How long do I have to respond to somebody?

[lemonicetea]

On a dating app, either Friday night or Saturday morning, a guy messaged me asking how it’s going. I responded Saturday afternoon with how I was volunteering somewhere. I checked my app again this morning (Sunday) and saw I got a message from him last night asking if I had any other plans for the weekend, and another one from early this morning saying “thank you, you saved me a lot of time” followed by an emoji  surrounded by hearts (🥰). 
 

I interpreted this as I didn’t respond fast enough so he is done with me. How long does a person have to respond? In my mind I say about 24-48 hours, but is that loo long? Since nothing about this guy’s profile particularly wowed me, he lives kind of far away, and he called me “my love” in his first message (sorry, but I hate it when guys say stuff like that), I’m not loosing any sleep over it. I was just wondering for next time. 

[Els]

He's being ridiculous. You're not in a relationship or even dating, you don't owe him anything. The only exception I would say is if you two agreed to meet up on Sun evening, and he texted you in the morning to confirm but you didn't respond at all until the time of the date. If it's just chatting, you can take as long as you like.

And the "my love" part is a big yellow flag IMO.

[Sony12]

Yeah if all you are doing is texting you can communicate at whatever pace you wish.

With that said though if you find someone on there you find pretty appealing it's good to try to be at least somewhat prompt with your replies. As they will probably be getting messages from other people as well who will be showing a lot of interest and be trying to get back with them as soon as they can.

[Gaeta]

Do not respond. This is a passive agressive reply born out of insecurities. If he acts like this after a couple of messages imagine how he'll be after a couple of dates.

[Alpacalia]

I've seen some people say that if someone is really interested, they will respond within 24 hours. However, this is not always the case. People have busy lives, and they may not always be able to respond immediately. So, there is no set timeline for how long someone has to respond. I feel if there is pressure to respond within a certain time frame, it takes away from the natural flow of conversation and could create unnecessary stress. My thought is when two people are in sync there is a natural flow of communication, without any pressure for either person to respond within a specific time frame. Of course, if you go weeks without a response, different story.

[basil67]

I think the speed at which a person replies reflects their interest.  There's nothing wrong with waiting 24-48 hours, but it's going to tell them you're low interest and they'll likely lose interest in return.

Does the app you're using alerts so that you don't miss messages from someone are are keen on? 

[lemonicetea]

55 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think the speed at which a person replies reflects their interest.  There's nothing wrong with waiting 24-48 hours, but it's going to tell them you're low interest and they'll likely lose interest in return.

Does the app you're using alerts so that you don't miss messages from someone are are keen on? 

There are alerts I could turn on but I usually keep alerts on apps turned off. I just feel like it’s better for my mental health. 

[MsJayne]

He called you "my love"....pfft. How an unfamiliar male addresses you tells you a whole lot about his attitude towards women. Calling you 'my love' is him trying to establish that you're the lesser person in this interaction, it's patronising and condescending, kind of making you the 'Little Woman' before he's even met you. You should thank him, he saved you wasting your time  .  As far as response time goes, if you're keen respond as soon as you read the message, even if it's just to say, "Busy right now, I'll call you later", and then follow through on that. Leaving someone on 'read' for hours is rude in most cases, so it's not a good way to start off a potential relationship. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Leave him alone--communication this early should not be confusing and weird. Major red flag. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

There are alerts I could turn on but I usually keep alerts on apps turned off. I just feel like it’s better for my mental health. 

Just make sure to stay more engaged if there's a guy who you think is worth dating

[Gebidozo]

You did replied to him within 24 hours. That is definitely normal and fast enough. He chose to be passive-aggressive about it, it’s his problem. Move on.

Also, I agree that calling someone “my love” so early is cringeworthy, though maybe he is from a culture where this is just a normal, casual way of addressing someone? Some older male Londoners address every woman as “love”, for example. 

 

[lemonicetea]

For what it’s worth, I checked the dating app again, and he appears to have unmatched with me. I wasn’t going to respond to him anyways, but he clearly isn’t interested in me. 

[ShyViolet]

You owe him absolutely nothing and he's a stranger to you.  With that being said, taking 24 to 48 hours to reply to messages will cause a lot of people to lose interest or to think you are flaky or low interest.  It's really hard to have a conversation or dialogue when someone takes 24 to 48 hours to reply to each message.  If you want people to stay engaged and be interested, you might want to consider being a little more responsive.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lemonicetea said:

For what it’s worth, I checked the dating app again, and he appears to have unmatched with me. I wasn’t going to respond to him anyways, but he clearly isn’t interested in me. 

Of course he did.  That was the whole point of his last message

[NuevoYorko]

His behavior is ridiculous.  Be grateful that he's outed himself as completely dismissible.  

I'm curios why you're even spending the effort to make a whole thread about this guy.  Not worth it.

[lemonicetea]

10 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

His behavior is ridiculous.  Be grateful that he's outed himself as completely dismissible.  

I'm curios why you're even spending the effort to make a whole thread about this guy.  Not worth it.

I just wanted to know for future reference with other people. I wanted to know how long is too long when messaging people on a dating app. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, lemonicetea said:

I just wanted to know for future reference with other people. I wanted to know how long is too long when messaging people on a dating app. 

Here is what l did. When l knew l was away for the weekend or a couple weeks on vacations l hid my profile. If l had already started corresponding with someone l would inform them of my absence. 

There is no set rules but if you are serious about meeting someone then you've got to be on top of things and not let people hang. Yes 48 hours is too long when you have started engaging with someone. Most people will move on to next and get tired of your 48 hr reply.

Normal people not getting replies within an acceptable time range will just move on peacefully. People that reply to you in a butt hurt manner are to be dismissed. 

Edited December 16, 2024 by Gaeta

[Georgia46]

Because you didn’t see and respond to his message straight away, he then sent an arsey one saying that you’ve saved him time… 

 

when in fact  he’s saved you a lot of time from getting involved with a entitled person like that. 
 

people have things going on and your world doesn’t revolve around messaging him back … 

 

lucky escape I think 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

I just wanted to know for future reference with other people. I wanted to know how long is too long when messaging people on a dating app. 

If you're going to be half-assed about responding, why bother at all?   If you like someone, engage with them properly

If you're chatting, and you like them, and know you won't be able to respond for a few hours due to work or a function, show them the courtesy of letting them know.  

Edited December 16, 2024 by basil67

[lemonicetea]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you're going to be half-assed about responding, why bother at all?   If you like someone, engage with them properly

If you're chatting, and you like them, and know you won't be able to respond for a few hours due to work or a function, show them the courtesy of letting them know.  

Obviously if I was having a meaningful conversation with a person who interests me, I will respond sooner. If I just sent one message to someone for the first time, in my mind it’s okay if I give it 24 hours without checking my app. My typical routine is to check it before and after work. Again, of course I will check it more if I have a meaningful conversation going on. 

Edited December 17, 2024 by lemonicetea

[basil67]

If your 24hr strategy works for you, then keep doing it.   If it doesn't work for you, then change what you're doing

[Esteban]

On 12/15/2024 at 6:17 PM, lemonicetea said:

There are alerts I could turn on but I usually keep alerts on apps turned off. I just feel like it’s better for my mental health. 

I tried a hybrid approach where I would turn the alerts on occasionally when I didn't want to miss something from a prominent match. Although sometimes if you have alerts on you have to get ads and other nonsense that isn't a message.

Another option I've tried is to regularly check 2 times a day at a certain time (perhaps setting an alarm so I don't forget).

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Esteban said:

I tried a hybrid approach where I would turn the alerts on occasionally when I didn't want to miss something from a prominent match. Although sometimes if you have alerts on you have to get ads and other nonsense that isn't a message.

Another option I've tried is to regularly check 2 times a day at a certain time (perhaps setting an alarm so I don't forget).

This is a good compromise

[smackie9]

IMO you dodged a bullet. Things happen for a reason, so don't sweat it. You did alright.

Edited December 17, 2024 by smackie9

[Els]

I find it interesting that with all the flak that Gen Z and millennials get for apparently being "tethered to their phones", you're being advised to do just that.

As a millennial myself, I still think it's totally fine to just check your app once a day. It's a good idea IMO to maintain those boundaries to prevent yourself from being sucked into excessive usage. Taking time off and breaks from your phone is healthy.

If you like that person, you could consider moving off-app to actual text messaging or something else that you actually do get alerts for. But the initial few messages really aren't the right time for that, and if someone is going to throw a hissy fit at that stage over your response time, it's a massive bullet dodged.

I also think that you shouldn't need to tell ANYONE, let alone a person you've only just started texting, if you're going to be busy for a few hours - I don't even need to tell my husband or close friends that when we're messaging. Again, the only exception I can think of is if there's a time sensitive issue, like if you planned to meet that day.

Edited December 17, 2024 by Els