I Think Our Post Relationship Friendship is Cooked.

[WonderKid]

To start off I am autistic. But people would never know unless I told them. I also have a foot fetish. I am very well known in the foot fetish world. I ended up dating a foot fetish model. I am in TX and she is in CA. We connected through conversation. The connection was so organic and raw. I've never felt a connection that strong before--let alone a long distance one. We eventually fell in love. I definitely felt that from her no doubt. She's a very sweet and kind person. A yoga teacher also. 

We did meet each other and the magic was there. Everything was right. Fast forward months later and she gave me a two week's notice on breaking up and I never knew it. At first she had all type of cop-outs on why she wanted to end it, but ultimately I just think she was scared. She claimed that she was afraid she wouldn't be able to give 100% in the relationship and it isn't fair to me. Me being confused; I'm telling her that it shouldn't be that bad--we can get you back to the 100%. But she was adamant on breaking up because she just didnt feel right for a relationship right then. At that point I had to comply with her wishes because at that point I'd be the only one fighting for that relationship. So I let it go. We broke up over FaceTime at that. I was crushed. This was legit the first time I ever, truly been in love. And because of that I probably missed some signs. When she was voicing her concerns, I told her those were things that could've been solved in one talk. Why are we using a breakup to speak on it now?

She told me she expected me to never talk to her again. That was very possible but...I do love her. So I stuck it out on forming a friendship with her. It was rocky at first but we got to common ground. I have somewhat an issue of being discarded in life. I felt like I was discarded even though we are friends. I feel like when I give people the best of me they end up leaving the moment something isn't to their liking instead of communicating with me, In the process, she told me how I'm the best man she's ever met and the first person that reciprocated the love that she gave. Basically that I was perfect. But....you left. All those qualities you named but you left. I felt like I wasn't fought for.

A little over a year goes by and we are solid friends. We don't communicate much as we used to but the vibe is still there. Fast forward to last Weds I believe. She told me she's coming to my city on Friday. It was for a friend's birthday.This was sudden but I was geeked about it. I told her if she needed a right from the airport I could do it. She agreed. But then she said that she could give me a "footjob session" in return for doing it. With my foot fetish, footjobs is my favorite thing to receive. My judgment was clouded with my heart and of course my dick. I complied. She was happy to do it for me and I was excited. 

Her flight had troubles and she didn't end up coming to my town until almost 11pm. Before then she informed me that she probably would be too tired to do the session. I didn't trip I was still just happy to see her. I picked her up and we ate at Denny's. Her hotel wasn't far from the airport at all. She informed me that she'd be leaving at 6pm on Sun. So at this point, my doubts on whether I'd get to experience her feet were increased. But I kept optimism. I text her to ask about a follow up if we would do it. She told me she'd let me know on Sun after the brunch--she didn't know what they'd be doing after the brunch. 

Sunday came and I heard nothing from her. And 6pm passed. I went from worried to somewhat disappointed because would she really just leave and not say goodbye or anything? I was confused. But also around this time my brain started to steer the ship. There were so much communication missed. She text me back once she got home. I texted my disappointment not in a hostile way; more like a "wth happened with you?" type way. Her day was just super busy and she also ended up getting a bit drunk and had to rush to the airport also. Knowing her, I believe her. And it was all good for me because that could happen to anybody.

Here's where the conflict came. It came when I mentioned the footjob. And I guess how I worded it, made it seem to her that I was mad that I didn't get access to her feet. That wasn't the case. I was telling her first: I am not a "session". I just thought that was a weird word to use. And, if she gives a footjob and wants me to do something physical for her, I'd be open. But the boundary I said was I'm not going to be the one to say "let's get back together". 

She understood where I was coming from but it seemed like she was still stuck on her perspective that I was upset about the feet. I told her (in a voice note on Telegram we used) that I wasn't upset but only bummed out. Why wouldn't I be? Here I am about to get feet from a woman I admire and it didn't fall through. I told her that's like me telling you I'll give you a body massage (knowing how painful her body can get) and I never fell through with it. She'd be bummed out too. I also told her we are not normal people to each other. Her giving me a footjob will hit different. Just like me worshiping her feet or even rubbing them can hit different for her. I told her, yes we have to have these open conversations because we never discussed the matter of ever meeting up. This was like a crash course in it. I also said, just keep it simple. Aye, I'm coming to your city would you like to hangout? 

She said she felt obligated to give me a footjob for the ride. And technically she didn't even need the ride. I told her just be straight up with me. I don't need your feet for me to hang with you or do anything with you. I gave her that ride simply because we are friends and I was just helping. I guess the way I explained things cornered her. She now gone a day without saying  anything and since I know her very well, she's processing something and she also could be overwhelmed. 

My gripe with her is she has a habit of just saying things because they sound good at the time. But when she can't deliver then it's time to run. Like she said she hates TX but she'd move to my city for a guy like me. But then we broke up. So why say stuff like that? I don't think she's mad. I think she feels called out. Which she should. Why even mention anything physical without understanding behind it? This was all so unnecessary to me. I hold myself accountable in not asking questions when she mentioned the footjob. 

I can theory-craft all day long. But I feel like it's cooked. We'll never be the same. Because imo, this is an easy thing to figure out: Okay, maybe we shouldn't do any physical stuff at all and continue the friendship. Or, yes I would like us to be physical as we communicate with each other. Either there's some feelings there or she wants to have both. What I mean by both is, if she takes the feet away, I'm not going to goon over them, The passion isn't there. So when we're on social media I won't be doing that on the TL. And that'll bother her a bit. But idc honestly because you can't have both. I opened the space for her to determine what friendship dynamic is she looking for. She doesn't know what she wants.

She's 28. She talks of wanting marriage and kids but my thing is you literally left a guy that was a great candidate for those things. And she wants to try and live by herself again. So it's like, where does a guy even fit into this? I'm getting kind of over it on being the open-aware one out of us. Mind you, she's the ONLY ex I ever done this with. The rest I have never gone back to, slept with, or even talked to really. So this is very new for me. 

We went from being lovers, to being friends....and now if this gets awkward what is next? Acquaintances? But as I type this, I am thinking where I went hard at. When I told her I'm open to being physical but I won't voice getting back together. I feel like that statement was significant. But I say that because SHE broke it off not me. And I don't have it in me to ask someone who broke up with me to get back together again. For those who do, that is an admiration.

Thanks for reading this. I know it's unique in it's ways. But it's legit.

Edited December 12, 2024 by WonderKid

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this is no longer a healthy friendship, and that it would be best to put her behind you in every way. 

[BreakOnThrough]

She's on to the next, if you just want to be strung along and possibly taken advantage of, which will just lead to more confusion, continue on.  You REALLY want to know how she feels, create as much distance as possible, her response will speak volumes.

[WonderKid]

19 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

She's on to the next, if you just want to be strung along and possibly taken advantage of, which will just lead to more confusion, continue on.  You REALLY want to know how she feels, create as much distance as possible, her response will speak volumes.

I'm very positive there's no one else. I don't think that's the case. We've been broken up for almost 2yrs. She was never the type to get around like I did. In her mind, because of how her parents live, she thinks she's designed to be by herself. Weird perception for herself but I'm not one to judge. 

I haven't hit her up since. And I'm thinking the distance is already speaking. That's why I made this vent. 

[WonderKid]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think this is no longer a healthy friendship, and that it would be best to put her behind you in every way. 

As unpleasant as this sounds to me, you may be very right. I just don't think things will be the same. Only reason we haven't cut each other off is because we hold each other dear to ourselves.

Me personally I think we just should never do anything physical and just remain the friends we were before.

[basil67]

It stopped being a friendship the moment she offered (and you accepted) sexual favours in return for a ride.  At this point, it turned into a transactional relationship.   

Also EVERYBODY has the right to change their mind on sexual contact.  Friends, partners and sex workers all have the right to change their mind.  It forms the very basis of consent.   While it is disappointing, you simply don't have the right to be mad at her or call her out for changing her mind.

[Els]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It stopped being a friendship the moment she offered (and you accepted) sexual favours in return for a ride.  At this point, it turned into a transactional relationship.   

Also EVERYBODY has the right to change their mind on sexual contact.  Friends, partners and sex workers all have the right to change their mind.  It forms the very basis of consent.   While it is disappointing, you simply don't have the right to be mad at her or call her out for changing her mind.

This. I mean, you firstly accepted transactional sex, and then GOT UPSET that you didn't get the promised transactional sex. You two are not friends.

[WonderKid]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

It stopped being a friendship the moment she offered (and you accepted) sexual favours in return for a ride.  At this point, it turned into a transactional relationship.   

Also EVERYBODY has the right to change their mind on sexual contact.  Friends, partners and sex workers all have the right to change their mind.  It forms the very basis of consent.   While it is disappointing, you simply don't have the right to be mad at her or call her out for changing her mind.

I never acted as if I had the right to her body. And I was only bummed out. She said a long time ago, after we were broke up, that she'd still give me a FJ. This is when it was actually close to happening. I wasn't even thinking of anything sexual when she offered it to me. I was just happy to see her.

Even if she changed her mind, I wouldn't have cared because that's her right. I was only trying to inform that potential feelings could be there. That is all. 

 

[WonderKid]

3 hours ago, Els said:

This. I mean, you firstly accepted transactional sex, and then GOT UPSET that you didn't get the promised transactional sex. You two are not friends.

I never acted as if I have the right to her for sex. I should've asked questions the moment she offered it. But my judgment was clouded which I admitted. 

I was not pressed about not getting the footjob I was bummed out. I was upset that she didn't communicate anything before leaving. I was worried that what happened in CA, happened in TX with her flight. Once she explained to me what happened I was fine.

Then she said it seemed like I was upset. When I assured her that wasn't the case. I literally told her we never have to do anything sexual. Our sex never started out transactional so I wouldn't want that type of sexual dynamic. But she never elaborated on what I said. She just avoided it. So I didn't press about it I just left it alone. 

I talked to a woman friend in the same field as both of us and she said that my ex knew what she was doing. Why would she offer something like that in the first place.

But I'm giving her grace on that. Who really knows. I just told her that I never want her to feel obligated to do things for me. Just do them if you truly want to. Like before.

[basil67]

Yeah, it seems like you were upset.  Especially the part where you're saying 'what if I promised a massage and changed my mind? Wouldn't you feel bummed too? ' (paraphrased)

[WonderKid]

45 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, it seems like you were upset.  Especially the part where you're saying 'what if I promised a massage and changed my mind? Wouldn't you feel bummed too? ' (paraphrased)

That was just me using an example in the same context. And she didn't change her mind. She just couldn't do it. Which is cimpletely fine. And when I said my example I didn't say "changed my mind" either.

I didn't cuss her out or anything. I just moved on from it.

 

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, WonderKid said:

That was just me using an example in the same context. And she didn't change her mind. She just couldn't do it. Which is cimpletely fine. And when I said my example I didn't say "changed my mind" either.

I didn't cuss her out or anything. I just moved on from it.

 

Yes I know she didn't change her mind.  But what was the point of your comparison?  You wouldn't say this unless you were looking for some kind of particular outcome

Edited December 13, 2024 by basil67

[WonderKid]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Yes I know she didn't change her mind.  But what was the point of your comparison?  You wouldn't say this unless you were looking for some kind of particular outcome

I was just giving an example. Simple as that. I mean for goodness sake; she met up with another guy here to do fetish work with. I'm the one who recommended her to him and it was his first time seeing her. If I were really pressed, I could've been heated at that right there. And I was glad he finally got to meet her. 

Now I don't know what you're trying to imply about me. But it's getting a little off with us here. So I'm just asking to please chill with that or we can just call it here. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, WonderKid said:

I was just giving an example. Simple as that. I mean for goodness sake; she met up with another guy here to do fetish work with. I'm the one who recommended her to him and it was his first time seeing her. If I were really pressed, I could've been heated at that right there. And I was glad he finally got to meet her. 

Now I don't know what you're trying to imply about me. But it's getting a little off with us here. So I'm just asking to please chill with that or we can just call it here. 

Why did you need to give an example of how you felt?

Re the bolded, it sounds as though she's a sex worker and you introduced her to a new client.  Just as well you didn't get heated because you don't have the right to do that anyway. 

Anyway, I'm not trying to imply anything about you.   It's just that it's not cool to be expressing your disappointment with someone if they've changed their mind on a sexual activity.    It's best to keep your thoughts to yourself and quietly reassess what's going on and if they are a good fit for your life.

But anyway,  now that she's an ex friend, does any of this really matter anyway?  

Edited December 13, 2024 by basil67

[WonderKid]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why did you need to give an example of how you felt?

Re the bolded, it sounds as though she's a sex worker and you introduced her to a new client.  Just as well you didn't get heated because you don't have the right to do that anyway. 

Anyway, I'm not trying to imply anything about you.   It's just that it's not cool to be expressing your disappointment with someone if they've changed their mind on a sexual activity.    It's best to keep your thoughts to yourself and quietly reassess what's going on and if they are a good fit for your life.

But anyway,  now that she's an ex friend, does any of this really matter anyway?  

And again, she didn't change her mind. If she changed her mind and voiced it to me I'd agree with her. And I didn't introduce a new client to her. I suggested her to him. He made up his own mind to meet her.

So again. She did not change her mind. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, WonderKid said:

And again, she didn't change her mind. If she changed her mind and voiced it to me I'd agree with her. And I didn't introduce a new client to her. I suggested her to him. He made up his own mind to meet her.

So again. She did not change her mind. 

I understood that she promised the act to you in return for you picking her up.  Then she decided not to do it.   Is this not what happened?  

Regarding the new client, is he actually of any relevance to the story? 

[WonderKid]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I understood that she promised the act to you in return for you picking her up.  Then she decided not to do it.   Is this not what happened?  

Regarding the new client, is he actually of any relevance to the story?

She decided before she got here because that day she'd be too tired. I was fine with that. I'm glad that was communicated. I asked her if we'd meet up again and she said she'll let me know after the brunch. She didn't say anything. And from what she explained, realistically she had no time to do it. So I was over that. I was upset about her leaving and not saying goodbye. Not about the act that we didn't get into. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't hold you dear the way you do her, OP. 

If she did, she would have at least had the consideration to tell you that she was going to leave town without seeing you again.Intead, she avoided you. You need to understand what that means: she doesn't really care about you as a person. 

This is not someone you need in your life, in any capacity. 

[Els]

15 hours ago, WonderKid said:

But I'm giving her grace on that. Who really knows. I just told her that I never want her to feel obligated to do things for me. Just do them if you truly want to. Like before.

Okay, I'm going to be super honest with you here. You two are long distance and have been "dating" for less than a year. You've met up... once? Twice? And then she "broke up" with you. And you met on a foot fetish site, which is something that you are "famous" for (as in, well known??), and which is something that she typically gets paid to do. You two seem very comfortable with offering "favours" in exchange for sex, even though it's not explicitly your intention (although, considering it apparently wasn't your intention, you sure did follow up on it, multiple times in fact). Should we connect the dots further?

I'm not biased, by the way. I'm very familiar with online kink communities. Yes, people do meet real partners in online kink communities... BUT (and this is a very big "but") those people usually aren't engaging with the scene as paid professionals. There has been many a man (and quite a few women) in the community who thought that a pro-Domme was in love with them, and 99.9999% of the time it's not true. Pro-Dommes do fall in love, but not with people in the online communities in which they engage professionally. It's probably the same for footjob fetishists and sex workers who provide that service.

I'm sure you'll say I'm wrong, and that's fine. Maybe I am. But just have a think about it. I don't think she ever "truly wanted to do" anything sexual with you. I think she was just hoping for publicity. It's work.

Edited December 13, 2024 by Els

[WonderKid]

12 minutes ago, Els said:

Okay, I'm going to be super honest with you here. You two are long distance and have been "dating" for less than a year. You've met up... once? Twice? And then she "broke up" with you. And you met on a foot fetish site, which is something that you are "famous" for (as in, well known??), and which is something that she typically gets paid to do. You two seem very comfortable with offering "favours" in exchange for sex, even though it's not explicitly your intention (although, considering it apparently wasn't your intention, you sure did follow up on it, multiple times in fact). Should we connect the dots further?

I'm not biased, by the way. I'm very familiar with online kink communities. Yes, people do meet real partners in online kink communities... BUT (and this is a very big "but") those people usually aren't engaging with the scene as paid professionals. There has been many a man (and quite a few women) in the community who thought that a pro-Domme was in love with them, and 99.9999% of the time it's not true. Pro-Dommes do fall in love, but not with people in the online communities in which they engage professionally. It's probably the same for footjob fetishists and sex workers who provide that service.

I'm sure you'll say I'm wrong, and that's fine. Maybe I am. But just have a think about it. I don't think she ever "truly wanted to do" anything sexual with you. I think she was just hoping for publicity. It's work.

We never did any kind of session. When we first met up, it was as a couple. When we broke up, I never ask for anything sexual. That was rarely discussed. We had other things going on in life we tried to figure out.

I only followed up, once, on us meeting. Once she said she will let me know, I never asked again. She always tells me to communicate with her so I make sure I do. Fetish work is her job but that doesn't mean I have to be a client. Just like if she needed help with management I wouldn't charge her or anything. I do it because I want to and she's my friend. 

And that's what I kept explaining. If you don't want to truly do anything sexual then don't offer it. She knows I'm not that kind of person. 

Edited December 13, 2024 by WonderKid

[WonderKid]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She doesn't hold you dear the way you do her, OP. 

If she did, she would have at least had the consideration to tell you that she was going to leave town without seeing you again.Intead, she avoided you. You need to understand what that means: she doesn't really care about you as a person. 

This is not someone you need in your life, in any capacity. 

I think she's avoiding me now which is a message to me that nothing else has to be explained at the point. 

But yeah I'm making sure I'm not extending myself any longer. I'll just give her the space she need and I'll never bring it up. If she brings it up I'll just tell her skip it. We can be friends just not on that level. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, WonderKid said:

And that's what I kept explaining. If you don't want to truly do anything sexual then don't offer it. She knows I'm not that kind of person. 

And we're back here again despite you saying that it wasn't the issue.  She would have meant it when she offered it, but changed her mind.  Yes, it's disappointing, but it's OK to change your mind!  

Seriously though, if this isn't the issue, why do you keep raising it? 

[WonderKid]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And we're back here again despite you saying that it wasn't the issue.  She would have meant it when she offered it, but changed her mind.  Yes, it's disappointing, but it's OK to change your mind!  

Seriously though, if this isn't the issue, why do you keep raising it? 

If they allowed blocking I would block you. But I'll just ignore you instead. Have a good one. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, WonderKid said:

And that's what I kept explaining. If you don't want to truly do anything sexual then don't offer it. She knows I'm not that kind of person. 

To me there's a more fundamental lesson here:

• If you were genuinely in love with someone and she breaks up with you, don't agree to do anything sexual with her down the road when she offers it.

I don't know why she made the offer she did, but I don't think she was thinking about what was best for you emotionally when she did it. You need to do a better job of looking out for yourself and what's right for you. Don't just go along with what the other person suggests. Staying friends with someone you love(d) is tricky. You need to have much stronger boundaries and a realistic understanding of how getting sexually involved can hurt you.

[WonderKid]

4 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

To me there's a more fundamental lesson here:

• If you were genuinely in love with someone and she breaks up with you, don't agree to do anything sexual with her down the road when she offers it.

I don't know why she made the offer she did, but I don't think she was thinking about what was best for you emotionally when she did it. You need to do a better job of looking out for yourself and what's right for you. Don't just go along with what the other person suggests. Staying friends with someone you love(d) is tricky. You need to have much stronger boundaries and a realistic understanding of how getting sexually involved can hurt you.

You are right. I just figured that out so late. The moment she offered i should've checked it right there but didn't. Between us, usually I'm the one that set and keep the boundaries. But this is very foreign territory for me. I never done any of this with an ex before. But I also wasn't in love with them like that.

Definitely a lesson learned.