Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Give yourself time. The end of this is all still fresh and you're reeling. Be patient with the process of healing and coming to terms with who this woman really is. Yes I'm still in the idealizing her phase 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 My situation is detailed in another thread. I was the OM in a 1.5 yr. A. It's terrible to say this but if i am being truthful, I never once felt bad or sad for the BS. I still don't, especially after he called me and blamed me completely. Interested in how OMs and OWs felt about the BS during and after the A. Feelings of guilt? Shame? Jealous because he/she got to stay married to the WS? As for me, I completely compartmentalized the whole thing and rarely ever gave him a thought unless she brought something about him up or the couple of times they were on vacations or other outings as a couple. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 39 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said: My situation is detailed in another thread. I was the OM in a 1.5 yr. A. It's terrible to say this but if i am being truthful, I never once felt bad or sad for the BS. I still don't, especially after he called me and blamed me completely. Interested in how OMs and OWs felt about the BS during and after the A. Feelings of guilt? Shame? Jealous because he/she got to stay married to the WS? As for me, I completely compartmentalized the whole thing and rarely ever gave him a thought unless she brought something about him up or the couple of times they were on vacations or other outings as a couple. Did/do you feel like he deserved to be betrayed? I'm curious why you never gave him a thought. Is this how you are with other people in your life? Do you lack empathy in general? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 It's easy to compartmentalize when you're as deep in Fantasy Land as you and this woman were. I had a friend who had an affair with a married man (I didn't know about it until after it was exposed) She had disdain towards his wife, but when she actually met her and saw the pain in her face, she sang a different tune.The wife turned up at my friend's workplace wanting to talk. It had been easy for my friend until that point to not think about the wife, because she'd never met her. Once she was standing directly in front of her, well, reality started to hit home. She could no longer ignore her own poor choices and hurtful behaviour, or pretend to herself that was absolved of responsibility for being a party to causing horrible pain to a family. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 35 minutes ago, S2B said: Ok, we get it. You have a low level of of a conscience. do individual therapy to help yourself choose healthier people for your future. volunteer to learn how to be compassionate and grateful on a daily basis. You can always choose not to comment if you're that offended by what I post. Ignoring is not hard. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 16 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said: Did/do you feel like he deserved to be betrayed? I'm curious why you never gave him a thought. Is this how you are with other people in your life? Do you lack empathy in general? No that's the thing, I don't lack it at all. Sure deep down I know he didn't deserve it. But, and again, I wanted her so much to be mine that I honestly rarely gave him a thought. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 Just now, KentuckyEsq said: You can always choose not to comment if you're that offended by what I post. Ignoring is not hard. You make some kind of attention seeking post and get mad when someone speaks the truth? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 19 minutes ago, basil67 said: You make some kind of attention seeking post and get mad when someone speaks the truth? Oh so that's attention seeking huh? Again, ignore if you don't like it. I simply asked what other people felt. If there's some way to do so I'll make sure you approve any future posts/topics before posting. Will that get the two of you to stop your whining? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 (edited) I apologise for being snippy - I thought the answer would be obvious, so I figured you were just attention seeking So to seriously answer your question: Someone who has the morals and ethics to care about hurting another person wouldn't enter an affair in the first place. So in the absence of morals and ethics to guide your decision making, it makes perfect sense that you (and others APs) don't care about the one who is injured by your participation in the affair. FWIW I too stepped out on a partner a very, very long time ago. The reason I could do it was because I too was 100% selfish and utterly lacking in morals and ethics. I am quite happy to own this, because without that realisation, I could not become a better person. You can own it too, and work to leave this mindset behind. It may not need therapy - just hitting yourself over the head with the 'self reflection stick' would be enough Edited January 16 by basil67 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 Your level of unhealthy infatuation with that woman is so dangerously high that it has dulled your sense of empathy and is ruining your moral character, and with it your spiritual life. Please get help. A good therapist with a strong ethical mindset, a religious figure, a spiritual guide, anyone who could help you to get out of the predicament you find yourself in currently. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 (edited) 4 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: But, and again, I wanted her so much to be mine that I honestly rarely gave him a thought. Common in affairs. 5 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: As for me, I completely compartmentalized the whole thing and rarely ever gave him a thought unless she brought something about him up or the couple of times they were on vacations or other outings as a couple. I have long thought this is a coping strategy for many OM/OW. 5 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: I never once felt bad or sad for the BS. I still don't, especially after he called me and blamed me completely. Um, yeah. You were sleeping with another man’s wife - if we are going to assign fault, you are at fault here. Hopefully with time you will do some self reflection and develop a different perspective on this whole affair. As was said above, you have an unhealthy level attachment to this woman and it has clouded your judgment in a way that has not served you. I hope you turn this around. Edited January 17 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: You were sleeping with another man’s wife - if we are going to assign fault, you are at fault here. Definitely at fault, but by far not as much as the cheating partner. I could never understand why betrayed spouses often put all or most of the blame on their spouse’s affair partners, not on the unfaithful spouses themselves. I think it’s also a coping mechanism, channeling your hurt into anger at the outsider instead of accepting that your own partner is a liar and a cheater. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 11 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: I never once felt bad or sad for the BS. I still don't, especially after he called me and blamed me completely. Are you actually upset with him for that? Come on. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 17 Author Share Posted January 17 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Are you actually upset with him for that? Come on. I'm not "upset" with him...come on! Merely saying he wanted to hear nothing about dear innocent wifey's role in this. She was the pursuer (she even told me she had wanted me for several years before the opportunity presented itself). I've said it before, I accept my share of the blame; but not all of it. Of course I'm sure (I know) she told him an entirely different story. Hence, her asking me to lie for her on two occasions 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 3 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said: Merely saying he wanted to hear nothing about dear innocent wifey's role in this. So? Do you not see how hypocritical you are here? You are frustrated that he couldn't see her fault in this. That makes sense - yet you bought every sweet nothing she tossed your way, too. You and he have a lot in common: you both blindly fell for her crap. You both got played. He was a fool, to believe her, and very bluntly, so were you. 3 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 (edited) 5 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: She was the pursuer (she even told me she had wanted me for several years before the opportunity presented itself). She may have been the pursuer but you were more than willing to be led… The idea that you could be critical of her husband for wanting to remain wilfully ignorant of his wife’s role in this is laughable considering that you have done the same and claim to still be “infatuated” with the woman. As was said above, you both got played and you both have made very poor decisions. Remember, he’s got a whole lot more invested than you do. Besides, you have no idea what conversations they are having at home… you live in the land of your own imagination. It’s time to quit this perseveration on this woman and her marriage and turn the focus from this woman and her husband to yourself and your future - Edited January 17 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 12 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: I'm not "upset" with him...come on! Merely saying he wanted to hear nothing about dear innocent wifey's role in this. She was the pursuer (she even told me she had wanted me for several years before the opportunity presented itself). I've said it before, I accept my share of the blame; but not all of it. Of course I'm sure (I know) she told him an entirely different story. Hence, her asking me to lie for her on two occasions He's the only victim here, and as such, he is entitled to have whatever response he wants. You have no right to judge him on any of his reactions 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 18 Share Posted January 18 15 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: Merely saying he wanted to hear nothing about dear innocent wifey's role in this. She was the pursuer While I believe that the husband isn’t seeing things quite clearly, trying to find justifications for his cheating wife to soften the blow, the way you’re throwing her under the bus like this is just… not manly. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 Update: I have indeed found a good therapist that I have seemed to connect with. As part of the initial healing process, he has had me write a letter to her (not to be sent of course). There are good days and bad. Yesterday was a particularly bad one as I was required to be in here town for meetings all day. The route takes me right by her home as well as her work place. Moreover, while going to grab lunch we passed each other while driving (it is a very small town so I knew this might be possible). It caused damn near everything to come flooding back. The emotional irrational side of me hoped that she saw me and that she would reach out later that evening. Alas, she didn't. Now I feel like I am back at square one. I miss her and wonder about her constantly. This is my emotional brain. The logical side says I am better off in complete NC. Only thing is. . . and I'm guessing it gets better with time. . . it cuts me to the core that after all that we shared, we may very well never speak again, not knowing what happens to the other, both good (grandchildren, weddings etc.) or bad (death, illness etc.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 (edited) 7 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: Update: I have indeed found a good therapist that I have seemed to connect with. As part of the initial healing process, he has had me write a letter to her (not to be sent of course). There are good days and bad. Yesterday was a particularly bad one as I was required to be in here town for meetings all day. The route takes me right by her home as well as her work place. Moreover, while going to grab lunch we passed each other while driving (it is a very small town so I knew this might be possible). It caused damn near everything to come flooding back. The emotional irrational side of me hoped that she saw me and that she would reach out later that evening. Alas, she didn't. Now I feel like I am back at square one. I miss her and wonder about her constantly. This is my emotional brain. The logical side says I am better off in complete NC. Only thing is. . . and I'm guessing it gets better with time. . . it cuts me to the core that after all that we shared, we may very well never speak again, not knowing what happens to the other, both good (grandchildren, weddings etc.) or bad (death, illness etc.) The only thing that's really going to help lessen this pain is time. It will come, though. ETA: You're breaking an addiction. Maybe take up a new hobby to help fill that void a little. Edited January 29 by Miss Chrysalis Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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