How should I deal with an infertile partner?

[Andomnistar]

I (27) have never dated, haven't kissed at all, never had sex, until this woman (37). I got rejected like 15+ times a year (she doesn’t know this though lol). I told her about my inexperience and she wasn't bothered and thought it was kind of sweet, but did tell me this would be different for her as well, since she's usually the less experienced one when she has had sex.

 

Her and I had been on a few dates and had made out, but finally started hooking up on the 4th date. I was having performance anxiety a few times but she was understanding. Then, after being able to get hard after a few try, I came too quick. She was ok with it. Then we found our rhythm and it has been amazing. I care about her so much and really wanted her to be my gf soon, it felt like it was going that way. I felt like this was it. I decided to start dating her.

 

Fast forward to now, we aren’t married but I did bring up the notion of having kids. She said she can’t get pregnant at her age, she apparently tried 2 years ago with her ex (who she left after he got into drugs fwiw). However, she offered to adopt. I won’t lie that this puts a damper on things because I really want kids that are biologically mine. I have for some time.

 

The woman I’m with can tell I am off and I can tell she's a little nervous about it. This is killing me because she's amazing but now I'm wondering if I should explore for someone who IS fertile? I don't think she's the type that would give a second chance. I'm so torn. I think I can fall in love with this woman, she seems like the girl of my dreams, but now I'm questioning it . And now I picture HER breaking it off with ME and that would destroy me. I wanted to ask her to be my wife and now I don't know.

 

TLDR; gf is infertile and I’m thinking of looking for someone who isn't.

[Maldives]

3 hours ago, Andomnistar said:

I (27) have never dated, haven't kissed at all, never had sex, until this woman (37). I got rejected like 15+ times a year (she doesn’t know this though lol). I told her about my inexperience and she wasn't bothered and thought it was kind of sweet, but did tell me this would be different for her as well, since she's usually the less experienced one when she has had sex.

 

Her and I had been on a few dates and had made out, but finally started hooking up on the 4th date. I was having performance anxiety a few times but she was understanding. Then, after being able to get hard after a few try, I came too quick. She was ok with it. Then we found our rhythm and it has been amazing. I care about her so much and really wanted her to be my gf soon, it felt like it was going that way. I felt like this was it. I decided to start dating her.

 

Fast forward to now, we aren’t married but I did bring up the notion of having kids. She said she can’t get pregnant at her age, she apparently tried 2 years ago with her ex (who she left after he got into drugs fwiw). However, she offered to adopt. I won’t lie that this puts a damper on things because I really want kids that are biologically mine. I have for some time.

 

The woman I’m with can tell I am off and I can tell she's a little nervous about it. This is killing me because she's amazing but now I'm wondering if I should explore for someone who IS fertile? I don't think she's the type that would give a second chance. I'm so torn. I think I can fall in love with this woman, she seems like the girl of my dreams, but now I'm questioning it . And now I picture HER breaking it off with ME and that would destroy me. I wanted to ask her to be my wife and now I don't know.

 

TLDR; gf is infertile and I’m thinking of looking for someone who isn't.

Sorry to say but not compatible. That's a deal breaker unfortunately. 

[basil67]

I'm inclined to agree that it's a dealbreaker, but even with a new partner, fertility is not guaranteed.   Just sticking this in as part of your equation

[ShyViolet]

There's no middle ground here.  You just need to make a decision.  Either this having kids issue is so important to you that you would be willing to end the relationship and seek someone else, or staying with this woman is important enough to you that you would be willing to forget about having kids of your own.  You should let her know now that this is on your mind, just so you aren't being dishonest with her.  

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Andomnistar said:

She said she can’t get pregnant at her age

Has she seen a doctor to know that she is not able to have a child? Because - while fertility seriously declines after 35, women can still get pregnant and should use birth control well into menopause (in their later 40’s or 50’s for most women). I have a friend who had two children in her 40’s. That’s not the norm, and while I agree that it’s unlikely she is going to start a family with you at 37 years old… I just think that’s a strange comment for her to make. I wouldn’t accept it at face value without more information. 

That said, you need to decide what you value more in life - this woman or having your own children with another woman who is younger and still interested/able to have children. 

We can’t answer that question - only you can make that decision. 

[Gaeta]

Yah, was she diagnosed? 

I don't trust this *tried 2 years didn't work out*. It could have been him the infertile one.

[Gebidozo]

You must decide what’s more important to you, being with this woman or having kids.

However, as Basil says above, fertility is not a guarantee.

It’s a tough choice, and one you need to make yourself, nobody can really advise you anything here.

Also, are you absolutely certain that she is infertile? Is there a medical confirmation for this? Age alone cannot be the reason, at 37 it’s harder to get pregnant, but not impossible. My Mom had me when she was 40, and I know a couple where the woman gave birth at 42.

Edited December 12, 2024 by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

To the people questioning whether she is really infertile..... I think the fact that she's telling him she's not fertile is a pretty clear indication that she doesn't WANT to push the issue.  If she was interested in pursuing this, I'm sure she would be looking into all the medical interventions and talking as if she's open to that possibility.  It sounds like she has accepted in her mind that she's not having biological kids.  So he should take that at face value and proceed accordingly.  It's not his place to question it.

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Age alone cannot be the reason, at 37 it’s harder to get pregnant, but not impossible

It's not her age per se, it's the amount of eggs she still has.   Some women run out far earlier than others

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

 It's not his place to question it.

He needs to question it if they are going to have unprotected sex and he doesn't want a surprise baby when she's 50. 

I would not trust someone telling me they are infertile as a contraceptive.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He needs to question it if they are going to have unprotected sex and he doesn't want a surprise baby when she's 50. 

I would not trust someone telling me they are infertile as a contraceptive.

Good point.  If situations were reversed, I'd certainly want to know if he was literally sterile, or effectively sterile

[SurfCity]

You can get a surrogate if a biological child is very important to you. 

You should seriously consider a surrogate or adoption before walking away from the one woman who has ever wanted to date you.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP,  surely you realize there is no guarantee that a younger woman would be any more biologically-equipped to have a child. There are all sorts of health issues that can plague even younger women which would interfere with conception. 

However, this isn't something you can compromise on. You either want to try to have a child together (through natural conception or otherwise) or you move on from each other. 

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He needs to question it if they are going to have unprotected sex and he doesn't want a surprise baby when she's 50. 

I would not trust someone telling me they are infertile as a contraceptive.

In principle, I agree with ShyViolet, but you make a hilarious (and great) point. 😆 OP's girlfriend's statement definitely is not an effective contraceptive.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

. I think the fact that she's telling him she's not fertile is a pretty clear indication that she doesn't WANT to push the issue.

Agree completely. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, SurfCity said:

You can get a surrogate if a biological child is very important to you. 

You should seriously consider a surrogate or adoption before walking away from the one woman who has ever wanted to date you.

Just be aware of the cost of both options OP. 

[ShyViolet]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He needs to question it if they are going to have unprotected sex and he doesn't want a surprise baby when she's 50. 

I would not trust someone telling me they are infertile as a contraceptive.

I wasn't suggesting that he rely on her claim of being infertile as birth control.  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I wasn't suggesting that he rely on her claim of being infertile as birth control.  

But if she truly is infertile and it can be proven, it actually makes for good birth control

[Els]

I mean, I'm not sure how anyone could answer this for you. If you are absolutely 100% sure that you need to have biological kids (adoption or surrogacy wouldn't work for you) and it's the most important thing in the world to you, then yes you should leave and probably don't date people in their late 30s.

But have you actually thought this through, and is it something that you genuinely need for yourself, or is it something that you think you need because people tell you it's what "real men do", etc? I can tell you that I've known quite a few people who changed their minds on that for various reasons - moving out of a conservative environment, or falling in love with a person who would have difficulty conceiving, or even just doing an ObGyn rotation in med school.

So yeah, it's your life, and if this is so important to you that you are willing to risk being single for longer, then you should obviously leave. We all have dealbreaker, after all. But I think you should really do some introspection on your motivations first.

Edited December 12, 2024 by Els

[Andomnistar]

20 hours ago, SurfCity said:

You can get a surrogate if a biological child is very important to you. 

You should seriously consider a surrogate or adoption before walking away from the one woman who has ever wanted to date you.

Just curious on what her being my first has to do with it.

[SurfCity]

3 hours ago, Andomnistar said:

Just curious on what her being my first has to do with it.

For the same reason you mentioned being rejected 15 times in one year. 

[Andomnistar]

41 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

For the same reason you mentioned being rejected 15 times in one year. 

Thinking I won’t find anyone else?

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Andomnistar said:

Thinking I won’t find anyone else?

When you love someone, you don’t think of finding anyone else, not because you can’t, but because you don’t want to.

If you stay with her only out of fear of being alone, then better break up with her. That’s not a good reason to be staying with anyone, especially since her infertility is a big issue for you already.

[Els]

12 hours ago, Andomnistar said:

Thinking I won’t find anyone else?

I'm not the poster you quoted, but it's not just that IMO. In general young men don't have much idea of what parenting or childbirth entails (they aren't usually co-opted to babysit, women don't discuss things like that in front of boys, they don't get periods, etc), and when you add on the fact that you don't have any relationship experience, it's hard to know what you actually want out of a relationship or the family aspect of life in general. Unless you are super sure, I'd prioritize just living life, having experiences and learning about yourself.

And yes, needless to say, don't get married yet. Marrying your first ever partner at 27 is generally not a great idea, plus it doesn't sound like you've even been dating for very long...?

To answer your question, though, yes it's possible that you might not find anyone else whom you connect with, but that shouldn't be the sole reason to stay with someone. I suspect you're not feeling it for her, based on your post.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you CAN love someone and still decide to leave them because of infertility. The decision depends on how much you can shift your expectation without feeling like the sacrifice isn't worth it. Same thing can have with a number partner traits, such as religion, economic differences and on and on. 

I'm not saying a breakup HAS to happen in those circumstances. I learned that an ex couldn't have children about two weeks into the relationship. I knew I liked this woman enough that  her inability to have children wasn't going to lead me to want to dump her. But that's me--and having kids was NEVER a central goal of mine. I was always open to adoption. 

You need to make a ruthless calculation: do I still think this woman is someone I strongly want in my life--despite quality x or quality y? The answer needs to be a strong strong yes!

If you can't answer yes, then stop wasting her time and get out. Leaving can be an honorable decision. We deserve partners who really want to be with us!