Cold approach is problematic, neediness & more

[SolidMoon]

It has low success rate. And when I do get a number/Instagram, I lose women eventually because of my neediness. I can't stand the uncertainty that if this is gonna become a relationship or get me laid.

I keep texting them or trying to ensure that the next date is gonna happen.

I'm 6/10, I think. I'm an average guy. I had one relationship via cold approach which lasted for 1,5 years and kissed some of the girls I've met via it but they didn't last long like I mentioned.

I'm wondering... If I was 8-9/10, even if I acted needy, this wouldn't cost me a lot, would it?

I try to cold approach but nothing's happening for the last 2 years. I just walk up to them and say, "Hi, I just saw you, you look cool, I'm not dangerous BTW so don't get nervous, I just wanted to say hi." If this simple line isn't working before me acting needy on the text, then does this mean cold approach isn't working? Or am I unlucky?

I don't know how to act within social circles and it takes a lot more time to get a relationship, right? Besides, the relationship isn't guaranteed out of it.

I don't have many friend to go to clubs with either.

Any advice? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO HARD & COMPLICATED?

I'm seeing a therapist and she says stuff like "Don't text girls too often, be mysterious, don't try to kiss them or escalate quickly, be friend with them first(???)", etc. How will things go from being just friends to being a couple?

Also, my biggest fear is this: What if I stay single forever? What if no matter what I'm going to do, I'll stay girlfriendless?

Help, please.

[Els]

Instead of cold approaching so much, why don't you fix the issues with your social circles and lack of friends?

Cold approaching is a terrible idea, IMO. I can't imagine how or why a woman would be receptive to a complete stranger approaching her out of the blue and asking her out. It would be a 100% no from me... even if he looked like a cross between Timothee Chalamet and Benedict Cumberbatch.

 

[SolidMoon]

37 minutes ago, Els said:

Instead of cold approaching so much, why don't you fix the issues with your social circles and lack of friends?

Cold approaching is a terrible idea, IMO. I can't imagine how or why a woman would be receptive to a complete stranger approaching her out of the blue and asking her out. It would be a 100% no from me... even if he looked like a cross between Timothee Chalamet and Benedict Cumberbatch.

 

Thanks for your response.

If I became friends with a girl, how will things go from being just friends to being a couple? Do you have any opinion on that?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, SolidMoon said:

If I became friends with a girl, how will things go from being just friends to being a couple? Do you have any opinion on that?

I agree about not being interested in a cold approach.  But I also wouldn't be impressed with a guy who used the guise of friendship to get me on a date.  Clubs aren't a good option because you can't hear each other.   With the guys I've met, we got in conversation at a party/pub/social event and then he'd ask me out. 

And being needy will be a problem even if you're really hot.  Is your therapist working on strategies to help you sit with your anxiety instead of reaching out for reassurance?  

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, SolidMoon said:

I'm wondering... If I was 8-9/10, even if I acted needy, this wouldn't cost me a lot, would it?

It would. Most women don’t like needy guys, period. And looks aren’t that important anyway. Personality matters much more.

 

8 hours ago, SolidMoon said:

I try to cold approach but nothing's happening for the last 2 years. I just walk up to them and say, "Hi, I just saw you, you look cool, I'm not dangerous BTW so don't get nervous, I just wanted to say hi." If this simple line isn't working before me acting needy on the text, then does this mean cold approach isn't working? Or am I unlucky?

Of course this isn’t working. This kind of approach is bordering on creepy. Any normal woman would be repelled by that.

At best, if you’re very charming and just compliment her instead of saying the horrible phrase “I’m not dangerous so don’t get nervous”, which sounds like a serial killer’s pickup line, you might make the woman feel flattered instead of wanting to puke and call the police at once. That doesn’t mean she’ll agree to date you.

I wonder who gave you this terrible advice to use “cold approach”? 
 

8 hours ago, SolidMoon said:

I don't know how to act within social circles and it takes a lot more time to get a relationship, right? Besides, the relationship isn't guaranteed out of it.

 

Nothing is guaranteed in life except death.

The more you want guarantees from life, the less you’ll get from it. Stop worrying about how you act and worry about who you are, what you are, and what you can offer to a woman. Then just be yourself, be open and sincere. If a woman likes you then, good for you. If she doesn’t (and most won’t, because most people don’t get attracted to most people, it’s simple math), no amount of tricks and fake behaviors will make her like you, they will just creep her out.

 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, SolidMoon said:

I'm seeing a therapist and she says stuff like "Don't text girls too often, be mysterious, don't try to kiss them or escalate quickly, be friend with them first(???)", etc. How will things go from being just friends to being a couple?

It’s possible that what she’s trying to tell you is to relax, be yourself, and stop projecting this desperate “OMG, I’ll never get a girlfriend! I’ll be single forever!!” vibe. It’s that vibe that is guaranteed to kill off any budding attraction in a woman. As long as you want to be with a woman simply because you don’t want to be alone, you aren’t going to have success with women.

Any woman wants the man to like her, to want specifically her. You’re currently deep within the desperate “I’d date any woman who’ll have me” mindset. This is a lousy formula, and one that women can smell from afar and be turned off by it instantly. A woman wants a guy who is independent and completely okay with being single, but is passionate about her and isn’t afraid of showing his feelings and acting on them.

Which means that everything your therapist told you should be applied to women in general, but not to the woman you genuinely like. Don’t desperately text, urge, and cling to some random girls, that’s creepy and pointless. But once you’ve met a woman you’re truly attracted to and who is attracted to you as well, of course text her, don’t be mysterious, and do try to kiss her when the time is right.

Oh, and of course don’t be friends with her. Pretending to be friends in order to have a romantic relationship with a woman is another textbook off-putting behavior.

[basil67]

@Gebidozo makes an excellent point about you telling someone you're not dangerous.  Please don't say this

[SolidMoon]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I wonder who gave you this terrible advice to use “cold approach”? 

I was watching some YouTube dating coaches. Cold approach worked once fully for me. It got me a long-term relationship (1,5 years). Then it worked halfly but not totally. And now it isn't working.

[Els]

9 hours ago, SolidMoon said:

YouTube dating coaches

Yeah, umm, you realize that those guys are just entertainers trying to get views, right? They're "influencers". And influencers are fine if you're watching them for the right reasons - entertainment, eye candy, maybe small things like picking a new restaurant or holiday destination to try. If you want actual serious advice on life-changing stuff, you go to a professional - in your case, a therapist who specializes in relationships. Don't use YouTube for finance, health, or dating advice.

[SolidMoon]

For the reasons of

- Being alone for 2 years,

- Being scared of the possibility of not finding a partner and therefore staying alone for the rest of my life

- Seeing the couples outside having great time, romanticism and sex

I have asked for help from psychiatry and psychology. I have used almost 15 meds, got ECT and therapy. 

I'm going to quit my meds with a doctor now because they aren't working that well and some doctors say that long-term usage of meds might cause bipolar, hypomania and mania. Also, they state that the so called chemical imbalance in brain is proven to be wrong. I have spent a fortune on these meds and doctors.

Now, I'm considering getting therapy one more time but this is also expensive and it isn't gonna get me girlfriend, obviously. 

Should I just man up and try to socialize? 

I'm 25 years old by the way.

 

Edited December 22, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[basil67]

I would imagine that if you could socialise, you would be socialising.   Perhaps you need more targeted help

Do you have a/some diagnoses?