The Lonely 'Thing'

[jennifer1983]

Rio,

 

I have read through many of your posts and this one really felt like an extension of how I feel.

No matter what I do to get him off my mind(btw I am painting my walls), he is still there.

I know he is not right for me but that doesn't stop me from being in the pain I am. I could probably try to reconcile with him, but why? To temporarily stop the heartache? I could fight with him and plead my side of the story but if I know something so strongly in my heart why try to hold on?

I cry, alot. I think about him all the time, but I know this is what it is going to take to move on and potentially find someone else.

Til that time, I will paint my walls, walk my walks, and cry the many tears I have cried and the many more I am sure will be shed.

Thanks for your inspiring posts.

[riobikini]

Dear Jennifer,

 

(Smile)

 

Thank you for learning from my pain.

 

(Smile, again)

 

My own personal philosophy:

 

I can think of no better reason to have a heart , in any shape it may be in, broken or not, -than to share it.

 

It is not enough to know how to ride. You must also know how to fall.

- Mexican Proverb

 

(Smile)

 

I'm leaving a link for you below.

 

It was a post I wrote to someone who asked how to get rid of the painful ache of breaking up.

 

I gave the only answer I knew, from my own experiences.

 

Hope it's something you can use to get through your own heart-ache.

 

And take care.

 

Yours,

-Rio

 

Here's the Link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80777/

[riobikini]

This post belongs here, too.

 

Click the link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=699934&postcount=2

 

 

-Rio

[pisces writer]

You have the unique and rare ability to cut through the clutter and pretense in life and see reality.

I admire you. We should all be so open and adventurous. Life is so short and tenuous. I say go for it;)

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

Thank you PiscesWriter.

 

Now, for an update......

 

Ok, the transition guy is working.

 

At least, there are no big problems, -yet.

 

He is very active, and enamoured with -er, the extracurricular stuff, tho.

 

Much more than I expected.

 

Well, I can't really complain, -he is doing his job.

 

The thought occurs to me, that, during these transition periods when you (meaning 'I') have a goal in front of you to stamp out a particularly difficult memory of someone, -it becomes the perfect opportunity to re-invent, or experiment with new things...new things between the sheets.

 

So, I'm going with that thought.

 

So far, the new guy is all for it.

 

The thing is, (like I have complained about before, here), -once again, I have ended up being in the role of 'teacher'.

 

I kind of get tired of that, all the time (!), - and wonder how long before I am tired of the whole thing.

 

I hate to admit to that, -he's a really sweet and enthusiastic guy, -but I am so tired of being stuck in this role with the people I am intimate with.

 

-Rio

[jerbear]

Wow! Poem is excellent.

 

You are not alone. We are all here for a reason. We all meet either online or offline for a reason.

[Cricket]

Rio-

 

Glad to hear that the transition guy is working out!! Glad that he is up for the opportunity to help stamp out those memories. I certainly hope it works out well!!

 

It certainly does suck that you've had to take on the role of "teacher" though. Seems difficult here in K-port to find someone who qualifies for whatever role we need them for (transition, etc) and not have to teach them. Seems like it shouldn't be so hard to find around here. Hopefully Mr Transition fulfills his role before your tire of the situation.

 

Keep us updated!!

[riobikini]

Actually, Cricket, he's doing very well.

 

He's a very nice professional with an even temperament and a quick smile, -and he's so kind and thoughtful.

 

He offered to do some things around my house (repair a few things), and the thought occurred to me that it had been offered to me by someone else to do those things, (the now historical B** person), -but I never really felt as if he was serious, and besides, it didn't quite fit in with who he was, so, obviously, it never got done.

 

In addition, he spent so little time with me and seemed to always have something lined up to do, or somewhere to go so much of the time that I wonder where he thought he would ever find the spare time to dedicate to a home repair.

 

Now, -Mr. Transition is actually pursuing those small, almost-insignificant projects and it causes me to look back at the empty promises and meaningless comments sprinkled about from time to time by B**, and just magnifies what a bit of fluff he really was.

 

Anyway, I'm making him (Mr. Transition) dinner tomorrow night, (also something I enjoy doing which B** never had time for).

 

Another curious thing: I find it's also very boosting to be 'hit' on, lately. Before, it was just a bother. Now, it's really kind of nice, -and even nicer is the fact it's people who are at least ten years my junior.

 

I did smile to myself tho, earlier this week, when someone I could have given birth to told me I was 'hot'. Of course, I wouldn't pursue it, but just this kid thinking I was hot, kind of made my day.

 

(B-I-G Smile)

 

Happy Note: I find that the more time moves on, and the more I am preoccupied with other things and other people, the better I am doing, (-duh!).

 

I think I'm gonna be OK.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Mariella43]

Rio - I can relate..........

 

It's been 8 months since me and my ex split. We had a rocky relationship but truly loved each other it was just like trying to mix oil and water. I miss HIM but I have to ask myself am I just lonely and missing sex or am I truly missing HIM. Answer: Just lonely missing sex.

 

When I was with him everything he did turned me off. He oogled other women, pleased himself first sexually before he pleased me - he was self absorbed and narcisstic and not good in bed........

 

....so why do I miss HIM? Because no one else has come along to make me forget! Plus I'm 43 and starting new relationships and dating exhausts me just thinking about going thru all that again.......

[riobikini]

Mariella,

 

Transitioning from a relationship where significant emotional attachment has developed, by using a surrogate partner, is traditionally recognized as a 'male' thing to do, but decades of changing female roles have made that whole stereotype obsolete.

 

Women can, now, do what they want.

 

And if they want sex without commitment they can get it.

 

Choosing a transitional partner, tho, is not for everyone.

 

There are those who, because of background, moral beliefs, and other information contributing to the formation of personal choices, as well as those who know themselves well enough to know they are at risk for the development of sudden, immature emotional attachment, shun the whole idea of 'transitioning' out of a relationship where a significant 'other' was involved, and would never consider taking on a new, helpful (but temporary) partner.

 

That's OK.

 

Again, -it is not for everyone.

 

But for those who do choose it as a means to separate themselves from the memories of, often, painful familiar routines and patterns of someone they once loved (or maybe still do), -and choose to take a more aggressive role in moving ahead with their lives, it can work, if it is viewed for no more than it is meant to be, by both of the parties involved.

 

Both have to know the score on the board, -and agree to it.

 

Also, these relationships should probably not be kept for very long, -the reason, I think, is obvious: they are only temporary measures to begin with, for immediate relief of specific symptoms, -curing the sudden loneliness, the desire for human touch and companionship, -as well as for sex.

 

Yet, even the most experienced person with relationships runs a risk, in varying degrees, of becoming attached to a transitional partner, if the relationship continues indefinitely.

 

So does the transitional partner.

 

Knowing when, -and how, to part as friends is very important and should be discussed as part of the initial 'pact'.

 

There should be no aspect of the relationship, purposely undiscussed, that intentionally leaves a door open for misleading the other, and subsequently, beginning a cycle very similar to the original break-up that you started with.

 

So far, my transitional partner has, except for a few questionable moments in the beginning, played his role precisely the way he is supposed to.

 

He is supportive, helpful, understanding, and quite the caring fellow.

 

Not to mention, full of a few surprising, perhaps, teasingly wicked, and very delightful qualities.

 

(Wink)

 

I'll keep you posted.

 

Take Care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[fooled]

You're fortunate, Rio. When I think of sex, I still have images and memories of her. And don't have the energy to pursue a transitional partner.

[riobikini]

Dear Fooled,

 

I still have memories and images of him, too.

 

You don't take a transitional partner because you don't have them, -you take a transitional partner because you do.

 

It's helps to fight those images; it helps to makes them fade.

 

I still have emotions which are very alive, -but who wants to love someone who cannot return it?

 

That's an extremely lonely and painful place I simply do not want to be.

 

-Rio

[Lishy]

What I found hard to accept was that you could have all of these feelings, and spend so much time thinking about a guy who does not feel the same! How can these feelings be so one sided?

[riobikini]

Lishy,

 

Tho I truly love them, that is why we keep referring to men as coming from Mars and women from Venus, I suppose.

 

But there are some who come entirely from a different planet that we haven't, yet, discovered in our solar system, I'm afraid.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

 

Hey! -post something here and tell me how you've been doing, lately.

[riobikini]

Lishy, maybe this will explain some, about that query of yours.

 

I posted it in another forum recently, on the subject of multi-orgasmic women and how difficult it is to let go of the great sex, once you've experienced it.

 

Apparently, as we all are learning, -or have already learned, it is much more than sex that glues a relationship together. It has something to do with those feelings you are talking about, -but, (surprise!) -even more than that.

 

This post points out that trust is the essential ingredient, more than anything else, and that only one person being in love cannot carry the entire relationship based on the absence or presence of one fundamental, required word: 'mutual'.

 

 

Here is the post:

 

RE:

 

 

Quote:

Filarena: " doubt the change has anything to do with me having some great talent, as I was a virgin before her. I chalk it up to chemistry. "

 

 

 

It is the chemistry, -but it is also how important to you the mental image is that you have of them.

 

Chemistry actually helps form that image.

 

After the chemistry does it's thing, the mental image becomes the 'lead-in' to further details: it envokes attraction and lust enhanced by the chemistry.

 

And it's effect is so powerful that it is possible to describe it, as some do, as an 'euphoric' emotion.

 

It's also part of the reason why it is so difficult to let go of a partner, should the relationship deteriorate for other reasons.

 

Which brings me to a point: if it is possible for a relationship to deteriorate even with the presence of this chemistry and great sex, then it tells us, too, more about the big picture, -that there must be something more than sex involved in order for a relationship to last beyond the first panting breaths of lust, and even the 'magic' of chemistry.

 

Could it be really be mutual trust that leads to love, instead?

 

Go figure.

 

-Rio

[bendit]

I know the feeling well of needing another body next to you to fight off loneliness but that also got me to Loveshack...;-) I think there is something to be said for "being" with your loneliness and FEELING it and exploring it and discovering it and realizing it won't kill you. My discovery is that I never DID this...I always panicked and said I can't be LONELY! God forbid! And I went off searching for that 98.6 degrees wrapped in beautiful soft skin...But this time I am fighting, and it is a Fight, and feeling the fear and being with it and examining it and looking it in the eye and seeing that it is not as powerful as I had thought and that I can live with this feeling, for now, knowing that it won't be forever. I can be patient with myself and with life. And it has been enlightening to look loneliness in the face and face it down and realize it hurts but not enough to break me. Why go through this? TO LEARN...that you don't really NEED that other person..you only Believe you do.

 

 

regards

[riobikini]

Point well-taken, Bendit.

 

For me, personally, I know, that like you, that I can be alone and still be a complete person; I have already experienced that after the death of my second husband.

 

In having that information about myself, it makes me unafraid to appreciate the extra 'help' of having someone around as I work my way through this current break.

 

I realize I am fortunate (for lack of a better word or phrase to explain) in experiencing both sides of the coin.

 

-Rio

[Mariella43]

Rio.......I SOOOOOO want a "transitional partner" but as my perfect guy right now would appear at my bedroom window around 10:00pm - 2 to 3 times a month, we'd have mind blowing sex and then he'd climb back out my window.

 

I am not ready for a relationship - it takes so much work. I just want a transitional guy........ can you clone yours?

[riobikini]

(Laughing)

 

Mariella,

 

He does have enough energy for two, -but I'll see what I can do, -maybe he has a brother.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[hurtbeyondwords]

Im free at 10pm tonight! kidding:D

[riobikini]

This post belongs here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=81378&page=2

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

An afterthought relating to the above link:

 

Ultimately, it is we who are given charge of our own hearts and, if we are silly enough to begin pointing fingers at someone to blame for a broken heart, all we have to do is view our reflection in the mirror, which only doubles in unattractiveness with the,-already- down-turned corners of our mouth and the skinny finger just in front of it.

 

-Rio

[jerbear]

An afterthought relating to the above link:

 

Ultimately, it is we who are given charge of our own hearts and, if we are silly enough to begin pointing fingers at someone to blame for a broken heart, all we have to do is view our reflection in the mirror, which only doubles in unattractiveness with the,-already- down-turned corners of our mouth and the skinny finger just in front of it.

 

-Rio

 

Point taken.

 

I like the word mutual. I do miss the body next to me; yet on the flip side, I didn't sleep well the first week of her kicking me.

[riobikini]

jerbear,

 

Love hurts.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Perception is everything.

 

It is the changing, ongoing evolution of thought.

 

My brother, now the minister in the family, perceives me as being on the road straight to hell most of the time, -but still loves me, still cares.

 

When he was six years old, I tied my him to a pony (to teach him to ride, uh, -he wanted to), and sent him crashing through a thistle patch and up a small creek, -accidentally, of course. Somehow, during the riding lesson, he ended up with his head dangling underneath the horse's belly, feet still tied with twine string, screaming for his life.

 

My mother's perception of that whole thing was that I was trying to murder my brother. She would have been both right and wrong, according to her perception at the time, -it was possible that I could have, but it certainly wasn't my intention.

 

Anyhow, he lived.

 

My fifteen-year old niece, Steph, perceives me as a much too keen, and sometimes, pretty cool, aunt who has x-ray intuition and is often in the way of many of her best-laid plans. Still, she has learned I can keep a secret when I need to. Her perception of me only changes when it serves her interest.

 

My dad (now deceased), saw me as his growing reflection, which suited me fine, but made him more aware of all his bad habits, until he changed them. After his divorce from my mother, he took himself to some family property in the mountains, built a small cabin and stayed there for a winter, wrestling with a few demons, and hoping to leave with his own new perception of who he was apart from her.

 

He left with just that.

 

I am my father's daughter in that I try to be whatever I need to be to the people I love, too late, sometimes, but still....

 

My daughters see me as being pretty nontraditional, -maybe a lot lacking when compared to other moms, but a hell of a lot of fun.

 

I am protector, provider, caretaker, and just plain mom.

 

Their perception of me is based on their needs and their desire to receive love.

 

It's worthy to note that the needs of a child are so close to how we perceive our own needs in a very basic sense, -all we want is the comfort, the convenience, and the assurance of availability of someone to love, and someone to love us back.

 

But, even our depth of perception of those needs will, -though, perhaps- not so gracefully, sometimes, embrace many changes, many times during our lifetime.

 

I guess I am writing this out of a realization that, as time moves on, both our ideas as well as our memories do change regarding specific events and things of importance in our lives, -they ('they', being whoever is looking over your shoulder in your life), call it 'maturity'.

 

It may be, more likely, that our memory fades just a little, taking the bite out of the trauma, or making the chaffed emotional patches turn into small callouses so that when the rub comes, we can (almost) ignore it, -but whatever it is, it's always welcome when things go a little smoother, -our changing perception making it all possible.

 

As I work my way through my own recent break, I am conscious of how I view the details from week to week, noticing how my emotions change, along with my perception of the entire relationship, start to finish.

 

I console where I have to, suck up what I must, and forgive myself for anything requiring forgiveness. It's the best I can do, since I'm the only half of the break still talking to myself. (Smile)

 

The whole concept of evolving perception is a natural coping method, -part of the process we use to work through and reconcile any important issues in our lives.

 

It takes time and lots of retro-thought to finally form a little callous, which really isn't so bad, -since they show you were actually there, in person, dealing directly with all the trauma and chaffing, -and had to work really hard to get past it.

 

Nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't forget to show them.

 

Hope anyone reading this is perceiving a lot of things differently.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio