The Lonely 'Thing'

[itsover]

Rio,

 

I love reading what you post. You're so sincere to everyone and it's very comforting to know there are people (complete strangers to be exact), who care when they don't have to...they do it just because they can.

Thanks for the words. They really help.

[riobikini]

ItsOver,

 

You are welcome.

 

(Smile)

-Rio

[lexilas]

Rio - I've been reading your post here and there and I must say it's about time you vent (poetically or otherwise). You are always helping others - I had assumed that you were over the heartache and had moved on.

 

Keep your chin up!

[riobikini]

Lexi,

 

I'm running a bubblebath...gotta dinner date tonight...think I should wear something tight and red...-or something black and cut to there???

 

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Toronto]

Replacement therapy worked for me for about a month. Now I feel totally hollow and miss him terribly again.

[riobikini]

Toronto,

 

In a card my ex gave me once, it read:

 

"The remedy for love is more love"

 

I wrote this quote in another post here on LS recently.

 

I find it acutely ironic that he was the one who gave me the card.

 

The jest of the quote is saying that the way to heal a broken heart is by bathing it (you) in a sea of love, -not a tub, -and as much as you can get.

 

I believe it means that you , first, include love for yourself, love OF those around you, and love FROM those around you.

 

The most important is love for yourself.

 

I agree that finding someone immediately to begin a serious relationship with, is in most cases, an indication you may be only running from the hurt and the issues you need to deal with, and can be dangerous because it may become a pattern of dysfunction you begin use to with your future broken relationships, never really learning much about yourself, and growing 'inward', not 'outward'.

 

But I do believe that there is a time during your recovery to courageously, and sometimes, even violently, force ourselves to break free from feeling alone, sad, and alienated from the physical, sexual, and emotional need we humans have in wanting to feel warmth and and the touch of another and make a choice to be with someone.

 

In a healthy recovery it is a triumphant feeling.

 

The act has nothing to do with being in love with someone else, -it has everything to do with loving yourself enough to 'take back' your life and live it.

 

It gets you back 'out there' in social contact and re-orients you to the 'living' world.

 

It is not meant to be a 'replacement' for the love you lost...it is simply a technique of strong will to move on.

 

I realize the subject of seeing an ex with a new partner has troubled many during break-ups, -especially in seeing those who seem to have wasted no time in finding a new partner, but keep in mind that there are many reasons why certain people move at different speeds: the value they placed on the relationship, their personal background schemata, and perhaps, dysfunction in dealing with their pain.

 

Yet, unless you are catering to an already-formed dysfunctional pattern in denying yourself time to face the reality of your break-up issues, moving on with the help of a new companion (or companions) is quite normal and 'expected' behavior in moving through the process of recovery.

 

I hope this has helped someone.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Lexilas,

 

RE:

 

lexilas: "Rio - I've been reading your post here and there and I must say it's about time you vent (poetically or otherwise). You are always helping others - I had assumed that you were over the heartache and had moved on.

 

Keep your chin up!"

 

I have vented throughout the forum...and it felt very good to 'let it go'.

 

(Smile)

 

Here are direct links some of the posts:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=660751

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=660957

 

"I am not a flower to be picked, sniffed, then tossed away. I am a beautiful Sequoia and will remain here until I'm ancient and the beloved of many more than you".

-Rio

[riobikini]

One more VENTING post...

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=677360&postcount=53

 

-Rio

[lexilas]

Lexi,

 

I'm running a bubblebath...gotta dinner date tonight...think I should wear something tight and red...-or something black and cut to there???

 

Rio,

 

LOL! Sounds like just the right kind of medicine. Hope you had fun!

[riobikini]

Lexilas...Sushi, wine, and LOTS of fun!

 

And it was all wa-a-a-y overdue.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

OK, Update.

 

There's this really sweet, caring guy who is acting as the 'interim' companion.

 

He's intelligent, interesting, and is -well- capable of looking after my needs, for the moment, in a very basic sense.

 

It's nice.

 

But...(here comes the 'but') -I still think about B**.

 

It's annoying.

 

This decent, sweet new guy is knocking himself out trying to 'help' me make B** become just a vague memory.

 

He is aware of all the details, (we dicussed my recent break-up), and I know he's going to stick around for awhile to reap all the 'rebound' sex, (it's normally really hot and intense and most guys wouldn't turn it down), -but I really hope he doesn't start getting too attached.

 

I couldn't deal with it, right now, if he did.

 

It also makes me feel kind of guilty when I'm lying there with him thinking about B**.

 

And it makes me kind of angry because it also inhibits things for me, (you know what I'm talking about).

 

Pisses me off.

 

So I just do everything harder.

 

Anyway, I know that B** is probably doing the same thing.

 

We should both be envious of the people who are on the receiving end of our frustrations, as well as pity them some.

 

Necessary form of cruelty.

 

Just thoughts.

 

OK, -I've tied myself to the whipping post for this one, -someone care to lay in the first lash?

 

-Rio

[lexilas]

It sounds like "caring guy" is well aware that your still heartbroken and still chose to pursue you, so I wouldn't feel guilty for still thinking of the "ex".

 

As long as all is above-board, I say let the worries go and enjoy it for as long as it last.

 

Try to have fun and no worries - you deserve it. Don't you think?

[notmakingsense]

Rio,

 

I was that guy that you are now sleeping with. Otherwise known as a "transition guy".

 

This man, unless he is mature enough to really handle what is going on -- or unless he is a player like B** -- WILL get attached to you. Count on it. Otherwise he wouldn't be knocking himself out like he is.

 

Please, don't hurt him like I got hurt. Tell him that you already know he isn't long term, then cut off the sex if either of you develop feelings when you already know in advance it won't go anywhere. The earlier you cut it off, the better.

 

Refine your strategy for getting your "basic needs" met to include only those who have the profiles for not getting attached -- and/or to those who meet your long term criteria. Otherwise, consider sticking to a vibrator (or your non-man basic need meeter of choice)

[Lishy]

Oh honey dont stress yourself!

 

Just be honest with the guy - Brutally honest, and if he is happy to carry on as you are (which I am sure he will be!) Then just go for it and dont feel guilty!

 

Wayhayyyyyyy Rio is getting her oats!

 

Ps ..... I am so damn jealous!

[Lishy]

pps ......... Maybe you will soon forget about B** .. You never know eh!

[riobikini]

RE:

 

NMS: "This man, unless he is mature enough to really handle what is going on -- or unless he is a player like B** -- WILL get attached to you. Count on it. Otherwise he wouldn't be knocking himself out like he is."

 

NMS,

 

(Smile)

 

You are quite the therapist.

 

That's exactly what my 'other me' already knows all too well, -but the 'me' that is in LS gets to tell her secrets and speak her mind, muse over the decisions and abstractions, etc. and think it all out properly with some added brilliant insight, sometimes, from caring people like those found here.

 

This very nice man and I have spoken about B** and clarified our positions regarding past relationships and future possibilities, but -as you suspect, I also suspect- his inability to handle a transitional relationship.

 

I do not want to hurt him, -nor anyone.

 

I have thought about this issue off and on all afternoon.

 

I am seeing him tomorrow night and plan to, at least, re-clarify my position, and depending on the outcome, I may decide to cool it considerably, for his own good, -not necessarily for mine.

 

I thank you so much for your reply, NMS, -and the responses from everyone in the revival of this thread: Lexilas, Lishy...I read all your relies with interest, and appreciation.

 

Thank you, all.

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

Thanks Rio, and good luck.... This man is very fortunate to be in a transitional relationship with a person like you -- someone with sensibility and compassion. I wasn't so lucky.

[riobikini]

Update;

 

So, -we talked.

 

He says he is perfectly 'fine' with how things are.

 

I am not as sure as he.

 

I can already see attachment forming towards me, -the infatuation thing.

 

And that's only after seeing him 3 times.

 

This could be a mistake.

 

I am not ready for more mistakes.

 

I know what to do, -but dread having to do it.

 

It's best done very quickly.

 

And truthfully.

 

And politely.

 

Now, I'm already feeling lonely, again.

 

Damn! -I almost wish I could be someone who doesn't give a sh*t about anyone, and just have my fun, -but I would miss the part of me that I like best: kindness.

 

"Never mistake kindness for weakness."

-A Saying From My Dad, Since My Childhood

 

And he was right.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

Damn! -I almost wish I could be someone who doesn't give a sh*t about anyone, and just have my fun, -but I would miss the part of me that I like best: kindness.

 

"Never mistake kindness for weakness."

-A Saying From My Dad, Since My Childhood

 

And he was right.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

 

You don't want to be the person who doesn't give a sh*t. Even if you tried, you wouldn't be having fun anyway.

 

You might be one of those people who can't truly enjoy intimacy with someone whom you don't see more potential in. And you know what? That's endearing! Go with it!

 

I have posts on here expressing the desire to just go out and get laid without also getting serious. I'd love to be able to do that, but I never have been able to really enjoy the intimacy without also believing there might be more to it. Call it a curse... I don't know... I just don't fight it any more.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

You might be one of those people who can't truly enjoy intimacy with someone whom you don't see more potential in.

 

 

OK, NMS, I am not so innocent, after all, and I can't mislead you, either.

 

I am the kind of person who can enjoy intimacy without the emotional attachment, under just the exact same circumstances I am going thru.

 

But I am not the type of person to knowingly hurt someone -someone who is not on the same page with me in understanding that the intimacy we are sharing is only based on filling up the lonliness, -not trying to build a new long-term relationship.

 

I do not want a heavy relationship right now, -I can't, yet, handle the responsibilities of beginning a new one.

 

I am still dealing with emotions and resolving the last threads of issues that remain from this last f*ck-up.

 

Yes, thoughts of my ex do inhibit some things with the intimacy, but they will pass in time, and become just a vague memory.

 

Right now, tho, they are very difficut for me to deal with.

 

Right now, there are still some very deep emotions there.

 

One of the best ways to kill those emotions and make that memory fade faster, (for me personally), is to make myself move on.

 

I think I've dealt enough with the 'Why did this happen?' phase, -and probably analyzed it to death.

 

Now I just need to keep myself from looking back at all that and wishing stuff that I know will only continue to hurt me.

 

Here's the KEY TO MOVING ON, (for me):

 

We are all stronger than we think, -especially when we begin to really see and accept that the ex was truly never emotionally involved at all.

 

That helps in letting go.

 

We know we can do better than that, -I need, you need, we all need, -someone who can love us back!

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

RE:

 

 

 

 

OK, NMS, I am not so innocent, after all, and I can't mislead you, either.

 

I am the kind of person who can enjoy intimacy without the emotional attachment, under just the exact same circumstances I am going thru.

 

But I am not the type of person to knowingly hurt someone -someone who is not on the same page with me in understanding that the intimacy we are sharing is only based on filling up the lonliness, -not trying to build a new long-term relationship.

 

I do not want a heavy relationship right now, -I can't, yet, handle the responsibilities of beginning a new one.

 

For me, there is a gray area where I meet a woman with whom I think there is long term potential, but also with whom I don't want to explore that aspect with -- simply because I'm not ready. Its sort-of like saying: "you just might be someone for me.... but I won't be in to things enough to find that out for a while. I'm just looking to have some non-serious fun for now."

 

I have to be completely up front with women that come along in my transitionary phases... I have to let them know that in my state, I just may swing away quite easily given the ups-and-downs of my emotional state.

 

However, if I know in advance that there isn't any possibility at all, I find myself not even being able to fully enjoy the near-term fun.

[riobikini]

NMS,

 

Look, I am bound and determined to make the 'break' live up to it's name, and be what it's supposed to be.

 

I choose not to enter a fight for something that was so deceiving to begin with.

 

I have no intention of trying to reunite with the ex.

 

One reason for that is I figure this is technically his second chance, anyway, considering I met him and dated him a couple of times, then didn't see him for a few months, then began dating him again this last August.

 

So, he's had more chances than I give anyone, -normally, with me, you only get one chance, -second chances are rarely given, -and third chances have never been on the table.

 

Second reason for seeking no revival of anything with this person, is the very weighty fact that he has no feelings for me, and can't seem to grow any.

 

That pretty much kills any interest, for me, in pursuing any further contact in regards to a romantic relationship with him.

 

So, -no, -I'm not looking for another hook-up with him, -I know it's over- the trouble I'm having is just that I'm human and was born with this awful trait of forming real emotions and falling in love with someone.

 

And those emotions are like a hang-over, -they stick with you for awhile, -so I'm dealing with them in the same way you treat a hang-over: by having a little of the 'hair of the dog that bit you' by choosing a transitional partner.

 

I'll admit that my feelings were formed, perhaps, too soon, and perhaps, were present before I realized they were happening.

 

In any case, it was with someone obviously very wrong for me.

 

Still, I consider myself very lucky, -at least, I am able to feel.

 

A year from now, I won't remember what he looked like and maybe I'll have met someone, by then, who can feel, too.

 

One can only hope.

 

And all possibility of love does not die simply because it ends in one relationship.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

I'm right there with ya Rio -- about Mr B** -- My notes were talking about the relationships that we get in to soon after a breakup, and how far we get when we know they are just a transition -- and nothing else.

 

For me, I usually don't get as far as sex when I know there won't ever be anything more to it. From this thread, it appears that you can go further than I in this situation -- as long as you know you aren't going to hurt anyone.

 

Mr B** doesn't deserve any more chances, and you should be hell-bent on getting over it. You are doing all the right things, and it is helping us to read about it!

[ChaseYng2005]

Your poem has helped me sooooo much. Thank you. It explains exactly how Ive been this whole day.

[riobikini]

Chase,

 

(Smile)

 

None of this is poetry...maybe you got my thread confused with someone else's, -that is, unless you were referring to poetry of mine you found elsewhere throughout the 'net, -and if that is what you are referring to, and you recognized me by the photo beside it, -I am glad to hear that it helped you in some way.

 

Otherwise, except for the postings I have responded with in here, I have written no actual poetry in LS, maybe bits and pieces of random thoughts, perhaps, -but mainly just (hopefully) helpful advice from my own personal experiences.

 

But, if you thought my postings read like poetry, I am glad, -and I owe you a confused, -and amused, 'thank you'!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

 

P.S. There is , however, a poster who left poetry in here a couple of days ago. You might want to scan through the board and look him up and give him the 'thanks' you intended.