Coparenting with a husband that blatantly ignores me all the time

[understanding4you]

I’m so frustrated right now and am just looking for advice from others regarding a new woman around your children. I’m not even so much frustrated about the new partner — I think he already put me through the ringer with the actual affairs, but my husband’s constant ignoring when I asked him as I feel it’s the right thing to let me know you’re going to start bringing someone around them. It’s impossible to have any kind of normal communication with him and I don’t know why. No one else gets the level of avoidance I have dealt with and continue to deal with. And so I don’t know how this is all supposed to go. I feel so in the dark. I don’t know where to turn. My family and friends despise my ex-husband, rightfully so. Although they’re supportive of issues I face along the way and I appreciate them being there for me through it all, sometimes I feel worse turning to them for “support” because they’ve never been in a situation quite like mine and can’t relate to the odd behaviors that I’ve dealt with or the extreme level of avoidance. They will continue to tell me, “you’re going to have to deal with this for the rest of your life unfortunately,” “It sucks, but this is now your life”, etc. — I get it. I’m definitely in the thick of it still and it does a million percent suck, but I find myself feeling hopeless at the end of conversations. 

This has all taken such a toll me, as I’m sure it does to many women. I never thought this would be me. Never. Just to give some background — it’s been 2 1/2 years since everything happened. I caught my husband of 9 years (together for 13) cheating on me with his coworker from work. When I discovered the affair, he told me it was none of my business, wanted a divorce and left. No discussion. Refused to have a sit down with me. Just wanted out. And they continued on with their affair. It was devastating and I was alone in shock, denial and confusion for a good year before I was able to wrap my head around it all and finally come to terms with it. For the first year, I kept attempting to reach out to him to understand why he was doing this, and begged and pleaded for answers, to speak to a counselor, but I just continued getting ignored. I felt like a prisoner in my own home as he would start to come back around for a couple days, then leave out again and just continue on that pattern for several months until I said I will no longer allow you to come in and out of this house whenever you feel like it. I was broken emotionally, the kids were confused and witnessed a lot of breakdowns. I even tried to sit him down to go over the logistics of everything, but he just refused to even talk about that and left it all up to me to “figure it out”, which I eventually did on my own. I’m still trying to get back on my feet and rebuild my life with our two daughters, now 10 and 5. He never divorced me. We’re going on 3 years so at this point I will be the one to have to file and have been saving money to be able to do this. They live with me, but go with him every other weekend as he wished. It’s not easy handing your kids off to someone who feels like a complete stranger and a fraud, it’s scary. That exchange alone will take a toll on you. 

We don’t talk at all, except when it’s time for him to see the children, he will shoot me a text saying he’s on his way and that’s basically as far as it goes. I learned that the coworker he was having the affair with left the job around 6 months ago. My kids were never around her, but just a few weeks ago, my children came home from being with him for the weekend and they mentioned that they went to breakfast with “daddy’s coworker.” My heart immediately sank. I asked them who she is and they told me her name and it was a different coworker (I remember the names of the people on his team.) I can’t believe yet again, another coworker he’s becoming involved with. We never discussed how that would go, bringing other romantic partners around our children. He has always refused to talk to me and now here we are. Last night when my kids came home from being with him, they mentioned this “coworker” again and that they were at her house with daddy this weekend. I asked him after they disclosed that information if he’s starting to introduce our daughters to someone, but I just get ignored. I waited 2 days and sent another text asking if he plans to answer my question. He responded asking, “what are the kids up to?” Again today I said, I asked you about someone new that’s been around our children and you just keep ignoring me. His response was, “how are the girls?” At this point I told him to just stop messaging me. It’s so disrespectful and a slap in the face that he’s answering my question with a question and continuously ignoring me. I’m beyond exhausted of not receiving normal adult communication back. Ever. I just can’t help but to think, what have I ever done to deserve this level of ignorance?  It’s clear we’re not together. Haven’t been for going on 3 years, but why don’t I at least deserve the decency of a response back?

How do I deal with this? What would your approach be? The communication with this person is so minimal. He’s just been living his life and it isn’t any of my business. I leave him completely alone. I don’t talk to him at all unless he asks me about our children and he’s given the respect of receiving responses back like normal, adult behavior. I barely ever have to reach out to him on his end about them because they live with me and if there’s a time when they are with him, I just contact my child directly through her tablet or watch. But now that I have a legitimate question to ask him, only because it involves our children, I just continue to get ignored and I don’t know how to work with this.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation - you're really been through the wringer.   Yes, you absolutely deserve responses back from him, but it's clear you're not going to get them.   I guess your only option is to accept that he's going to remain an uncooperative pig.

Is there any chance he'll get bored with custody and drop out of your life?

[Abel]

3 hours ago, understanding4you said:

I’m so frustrated right now and am just looking for advice from others regarding a new woman around your children. I’m not even so much frustrated about the new partner — I think he already put me through the ringer with the actual affairs, but my husband’s constant ignoring when I asked him as I feel it’s the right thing to let me know you’re going to start bringing someone around them. It’s impossible to have any kind of normal communication with him and I don’t know why. No one else gets the level of avoidance I have dealt with and continue to deal with. And so I don’t know how this is all supposed to go. I feel so in the dark. I don’t know where to turn. My family and friends despise my ex-husband, rightfully so. Although they’re supportive of issues I face along the way and I appreciate them being there for me through it all, sometimes I feel worse turning to them for “support” because they’ve never been in a situation quite like mine and can’t relate to the odd behaviors that I’ve dealt with or the extreme level of avoidance. They will continue to tell me, “you’re going to have to deal with this for the rest of your life unfortunately,” “It sucks, but this is now your life”, etc. — I get it. I’m definitely in the thick of it still and it does a million percent suck, but I find myself feeling hopeless at the end of conversations. 

This has all taken such a toll me, as I’m sure it does to many women. I never thought this would be me. Never. Just to give some background — it’s been 2 1/2 years since everything happened. I caught my husband of 9 years (together for 13) cheating on me with his coworker from work. When I discovered the affair, he told me it was none of my business, wanted a divorce and left. No discussion. Refused to have a sit down with me. Just wanted out. And they continued on with their affair. It was devastating and I was alone in shock, denial and confusion for a good year before I was able to wrap my head around it all and finally come to terms with it. For the first year, I kept attempting to reach out to him to understand why he was doing this, and begged and pleaded for answers, to speak to a counselor, but I just continued getting ignored. I felt like a prisoner in my own home as he would start to come back around for a couple days, then leave out again and just continue on that pattern for several months until I said I will no longer allow you to come in and out of this house whenever you feel like it. I was broken emotionally, the kids were confused and witnessed a lot of breakdowns. I even tried to sit him down to go over the logistics of everything, but he just refused to even talk about that and left it all up to me to “figure it out”, which I eventually did on my own. I’m still trying to get back on my feet and rebuild my life with our two daughters, now 10 and 5. He never divorced me. We’re going on 3 years so at this point I will be the one to have to file and have been saving money to be able to do this. They live with me, but go with him every other weekend as he wished. It’s not easy handing your kids off to someone who feels like a complete stranger and a fraud, it’s scary. That exchange alone will take a toll on you. 

I can sense your frustration, feelings of isolation, and desperation for guidance. It's completely understandable, given your situation.

Firstly, please know that you're not alone in this. Many people have navigated similar challenges, and there are resources available to support you.

Regarding your concerns about the new woman in your children's lives, it's essential to prioritize open communication with your ex-husband, despite the challenges you've faced. Consider the following:

Request a formal conversation Ask your ex-husband to schedule a dedicated conversation to discuss the new woman, her role in your children's lives, and any boundaries or expectations you may have.

Focus on co-parenting Emphasize the importance of co-parenting and sharing information about your children's lives, including any new relationships that may impact them.

3Seek mediation or counseling If direct conversations with your ex-husband are too challenging, consider seeking the help of a mediator or co-parenting counselor. They can facilitate discussions and provide guidance on navigating complex co-parenting situations.

To address your feelings of isolation and hopelessness, consider the following:

Support groups Look for online or in-person support groups focused on co-parenting, divorce, or dealing with difficult ex-partners. Sharing experiences with others who understand your challenges can be incredibly helpful.

Therapy or counseling Individual therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and work towards healing and growth.

Online resources Utilize online forums, blogs, or websites focused on co-parenting, divorce, and personal growth. Some recommended resources include:

    - CoParenter

    - OurFamilyWizard

    - Divorce Support Groups

    - The Huffington Post's Divorce section

Lean on supportive friends and family*: While your friends and family may not fully understand your situation, they can still offer emotional support and encouragement. Don't be afraid to reach out to them when you need someone to talk to.

Remember, navigating a difficult co-parenting situation is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient, focus on your own growth and well-being, and seek support when you need it.

Keep in mind that you're doing the best you can, and that's something to be proud of.

[tzorno]

I'm so sorry you are going through this and he's being so childish.  His behavior is similiar to how my ex-wife acted.  It's as if they feel the need to burn every bridge and act as terrible as they can just to hide their guilt.  Unfortunately he probably wont change and you'll not receive any closure from it.  Please get the divorce and get the court orders for the visitation rights.  Again, i'm sorry you will have to deal with that type of person for the time your kids aren't adults.  It shouldn't have to be that way.  

[stillafool]

Perhaps you should consult an attorney and file for a legal separation that outlines rules as it applies to the kids that he has to follow by law would be your best bet. Then if he doesn't you can report him, and he'll have to deal with the consequences.  It's clear he's going to continue to see his girlfriend and doesn't want to discuss her with you.  So stop asking. Since you both can contact your kids by phone you don't have to even talk to him.  You can get a coparenting app for communication.

[understanding4you]

On 12/11/2024 at 5:33 AM, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry you're in this situation - you're really been through the wringer.   Yes, you absolutely deserve responses back from him, but it's clear you're not going to get them.   I guess your only option is to accept that he's going to remain an uncooperative pig.

Is there any chance he'll get bored with custody and drop out of your life?

I think about this all the time. He told me he was bored of me and just wasn’t happy at home anymore. Who just screws the women on their work team..it’s so strange. He is a disgrace and what an embarrassment to me that I’m the wife. I do wish there was a chance he would just drop out of our lives all together. I understand the importance of children having their father in their lives, but I feel he is a horrible example of a man. Does it really ever get better?