What's Going on?

[WestBham]

I started talking to a woman from a new friend group about 3 months ago, and from the beginning, we just texted back and forth everyday and hung out in our group. Not all day texting but a few very long, deep texts a day on all sorts of topics. Deep topics, funny topics, etc. She has severe Complex PTSD and attachment issues but is working hard to be healthy and seemingly doing a good job.

She started inviting me to do things and we spent time alone, just the two of us. We went on what I thought was a date; just the two of us, 10 hours together, had a great time but she didn't reciprocate physical affection the few times I initiated. Afterwards, she invited me to do something but never followed through. She flaked when I initiated plans. When I'm with her, the eye contact between the two of us, inadvertent physical touches, etc make it pretty obvious that she is into me. So I started to be very confused; the eyes don't lie. But she was flaking on plans. Throughout, we still texted everyday.

I finally asked her why she was flaking on plans and she said she felt there were "feelings in the air" and those feeling scared her, so she just avoided the situation. Since then, she has said she wants to continue to be friends. I obviously have to take her at her word. At the same time, the eyes don't lie and our mutual friends have pointed out how we interact several times.

I finally got tired of texting all the time but never hanging out with her 1 on 1. I created a boundary and told her I wanted to see her, not just have a virtual friendship or whatever is going on; she made plans, and subsequently flaked on them, saying she didn't want to lead me on.

I am trying to just move on. What continues to get me though, is that she is obviously into me. So what the f***? She's working on herself, is that it? She just wants attention? I'm a moron who is practicing wishful thinking?

Thanks

[MsJayne]

Complex PTSD is serious stuff, and in a relationship can be very difficult for a partner to deal with, so she may be protecting you from that. Has she talked to you about what caused her condition? 

[WestBham]

Yes. Her parents were quite neglectful and abusive, a previous boyfriend unexpectedly died, and she was kidnapped. She's been through more than anyone I've ever met.

[Gebidozo]

Whether it’s really wishful thinking on your part, or her mental problems currently preventing her from having a normal relationship, the bottom line is that is he isn’t with you and there is no indication that she will ever be.

IfI were you, I wouldn’t continue to think that she is into me. To me, “being into me” means “being with me”. If a woman has feelings for me, but for whatever reason still rebukes my advances, I don’t consider those feelings truly meaningful, or at least obviously not substantial enough for a relationship.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, WestBham said:

What continues to get me though, is that she is obviously into me.   So what the f***?

Your answer is below

7 hours ago, WestBham said:

She has severe Complex PTSD and attachment issues

She may well be into you, but she's also exactly what she described herself to be.   The fact she may vibe with you doesn't necessarily mean her issues will go away and she can have a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, WestBham said:

At the same time, the eyes don't lie

Well, it seems you misinterpreted the eyes. I don't know where you got this idea, but "the eyes" are not a reliable indicator of true interest, and especially not when we may be projecting our subjective desires onto them. Try not to attach so much relevance to that catchphrase. It's not always true. 

11 hours ago, WestBham said:

She just wants attention?

It seems so. And she obviously has a lot of underlying issues. It doesn't matter, really. All that matters is that she doesn't want to be more than your friend. I would suggest you take a lot of space away from her. 

[WestBham]

This is all good input. I’ve taken space but obviously need more. It’s difficult, I do really enjoy talking to her but talking a lot has kept me stuck on her, which is not helpful.

 

I’ll re-assert my boundary and keep doing so. I did a good job of making the initial boundary, just haven’t done a good job of asserting it. She kinda ignored it 

[Acacia98]

14 minutes ago, WestBham said:

I’ll re-assert my boundary and keep doing so. I did a good job of making the initial boundary, just haven’t done a good job of asserting it. She kinda ignored it 

Blocking works well. The person may be miffed about it for a bit, but they do get the message.

[WestBham]

ExpatInItaly, I  didn’t misread the attraction

[WestBham]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Blocking works well. The person may be miffed about it for a bit, but they do get the message.

I’m not gunna block her. She’s part of my friend group and is a very sweet, gentle person who I still want in my life. I just want in her in my life after I’ve become indifferent and am no longer bothered by the incongruence in her words and some of her actions

 

 

[flitzanu]

18 hours ago, WestBham said:

*flaking on plans and she said she felt there were "feelings in the air" and those feeling scared her, so she just avoided the situation.

*and subsequently flaked on them, saying she didn't want to lead me on.

 

these two things are the focus.

i think the first one was her deflecting, and likely trying to suggest she was noticing YOUR feelings in the air, and not hers, and that she wanted to avoid.

 

and then the 2nd one, "didn't want to lead you on" is very clear.

[ShyViolet]

18 hours ago, WestBham said:

I am trying to just move on. What continues to get me though, is that she is obviously into me.

Nah.  I think you are telling yourself what you want to believe.  You have tried repeatedly to make plans with her and she keeps flaking on the plans.  Her behavior is telling you loud and clear that she is not emotionally available and not responding to your advances.  Keeping on telling yourself that "the eyes don't lie" is getting you nowhere.  Just accept that she has turned you down and move on.

[WestBham]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Nah.  I think you are telling yourself what you want to believe.  You have tried repeatedly to make plans with her and she keeps flaking on the plans.  Her behavior is telling you loud and clear that she is not emotionally available and not responding to your advances.  Keeping on telling yourself that "the eyes don't lie" is getting you nowhere.  Just accept that she has turned you down and move on.

Ive done a poor job of moving on, which I am rectifying. 

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, WestBham said:

ExpatInItaly, I  didn’t misread the attraction

Her flaking on you all the time indicates otherwise, man. 

I'm sorry. I know it's hard to accept but this woman is not into you the way you think she is. 

 

 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, WestBham said:

I’m not gunna block her. She’s part of my friend group and is a very sweet, gentle person who I still want in my life. I just want in her in my life after I’ve become indifferent and am no longer bothered by the incongruence in her words and some of her actions

 

 

She may seem to be a sweet person, but you do suggest that you set boundaries and she ignores them. Sometimes, when that is the case and your emotional well-being is at stake, you have to take somewhat drastic measures (like blocking). You can then unblock the person down the road, when you're in a better place emotionally.

If you're determined not to block her, then you need to do figure out how to do an better job of asserting your boundaries. Do you have any ideas?

Edited December 13 by Acacia98

[WestBham]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

She may seem to be a sweet person, but you do suggest that you set boundaries and she ignores them. Sometimes, when that is the case and your emotional well-being is at stake, you have to take somewhat drastic measures (like blocking). You can then unblock the person down the road, when you're in a better place emotionally.

If you're determined not to block her, then you need to do figure out how to do a better job of asserting your boundaries. Do you have any ideas?

I politely but abruptly ended our conversation and told her we’d talk again in a little while. I already let her know I didn’t wanna text all the time because it began to feel like a virtual friendship

There’s never really a break in conversation; she always keeps it going. So I figure I’ll be friendly when I see her in group settings, text back and forth for a few days, then abruptly bow out for a while. She’ll get the idea given I have explicitly told her I’m not a fan of endlessly texting someone I don’t spend 1 on 1 time with

Edited December 13 by WestBham

[WestBham]

8 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

She may seem to be a sweet person, but you do suggest that you set boundaries and she ignores them. Sometimes, when that is the case and your emotional well-being is at stake, you have to take somewhat drastic measures (like blocking). You can then unblock the person down the road, when you're in a better place emotionally.

If you're determined not to block her, then you need to do figure out how to do an better job of asserting your boundaries. Do you have any ideas?

I feel very “held at arms length” texting all the time but not having spent 1 on 1 time in a while. I have no interest in investing time and energy into someone that doesn’t want to spend time with me.

Feels like a neurotic  acquaintanceship and not friendship 

 

 

 

[EasternSky]

I went on a couple dates with this woman and then got led on for a bit. We were talking everyday, planned to do more, and she started to be too busy to actually see me. I was confused, because we were taking everyday and getting along well. I asked her about it, and she said she just didn’t know how to tell me that she wasn’t interested romantically. I wasn’t thrilled about her lack of communication but we agreed that we wanted to be friends, as there was a connection.
 

Fast forward, and we talk everyday but I never see her. When I said I wanted to be friends, I meant that I wanted to be friends in real life, not “on screen friends”. I talked to her about it, we made plans, and she flaked.
 

So I told her that I like talking to her but don’t want to be a “cyber friend”. Am I being an a**h***? It just feels bad wanting to actually be friends with someone who isn’t interested in actually seeing me.

Several months of everyday talking but no in person face time just ain’t cool with me.

[Gebidozo]

You aren’t being an a**h*** if you simply told her politely that you don’t just want to be “cyber friends”. If she told you that “cyber friends” is as far as it goes, you’ll have to accept that and not insist further.

It was to be expected. People normally don’t want to be friends when there is such ambiguity in the air. She knows that you considered a romantic connection, so it’s natural that she doesn’t want too close a friendship now, it would probably be awkward for her.

[EasternSky]

Yeah, I can see how she naturally wants to keep a bit of distance. However, talking everyday is kind of orthogonal to that. She’s also told me how I’m a great friend, doesn’t ever want to lose my friendship, s*** like that
 

So it feels fake considering she doesn’t even wanna see me

Edited December 16 by EasternSky

[Gebidozo]

It’s probably “fake” in the sense that it’s exaggerated, and she is probably doing it mainly to please you. Many women feel guilty for not reciprocating romantic feelings. Women often dislike confrontation and are more likely to offer a compromise than men. Don’t see this as something “fake”, just see it for what it is, a different way to deal with the situation.

[basil67]

You're not unreasonable to want a real life friendship where you see each other.   But it's unreasonable to want it from someone who's actions are showing that it's not what they want.  And Gebidozo is correct about women and confrontation.  We're socialised from a young age to get along with everyone and not make waves. Of course, some women will make waves whenever necessary, but it's really not that common.....so this is why it's important to take someone's actions into consideration when judging a situation.  

I would also caution you that you future girlfriends or her future boyfriends will probably not be OK with the two of you having a very close friendship, so the whole thing might come to a close anyway

My advice would be to just drift away without making a fuss

Edited December 16 by basil67

[Lisa]

@WestBham and @EasternSky are the same member