Coparenting with a husband that blatantly ignores me all the time

[understanding4you]

I’m so frustrated right now and am just looking for advice from others regarding a new woman around your children. I’m not even so much frustrated about the new partner — I think he already put me through the ringer with the actual affairs, but my husband’s constant ignoring when I asked him as I feel it’s the right thing to let me know you’re going to start bringing someone around them. It’s impossible to have any kind of normal communication with him and I don’t know why. No one else gets the level of avoidance I have dealt with and continue to deal with. And so I don’t know how this is all supposed to go. I feel so in the dark. I don’t know where to turn. My family and friends despise my ex-husband, rightfully so. Although they’re supportive of issues I face along the way and I appreciate them being there for me through it all, sometimes I feel worse turning to them for “support” because they’ve never been in a situation quite like mine and can’t relate to the odd behaviors that I’ve dealt with or the extreme level of avoidance. They will continue to tell me, “you’re going to have to deal with this for the rest of your life unfortunately,” “It sucks, but this is now your life”, etc. — I get it. I’m definitely in the thick of it still and it does a million percent suck, but I find myself feeling hopeless at the end of conversations. 

This has all taken such a toll me, as I’m sure it does to many women. I never thought this would be me. Never. Just to give some background — it’s been 2 1/2 years since everything happened. I caught my husband of 9 years (together for 13) cheating on me with his coworker from work. When I discovered the affair, he told me it was none of my business, wanted a divorce and left. No discussion. Refused to have a sit down with me. Just wanted out. And they continued on with their affair. It was devastating and I was alone in shock, denial and confusion for a good year before I was able to wrap my head around it all and finally come to terms with it. For the first year, I kept attempting to reach out to him to understand why he was doing this, and begged and pleaded for answers, to speak to a counselor, but I just continued getting ignored. I felt like a prisoner in my own home as he would start to come back around for a couple days, then leave out again and just continue on that pattern for several months until I said I will no longer allow you to come in and out of this house whenever you feel like it. I was broken emotionally, the kids were confused and witnessed a lot of breakdowns. I even tried to sit him down to go over the logistics of everything, but he just refused to even talk about that and left it all up to me to “figure it out”, which I eventually did on my own. I’m still trying to get back on my feet and rebuild my life with our two daughters, now 10 and 5. He never divorced me. We’re going on 3 years so at this point I will be the one to have to file and have been saving money to be able to do this. They live with me, but go with him every other weekend as he wished. It’s not easy handing your kids off to someone who feels like a complete stranger and a fraud, it’s scary. That exchange alone will take a toll on you. 

We don’t talk at all, except when it’s time for him to see the children, he will shoot me a text saying he’s on his way and that’s basically as far as it goes. I learned that the coworker he was having the affair with left the job around 6 months ago. My kids were never around her, but just a few weeks ago, my children came home from being with him for the weekend and they mentioned that they went to breakfast with “daddy’s coworker.” My heart immediately sank. I asked them who she is and they told me her name and it was a different coworker (I remember the names of the people on his team.) I can’t believe yet again, another coworker he’s becoming involved with. We never discussed how that would go, bringing other romantic partners around our children. He has always refused to talk to me and now here we are. Last night when my kids came home from being with him, they mentioned this “coworker” again and that they were at her house with daddy this weekend. I asked him after they disclosed that information if he’s starting to introduce our daughters to someone, but I just get ignored. I waited 2 days and sent another text asking if he plans to answer my question. He responded asking, “what are the kids up to?” Again today I said, I asked you about someone new that’s been around our children and you just keep ignoring me. His response was, “how are the girls?” At this point I told him to just stop messaging me. It’s so disrespectful and a slap in the face that he’s answering my question with a question and continuously ignoring me. I’m beyond exhausted of not receiving normal adult communication back. Ever. I just can’t help but to think, what have I ever done to deserve this level of ignorance?  It’s clear we’re not together. Haven’t been for going on 3 years, but why don’t I at least deserve the decency of a response back?

How do I deal with this? What would your approach be? The communication with this person is so minimal. He’s just been living his life and it isn’t any of my business. I leave him completely alone. I don’t talk to him at all unless he asks me about our children and he’s given the respect of receiving responses back like normal, adult behavior. I barely ever have to reach out to him on his end about them because they live with me and if there’s a time when they are with him, I just contact my child directly through her tablet or watch. But now that I have a legitimate question to ask him, only because it involves our children, I just continue to get ignored and I don’t know how to work with this.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation - you're really been through the wringer.   Yes, you absolutely deserve responses back from him, but it's clear you're not going to get them.   I guess your only option is to accept that he's going to remain an uncooperative pig.

Is there any chance he'll get bored with custody and drop out of your life?

[Abel]

3 hours ago, understanding4you said:

I’m so frustrated right now and am just looking for advice from others regarding a new woman around your children. I’m not even so much frustrated about the new partner — I think he already put me through the ringer with the actual affairs, but my husband’s constant ignoring when I asked him as I feel it’s the right thing to let me know you’re going to start bringing someone around them. It’s impossible to have any kind of normal communication with him and I don’t know why. No one else gets the level of avoidance I have dealt with and continue to deal with. And so I don’t know how this is all supposed to go. I feel so in the dark. I don’t know where to turn. My family and friends despise my ex-husband, rightfully so. Although they’re supportive of issues I face along the way and I appreciate them being there for me through it all, sometimes I feel worse turning to them for “support” because they’ve never been in a situation quite like mine and can’t relate to the odd behaviors that I’ve dealt with or the extreme level of avoidance. They will continue to tell me, “you’re going to have to deal with this for the rest of your life unfortunately,” “It sucks, but this is now your life”, etc. — I get it. I’m definitely in the thick of it still and it does a million percent suck, but I find myself feeling hopeless at the end of conversations. 

This has all taken such a toll me, as I’m sure it does to many women. I never thought this would be me. Never. Just to give some background — it’s been 2 1/2 years since everything happened. I caught my husband of 9 years (together for 13) cheating on me with his coworker from work. When I discovered the affair, he told me it was none of my business, wanted a divorce and left. No discussion. Refused to have a sit down with me. Just wanted out. And they continued on with their affair. It was devastating and I was alone in shock, denial and confusion for a good year before I was able to wrap my head around it all and finally come to terms with it. For the first year, I kept attempting to reach out to him to understand why he was doing this, and begged and pleaded for answers, to speak to a counselor, but I just continued getting ignored. I felt like a prisoner in my own home as he would start to come back around for a couple days, then leave out again and just continue on that pattern for several months until I said I will no longer allow you to come in and out of this house whenever you feel like it. I was broken emotionally, the kids were confused and witnessed a lot of breakdowns. I even tried to sit him down to go over the logistics of everything, but he just refused to even talk about that and left it all up to me to “figure it out”, which I eventually did on my own. I’m still trying to get back on my feet and rebuild my life with our two daughters, now 10 and 5. He never divorced me. We’re going on 3 years so at this point I will be the one to have to file and have been saving money to be able to do this. They live with me, but go with him every other weekend as he wished. It’s not easy handing your kids off to someone who feels like a complete stranger and a fraud, it’s scary. That exchange alone will take a toll on you. 

I can sense your frustration, feelings of isolation, and desperation for guidance. It's completely understandable, given your situation.

Firstly, please know that you're not alone in this. Many people have navigated similar challenges, and there are resources available to support you.

Regarding your concerns about the new woman in your children's lives, it's essential to prioritize open communication with your ex-husband, despite the challenges you've faced. Consider the following:

Request a formal conversation Ask your ex-husband to schedule a dedicated conversation to discuss the new woman, her role in your children's lives, and any boundaries or expectations you may have.

Focus on co-parenting Emphasize the importance of co-parenting and sharing information about your children's lives, including any new relationships that may impact them.

3Seek mediation or counseling If direct conversations with your ex-husband are too challenging, consider seeking the help of a mediator or co-parenting counselor. They can facilitate discussions and provide guidance on navigating complex co-parenting situations.

To address your feelings of isolation and hopelessness, consider the following:

Support groups Look for online or in-person support groups focused on co-parenting, divorce, or dealing with difficult ex-partners. Sharing experiences with others who understand your challenges can be incredibly helpful.

Therapy or counseling Individual therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and work towards healing and growth.

Online resources Utilize online forums, blogs, or websites focused on co-parenting, divorce, and personal growth. Some recommended resources include:

    - CoParenter

    - OurFamilyWizard

    - Divorce Support Groups

    - The Huffington Post's Divorce section

Lean on supportive friends and family*: While your friends and family may not fully understand your situation, they can still offer emotional support and encouragement. Don't be afraid to reach out to them when you need someone to talk to.

Remember, navigating a difficult co-parenting situation is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient, focus on your own growth and well-being, and seek support when you need it.

Keep in mind that you're doing the best you can, and that's something to be proud of.

[tzorno]

I'm so sorry you are going through this and he's being so childish.  His behavior is similiar to how my ex-wife acted.  It's as if they feel the need to burn every bridge and act as terrible as they can just to hide their guilt.  Unfortunately he probably wont change and you'll not receive any closure from it.  Please get the divorce and get the court orders for the visitation rights.  Again, i'm sorry you will have to deal with that type of person for the time your kids aren't adults.  It shouldn't have to be that way.  

[stillafool]

Perhaps you should consult an attorney and file for a legal separation that outlines rules as it applies to the kids that he has to follow by law would be your best bet. Then if he doesn't you can report him, and he'll have to deal with the consequences.  It's clear he's going to continue to see his girlfriend and doesn't want to discuss her with you.  So stop asking. Since you both can contact your kids by phone you don't have to even talk to him.  You can get a coparenting app for communication.

[understanding4you]

On 12/11/2024 at 5:33 AM, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry you're in this situation - you're really been through the wringer.   Yes, you absolutely deserve responses back from him, but it's clear you're not going to get them.   I guess your only option is to accept that he's going to remain an uncooperative pig.

Is there any chance he'll get bored with custody and drop out of your life?

I think about this all the time. He told me he was bored of me and just wasn’t happy at home anymore. Who just screws the women on their work team..it’s so strange. He is a disgrace and what an embarrassment to me that I’m the wife. I do wish there was a chance he would just drop out of our lives all together. I understand the importance of children having their father in their lives, but I feel he is a horrible example of a man. Does it really ever get better? 

[understanding4you]

I can’t believe that this is my life and I’m actually writing this. My life story with the person I married just continues to morph over time. I made a huge mistake and I’ve felt alone, confused and unsafe since the very beginning. If you were curious about my history in this relationship, I joined this site back before my daughter was even born and wrote about things over the years that’s didnt sit right with me in the relationship. I always knew this person was not for me, didn’t even show an interest in me at that, yet “stayed” with me and I thought that stood for something. I’d constantly battle in my mind if this is the way a relationship/marriage is supposed to feel or if I’m living in some sort of fantasy of the way I hoped it would be — filled with love, intimacy and connection. I equated sex for love and the fact that he wanted to marry me made me feel like it had to be right. I constantly wondered what he saw in me aside from maybe being a pretty face? Because he didn’t seem interested in me as a person at all and couldn’t connect with me on a deeper level. Why would he be here then I’d think? Maybe he needed more time? Though his energy told another story and I would think by the time you desire to marry a person, that’s closeness would have already been established. However, he always looked serious and eventually irritated around me and no matter how many times I’ve tried to check-in with him to see what’s going on, he would time after time again say nothing, everything’s fine. This went on for years. No emotion, extremely surface level exchanges that involve talks about whats for dinner, the weather, his fascination with cars, his job and the logistics of it, people on his team, obstacles he’d encounter with certain projects, etc. I would always listen and found this to be the extent of connection we had with one another. It’s what I held on to. 

I never felt like he was truly interested in me as a person or anything I felt or had to say, no matter what is was about. I’m talking anything from vulnerable conversations regarding childhood to present day adulthood, our lives, our children, just life in general ~ interests, conflicts, beliefs, hopes, faith, dreams for the future, specific goals for myself, for him..our family. I know nothing. It truly felt like trying to engage with a stonewall. I had came to the realization pretty late in the game and years after being married that I’ve always felt stagnant with him, we never talked about anything of substance from the beginning of time. I don’t even know what he believes in faith wise. And that is so absurd to me. I eventually convinced myself to accept that I’m married to someone I can’t connect with on any level. There was no leadership on his behalf in the home. He was literally a body that’s just there and I’m the one that carried the weight of managing the house, making sure bills were paid as he can’t manage money at all, keeping up with anything and everything that involves having children while still working a full-time job myself. I felt depleted and empty and never felt I was able to win his approval or feel affirmed or valued by him in anyway. There were a few times throughout the marriage where he would randomly just say “thank you”. I’d ask him for what since he would say it at such random times and he would just reply by saying “just for being you”.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself to figure out why I let this go on and last for so long. I had always felt things were just not right, but he wouldn’t acknowledge any of it. It was strange. I feel like I stood paralyzed in the analysis of it all. There were alot of family issues on his side related to me specifically (noted in previous posts—way too much detail). Even therapy (that I signed us both up for) he refused to go *with me*. He would go alone for years and so I would go to the same therapist as well, but separate. 

So 5 years into this marriage, 1 child later (together for a total of 7 years at this point) I discovered my husband sexting and exchanging explicit photos with an ex-girlfriend and telling her that he should have married her instead. I was so beside myself, when I confronted him about it, he said he was sorry and didn’t know why he did it. That he was just being “selfish for a second.” [As if it’s not already bad enough, I knew her and she is the niece of his stepfather. The two of them went out first, then introduced his mother and her uncle to which in turn they married. So she’s been around family parties and there’s instances where I’ve had to be around her. I would greet her and even small talk with her to not make it awkward. When I discovered this form of infidelity, I felt so betrayed, scared and confused. But it was as if nothing ever happened — he apologized, I tried to have a more in-depth conversation about why it happened and what happens next and my husband just dismissed me like he always has. We were already actively seeing the same psychologist (separately) so I would just talk about my marriage whenever I would go to my sessions. The next few weeks we didn’t say a word to each other. It was complete silent treatment in our home. I was devastated and trying to process it and figure out what’s next and I guess he just had nothing to say. It was during this time that I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. This made everything even more confusing. I felt like he stole the joy of something so sacred to me. We had been trying for her leading up to this. He didn’t seem thrilled about it, and in hindsight why would he? Just a couple weeks prior, he was sexting his ex. I still don’t know what ever came of it, if they met up with one another. The messages ended abruptly in mid-conversation of their sexting. I will never know. I felt very alone during my pregnancy. At that point, I decided to just carry on and “forget” about what happened. My husband didn’t seem attracted to me much either, he barely even touched me. We rarely had sex as much as I told him I wanted it. He didn’t seem sexually aroused anymore by my pregnant appearance. I had our 2nd daughter and life just continued to feel very robotic and stagnant with now the added responsibility of another child.

3 years later something told me to look in my husband Apple Watch that he left on the nightstand. And that’s when I discovered the 2nd affair, this time indefinitely physical with his coworker. They would get hotel rooms after work. She would tell him to make sure he deleted their messages before returning home. I knew the marriage was 100% over. When I nervously confronted him, he responded that me and him are done and he wants a divorce. No remorse. Was just upset that I looked on his watch. Told me what they had going on was none of my business. He left and that was the end of it. All just feels like a big mystery to me. It’s been 2.5 years. My daughters are now 10 and 5. He never filed the paperwork so we’re legally still married. He makes a little over 100k with just a high school diploma. Stayed at the same workplace since hug school and worked his way up the ranks, now making what he makes. I don’t make nearly that even though I have a BA, but I’m back in school now obtaining my masters to be able to make more money. I’ve had to move into a one bedroom with my children to afford rent and get back on my feet. I did take him to court for child and spousal support a year ago. He’s continued to live with extended family, paternal aunt/husband and their kids in their spare guest room (doesn’t pay rent, helps them out in other ways I learned - contributes monetarily to household projects/maintenance, supports their drinking/smoking habits, groceries, watches their kids if they go away, cleans) with my children spending overnight with him there every other weekend. I’ve expressed my concern about our daughters not having a space of their own and sharing a full size bed with him for these 2.5 years, that i don’t find it appropriate and they deserve better, but he’s just ignored me. I stopped overnights 6 months ago as I was so upset by the living situation to which he took me to court and the judge granted him back the overnights. Told the judge he had apartment lined up, which never happened. 

Fast forward to last month, my daughters  came home telling me they met with “daddy’s friend from work”. I asked them her name and it wasn’t the same one he cheated with. It was another woman I remember that was on his team as well. Now every weekend/break he’s had them this month, they’re suddenly with this woman and this past week she’s been sleeping over his aunts house with my children too. She even woke up on Christmas morning to watch them open their gifts as they were with him this year. I asked him about this as he didn’t mention this will begin happening and I kept getting ignored through text message to which I had to confront him in person about it. He told me it’s none of my business. I told him it was my business to know if another woman he’s with is now going to start being around my children as that’s an important change in their life and it’s happening suddenly. They met her 2 weeks ago and now this week she’s sleeping over and partaking in Xmas with my children. He didn’t say anything, just stares at me blankly. I asked him if she knows he’s still married to me and why he hasn’t just divorced me already since he’s financially in a position to file as opposed to me who is struggling to stay afloat and has actual bills, rent, utilities, etc. It’s been 2 1/2 years! I don’t even qualify for legal aide due to it not being a case of domestic violence. He said she’s aware and he’ll start to work on it. Not only do I feel contempt for him, but I feel particularly disgusted with the aunt and husband who allow all this to go down in their home with my children there and him still being a married man. I’ve always, always, always felt like no one gets me in his world. Not him, not his family. Anything goes. Everything is accepted it seems and no one sees how it’s wrong and dysfunctional. He hasn’t even had an actual discussion with the girls (ESPECIALLY our 10 year old) about this new change. She’s just his friend from work that sleeps over and wakes up with them. I stressed the importance of not labeling her as just that considering the circumstances and how that can be confusing. We don’t “sleep” with work friends. He said he’s not having a talk with them about it until they’re more permanent?? I’m just so perplexed. There are no words for the level of betrayal, devastation and mind f*** this person has been in my life. I feel like he ruined me. I’m trying so hard to heal from this. Let go completely. Look down on it all and move forward, but I can’t help but to feel like I’m still in the thick of it and feeling so horrible about the way my life has played out. 

I’m just looking for advice on all of this. 

[happyhorizons]

3 hours ago, understanding4you said:

I can’t believe that this is my life and I’m actually writing this. My life story with the person I married just continues to morph over time. I made a huge mistake and I’ve felt alone, confused and unsafe since the very beginning. If you were curious about my history in this relationship, I joined this site back before my daughter was even born and wrote about things over the years that’s didnt sit right with me in the relationship. I always knew this person was not for me, didn’t even show an interest in me at that, yet “stayed” with me and I thought that stood for something. I’d constantly battle in my mind if this is the way a relationship/marriage is supposed to feel or if I’m living in some sort of fantasy of the way I hoped it would be — filled with love, intimacy and connection. I equated sex for love and the fact that he wanted to marry me made me feel like it had to be right. I constantly wondered what he saw in me aside from maybe being a pretty face? Because he didn’t seem interested in me as a person at all and couldn’t connect with me on a deeper level. Why would he be here then I’d think? Maybe he needed more time? Though his energy told another story and I would think by the time you desire to marry a person, that’s closeness would have already been established. However, he always looked serious and eventually irritated around me and no matter how many times I’ve tried to check-in with him to see what’s going on, he would time after time again say nothing, everything’s fine. This went on for years. No emotion, extremely surface level exchanges that involve talks about whats for dinner, the weather, his fascination with cars, his job and the logistics of it, people on his team, obstacles he’d encounter with certain projects, etc. I would always listen and found this to be the extent of connection we had with one another. It’s what I held on to. 

I never felt like he was truly interested in me as a person or anything I felt or had to say, no matter what is was about. I’m talking anything from vulnerable conversations regarding childhood to present day adulthood, our lives, our children, just life in general ~ interests, conflicts, beliefs, hopes, faith, dreams for the future, specific goals for myself, for him..our family. I know nothing. It truly felt like trying to engage with a stonewall. I had came to the realization pretty late in the game and years after being married that I’ve always felt stagnant with him, we never talked about anything of substance from the beginning of time. I don’t even know what he believes in faith wise. And that is so absurd to me. I eventually convinced myself to accept that I’m married to someone I can’t connect with on any level. There was no leadership on his behalf in the home. He was literally a body that’s just there and I’m the one that carried the weight of managing the house, making sure bills were paid as he can’t manage money at all, keeping up with anything and everything that involves having children while still working a full-time job myself. I felt depleted and empty and never felt I was able to win his approval or feel affirmed or valued by him in anyway. There were a few times throughout the marriage where he would randomly just say “thank you”. I’d ask him for what since he would say it at such random times and he would just reply by saying “just for being you”.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself to figure out why I let this go on and last for so long. I had always felt things were just not right, but he wouldn’t acknowledge any of it. It was strange. I feel like I stood paralyzed in the analysis of it all. There were alot of family issues on his side related to me specifically (noted in previous posts—way too much detail). Even therapy (that I signed us both up for) he refused to go *with me*. He would go alone for years and so I would go to the same therapist as well, but separate. 

So 5 years into this marriage, 1 child later (together for a total of 7 years at this point) I discovered my husband sexting and exchanging explicit photos with an ex-girlfriend and telling her that he should have married her instead. I was so beside myself, when I confronted him about it, he said he was sorry and didn’t know why he did it. That he was just being “selfish for a second.” [As if it’s not already bad enough, I knew her and she is the niece of his stepfather. The two of them went out first, then introduced his mother and her uncle to which in turn they married. So she’s been around family parties and there’s instances where I’ve had to be around her. I would greet her and even small talk with her to not make it awkward. When I discovered this form of infidelity, I felt so betrayed, scared and confused. But it was as if nothing ever happened — he apologized, I tried to have a more in-depth conversation about why it happened and what happens next and my husband just dismissed me like he always has. We were already actively seeing the same psychologist (separately) so I would just talk about my marriage whenever I would go to my sessions. The next few weeks we didn’t say a word to each other. It was complete silent treatment in our home. I was devastated and trying to process it and figure out what’s next and I guess he just had nothing to say. It was during this time that I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. This made everything even more confusing. I felt like he stole the joy of something so sacred to me. We had been trying for her leading up to this. He didn’t seem thrilled about it, and in hindsight why would he? Just a couple weeks prior, he was sexting his ex. I still don’t know what ever came of it, if they met up with one another. The messages ended abruptly in mid-conversation of their sexting. I will never know. I felt very alone during my pregnancy. At that point, I decided to just carry on and “forget” about what happened. My husband didn’t seem attracted to me much either, he barely even touched me. We rarely had sex as much as I told him I wanted it. He didn’t seem sexually aroused anymore by my pregnant appearance. I had our 2nd daughter and life just continued to feel very robotic and stagnant with now the added responsibility of another child.

3 years later something told me to look in my husband Apple Watch that he left on the nightstand. And that’s when I discovered the 2nd affair, this time indefinitely physical with his coworker. They would get hotel rooms after work. She would tell him to make sure he deleted their messages before returning home. I knew the marriage was 100% over. When I nervously confronted him, he responded that me and him are done and he wants a divorce. No remorse. Was just upset that I looked on his watch. Told me what they had going on was none of my business. He left and that was the end of it. All just feels like a big mystery to me. It’s been 2.5 years. My daughters are now 10 and 5. He never filed the paperwork so we’re legally still married. He makes a little over 100k with just a high school diploma. Stayed at the same workplace since hug school and worked his way up the ranks, now making what he makes. I don’t make nearly that even though I have a BA, but I’m back in school now obtaining my masters to be able to make more money. I’ve had to move into a one bedroom with my children to afford rent and get back on my feet. I did take him to court for child and spousal support a year ago. He’s continued to live with extended family, paternal aunt/husband and their kids in their spare guest room (doesn’t pay rent, helps them out in other ways I learned - contributes monetarily to household projects/maintenance, supports their drinking/smoking habits, groceries, watches their kids if they go away, cleans) with my children spending overnight with him there every other weekend. I’ve expressed my concern about our daughters not having a space of their own and sharing a full size bed with him for these 2.5 years, that i don’t find it appropriate and they deserve better, but he’s just ignored me. I stopped overnights 6 months ago as I was so upset by the living situation to which he took me to court and the judge granted him back the overnights. Told the judge he had apartment lined up, which never happened. 

Fast forward to last month, my daughters  came home telling me they met with “daddy’s friend from work”. I asked them her name and it wasn’t the same one he cheated with. It was another woman I remember that was on his team as well. Now every weekend/break he’s had them this month, they’re suddenly with this woman and this past week she’s been sleeping over his aunts house with my children too. She even woke up on Christmas morning to watch them open their gifts as they were with him this year. I asked him about this as he didn’t mention this will begin happening and I kept getting ignored through text message to which I had to confront him in person about it. He told me it’s none of my business. I told him it was my business to know if another woman he’s with is now going to start being around my children as that’s an important change in their life and it’s happening suddenly. They met her 2 weeks ago and now this week she’s sleeping over and partaking in Xmas with my children. He didn’t say anything, just stares at me blankly. I asked him if she knows he’s still married to me and why he hasn’t just divorced me already since he’s financially in a position to file as opposed to me who is struggling to stay afloat and has actual bills, rent, utilities, etc. It’s been 2 1/2 years! I don’t even qualify for legal aide due to it not being a case of domestic violence. He said she’s aware and he’ll start to work on it. Not only do I feel contempt for him, but I feel particularly disgusted with the aunt and husband who allow all this to go down in their home with my children there and him still being a married man. I’ve always, always, always felt like no one gets me in his world. Not him, not his family. Anything goes. Everything is accepted it seems and no one sees how it’s wrong and dysfunctional. He hasn’t even had an actual discussion with the girls (ESPECIALLY our 10 year old) about this new change. She’s just his friend from work that sleeps over and wakes up with them. I stressed the importance of not labeling her as just that considering the circumstances and how that can be confusing. We don’t “sleep” with work friends. He said he’s not having a talk with them about it until they’re more permanent?? I’m just so perplexed. There are no words for the level of betrayal, devastation and mind f*** this person has been in my life. I feel like he ruined me. I’m trying so hard to heal from this. Let go completely. Look down on it all and move forward, but I can’t help but to feel like I’m still in the thick of it and feeling so horrible about the way my life has played out. 

I’m just looking for advice on all of this. 

This is extremely sad to read.  You definitely NEED TO HEAL but you can do it.

[stillafool]

On 12/12/2024 at 11:28 AM, understanding4you said:

I think about this all the time. He told me he was bored of me and just wasn’t happy at home anymore. Who just screws the women on their work team..it’s so strange. He is a disgrace and what an embarrassment to me that I’m the wife. I do wish there was a chance he would just drop out of our lives all together. I understand the importance of children having their father in their lives, but I feel he is a horrible example of a man. Does it really ever get better? 

Why haven't you divorced him by now?  I read your post history and he loves having affair on you, won't talk to you and has told you he is bored with you.  Don't you want to be happy?  He has been checked out of the marriage.  Your children won't lose their dad because he loves them and will still be their father and see them. He's not going to stop seeing other women and ignoring you.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, understanding4you said:

He didn’t say anything, just stares at me blankly. I asked him if she knows he’s still married to me and why he hasn’t just divorced me already since he’s financially in a position to file as opposed to me who is struggling to stay afloat and has actual bills, rent, utilities, etc. It’s been 2 1/2 years! I don’t even qualify for legal aide due to it not being a case of domestic violence. He said she’s aware and he’ll start to work on it. Not only do I feel contempt for him, but I feel particularly disgusted with the aunt and husband who allow all this to go down in their home with my children there and him still being a married man. I’ve always, always, always felt like no one gets me in his world. Not him, not his family. Anything goes. Everything is accepted it seems and no one sees how it’s wrong and dysfunctional. He hasn’t even had an actual discussion with the girls (ESPECIALLY our 10 year old) about this new change. She’s just his friend from work that sleeps over and wakes up with them. I stressed the importance of not labeling her as just that considering the circumstances and how that can be confusing. We don’t “sleep” with work friends. He said he’s not having a talk with them about it until they’re more permanent?? I’m just so perplexed. There are no words for the level of betrayal, devastation and mind f*** this person has been in my life. I feel like he ruined me. I’m trying so hard to heal from this. Let go completely. Look down on it all and move forward, but I can’t help but to feel like I’m still in the thick of it and feeling so horrible about the way my life has played out.

Since it's been 2-1/2 years that you are separated does he pay you any child support?  I think your best bet would be to let go completely, look down on it all and move forward.  Even when he divorces you he can still have other women around his kids and will.

[understanding4you]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Since it's been 2-1/2 years that you are separated does he pay you any child support?  I think your best bet would be to let go completely, look down on it all and move forward.  Even when he divorces you he can still have other women around his kids and will.

Of course. I had gone to court a year after he left and filed for child and spousal support. It was what helped me move forward. I haven’t filed the divorce because I need a lawyer which I cannot afford at this time. I’m still trying to get back on my feet. I do not have thousands of dollars to spare right now. I’m just making it each month.

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, understanding4you said:

Of course. I had gone to court a year after he left and filed for child and spousal support.

Were you able to get it?

[understanding4you]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Were you able to get it?

Yes, I addressed it all in the post I just wrote. I’ve been receiving my support for a little over a year at this point. It was how I was able to move out and somewhat rebuild. I had to move into a one bedroom with my children, which is where I am now. The house we were renting before he left out was way too expensive for me to pay alone. Thing is, I filed the support for me and the children in the state of PA. In the state of NJ (where I had to move back to and he lives as well) the only way you receive spousal support is by filing the actual divorce which then an attorney will work out and fight for what you will receive in alimony. You can’t just go to domestic relations (as I did in PA) and get spousal. This is the reason why I haven’t filed MYSELF because I need a lawyer, however can’t afford one. My case is still in the state of PA. I purposely never transferred it so I can’t still keep my spousal support as I need it. 

He just won’t do anything. It’s almost like on his end he just thinks , well what’s it matter if we’re still legally married. Here nor there to him. Either way he’s moved on twice already, so I don’t see an importance in him taking the initiative and filing it. Hence, why it’s still been 2.5 years and nothing. The women he’s been with are good with it too apparently so there’s no urgency on his end. I hate that im still in some way, even though only legally “connected” to him. Married in status and carrying his last name. Makes me sick to my stomach. 

Edited December 29, 2024 by understanding4you

[stillafool]

It's too bad you can't somehow borrow the money to get a divorce and get your  monies from him that you need to move on.  I'm afraid you'll get no relief until you do.

Edited December 29, 2024 by stillafool

[understanding4you]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

It's too bad you can't somehow borrow the money to get a divorce and get your  monies from him that you need to move on.  I'm afraid you'll get no relief until you do.

I know. I thought about this, believe me, but I don’t have anyone that can front that sort of money. I just want out of this circus I feel I’m a part of still being legally binded. Kids sure change things drastically. Had I not had any I would have ran so far away so long ago and he never would have seen or heard from me again. I would not be in present day with any connection. I feel like I’ll always be connected for life to him and I don’t know how to cope with that. I worry that I’ll always feel slighted and betrayed and the pain won’t ever go away. Even with the 2.5 years that’s gone by, it hasn’t made it any easier the way I feel. I still can’t even bring myself to look him in the face during brief kid exchanges. I just focus my eyes on the kids, kiss them and send them off not breaking my eye contact off them until I close my door. I feel like I get PTSD when he’s anywhere near me or I hear his voice. Even when he texts me something regarding them, it’s so hard. It’s just a constant reminder of reality, what he chose and how betrayed I feel. 

[basil67]

There are some lawyers who will allow you to pay at the end of the divorce after the money has come through.  Have you investigated this option? 

[understanding4you]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

There are some lawyers who will allow you to pay at the end of the divorce after the money has come through.  Have you investigated this option? 

I’ve contacted about 10 already, some free consult some I had to pay. I haven’t came across any that do this. There’s always a retainer due upfront and then once that exhausts, you have to keep paying for them to work your case. I’ve asked about filing a motion for him to pay my counsel fees. Im told the back and forth that would bring is an investment in itself. If it was an easy, quick thing I would have filed a while ago. There’s so many fees/costs involved. Im looking on the very, very low end with no issues, straightforward case with no resistance on his end, 5-7K. 

[tzorno]

5-7K?  Surely you can find a lawyer with a smaller retainer than that.  You need to file for the divorce or it's never going to happen.  Your husband is a piece of garbage.  He's never going to push for any change because he's content.  The true victims in all of this is the children.  This situation now is confusing to them and is teaching them the wrong lessons.  This is not correct or normal behavior (your husband).  

I don't know if you have and family or friends that you can reach out to for some monetary support or a loan, but this divorce needed to happen yesterday so that you can move on and heal.  Do not let that parasite drag you down any longer.  Take control of your life no matter how you have to do it.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, understanding4you said:

I’ve contacted about 10 already, some free consult some I had to pay. I haven’t came across any that do this. There’s always a retainer due upfront and then once that exhausts, you have to keep paying for them to work your case. I’ve asked about filing a motion for him to pay my counsel fees. Im told the back and forth that would bring is an investment in itself. If it was an easy, quick thing I would have filed a while ago. There’s so many fees/costs involved. Im looking on the very, very low end with no issues, straightforward case with no resistance on his end, 5-7K. 

Have you Googled for lawyers who will accept payment at the end?