riobikini Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 OK, -so I'm lonely. I'm not the kind of girl that has to be, -I could have someone here to take his place, if I wanted that. It would be so nice to feel that closeness with someone right now, even if I knew they didn't truly care. It would be nicer to know they did. But I want him. I want him standing in front of me, towering over me; I want to feel his breath on my neck and skin against skin. I want that electricity -that energy that surged between us- back. And I wonder if that kind of chemistry can ever be created with anyone else. I remind myself to make stark comparisons and tell myself this was only a small 'appetizer' and that the entre' is yet to come, -anything to minimize how enormously important and consuming it was. I may cry. I struggle with it. But, no, -I'm not going to call...or email...or anything. I WANT to, -I'm DYING to. But I won't. I've washed the car, cleaned the fridge, and dusted the varnish right off the furniture. I've done all my errands, managed to give myself a pedicure, and even thought about painting the walls. I've worked all the overtime my body can handle, walked a hundred miles in the park, and made it a point to extend myself rather generously to others, -but still, I'm lonely. My mind wants to go into this sneaky 'instant-replay' mode where I think of him and all of his 'wonderfulness'. I almost fall for it before I take it back and make myself think of something else....I win. But I am afraid of losing. If I allow myself to get sucked into the memories of him, I lose. So I guess I'll have to paint those walls, after all, -instead of just thinking about it. (Smile) -Rio "Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." -Henry Van Dyke Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Very poetic Rio. We've all been there, wanting them back, wondering if you'll ever find what you had with them again. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Rio -- I've read many of your posts, and I believe we are in very similar situations. Although I'm a bit of an introvert, Outwardly, I'm decent looking, open and friendly, and am successful professionaly. As a result, I usually don't have any problems with getting dates. But that "replacement therapy" isn't doing it for me. I felt such a powerful bond and an electrifying chemistry, that I'm aching inside at the thought of trying to find that again. To me, it is akin to finding yet a second needle in that huge haystack.... Like you, I view pining after her as losing something. But... as you also recognize, that bond and chemistry is just one course of what is supposed to be a multi-coursed meal... and we both deserve to have that full meal. That meal is out there. We didn't lose. We both got a taste of an important part of the victory that we will both achieve one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 NMS> RE: About the "replacement therapy". Human beings do tend to seek out the warmth of another person at some point. From this woman's point of view: I am no different in the 'needs' departments from any man. I WILL wind up sleeping with someone (I know me), -just to settle the 'needs' deficit. There will be no attachment; again, I know me. I won't feel as if I'm cheating, or go through any guilt either, because for me, sex is on the same level as water, food, and air. Love, on the other hand, is also a necessity but can be surrogated out, i.e. you can love your children, your friends, your family, etc. So the love thing can be satisfied to some degree with other types of love. Love exclusively between myself and someone else as life partners, is a precarious type of love which develops within it's own special cocoon and can be, -or not be. This is a necessary philosophy, because there will be times in my life that I will not have that particular TYPE of love. I tend to seek it out, though...and believe that, for me, it's essential. I will sleep with someone, -yes, but it won't be love. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
sick of it Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 i dont think i can do that. i could never imagine giving myself to someone without an emotional attachment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Rio -- It is painful to read your response, because I know that this describes my exgf as well, and in fact it describes me.... but to a point. Like you, I'll be be back in the saddle again before love because sex is a basic need. BUT.... I'm notoriously unable to successfully separate sex from emotional bonding.... (yes, I am a guy! lol ) What tends to happen to me is a series of very brief releationships as I am unable to continue with the sex when my heart doesn't start cooperating soon also. This continues until I find someone for whom my heart makes its way to my sleeve for. I am intrigued by some of the contradiction in your note.... You say that you won't get attached, and you'll have sex without love... yet you also say that you are person who tends to seek out that love. What happens to the men you encounter along your journey? Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 NMS, RE: Like you, I'll be be back in the saddle again before love because sex is a basic need. BUT.... I'm notoriously unable to successfully separate sex from emotional bonding.... (yes, I am a guy! lol ) What tends to happen to me is a series of very brief releationships as I am unable to continue with the sex when my heart doesn't start cooperating soon also. This continues until I find someone for whom my heart makes its way to my sleeve for. I am intrigued by some of the contradiction in your note.... You say that you won't get attached, and you'll have sex without love... yet you also say that you are person who tends to seek out that love. What happens to the men you encounter along your journey? Answer: A brief encounter for sex does not a love relationship make. At least, not in my book. I cannot, however, continue intimately for months with one person for the same reasons you describe: I do become attached and begin to form emotional links. It depends on whether or not there are some basic criteria in the person that matches the things I look for in a partner or not. If they have that, then I may be in trouble. That's why I keep it to a minimum contact basis, -or (Smile) -a 'needs' basis....brief. As far as what happens to them, -well, for the most part,they often wish it could continue, but I know better, and so do they. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 I think that this is what happened between my exgf and myself. What was supposed to be (in her mind) a brief relationship developed into a 2 year affair. In the end, we each didn't meet all of each-other's criteria, and it took those 2 years to end because we bonded emotionally despite the things that were missing. I believe we both felt that some of the missing pieces were overcome-able, but towards the end, there was an imbalance in how hard each of us were willing to work at it. Sorry for "re-purposing" your post. Back to the original thread.... I miss my exgf in very similar ways that you miss your exbf -- and I struggle with the emotions and the stong desire to get back what is now missing. I'm glad that you and the other posters are here. This is a great place to vent and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 NMS, Never apologize to me for saying what you feel, here. Just keep the thoughts coming and wherever they take us, it's where I'll follow. Say whatever you like, my friend, -in any of my threads. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Back2One Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Hmmm! At one time I wouldn't have hesitated to be recruiting the next one nite victim and not think a thing of it. Funny how things change. I do think that it would probably help matters some. But I also think that casual sex would tend to throw in a complication somewhere down the line that I do not need. I guess I'm in an honorable state of mind lately. I want the whole 7 courses too. The last dinner burnt though and i have to get the smoke out of the kitchen before I turn on the oven again. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Thas the thing.. i moved to america 6.5 years ago when i was 18...and i have decided to go back to mumbai , india...my home country....to be near my family..have a better life and take care of my fathers business..(thank god it has a lot of travelling involved)... i am going to get a life...a life that i saw my parents have...with family..friends...children.. i think i will find my mate if there is one in india... i think i will be happier and life will be less stressful in india.. i have decided to take my life in my hands and make something outta it.. a part of me is scared...coz althought i have open-minded parents...ill lose a bit of independance... a part of me is scared to leave..aldos express..louis vitton....prada.. but a part me wants a life now...not just designers luckily i found a way.... and the first time i even thought of going back...was when i went to an astrologer and asked what my future like...and she said v. happy...v loving and the first thought that sprung to my mind was a life in india Link to post Share on other sites
Back2One Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Why is it so hard to draw the stitch together and tie the end of it when it is so close to being exactly the way we want it? It doesn't take but a tug to unravel something that took so long to sew if you can't get the damn thing tied. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 coz we are used to it unsewed and once u tie it...its difficult to unstitch it and so although stitching it wud be the right thing...but u r still hesitant... coz everything is just a matter og getting used to... Link to post Share on other sites
Back2One Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 That was meant to be a so close yet so far thing. Almost perfect and then the smallest thing has the ability to pop it all apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 Back2One, (Laughing) What's right for me isn't right for everyone, and I emphasize that. My behaviour is simply the quantitive effects of my experiences. And it's what works for me. Posts from my personal experiences are meant only to give a particular glimpse into a different perspective (mine), which may be helpful to some when searching for a specific mindset, -perhaps similar to their partner, or ex, etc. It's 'live' research with willing guinea pigs, like me, who hope their experiences are helpful to someone. 'Someones' like you. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Back2One Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Oh not being critical by no means lady. God, I wish I could be my old self at times. I don't see anything wrong with anyone finding comfort by any means possible. Would love to have your mindset for sure. I have your attitude in here somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 Back2One, All was taken gently. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Back2One Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Thank You for the smiles. It is all a great improvement to be open here at a place where feelings fly freely. Keeping my head out of the sand is number one and today is a great day to look above ground. You are good! Keep me thinking Lady Rio. I'm pulling out for now, but I hope to see you tomorrow. NITE! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Isn't it great to be able to just say things how they are nad not try to sugar coat incase the person you confide in throws it back in your face! I love it here, in fact I am addicted to it here! Rio I wish I could be like you and just have sex for sex sake! I just get so emotionally involved once I have sex. I think that if someone has my body they have my mind! Damn I am horny!!!!!!!! ::sigh:: Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 Lishy: They only have a part of me, -until I'm ready to give something else. But a few times, -they managed to steal the rest of me. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 10, 2006 Author Share Posted January 10, 2006 Lishy, RE: Lishy: "Isn't it great to be able to just say things how they are and not try to sugar coat in case the person you confide in throws it back in your face! I love it here, in fact I am addicted to it here!" Yes, it is. It's a peculiar kind of 'therapy'. You gush it all out to strangers who become an important source of your support and encouragement to 'get better'. Not just feel better, -but learn something about yourself through the experiences and the advice of others. It helps to know they don't know you and that the perspectives given will, perhaps, be somewhat more unbiased than with people who know you well, have knowledge of your history, and who are more likely to have 'heard it all before', therefore, giving you the same ready answers, the same worn out, inattentive, unimaginative advice. Our closest friends tend to pay no attention after awhile, assuming they have heard all they need to, and can offer nothing new. But even if the answers end up being the same, here, -it's more valuable because it will help confirm the answer we should likely focus on. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
soar eyes Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Rio, sometimes like now. I just pull myself out of giving away sex thing. I got tired of not feeling. After the first few times they stop calling. Sometimes I feel like that organ has a way in causing me to justify the decisions to make me feel cheap somehow. I use to put myself in the position that if men can just f**k and leave, so can I. It worked temporarily until my womanly emotions came flooding in that time of month. I cried, thought about my exbf and cry myself to sleep. Its going on 3 years and I'm so tired. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 Soareyes, Subject: Having Sex Without Emotional Attachment After A Break-up For myself, I'm never 'giving' it away...it's all for me, (Smile) -that is, if I'm not in an emotionally-charged romantic relationship. I know this topic is stunning with the references to the actual emotions that lead to the decision of whether to go in that direction of having sex without striving for the emotional attachment, -or not. And it may also be considered a bit 'taboo' for some to discuss it, but it's still an issue big girls will encounter and have to make a decision about. I'll admit that my own personal set of background experiences and genetic influences do not produce behaviour that represents me as the Delicate White Flower of Purity that some like to associate in their idealization of how women should behave. And in no way, would I say I represent most women. I feel I had to make a point of the last two statements in order to continue. Now, -I would rather have someone IN my life than live ALONE. I would rather have that 'someone' be a 'Special Someone'. But I do not have that guarantee. I know there will be times during my life that I will be living WITHOUT a significant relationship with reciprocating deeply-felt love emotions, which is naturally demonstrated at some point by the addition of an intimate sexual relationship. I know this and I accept it. Yet, I am not bound by waiting for love to enter my life again, in order to have sex. To me, love is MORE than having sex. Yes, they certainly enhance each other, -but they are not so entwined that you can't have one without the other. There ARE special circumstances which allow it. Let me give you a personal 'for instance": My husband, many years ago, was very sick (he eventually died)...but two years before he died, the sex ended. I still loved him. That did not wilt, fade, become dust, -nor die. Love CAN survive (even thrive) without sex, given a strong foundation to begin with, and under certain circumstances. Sex, on the other hand, -we are all familiar with: it can happen WITHOUT the presence of love. After a break-up with someone you love, you may not 'feel' like doing it. That's OK. There's nothing 'wrong' with you. That's your set of background experiences and genetic influences at work. You're an individual with individual preferences and know your comfort zone. For me, there are no hard and fast rules. If I feel like it, I do it. If I don't, -so what? It's MY comfort zone. Everyone must find his/her own, -it's only when we go against our own knowledge of ourselves that we do the greatest damage. I truly hope something I've said here has helped someone. I know this subject is one rarely discussed but is on everyone's mind when a break-up occurs, -especially when you're wondering who the ex is with...or not. Take care. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
itsover Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I think one of the worst things for me when I broke up w/ my exbf was not only he was all-of-a-sudden gone...but everything was all-of-a-sudden changed. 3/4 of my time was with him for practically 2 years of my life. I had been living that way with him and then poof..I was living on my own and not by we butme. I was now sleeping in my queen sized bed by myself, watching tv by myself, making lunch for and by myself. It was like I was stupified and didn't know how to do these things on my own anymore. It was like I was lost. Has anyone else ever encountered these feelings after a breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 ItsOver, RE: ItsOver: It was like I was stupified and didn't know how to do these things on my own anymore. It was like I was lost. Has anyone else ever encountered these feelings after a breakup? Answer: Nearly EVERYONE! You find yourself feeling as if there's this really important 'something' missing, -except it's not a 'something' at all, -it's a 'Someone'. Someone who was there when you had your coffee, brushed your teeth, helped you carry in the groceries. Someone who listened to your silly complaints about the neighbor's poodle peeing on your lawn and helped you choose tires for your car. It's like being nine years old again and separated from your best friend, -except you don't even have the 'right' to stay in touch. Without the constant companionship you feel 'lost'. It dawns on you with impact when you find yourself doing things singly that you used to do together. If it was a relationship where you slept in the same bed together each night, it can be twice the hell to deal with. The things I've mentioned have become such a familiar pattern, bringing such a daily comfort, that it can be excruciating to suddenly live without them. It is unbelievable in your state of emotions right now to hear someone say that the moments of acute awareness will become less frequent, -but they will. Working through the loss is a process and your emotions are not unlike live tissue re-generating from a trauma that will take time and treatment to heal. It is important to treat it with the right 'medication' and you do that by reaching out and talking about it. Gathering supportive feedback from the experiences of others is often a necessary first step in learning to heal from any emotional pain. And you have done just that. I suggest doing some research about feeling the pain of loss, though, by using the search feature in this forum. Use key words to search for topics which relate to your subject and read as much as you can. I have become a huge advocate of this site simply because of the frankness, anonymity, and the access to tremendously helpful feedback from others just like you and I. Stay in the forum. And keep posting. Here's a hug, -you need one! And post as you feel the need to. You're gonna be OK....promise. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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