AP's spouse Just Discovered Affair

[basil67]

You've got all these revenge fantasies.  If you'd started this completely unaware that she was married, you'd have a much stronger case for doing this.   But as it stands, you knew she was married and made a conscious choice to participate in the cheating.   You're just as much at fault as she is, and you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to justifying revenge

[stillafool]

Do you know for certain that he found out about the affair? She could be lying about that in order to slow down the affair.

[spiritedaway2003]

On 12/23/2024 at 10:45 AM, KentuckyEsq said:

In her "goodbye" email last Thursday (I haven't heard from her since) she indicated that her H asked her to not have anymore contact with me. He also asked if we had had any communication since DDay. She told him only one time when I emailed her to check to see if she was "ok." This was a total lie as she had begun emailing me within hours of discovery and emailed me during her entire vacation. Also, as they were driving back from the airport late last Sunday night ( I suppose he was busy driving and she was in the back seat) she emailed me stating that there was a detour and their new route would take her right by my house. Who does that s*** while 3 feet away from their spouse? Then she had the nerve to tell him there had been no contact other than me contacting her to see if she was ok. I was thrown under the bus and I am of a mind to contact H (I have his number) and fill him in on EVERYTHING. I have the receipts---thousands and thousands of emails/texts and hundreds of photos. Or should I just let it be, not hurt him anymore than he is and let her portray herself as the victim? I truly think if he knew the whole truth he'd kick her to the curb. Is this a bad plan of action, to tell him everything? 

Yes that is a bad plan of action.  Because you're a biased party, there is no way to determine your motives anymore.  You could be sincere in telling the truth for the sake of truth, which you aren't.  You could be telling him because you want her to separate from him by exposing the affair, or you just want to hurt them both because she's hurt you.  Either way, thread carefully.  He could hurt you for sleeping with his wife.

Pay attention to her action.  If you are who she says you are (her future), this is the time she would choose to leave.  It does take some time for that process to happen because it's common that one party will want to see if there is still anything left to salvage in the marriage or if it's totally run its course. I will just say this -- going on a vacation doesn't seem to be the kind of action I'd expect from someone who is leaving.   Physically separating would be the first step if she is serious at all about leaving.  

Edited December 25, 2024 by spiritedaway2003

[KentuckyEsq]

Update II: MW went no contact for about 1 week then reached out XMas Eve and we picked right up (everything but actually seeing each other). 
 

Fast forward to early morning Friday, I receive email saying that "I'll try to talk soon but things aren't good here." Says he delved into phone records and saw the extent of our communication. Literally dozens upon dozens of texts each day for 1.5 yr. So obviously she has initially told him the A was less than it was. 
 

she alluded to the fact that he would be divorcing her and even told me that she was cleaning out her office (she works for him) and the. Getting her things out of the house and going to her parents. *I'm sure none of this happened. She also says he said he wanted to be amicable and remain in good terms for children. 
 

She then said he may contact me (he hasn't) and wanting me to lie for her by not sharing the actual emails/texts (where if you'll recall she said she would marry me, called me her SM, future husband, love of her life etc). Said "I beg you not to." I don't want to hurt her but in a way I do. Anyway, she then said she didn't want to live anymore and said she was at risk of harming herself. A few hours later and the last thing I've ever heard from her (at least I think I'll never hear from her again) was "I'm ok" as in she didn't harm herself. 
 

Any insights as to what the dynamic is at present in their home? I shouldn't care, but surely they didn't sweep it all under the rug and go back to pseudo bliss this quickly. I want to hear from her so badly. *Oh and when this first went down Friday I said, "I guess you're done." She said "I don't want to be."  I don't know if I can believe one single word that comes out of her mouth 

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

but surely they didn't sweep it all under the rug and go back to pseudo bliss this quickly.

Probably not, but it also doesn't sound like she wants to leave her marriage either. 

Now you know the truth. She wants to stay right where she is. A lot of married couples stay married even after affairs come out. It might not be healthy in all cases, but it happens all the time. 

49 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

 I don't know if I can believe one single word that comes out of her mouth 

You really shouldn't.  At the very least, you need to start accepting that the future you planned with her is almost surely not going to happen. 

[Miss Chrysalis]

56 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Update II: MW went no contact for about 1 week then reached out XMas Eve and we picked right up (everything but actually seeing each other). 
 

Fast forward to early morning Friday, I receive email saying that "I'll try to talk soon but things aren't good here." Says he delved into phone records and saw the extent of our communication. Literally dozens upon dozens of texts each day for 1.5 yr. So obviously she has initially told him the A was less than it was. 
 

she alluded to the fact that he would be divorcing her and even told me that she was cleaning out her office (she works for him) and the. Getting her things out of the house and going to her parents. *I'm sure none of this happened. She also says he said he wanted to be amicable and remain in good terms for children. 
 

She then said he may contact me (he hasn't) and wanting me to lie for her by not sharing the actual emails/texts (where if you'll recall she said she would marry me, called me her SM, future husband, love of her life etc). Said "I beg you not to." I don't want to hurt her but in a way I do. Anyway, she then said she didn't want to live anymore and said she was at risk of harming herself. A few hours later and the last thing I've ever heard from her (at least I think I'll never hear from her again) was "I'm ok" as in she didn't harm herself. 
 

Any insights as to what the dynamic is at present in their home? I shouldn't care, but surely they didn't sweep it all under the rug and go back to pseudo bliss this quickly. I want to hear from her so badly. *Oh and when this first went down Friday I said, "I guess you're done." She said "I don't want to be."  I don't know if I can believe one single word that comes out of her mouth 

 

Oh dear.  First, the self-harm "threat." That is textbook manipulation and the next time she does it, call authorities for a wellness check on her. (This was advice given to me way back in the day when dealing with exiting my marriage with my cheating ex-husband).

Her life is about to get hella messy.....I'd strongly advise you not be there for it unless you love drama. As others have said, if she really thought you were her soulmate, she'd have left her marriage long ago.  

How old are her children?

 

[KentuckyEsq]

3 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

 

Oh dear.  First, the self-harm "threat." That is textbook manipulation and the next time she does it, call authorities for a wellness check on her. (This was advice given to me way back in the day when dealing with exiting my marriage with my cheating ex-husband).

Her life is about to get hella messy.....I'd strongly advise you not be there for it unless you love drama. As others have said, if she really thought you were her soulmate, she'd have left her marriage long ago.  

How old are her children?

 

Children are college aged and in college though one is very emotionally and physically fragile this very dependent on her mother (my AP). 

[Miss Chrysalis]

How does it make you feel that she's asking you to lie about the extent of your relationship? If this wasn't an extra-marital affair and you were just two otherwise-unattached people in a relationship, would you like it if  your partner asked you to do that? What would it tell you about their feelings and intentions?

[KentuckyEsq]

3 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

How does it make you feel that she's asking you to lie about the extent of your relationship? If this wasn't an extra-marital affair and you were just two otherwise-unattached people in a relationship, would you like it if  your partner asked you to do that? What would it tell you about their feelings and intentions?

It makes me feel she is all about saving her own skin and makes me want to contact the husband and give him the straight scoop since she's obviously thrown me under the bus. But that serves no real purpose 

[Miss Chrysalis]

1 minute ago, KentuckyEsq said:

It makes me feel she is all about saving her own skin and makes me want to contact the husband and give him the straight scoop since she's obviously thrown me under the bus. But that serves no real purpose 

 

You're right, it doesn't serve a purpose.  Maybe if you hadn't known she was married all this time, it would serve a purpose of saving your own skin, so to speak, (integrity-wise), but time is going to make all the dirty details come out anyway, so it's probably best to just law low and not put yourself in any potential danger. My guess is that the betrayed husband isn't thinking highly of either of you right now and hearing from you isn't going to make him put any less blame on you. 

I know it's easier said than done, but I would cut all ties with this woman. Go cold and focus on healing yourself. Frankly, it's probably what she wants as well.  Not because she doesn't care for you or loves her husband more, but because of the drama of it all.  

[KentuckyEsq]

2 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

 

You're right, it doesn't serve a purpose.  Maybe if you hadn't known she was married all this time, it would serve a purpose of saving your own skin, so to speak, (integrity-wise), but time is going to make all the dirty details come out anyway, so it's probably best to just law low and not put yourself in any potential danger. My guess is that the betrayed husband isn't thinking highly of either of you right now and hearing from you isn't going to make him put any less blame on you. 

I know it's easier said than done, but I would cut all ties with this woman. Go cold and focus on healing yourself. Frankly, it's probably what she wants as well.  Not because she doesn't care for you or loves her husband more, but because of the drama of it all.  

I think she actually enjoys drama. Am I likely to hear from her again?

Edited 21 hours ago by KentuckyEsq
Added thought

[Miss Chrysalis]

Just now, KentuckyEsq said:

I think she actually enjoys drama. 

Oh! OK.  Well, what about you? Do you enjoy it?

[KentuckyEsq]

Just now, Miss Chrysalis said:

Oh! OK.  Well, what about you? Do you enjoy it?

No but I do love her for better or worse. I guess I should give up hope. A little bit of her is better than none at all

[Miss Chrysalis]

9 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

No but I do love her for better or worse. I guess I should give up hope. A little bit of her is better than none at all

I'm sure you know you're worthy of more than just scraps.

[KentuckyEsq]

1 minute ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

I'm sure you know you're worthy of more than just scraps.

Whether her feelings were real, mine were and in all my years I've never felt about anyone else the way I feel about her. 

[Miss Chrysalis]

Just now, KentuckyEsq said:

Whether her feelings were real, mine were and in all my years I've never felt about anyone else the way I feel about her. 

I'm curious....have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was either already in a relationship (like her) or "just separated?" Is this your first experience with someone who is, on paper, simply not available?

What do your friends and family know of your relationship?

[KentuckyEsq]

Just now, Miss Chrysalis said:

I'm curious....have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was either already in a relationship (like her) or "just separated?" Is this your first experience with someone who is, on paper, simply not available?

What do your friends and family know of your relationship?

No I did it one other time...almost 20 years ago. No one knows but my mother and sister 

[Miss Chrysalis]

3 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

No I did it one other time...almost 20 years ago. No one knows but my mother and sister 

How did the one 20 years ago end?

Does it bother you to not spend holidays, weekends, special events with her affair partner?

[Miss Chrysalis]

How did you meet this woman? 

[KentuckyEsq]

Just now, Miss Chrysalis said:

How did the one 20 years ago end?

Does it bother you to not spend holidays, weekends, special events with her affair partner?

Her H left her. We continued a dating relationship for over a year then broke up. And yes it does bother me but I have held onto hope that one day we'd be together 

[KentuckyEsq]

1 minute ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

How did you meet this woman? 

I had previous work dealings with her H. She works for him. I got a new email address and notified her of it. She said "don't be a stranger" and we began emailing friendly banter. One thing led to another. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Your feelings may be real OP, but that doesn't mean you're going to get your Happily Ever After with this woman. 

All signs are pointing to that not happening. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Whether her feelings were real, mine were and in all my years I've never felt about anyone else the way I feel about her. 

I’m trying to find the words to explain what is wrong about this statement and I struggle to do so…

I don’t actually understand how one can develop these kind of feelings for a woman who has chosen another man. I mean, she is choosing him (or perhaps, herself) over you when she asked you not to tell him the full extent of the betrayal. I don’t know how anyone could love or feel any kind of loyalty to a woman who would do such a thing - 
 

8 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Any insights as to what the dynamic is at present in their home?

Messed up. 
 

8 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said:

I shouldn't care, but surely they didn't sweep it all under the rug and go back to pseudo bliss this quickly. When this first went down Friday I said, "I guess you're done." She said "I don't want to be."

You are still sitting on the sidelines waiting to get called into the game…

[Sony12]

@Kentuckyesq this whole thing is turning into a big mess. You don't want to deal with this anymore with this type of drama. People get hurt or killed when there is infidelity drama like this and the spouse has found out about it.

Be smart and just completely walk away from the situation and tell this lady not to contact you again. She is clearly not trustworthy and has clearly been lying to both you and her spouse.

In the future don't get involved with married women. There are plenty of women who are legally divorced that are looking for someone to date.

And absolutely do not share photos you have of you two. Doing something like that would be extremely immature of you.

Edited 6 hours ago by Sony12

[KentuckyEsq]

18 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

@Kentuckyesq this whole thing is turning into a big mess. You don't want to deal with this anymore with this type of drama. People get hurt or killed when there is infidelity drama like this and the spouse has found out about it.

Be smart and just completely walk away from the situation and tell this lady not to contact you again. She is clearly not trustworthy and has clearly been lying to both you and her spouse.

In the future don't get involved with married women. There are plenty of women who are legally divorced that are looking for someone to date.

And absolutely do not share photos you have of you two. Doing something like that would be extremely immature of you.

I definitely wouldn't share photos. But if confronted, I would perhaps tell him there was more to it than I'm sure what she's telling him. The future planning, the talk of marriage, soulmates etc. I miss her (or the fantasy we had) so much