving, I told him she was welcome to him. That's if she's stopped sleeping with his friend by now. 

I'm so annoyed at myself for giving him so much headspace the last few days, and for continuing to contact him and arranging another "date". I have no idea why he ever even told me last weekend that he had been spending time with the ex, I guess he arrogantly thought that I would continue dating him. Or maybe he had lost interest and was trying to scare me off. I don't know. I feel so stupid - he seemed like such a nice, quiet, nerdy type. Unfortunately I've learned the hard way a few times now that the quiet nerdy ones can also be a**h***s. 

[Gaeta]

57 minutes ago, Blackberries said:

I'm so annoyed at myself for giving him so much headspace the last few days, and for continuing to contact him and arranging another "date

Don't be so harsh on yourself. Sometimes we just need an extra little tap behind the head to see the big picture. You needed that confirnation. Nothing to feel bad about.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Blackberries said:

I've learned the hard way a few times now that the quiet nerdy ones can also be a**h***s. 

Why wouldn't they be? Anyone can be a tool. 

15 hours ago, Blackberries said:

'm so annoyed at myself for giving him so much headspace the last few days, and for continuing to contact him and arranging another "date".

Don't be so hard on yourself. You liked him and wanted certain red flags to not be red flags. Most of us surely have done the same at some point. You needed to teach yourself a lesson, that's all. 

[Esteban]

Going out with him again on Saturday was actually a good idea in a way because it ended up clearing up your doubts and making it easier for you to move on.