Where is my mom.

[Gordana]

Hi everyone...

I am sitting here in her room, my mom's, my beautiful mom that I buried yesterday 😢 I slept in her bed last night, the blankets still have her smell... I also wore her jumper, I just wanted a little something that would help in my missing her, just a little something to feel her presence... oh God, do I miss her.... I want her to come back.. I saw her beautiful eyes for the last time on Thursday, I wish I knew it was gonna be the last.... She was warm and soft and her hug felt so nice, loving, peaceful, like everything is going to be okay... But then she suddenly fell asleep and never woke up...

I asked her a million times to come to me in my dreams but she didn't come to me last night... I asked her again today when I went to her grave, and begged her to come to me in my dreams, to be with her at least in my dreams...

I wonder where she is... Is she somewhere or nowhere? Does she cry about me, us too? Or is she just gone, ceased to exist? I can't accept the fact that she is no longer here... I feel like she has just gone somewhere and she will be back and I'll find her sitting in the living room or making lunch in the kitchen... But then I remember seeing her body laying in a coffin and turning pale and so cold, and I ask again where are you now mom? 😢

I don't know how to live without her... She was a breath of fresh air to me... My best friend, always had the best advice to give, and always right about everything... everything was so much easier... I was calling her a couple of times a day... however I was feeling, whatever new happened to me or my kids, or just called her for no particular reason, just to hear her voice... and now... what now? it is not fair... I need her to come back... :'(((((

 

 

Edited December 14 by Gordana

[fadi20]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is an incredibly profound and painful experience. It's completely natural to feel the way you do and to miss her presence deeply.

Your message beautifully captures the bond and love you shared with your mom. Holding onto her belongings and sleeping in her bed are ways to keep her memory close. Grieving takes time, and it's okay to feel a mix of emotions as you navigate this process.

While it might take time for her to appear in your dreams, know that her love and essence will always remain a part of you. Her warmth, wisdom, and the beautiful moments you shared will continue to guide you.

Remember, you don't have to go through this alone. Lean on your support system—friends, family, or even support groups. They can provide comfort and understanding during this difficult time.

Take things one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to grieve in your own way. Your mom's love will always be with you. 💔

[Gordana]

Thank you Fadi for your words of comfort... I am so disappointed and so angry that this happened... But then I ask who should I be angry at? There is no one to be angry at.. I just feel helpless in the situation, I felt helpless while it was happening, during the hours when she was in a deep sleep from the brain stroke but still breathing, I couldn't even be beside her, she was in the ICU, they didn't let anyone inside... I just wish I was with her at that moment... I was in the hall waiting for something, anything...but realizing it was status quo, I decided to leave and come back in a few hours.. I got home, it was like a 20min drive, and after half an hour I got the call.... If only I had stayed there.... Maybe it would have made a difference... Or if I didn't take so long in the morning preparing to go to the hospital for her check up.. we were preparing to go to the hospital anyway when she started complaining to a terrible headache in the car on our way there.. the last thing I expected was that she was experiencing a stroke... It dawned on me when she suddenly couldn't get out of the car and fell asleep in my arms.... I knew at that moment, my mum was gone, although her heart was still beating... It felt as she was not there anymore... I keep replaying all that happened over and over again and I am just helpless and angry there is no answer to why???? and also, after reading all sorts of things about afterlife, reincarnation trying to find comfort maybe that she is somewhere there (but where?) and she is in a state of "exhilarating love and joy" as they call it, I find it so hard to believe because that can't be true, she would have been the happiest being here, right here next to me and her grandchildren. So that must be a lie....

I don't know what to think anymore... I want to believe in something, but I just can't... I can't collect the pieces and trust that she is somewhere better off without us... Can not be.

[fadi20]

12 hours ago, Gordana said:

I don't know what to think anymore... I want to believe in something, but I just can't... I can't collect the pieces and trust that she is somewhere better off without us... Can not be.

"I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're feeling. It’s completely normal to question and struggle with beliefs about the afterlife, especially when dealing with such a significant loss. Finding a way to believe that your mom is in a better place can be incredibly difficult when her absence feels so overwhelming.

Grief often brings up these complex feelings and doubts. It’s okay not to have all the answers right now. What's most important is to give yourself permission to feel this sorrow and to seek comfort in whatever way feels right to you. Whether through cherished memories, spiritual beliefs, or the support of loved ones, finding a sense of peace can be a gradual process.

Remember, your mom’s love and impact on your life are real and enduring. Her presence will always be a part of you, even as you navigate these challenging emotions. Take your time, and be gentle with yourself as you seek the answers and comfort you need."