AP's spouse Just Discovered Affair

[KentuckyEsq]

I'm a SM and been in a 1+ yr affair with a MW. We've both said we're in love and will marry "someday." She and I have both called the other "my future wife/husband." We connect on a "mind, soul and body" level unlike anything I've experienced. *I'm divorced over 20 yrs and had another broken engagement about 12 yrs. ago.* Anyway, all seemingly perfect until 2 days ago. I had gotten a loving good morning text at 6:00 am and by 7:30 received a text saying he had discovered us and she had confessed. They had a family vacation planned the next day and went ahead. She has been contacting me periodically by email as opposed to text (I have a feeling he told her to block my number on text). He emails although somewhat shorter in length proclaim that she still loves me, is in love with me and still refers to me as her future husband. What can be read into this? Selfishly, I hope he divorces her because I don't think she'll voluntarily leave her comfortable lifestyle and the damage to her reputation in her small town. What will likely happen from here? Am I likely to be confronted by him? Do I tell him the whole truth? Any thoughts are appreciated.

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

He emails although somewhat shorter in length proclaim that she still loves me, is in love with me and still refers to me as her future husband. What can be read into this? Selfishly, I hope he divorces her because I don't think she'll voluntarily leave her comfortable lifestyle and the damage to her reputation in her small town.

Read this again and pay attention to the contradiction here.

If she has been discovered, this is her make or break moment. If ever she is going to leave her marriage, this is the time.

The fact that she has stopped texting you because she has likely been told to end all communication and she has gone on a family vacation with her spouse is a clear signal that she has chosen her marriage. 

I’m sorry to say, she has made her decision - and it is not you.

For that reason, I would have absolutely no patience for a woman who tells me that she loves me and calls me her future husband - when she has chosen to stay in her marriage.

I would suggest that you quit hoping that her husband will divorce her and make a decision for yourself - to end this affair. What a waste of time and energy… dreaming about a future with a woman who you yourself say, is unlikely to ever make the decision to leave the comforts of her marriage. 

I’m sorry to be blunt, but you need to deal in reality here. The fantasy that you have created with this woman is exactly that - pure fantasy. 

The other question I would suggest that you ask yourself - do you really want to be with a woman who could betray her partner in this way? I mean - if you were to switch spots with her husband, how could you ever trust that she would not betray you in the same way that she has betrayed her husband? She is lying to both of you - she’s lying to him by continuing to contact you after discovery… and she is misleading and lying to you about the fact that she has chosen to stay in her marriage. 

 

Edited December 12, 2024 by BaileyB

[KentuckyEsq]

Thank you for your response. But she didn't end all communication. 

[flitzanu]

the most likely scenario is that she lied.

she was going on vacation and knew that she couldn't just text you if she's with him, and email is likely more discreet, so, now she's emailing while she's on vacation having sex with her husband.

when she gets back from vacation i'd predict the texting will start back up again.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Thank you for your response. But she didn't end all communication. 

That’s exactly the problem…

She has been discovered/confessed. She has likely stopped texting because she has been asked to block you - something any spouse would expect following discovery of an extramarital affair. But - she is still emailing you and calling you her future husband. 

What she is doing is disrespectful to her husband, given the fact that she confessed and he likely expects that she will end all communication with her affair partner.

It’s also disrespectful to you, given the fact that she has chosen to stay in her marriage - at least for the time being. She is giving you false hope, which you seem more than willing to grasp onto…

This was her moment to declare her love for you, to end her marriage and chose to be with you… the fact that she didn’t do that should really give you pause…

 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

the most likely scenario is that she lied.

she was going on vacation and knew that she couldn't just text you if she's with him, and email is likely more discreet, so, now she's emailing while she's on vacation having sex with her husband.

when she gets back from vacation i'd predict the texting will start back up again.

Also possible. But again OP, you need to ask yourself what this says about the future of your relationship with the woman… 

If this is true, what is her priority…

[KentuckyEsq]

29 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

the most likely scenario is that she lied.

she was going on vacation and knew that she couldn't just text you if she's with him, and email is likely more discreet, so, now she's emailing while she's on vacation having sex with her husband.

when she gets back from vacation i'd predict the texting will start back up again.

Well they may not be having sex since the kids are there and they're all in the same room.  But I digress. Question is, if he told her to cut off communication and she wants to stay then why is she not doing so? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, KentuckyEsq said:

. We've both said we're in love and will marry "someday." She and I have both called the other "my future wife/husband."

This is a fantasy, and one that you both got carried away with it. 

1 hour ago, KentuckyEsq said:

He emails although somewhat shorter in length proclaim that she still loves me, is in love with me and still refers to me as her future husband.

As the kids would say, this is cringe. It sounds like a teen playing make-believe. 

1 hour ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Am I likely to be confronted by him?

I would prepare for that, yes. 

1 hour ago, KentuckyEsq said:

What will likely happen from here?

Probably not much. She doesn't want to leave the marriage. She chose her husband or she would have taken the opportunity to ask for a divorce. 

2 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Selfishly, I hope he divorces her

Boy, are you ever in for a cold dose of reality if that happens. I am sure you are thinking this would mean you two could finally be together, but the chances of you and her actually making this work in real-life and just about nil.

[KentuckyEsq]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s exactly the problem…

She has been discovered/confessed. She has likely stopped texting because she has been asked to block you - something any spouse would expect following discovery of an extramarital affair. But - she is still emailing you and calling you her future husband. 

What she is doing is disrespectful to her husband, given the fact that she confessed and he likely expects that she will end all communication with her affair partner.

It’s also disrespectful to you, given the fact that she has chosen to stay in her marriage - at least for the time being. She is giving you false hope, which you seem more than willing to grasp onto…

This was her moment to declare her love for you, to end her marriage and chose to be with you… the fact that she didn’t do that should really give you pause…

 

If she was asked to block me and cut off communication, why wouldn't she do just that if she was serious about remaining in her current situation? Honestly, I care less about the physical aspect (the affair has been 90% emotional 10% physical) due mainly to distance. I just don't want to lose her completely from my life. 

[KentuckyEsq]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a fantasy, and one that you both got carried away with it. 

As the kids would say, this is cringe. It sounds like a teen playing make-believe. 

I would prepare for that, yes. 

Probably not much. She doesn't want to leave the marriage. She chose her husband or she would have taken the opportunity to ask for a divorce. 

Boy, are you ever in for a cold dose of reality if that happens. I am sure you are thinking this would mean you two could finally be together, but the chances of you and her actually making this work in real-life and just about nil.

Why is it almost nil? As far as her not seeking divorce, it has been 2 days and they agreed to deal with it after the already scheduled trip the day after. She DID say "I think he'll divorce me" but did not say "I am going to divorce him"

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

If she was asked to block me and cut off communication, why wouldn't she do just that if she was serious about remaining in her current situation?

You need to understand something about affairs: very often, they help the cheating partner stay in the marriage. Why? Because they get the best of both worlds (so to speak): a comfortable and secure life with the spouse, and a dose of excitement on tap to keep the daily doldrums more tolerable. It's very, very common. 

So if she can get away with keeping her dopamine supply open (ie. emailing with you), she will do it. It doesn't mean she just loves you so much she can't handle cutting you off. It means she wants to stay married and be able to still get her jollies. 

She's a textbook cheater, really. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Why is it almost nil?

Because affairs more often than not don't survive when they actually become real relationships. 

The excitement wears off when the other person is available all the time. The thrill is gone. What once thrived in the shadows usually withers up and dies in the light of day. You two in particular are deep in Fantasy Land what with all this pretend-husband/wife talk.  Reality would be an especially hard pill to swallow.  You have both gotten compeltely carried away and haven't been realistic about this. That is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship. 

And also, the most obvious reason you two would not work out? You know what kind of character she has. She lies. She deceives. She is self-serving. You really think that would all vanish and you would be unaffected by her deep flaws? Sure, those flaws serve you well now but wait until you have to deal with that full-time as her partner. You would be naive to believe she wouldn't someday do the same thing to you. 

Also, she is making it obvious she doesn't really want to leave her husband. If he divorced her, you would be merely the default back-up, but not what she really wants. I can almost promise you she would not stick around long. 

 

[basil67]

If she was serious about making you her future husband, she would have already put steps in place to end the marriage. 

A dear friend of mine was in a bad marriage and met another man.  They started an affair and within about eight weeks, she'd taken the children and left the marriage to be with him.  That was over 20 years ago and they are still together now.   The whole family likes her new husband much more than her ex.  This is what it looks like when a person is willing to leave their marriage

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said:

If she was asked to block me and cut off communication, why wouldn't she do just that if she was serious about remaining in her current situation?

Because she likes to have her cake and eat it too, as they say. 

She wants you both - if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have made the decision to stay in her marriage and have an extramarital affair. She has exactly what she wants… and she is trying to keep you on the line in much the same way that she has strung you along this whole time…
 

[Gebidozo]

OP, you need to understand something about affairs. Married people engage in only two kinds of them:

1) Prematurely timed beginnings of new relationships

2) Selfish, loveless endeavors where both the spouse and the lover are used

The first type of affair might end happily for the spouse, who leaves their marriage as soon as possible, and for their new love.

Unfortunately, your affair is of the second kind. That woman has been stringing you along for more than a whole year, seducing you with childish promises, playing an immature, cringeworthy, sentimental fantasy game with you, all the while comfortably continuing to share her bed, house, and life with her husband.

You decided to let go of your self respect and continued to participate in her farce. And now, a year later, the moment of truth, which should have been initiated by her long ago had she truly loved you, has arrived inadvertently. This is the very last, belated chance for her to prove that she loves you after all, grab her things, leave her husband instantly, and start a new relationship with you. Instead, she goes on a family vacation (!) with her husband.

You are hoping that he will leave her. And then what? Do you realize that if that happens, you’ll be literally stuck together with a woman who didn’t choose you? A woman who has settled for her backup simply because the main guy is no longer unattainable? A woman who has been lying and manipulating for a year and even then didn’t show the slightest indication of stopping that behavior?

OP, please trust what all the participants of this thread are telling you. Run away from her and find a woman who loves you and wants to be with you.

[flitzanu]

On 12/12/2024 at 1:49 PM, KentuckyEsq said:

Well they may not be having sex since the kids are there and they're all in the same room.  But I digress. Question is, if he told her to cut off communication and she wants to stay then why is she not doing so? 

 

i know others have followed up with answers on this, that this is about thrill.

and also, you only know what she is telling you.  you still don't know if this is even true that she was "caught" and...as i said i'd be curious to see if the texts start back up again after vacation.

[KentuckyEsq]

On 12/16/2024 at 1:16 PM, flitzanu said:

i know others have followed up with answers on this, that this is about thrill.

and also, you only know what she is telling you.  you still don't know if this is even true that she was "caught" and...as i said i'd be curious to see if the texts start back up again after vacation.

They started back up after the vacation but they were short and not at all full of the love talk that they were before. Now she has gone cold for the last 24 hrs. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I do hpoe you're not acutally banking on marrying this woman someday. 

Let this be your reality check that it was mostly a fantasy. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Relegated to email, just let that sink in.

[BaileyB]

It’s the old adage, when there is a discrepancy between someone’s words and actions - believe their actions. 

Words are easy and dreams are free. 

Edited December 18, 2024 by BaileyB

[KentuckyEsq]

In her "goodbye" email last Thursday (I haven't heard from her since) she indicated that her H asked her to not have anymore contact with me. He also asked if we had had any communication since DDay. She told him only one time when I emailed her to check to see if she was "ok." This was a total lie as she had begun emailing me within hours of discovery and emailed me during her entire vacation. Also, as they were driving back from the airport late last Sunday night ( I suppose he was busy driving and she was in the back seat) she emailed me stating that there was a detour and their new route would take her right by my house. Who does that s*** while 3 feet away from their spouse? Then she had the nerve to tell him there had been no contact other than me contacting her to see if she was ok. I was thrown under the bus and I am of a mind to contact H (I have his number) and fill him in on EVERYTHING. I have the receipts---thousands and thousands of emails/texts and hundreds of photos. Or should I just let it be, not hurt him anymore than he is and let her portray herself as the victim? I truly think if he knew the whole truth he'd kick her to the curb. Is this a bad plan of action, to tell him everything? 

[stillafool]

She certainly has no problem lying to her husband's face.  Is that the type of woman you want?  If she's lying to him, she's probably lying to you too.  Do yourself a favor and find out the truth.  How?  Ask her this:  "Since we have both acknowledged that we are in love with each other and want to be together, this is our chance.  Tell him you want a divorce and get your things and move in with me."  If she was telling you the truth she would jump at the chance, otherwise she's just playing with you and I wouldn't be surprised if you are not her first affair.

[KentuckyEsq]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She certainly has no problem lying to her husband's face.  Is that the type of woman you want?  If she's lying to him, she's probably lying to you too.  Do yourself a favor and find out the truth.  How?  Ask her this:  "Since we have both acknowledged that we are in love with each other and want to be together, this is our chance.  Tell him you want a divorce and get your things and move in with me."  If she was telling you the truth she would jump at the chance, otherwise she's just playing with you and I wouldn't be surprised if you are not her first affair.

Yes I am starting to think she's a serial cheater. I have not contacted her and I know the answer. I'm just at the point of wanting her to suffer like I am. 

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said:

she emailed me stating that there was a detour and their new route would take her right by my house. Who does that s*** while 3 feet away from their spouse?

The same woman who has sex with another man and calls him her “future husband.” 

Her dishonesty was not a problem when it served you… but now that you are on the receiving end, it’s “who does that s****?”
 

13 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said:

I was thrown under the bus and I am of a mind to contact H (I have his number) and fill him in on EVERYTHING.

He may kick her out, that is one possible option. He may turn on you and show up on your door looking to set you straight. You need to be prepared for that.

I understand your anger, I do. You can throw her under the bus and let the chips fall where they may… that’s your decision. But at the end of the day, it’s not about her - it’s about you. You need to understand what decisions brought you to this situation and why you chose to trust someone who was so obviously untrustworthy…

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/23/2024 at 4:45 PM, KentuckyEsq said:

Is this a bad plan of action, to tell him everything? 

What is your objective in doing so?

I get that you are angry, and upset that she has essentially blamed you to protect her own skin. I get that you are disappointed to realize she is not invested in you the way you thought she was, nor is she the person you believed she was. But what will it really serve you to blow it all up?

Personally, I would take some time to myself to figure out what life I want for myself moving forward: one in which this drama continues, or one in which she is not your headache anymore and has to clean up her own problems and unhappy marriage? 

You stand to gain a lot here, but not by further contributing to the chaos - by walking away from it all and finding happiness with someone who wants the same things you do and is available to enjoy them with you. This woman has never been your future.