My girlfriend of 12 years

[Melon5]

We have been together for 12 years now and we have two children one 7 and the other 5. She hasn't had a job since before our children were born or atleast not one she sticks out. Ive always supported her to stay at home and look after the kids but now they are in school i feel she could get a job only part time to try and help out abit, i pay for absolutely everything we need wether thats clothes/presents/school bits ect as i earn enough money to cover the house bills and more to keep on going but am i wrong in me still wanting her to get a part time job, She never had her own money and whenever it comes to the kids i dont mind paying because they are my kids, but when it comes to small things like something as little as getting a loaf of bread or helping with the childrens school bits she cant because shes in a overdraft. I dont want to start feeling resentful, when i try and speak about a job it ends in us falling out and her saying how she finds it hard because of her anxiety which she has never tried going doctors for help with. We want to buy our house and she says once we buy it and its decorated she will set up a business working from home but im not sure i 100% believe that will happen. I dont want to feel like an asswhole but not sure if im in the wrong or not, i guess i just want her to be abit more independent and not rely on me so much but i dont know if its right of me to ask that theres always things that she says she wants for the house ect and in the back of my head i think why dont you get a job then but then i think am i being mean? 

[basil67]

I certainly understand the problem, but there's a whole lot more information needed

Does she pull her weight at home?  (cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids).  What is she qualified for and will any earnings be substantial enough to offset the inconvenience?  Would you be able to care for the children while she's working, or would you need before/after school care?   If you need before/after care, how much would it cost in comparison to her earnings?   How did she get approved for an overdraft when she's not working...and how does she make payments on it?  Is the overdraft at the lowest possible interest rate?  Can you actually afford a mortgage and supporting the family on your own?  

 

Edited Wednesday at 05:33 AM by basil67

[MsJayne]

Why won't she seek help for her anxiety? How is she with socialising, eg; interacting with other mothers,  shopping, family occasions, and other areas where anxiety might affect her? Does she have friends or hobbies? Anxiety's usually/often part of a depressive disorder, so she should be getting some help for it. You're not being unreasonable, but it sounds like there might be something more going on. Is there any issue between you that she might be dwelling on? 

[Els]

So if she does start working outside the house, are you going to be splitting childcare and household duties with her, then? You'll take turns fetching the kids to and from school, getting them ready for bed and ready for school, cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping, so on and so forth? Or are you expecting her to work AND handle 100% of the childcare and household workload?

If you're willing to split the work with her, have you explicitly told her this?

Edited Wednesday at 06:30 PM by Els