Can you truly move past cheating?

[Chels13]

So I’ve recently found out my husband cheated on me 4 years ago. I was pregnant with our 2nd child and he decided to book an escort. He intended on sex with her but said after oral sex and he cum that he was guilty and left. 
oral sex to me is still a very big deal. We are in couples therapy and our therapist has said oral isn’t as bad as sex. (Maybe trying to make me look at it as a positive possibly) I just don’t know if I can move past it. We have only had 2 sessions of couples therapy so far but I can’t see it working. I love my husband with my whole heart, but how do I trust him again. I would never have thought he would do such a thing, he is such a quiet, private person. I must also add, he has only ever had sex with me, I’m his first everything, so for me this is such a kick in the teeth. It was only ever supposed to me and now it’s me and a prostitute! 
 

[Chels13]

I’m unsure. Maybe because I was 8 months pregnant and didn’t feel as comfortable with sex at that time. But I often think could it be where he has only ever been with me and wanted to see what it was like with someone else 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Chels13 said:

We are in couples therapy and our therapist has said oral isn’t as bad as sex.

I think that is a personal opinion and everyone will have their own, slightly different opinion. 

I wouldn’t be very happy if my spouse had oral sex with another woman. Personally, I would be even less happy that he chose an escort. That is high risk behavior that could jeopardize your health - that would not be ok in any way for me. And the fact that he did this while you were pregnant with his child shows a total lack of respect.

I’m not saying that I could never move past cheating, but I would have a really difficult time accepting this and moving past this betrayal. 

Edited December 11, 2024 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Chels13 said:

our therapist has said oral isn’t as bad as sex.

You might want to get a therapist who calls things by their name and doesn’t sugarcoat the truth. First, oral sex is sex, hence the name. Second, whether it’s as bad as other types of sex within the context of cheating is not for the therapist to say. It sounds like something your husband’s lawyer would say, not a therapist. The therapist shouldn’t be trying to artificially reduce your husband’s fault, they should help you make the best decision concerning forgiving him or leaving him, based on your feelings and values.

Personally, if my partner cheats on me, it would probably be a dealbreaker, absolutely regardless of the type of sex involved. Unfortunately, this is just a very tough decision that you’ll have to make. You’ll probably need to spend some time separated from your husband, until you either begin to forgive him and give the marriage a chance, or firmly realize that he has broken your trust for good and divorce him.

Edited December 11, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Chels13 said:

I’m unsure. Maybe because I was 8 months pregnant and didn’t feel as comfortable with sex at that time. But I often think could it be where he has only ever been with me and wanted to see what it was like with someone else 

I also think it was mainly that. Unfortunately, many people enter committed relationships and even marriages before they have fully explored and satisfied their natural sexual curiosity. The results are usually not good.

Edited December 11, 2024 by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Chels13 said:

our therapist has said oral isn’t as bad as sex

You need a new therapist, first of all. This isn't for your therapist to decide, and I would no longer be interested in listening to a professional who said such things. It would tell me they're not good at their job. 

12 hours ago, Chels13 said:

We have only had 2 sessions of couples therapy so far but I can’t see it working.

And it might not. This is dealbreaker-territory stuff, and your therapist isn't great anyway. 

12 hours ago, Chels13 said:

It was only ever supposed to me and now it’s me and a prostitute! 

And if I recall from your other thread, you had to drag this out of him and act as a decoy prostitute to get him to admit anything. The problems with your husband run even deeper than the sex act itself. I would never be able to trust this man with my heart again. 

Edited December 11, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

I think individual counselling would be a much better investment right now than couples counselling.

You need to decide what is acceptable to you and whether he factors into your future going forward… that discussion doesn’t involve him. I would suggest that you find a good therapist and get your own head on straight about this situation before you start to negotiate with your husband.

Couples therapy isn’t going to fix what’s wrong with your husband’s disrespect and decision making. If that is what you are hoping to get from couples therapy - that your husband will see the error of his ways and treat you with more respect - you are likely to be disappointed. Particularly because the therapist you have chosen seems to want to enable him…

Edited December 11, 2024 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

First time he said he did nothing and left.

Second time he said there was oral sex

I guess if you keep at it eventually he will say he did have sex.

I know a couple that survived cheating and it was 30 years ago so yes we can consider they made it. They both only had sex with each other...he got curious and cheated with his neighbor.

Their marriage survived because they went to marriage counseling and they were brutally honest with each other and kept nothing secret. They followed up counseling for a year.  ***HE - the cheater*** did everything to save his marriage.  She did not have to nag him, to probe him, to interrogate him, he was an open book to her.

If your husband is not an open book to you and ready to humble himself and do everything to fix your marriage then it's a matter of time before you get fed up and leave.

Change therapist.

[ChrisTheCat]

Chels13,

The answer to your question is, IMO, no.

I know of 3 couples who are still together after the guy had cheated. He was caught out, the wife threatened divorce and he dropped his paramour like a hot potato.

On the surface it looks OK but the wives tell me a) they haven't forgiven him and b) if they got a chance to cheat they would. Not a good basis for a marriage.

When I found out my (ex) husband was cheating I gave him the chance to stop it but he told me he 'loved her'. He got the divorce papers the next week.

The fact that you are going to counseling shows a willingness to explore issues but no-one can predict the outcome.

I'm sorry, it's a lousy situation to be in

 

[Felix78]

I have moved past cheating, but we're all different and in different relationships. I hope you can move on from it though, he made a mistake and you're having therapy together. Two sessions aren't enough though, so give it a bit more time before making any life changing decisions.