newlywed0428 Posted December 12 Share Posted December 12 My husband and I are having trouble talking about money - it feels ike we don’t even know where to start. Does anybody have a good book or podcast they’d recommend for couples? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 12 Share Posted December 12 (edited) This is a very broad question. Why are you having trouble talking about money? What are your goals? Can either of you use a spreadsheet? Edited December 12 by basil67 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author newlywed0428 Posted December 12 Author Share Posted December 12 Fair point - we just got married and are trying to figure out how to combine our finances. I want to keep some accounts personal, where as my husband wants to merge everything. We haven't really gotten into goals, but we know generally we want to own a home in the next 5 years. He keeps a spreadsheet. I was using Mint but haven't found a replacement since it shut down. Just feels like whenever money comes up it becomes a fight. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 12 Share Posted December 12 (edited) In my marriage, all our money is combined, but I understand you wanting to keep some personal accounts. What would you use the personal money for? Is it for personal items? Or perhaps so that you can buy what you need without having to justify your purchases? (just asking in order to see if compromise can be found) What are his concerns about you having a personal account? Would the balance of it make a dent in your savings for a home? Is your desire for a personal account the only thing you fight over re money? Edited December 12 by basil67 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author newlywed0428 Posted December 12 Author Share Posted December 12 You ask great questions! Ya exactly, I have a personal credit card I use for my 'fun' money and don't want to have to justify every purchase (of course would flag any big ones). He thinks it's just a hastle to try to manage all our finances when we have so many different accounts. I'd like to saving more but he wants to do a bunch of traveling/concerts/restaurants before we decide to start a family, which is another argument we get into. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jjmm428 Posted December 12 Share Posted December 12 There's a podcast I like called Love & other assets. They just had esther perel on who is my idol! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 12 Share Posted December 12 Both of you actually have quite understandable desires, and I think this is a really important thing to acknowledge with each other. If you take an approach where both of you can get your desires reasonably met and also work towards the goal of saving for a home, you're half way there. I'd start at the beginning find the things you both agree on and then work some compromise into the equation. After all, compromise is a cornerstone of marriage! So it sounds like you both want to buy a home. Do you both agree on the timeline, the location and type of dwelling? You don't say how old you are, but do you want children? Because your fertility waits for nobody. When you agree on the housing question (when, where and how) get a spreadsheet started. Work out a budget and timeline for saving for a downpayment on a house, while also acknowledging that you can't stop having a nice life. Agree on how much is reasonable for your personal expenses and either put it in a separate account or allow for it on the spreadsheet. Agree on how much travel and restauranting is reasonable and add a line for that too. Unless you're into designer clothes, it's likely going to show up that he wants to spend more than you simply because travel can be expensive...so look at more affordable destinations but also remember that the travel and restaurants is something he wants to do with YOU. Both of you will benefit and make great memories together. There's also a possibility that the spreadsheet will show that you can't have it all, and both of you will have to made adjustments Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 12 Share Posted December 12 I feel like what you need is a good marriage counselor who will help you both reach a middle ground. I don't think a financial counselor will help for this specific issue. If you can't talk about money without getting into an argument, and you're not actively on the brink of homelessness and starvation, money isn't really the problem. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 13 Share Posted December 13 You need to sit down with a marriage counselor. A book or podcast isn't going to cut it. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 14 Share Posted December 14 Just own it--and this applies to many couples. You guys were painfully immature and silly to not have this discussion (multiple discussions) before you got married. Discussing this issue was of far greater importance than where you held the wedding and what food would be served there. Just totally immature. Money differences are a fundamental reason marriages can turn miserable. Now there is a second problem in addition to the first problem, which is the failure to discuss money differences. This second problem--possibly bigger--is that neither of you has the maturity to go up to the other and say, "hey, we need to discuss our money differences, so we can both feel good about our finances." The fact that neither of you has taken this step is further evidence that you guys got married with very little maturity. What? Did you think marriage was going to experience 24/7 bliss? Bills wouldn't matter? Different spending priorities wouldn't matter? You can go to a marriage counselor (probably best since neither of you initiates a key conversation). Or you can go to a financial advisor. If you go to the advisor, you guys are at risk for not reaching a REAL agreement. Since you don't talk to each other, one or both of you likely won't speak honestly about your values and priorities to the advisor. The advisor will only be as helpful as you guys are mature and honest. If hubby is too stubborn to go to couples counselor, you need to go to a counselor and get coached on how to initiate the discussion with hubby. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14 Share Posted December 14 On 12/12/2024 at 4:33 PM, newlywed0428 said: I'd like to saving more but he wants to do a bunch of traveling/concerts/restaurants before we decide to start a family, which is another argument we get into None of these dreams are wrong - you got married with someone with different goals and timeline for those goals. There is a need for compromise here so both of you are satisfied. You know what we say in business? A good contract is when both parties feel they lost a little something. You 2 need counseling to break down what is really going on here. Both your needs are important and no one should dismiss a partner's need. Both these needs are obtainable with good planning. About putting all your money together - no. Women are still the financially vulnerable ones and should never hand all her money to the commun account. You need to build your own emergency account. There are still too many stories of women unable to leave a marriage for lack of money. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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