Partner left me after 6.5 years. Not coping well

[Synthese]

We (34M, 33F) met in college and I liked her instantly. We were friends on and off for quite a few years before finally admitting our shared feelings getting together in our late twenties. Our relationship was the best and healthiest I'd ever been in. We were deeply in love and planned on marrying, had discussed where we wanted to purchase a house, and had made silly lists of names for potential children.

Unfortunately, after getting covid I ended up with severe health complications in early 2023. It was incredibly trying and I had many ER trips, hospital stays, and saw numerous doctors. She was amazing through all of this, driving me to appointments when I was unable, held my hand while I tried experimental treatments, was a shoulder to cry on when I was overwhelmed, even helped out financially at times due to the cost of medical care. We still had good times but I was quite limited in what I could do. We both kind of became so hyperfocused on getting me well that we neglected the romance and emotional connection in our relationship. I was put on a lot of meds and became very depressed and a shell of myself in the final months.

Four months ago she left me for another man. She tearfully said she still loved me but that developing feelings for someone else was the catalyst that showed her that she was lonely and unhappy. That she needed a partner who could go to things with her, take her on dates, provide more romance and intimacy.

I was totally blindsided, I knew the situation was tough but she had never expressed doubts about us staying together. I did not handle things super well and got very emotional, made every mistake possible. I tried to convince her we could work through things together. We had a few conversations over the course of a couple of weeks, but she became certain of her decision, got cold and distant, and told me she had been thinking about this for a long time. That she still loved me but that she felt more free now and hoped one day we could be friends. She asked me to let go. During our last conversation she said we should take some time to process and that we could speak again, but I have not heard from her again and I don't know if I ever will. We have not been in contact for over two months now.

I now see that she had an anxious attachment style and had truly burned herself out supporting me while I wasn't able to give her what she needed in return. She just had nothing left to give and no more fight left in her for us.

I am still so shocked by this and can't bring myself to accept it. I am conflicted because she was always so supportive and kind - there was basically never an unkind word between us - but I feel so betrayed and disrespected by the way she left.

I cannot help but want to reconcile and rekindle things between us but I do not really see any hope of that. Hurts so bad. Any advice is appreciated.

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. There's not really any advice that can fix the way you're feeling at the moment, but it will pass eventually, and you're probably going through the worst of it now because the break was two months ago, usually takes at least three before you start to recover a bit. Removing all reminders of the person from your environment is a good idea, and maybe find something to focus on to take your mind away from dwelling on the relationship too much.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry for your pain, OP. 

One thing to keep in mind is that there was obviously a big communication problem if you truly had no clue she was so unhappy in the relationship. I am surprised she never came to you and expressed that she was feeling lonely and neglected.  I get that certain struggles were obvious, sure, but for her to have said nothing about how unhappy she was feeling? Well, that says a lot in and of itself. 

You will get better, slowly. Right now you're still in the eye of the storm, so to speak, but with time will come acceptance. And with acceptance will likely come some clarity that perhaps this relationship wasn't that great in certain ways. It seems to have lacked true emotional intimacy and honesty, if this break-up really felt like it came out of nowhere. There were important conversations not being had, important feelings not being shared. A solid connection requires more sharing, even when those thoughts aren't what we want to hear. 

[Synthese]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am sorry for your pain, OP. 

One thing to keep in mind is that there was obviously a big communication problem if you truly had no clue she was so unhappy in the relationship. I am surprised she never came to you and expressed that she was feeling lonely and neglected.  I get that certain struggles were obvious, sure, but for her to have said nothing about how unhappy she was feeling? Well, that says a lot in and of itself. 

You will get better, slowly. Right now you're still in the eye of the storm, so to speak, but with time will come acceptance. And with acceptance will likely come some clarity that perhaps this relationship wasn't that great in certain ways. It seems to have lacked true emotional intimacy and honesty, if this break-up really felt like it came out of nowhere. There were important conversations not being had, important feelings not being shared. A solid connection requires more sharing, even when those thoughts aren't what we want to hear. 

Yes, I am shocked we never had a serious conversation about it. I think she felt very protective of me and didn't want to cause me further stress given what I was going through. And she did have difficulty at times communicating her needs clearly. It makes me sad because had she come to me with her struggles much earlier we could have worked through them together, or at least tried.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Synthese said:

I think she felt very protective of me and didn't want to cause me further stress given what I was going through.

And that could be true, too. 

It's too bad that it ended the way it did, but it's your sign that she wasn't the right one for you. The right one would at least have come to you and tried to work on the issues, because her goal would have been to keep the relationship together. 

Hang in there.