My partner always stays out late whenever he goes out.

[Alyssaaa]

My partner and I have been dating for nearly five years. We started dating just before Covid happened. He is 29 (30 next year) and I am 25.

My partner is a very social-orientated person and likes to meet up with friends for a drink, or two...or three. Ordinarily, I would have no issue with that. However, even at this age, he can't just seem to go out, have a few drinks, and come home. He ends up staying until the pubs shut (1am) and sometimes later. I have seen him coming home at 5am (quite rare, but has happened several times). 

He has come in such a state before that it means that my weekends are basically me dealing with the dog (which is "legally" his) and running around tidying the house because he is too hung over to do anything with me.

Recently, he went to celebrate a friend's girlfriend's birthday - someone who he barely knows. He missed the last train home and I offered to drive the 40 minutes to pick him up. He ignored all my texts and all 12 of my phone calls before telling me that he is just going to stay at the girlfriend's house (along with his friend). I was so angry that he prioritised his friends over me. He apologised but only after I got angry with him on his return home. His main apology was missing the last train home. 

These are the same friends that last year pushed and pushed him to stay at their house again after a night out in the city despite knowing that I wasn't happy as he had been out for 15 hours the night before with other friends and promised that he would get the last train home. It was also coming up to Christmas Eve and I refused to wake up on the day by myself dealing with the dog. He did come home, but only after I called him after he told me: "I know you don't want me to stay, but I am going to because I want to," and was furious with him and then, he said that I had "ruined his night."

It is so infuriating that he is so easily persuaded by his friends when he has a drink in him that he pushes me to the side. His friends clearly have no respect for me, but I know that is because he allows that and doesn't have much for me when he has a drink in him. I have told him time and time again that he can't be doing that especially when we are getting to the age where we could he having children in the future. 

I am so angry because he is back out again where he met up with his friend at 6pm and couldn't tell me when he would be back. 

Side note: I have spoken to him several times but his argument is that he wants to see his friends. His family find it funny and see it as the family curse where they can't help but get carried away with drinking. That is always their excuse that it is "just what he is like."

[basil67]

Oh I feel for you!   My husband was somewhat like this when we were in the first ten years or so of our relationship (but thankfully not as bad as your partner) before he grew out of it (he's in his 60's now)   And like your partner, my guy's family and mates are also the same.   Birds of a feather and all that..

What I learned is that you can argue until you're blue in the face, but this is who he is.  And just as you want him to respect your needs, there is a reverse expectation for you to respect his needs.   Also, I doubt his friends are doing any persuading at all!   Your partner is not saying "I need to go home soon" and they talk him out of it.  Instead, he's just buying the next round of drinks.   And kindly, this isn't about his friends not respecting you.  In no world would it happen that the people are partying but tell one person to go home because the partner is waiting. 

As it so happens, my partner was actually much like yours before we met, but the thing which made him change was reflecting how alcohol played a part in the demise of his previous relationships, and he needed to make changes.  So I'm afraid I have no advice other than to reconsider if he's the right fit for you.   It's OK if you can't keep living like this.  And you're only 25, so you still have lots of time

[ShyViolet]

35 minutes ago, Alyssaaa said:

It is so infuriating that he is so easily persuaded by his friends when he has a drink in him that he pushes me to the side.

It's not that he is easily persuaded by his friends.  HE is choosing to do these things.  HE WANTS to stay out drinking and not come home.  If he truly wanted to come home and spend time with you, he would.

He will not change unless he truly wants to.  Which it doesn't sound like he is interested in that.  You have to make a decision about whether you want to continue living like this.  His excessive drinking will be even less cute when he gets into his 40s and 50s.  

37 minutes ago, Alyssaaa said:

I have told him time and time again that he can't be doing that especially when we are getting to the age where we could he having children in the future. 

Please do not have children with this man, when this sounds far from a solid relationship.

[Gebidozo]

This has nothing to do with his friends, OP. He is drinking and staying late because he likes it.

While you see this as him disrespecting you, he sees your protests over his lifestyle as you disrespecting him. My fiancée’s best friend has the same problem - her husband goes out drinking and sometimes comes back the next day, and they have a daughter, not just a dog. She pleaded, yelled, threatened  - nothing changed. She chose to stay with him because of the kid, but her feelings for him are ruined. She is basically in a loveless marriage now.

If your partner hasn’t even begun to realize that he should stop or at least moderate his lifestyle, you’ll have to decide whether you could continue to live your whole life like that. Break up with him if you know you can’t.

[BaileyB]

Is he a good partner to you in other ways? 

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a man who uses alcohol in this way. He is of an age that he should be moving past this kind of immature and irresponsible behavior. I’m not saying that he can’t enjoy a few drinks with his friends, but it needs to be in moderation. The fact that he doesn’t seem to understand that would be a real problem for me. 

Edited December 14, 2024 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't be able to stand this. 

An occasional night out, sure. But it sounds like a frequent issue and I side-eye a man who is 30 and still behaving as though he's in a fraternity. It sounds like hasn't grown up yet. However, you also can't tell him how to live his life, of course. You have talked to him and nothing has changed. All you can do at this point is decide if you want to be part of this life with him. 

[Acacia98]

I have family like this and am familiar with the frustration, the anger, and the fact of having to handle more than your fair share of responsibility. The thing is, we don't get to choose who we're related to. But we typically choose the people we date, marry, and have kids with. So you actually have a choice here. You can choose to stay and put up with this for what might end up being the rest of your life (because this seems to be who he is), or you can leave.

I have to say this: Because you are already able to describe how you feel so clearly and to see the ways in which your boyfriend's actions impact you negatively, I don't think you will last much longer in the relationship. It's much easier to put up with frustrating behavior when you're in denial about it. Fortunately for you, your eyes are wide open.

If you are ultimately going to leave, you should do it soon. Don't make the mistake of having children with this guy.

[Gaeta]

You grew up, he didn't, time to leave. There is no pot of goal at the end of that rainbow. If l were you l would move out while he's out partying. That may shake him a little but l doubt it. Your guy has a series of problem much more serious then liking to go out. He has a problem with alcohol, with lying, with priorizing.

I agree with the others that has nothing to do with his friends, reality is he probably gets so drunk it would be dangerous letting him leave.  You really think this woman wanted him to stay the night after her b'day party? No way! She wanted to be alone with her boyfriend.

Edited December 14, 2024 by Gaeta

[Els]

Very irresponsible of him to just leave his dog to you while partying all night on the regular. And honestly, just really lame for a 30yo to be spending all weekend every weekend hung over from blackout drinking. Major turn off IMO.

What are you getting out of this relationship? If he's like this at 30, I don't think there's a high chance of him ever changing. This is who he is. It's not a nice sight to behold, is it? Better to leave now than later.

Also, as others have said, PLEASE do not have kids with this guy. Dudes like him "want kids" like a child wants a puppy. They're only thinking about the fun stuff, and have no plans to actually make sacrifices for the kid or to be an equal parent. You're going to be taking care of the kids (AND the dog!) 24/7 while he carries on with his old habits, and I guarantee you that you will regret this.

Edited December 14, 2024 by Els

[smackie9]

Well you both are not at the same place in life...you want more maturity, and he still wants to party like a frat boy. You are incompatible and this relationship has ran it's course. Let him go.

[BreakOnThrough]

He already has a mother, create more independence for yourself, which excludes taking care of his dog, and anything else you do as an enabler to this behavior.  He'll either come around or he won't, then you can make your choice then.

[Calmandfocused]

I agree that the bottom line issue here is alcohol. Op, from what you’ve told us it appears your boyfriend may have a problem.
 

It’s not that your boyfriend prefers his friends over you, it’s more that his friends enables his drinking. You do not, hence he’d rather spend time with them. 
 

Ask yourself why you are never invited to join him on one of these benders? To me it’s obvious - he doesn’t want any barrier (you) standing in the way of him drinking as much as possible. Big red flag right there. 
 

Op you’re young and you need to look out for your own interests. Please do not under any circumstances have a baby with a man who puts alcohol above you. 
 

in fact I think you should move out, and  rebuild your life (can you take the dog? Better for the dog if you do)

There’s some nice men out there who will want to spend their spare time making special memories with you rather than revolving their lives around getting drunk, and expecting you to pick up the pieces. 
 

ps) stop offering to pick him up and let him get on with it.