juneflowers Posted Friday at 11:06 PM Share Posted Friday at 11:06 PM I found out earlier this year that my husband had and affair. I thought we would reconcile but he still in contact with her. So as a result I ended up talking to another guy for the past couple months online. The guy knows my situation and we plan to meet. I do and don't feel guilty about this but I never thought I'll do something like this. Divorce is expensive and I'm trying to get myself together Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted Saturday at 12:00 AM Share Posted Saturday at 12:00 AM If you’re separated from your unrepentant, cheating husband, what is there to feel guilty about? If you aren’t separated, do that first. Obviously your husband doesn’t regret his cheating at all, and the only way to deal with this would be to separate from him and divorce him eventually. Why is divorce expensive? Which country do you live in? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted Saturday at 12:29 AM Share Posted Saturday at 12:29 AM Have you separated and filed for divorce? You have to ask yourself why you are talking with another man before you have dealt with the end of your marriage? If it was me, I would take some time to get my house in order before starting another relationship… but that’s just how I roll. It wouldn’t be guilt that caused me to slow my roll as much as self care. You seem to want to jump from the pot to the frying pan… Time will tell how that is going to work for you, I suppose… 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author juneflowers Posted Saturday at 12:32 AM Author Share Posted Saturday at 12:32 AM We aren't physically separated; I feel like we are separated but he's not home most of the time because of his job or maybe spending time at her place. I'm in the US and we live in NY. In order to get a lawyer they want a $5000 retainer fee. I been looking to see I can find one that can work with me and we have 2 kids together. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted Saturday at 02:27 AM Share Posted Saturday at 02:27 AM (edited) Divorce is expensive and complicated, I get that. But, you can’t avoid it - not if your husband has a girlfriend. You are going to need to find a way… You want to monkey branch from one relationship to another. Lots of people do it, for a variety of reasons - many of them very unhealthy. Is that because you are lonely? Scared? Seeking validation? Revenge? It seems based on your post that you may at least in some way feel somewhat entitled/justify it because your husband cheated. The simple truth is, if you have not even separated or begun the process of filing for divorce, you are in no way ready to start another relationship. That decision is just going to complicate an already complicated situation. Especially because you have two kids who will need your support and guidance during this time of transition… they would be my focus right now - my children and my own mental, emotional, and financial health. If you have the ability to seek individual counselling, I would suggest that this would be a good plan. I think you need a counsellor or a good friend and a lawyer more than you need another relationship right now. But, that’s just me… Edited Saturday at 02:31 AM by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted Saturday at 10:35 AM Share Posted Saturday at 10:35 AM 11 hours ago, juneflowers said: Divorce is expensive and I'm trying to get myself together In what sense? Because I don't think arranging to meet another man factors into the equation of getting yourself together. You are going to make this messier than it already is. I understand why you want some affection and attention, but this is not likely to bring you anything but more trouble. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author juneflowers Posted Saturday at 02:21 PM Author Share Posted Saturday at 02:21 PM 11 hours ago, BaileyB said: Divorce is expensive and complicated, I get that. But, you can’t avoid it - not if your husband has a girlfriend. You are going to need to find a way… You want to monkey branch from one relationship to another. Lots of people do it, for a variety of reasons - many of them very unhealthy. Is that because you are lonely? Scared? Seeking validation? Revenge? It seems based on your post that you may at least in some way feel somewhat entitled/justify it because your husband cheated. The simple truth is, if you have not even separated or begun the process of filing for divorce, you are in no way ready to start another relationship. That decision is just going to complicate an already complicated situation. Especially because you have two kids who will need your support and guidance during this time of transition… they would be my focus right now - my children and my own mental, emotional, and financial health. If you have the ability to seek individual counselling, I would suggest that this would be a good plan. I think you need a counsellor or a good friend and a lawyer more than you need another relationship right now. But, that’s just me… I'm still looking around for a lawyer. I been conflicted whether I should file on my own it's just stressful looking around. I know everything you said is right. I'm not ready to date or start a another relationship. We're just on a friendship level. I did take therapy at some point but I think I'll go back. My husband refused therapy because he felt he didn't need it . Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted Saturday at 02:25 PM Share Posted Saturday at 02:25 PM Is this man you are talking to looking for a sexual encounter? IIf he is and you are really just looking for a friend then you probably shouldn't meet him. It really is best for you to not have a physical affair before you two are separated or divorced. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted Saturday at 04:45 PM Share Posted Saturday at 04:45 PM 2 hours ago, juneflowers said: My husband refused therapy because he felt he didn't need it . He’s clearly made his decision. Marriage counselling would be a waste of time and money when he has clearly chosen to continue this other relationship. Whether he goes for individual counselling or not is not your concern - your only concern at this point should be the wellbeing of yourself and your little people and getting a good divorce settlement for yourself. Your kids will need you to be stable and secure even more than ever because their father is behaving in a selfish and really irresponsible way. 100% support your decision to find a counsellor, just know that not everyone is so fortunate as to have the finances/insurance to do so. If you do - that’s amazing!! You definitely need to consult a lawyer. Protecting yourself and your children by finalizing a good divorce settlement is really, really important… and to do that, you will need legal advice. Hugs. You can do this! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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