Dating for 5 months, she's still dating another guy for the last 5-6 months

[JohnGoober]

We've been dating for 5 months. Early on, after 3 dates, she told me she is also dating other people and I was fine with that - I had no attachment or feelings towards her. However, I did tell her that I was looking for a serious monogamous relationship and she told me she was looking for the same. 

We have been pretty much acting like a couple meeting every week. She has a stall on the weekends at a weekend market, I drive her there, sit in her stall to accompany her, drive her back and take care of her when she's feeling unwell. I also pay for everything since I earn double. She does seem to care about me as she cares about my wellbeing. I understand I'm not her boyfriend but I guess I am behaving like one. I feel we have good chemistry - we have sex every time we meet, cuddle, hold hands, touch each other pretty much all the time when we are together. I sometimes feel she is emotionally unavailable.

I felt its time to have a conversation about making things official and I also wanted to clear the doubt I had in my mind. I noticed that she would message someone a lot.. I asked her if she is still dating him to which she said yes but they don't meet often. I don't know if they're having sex (maybe?). 

Some important information that made me not trust her is - she used to live with a partner for several years in an apartment and hid this information from her family. Whenever her family used to visit her apartment, she would hide all the photos to make sure there's no evidence of her having a partner. Furthermore, when she was in a serious relationship with her ex-partner, she told me she never saw a future with him yet she continued being in relationship for a long time. Even when I met her, she was still in contact with him and took care of his car. 
Even though we have been dating for 5 months, she has never let me inside her apartment. Even when I was carrying her heavy stuff, she would ask me to drop it outside and carry them herself. She never brought up commitment. 

I told her that its her right to date others but I don't feel comfortable just being an option even after several months of dating. She told me she feels bad for hurting me and wants to talk about it. I realize now that I have to reconsider whether I want to continue seeing her - what's the point if I'm just an option and she will leave me when things get serious with the other person?

TL;Dr Been dating for 6 months. Pretty much act like a couple. Felt its time to talk about commitment but turns out, she is still dating another guy for the last 6 months.

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, JohnGoober said:

Even though we have been dating for 5 months, she has never let me inside her apartment.

Why not? What is her reason for this?

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

I realize now that I have to reconsider whether I want to continue seeing her

I wouldn't continue seeing her. She likes you okay, but not enough to forgo other men. Or let you inside her house. 

This should be a no-brainer, OP. 

 

[Abel]

1 hour ago, JohnGoober said:

We've been dating for 5 months. Early on, after 3 dates, she told me she is also dating other people and I was fine with that - I had no attachment or feelings towards her. However, I did tell her that I was looking for a serious monogamous relationship and she told me she was looking for the same. 

Five months into dating, and the situation has become more complex. Given your initial agreement to casual dating and your subsequent expression of seeking a serious, monogamous relationship, here are some points to consider:

Current Situation

Mixed signalsbShe initially stated she was dating others, but also expressed interest in a serious, monogamous relationship.

Your feelings have evolved Over time, you've developed feelings for her, which changes the dynamic.

Unclear commitment It's unclear if she's still dating others or if she's interested in committing to you exclusively.

Advice

Open and honest conversation Have a calm, respectful conversation with her about your feelings, expectations, and concerns. Be clear about your desire for a monogamous relationship.

Clarify her intentions Ask her directly if she's still dating others and if she's interested in committing to you exclusively.

Evaluate her response Pay attention to her words, tone, and body language. If she's hesitant, unclear, or uninterested in committing to you, it may be a sign that she's not ready for a serious relationship.

Consider your own needs Reflect on your own emotional needs and whether this relationship is meeting them. If you're feeling uncertain, unheard, or unvalued, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

Be prepared for any outcome The conversation may lead to a deeper understanding and commitment, or it may reveal that you're not compatible. Be prepared to accept either outcome and prioritize your own emotional well-being.

[Maldives]

3 hours ago, JohnGoober said:

We've been dating for 5 months. Early on, after 3 dates, she told me she is also dating other people and I was fine with that - I had no attachment or feelings towards her. However, I did tell her that I was looking for a serious monogamous relationship and she told me she was looking for the same. 

We have been pretty much acting like a couple meeting every week. She has a stall on the weekends at a weekend market, I drive her there, sit in her stall to accompany her, drive her back and take care of her when she's feeling unwell. I also pay for everything since I earn double. She does seem to care about me as she cares about my wellbeing. I understand I'm not her boyfriend but I guess I am behaving like one. I feel we have good chemistry - we have sex every time we meet, cuddle, hold hands, touch each other pretty much all the time when we are together. I sometimes feel she is emotionally unavailable.

I felt its time to have a conversation about making things official and I also wanted to clear the doubt I had in my mind. I noticed that she would message someone a lot.. I asked her if she is still dating him to which she said yes but they don't meet often. I don't know if they're having sex (maybe?). 

Some important information that made me not trust her is - she used to live with a partner for several years in an apartment and hid this information from her family. Whenever her family used to visit her apartment, she would hide all the photos to make sure there's no evidence of her having a partner. Furthermore, when she was in a serious relationship with her ex-partner, she told me she never saw a future with him yet she continued being in relationship for a long time. Even when I met her, she was still in contact with him and took care of his car. 
Even though we have been dating for 5 months, she has never let me inside her apartment. Even when I was carrying her heavy stuff, she would ask me to drop it outside and carry them herself. She never brought up commitment. 

I told her that its her right to date others but I don't feel comfortable just being an option even after several months of dating. She told me she feels bad for hurting me and wants to talk about it. I realize now that I have to reconsider whether I want to continue seeing her - what's the point if I'm just an option and she will leave me when things get serious with the other person?

TL;Dr Been dating for 6 months. Pretty much act like a couple. Felt its time to talk about commitment but turns out, she is still dating another guy for the last 6 months.

Man, why do we men settle for so little. All they need to do is turn up. You sound like me I had a similar situation/vibe to yours you can read my posts. Like mine, she has low interest dude. You pay drive her around and all she does is show up. It is blinding when we feel strong for someone but from where I am, I can see it is not mutual, she's using you. Walk away, i did and feel much better for it. I'd rather be single then go through that lacklustre waste of my time and resources experience again. 

 

"Furthermore, when she was in a serious relationship with her ex-partner, she told me she never saw a future with him yet she continued being in relationship for a long time."

 

Woman date/stay in relationships for a variety of reasons ie; security, the lifestyle etc

Edited December 11, 2024 by Goodguy05

[smackie9]

I think after a few months it's time for a change. This is going nowhere/a dead end. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dump her and move on. You're wasting time and neglecting yourself by helping her with her business. You shouldn't be paying for dates--you don't seriously date her! She's a friend who you have sex with. BTW: the sex is only confusing you. 

 

[ShyViolet]

She's clearly telling you with her behavior that she is only interested in a casual relationship with you.... not a serious monogamous one.  This woman likes hanging out with you but isn't emotionally available or interested in a true commitment.  If you're not happy with that, you will need to end this relationship.