Is this abusive?

[DivineM]

My husband of two years and I are separated at the moment. He lives in my basement free of charge with his sophomore daughter, and he says that he cringes every time he sees me, because he knows I want to talk about our relationship. He never wants to talk about relationship issues or any emotional issues. He said that I have girlfriends for that. We have told our two 10th-grade daughters that we will most likely be great friends, but not husband and wife.  I am trying to adjust to this loss. It's difficult for me to forget how good we were together. I cannot seem to leave him alone to give him space. This makes him even more angry at me.

In the beginning, we connected, laughed, talked about important issues in the world and in life, had different ways of doing things, but enough things that were similar to make the relationship one where we could each grow and we thought we could keep respect and love for each other. One red flag in the beginning was that he told me he had a sexual sense of humor. But he did not let me experience it right away. We fell in love.  He later said that he wanted me to like him, so that's why he didn't engage in that behavior. But later, he couldn't stand it that he had changed this part of him, so he would make sexual jokes with other women, always getting them to look at his crotch area. I began to hate this. I told him so. He told me I was abusing him because I was shredding his character and saying that it felt like he was cheating on me and I didn't feel safe with him when he engaged in these acts. He also looks at dirty memes because it goes along with this sense of humor. Needless to say, it didn't sit well with me at all. It's not an insecurity thing per se, it's that I feel disrespected when he looks at other pictures of sexy women. I thought that when two people fell in love, they wouldn't have that desire anymore. Maybe I'm naive. Also, we play pool. And he had a habit of always looking at other women's butts with a smirk, a kind of creepy look on his face. I hated it. Again, I thought I was enough for him. He expressed his deep love for me but these actions did not make me feel loved and respected. Am I wrong? It doesn't feel wrong to me. When I tried to express my feelings about his behaviors, he would get very angry with me. He would yell that I was "shredding" him. It was horrible.

We had big dreams of travel after retirement. He has been making a career change for the past 4 years. He has not worked in 4 years. I work for myself as an editor and writer, so I work from home. He says that he is trying to get a job, but it's just taken so long. I understand that we were trying to blend our families and he was giving me and the kids a lot of his attention. But I never understood how he could only focus on one thing at a time. I feel as if he was using me in some regards. My daughter's biological father died years ago, and she has actually finally let her walls down around my husband. While this is nice to see (he also thinks of her as his daughter, which is also nice to see), I can't help but feel my heart broken (I guess, for me!). I had a lot of wonderful expectations of our love. He also said he would get health insurance for me and the kids, but it hasn't happened. I have been losing my belief in him.

He is quite a controlling person. When he was in his 20s, he used to beat many people up. He had a lot of anger in him for people who treated others badly. So, he has worked on himself and the result is that he has many walls up, not allowing anyone in, always trying to control himself. He has OCD and ADHD, I believe. The way his brain works is foreign to me, and he always thinks that his way is the best way. "Why doesn't everyone think like I do?" he asks.

I was always a very happy, upbeat person, who was head over heels in love with him. I feel he has squashed that spirit. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be allowed to be me. And yes, I know, he needs the same kind of respect and love from me. But we just don't seem to be able to get there. He gets so angry at me all of the time.

We have also been going back and forth between splitting up or staying together. Perhaps this is the time when we will part ways. But I don't want to. I want to go back to how we were ... in love and respect.

What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, DivineM said:

He lives in my basement free of charge with his sophomore daughter, and he says that he cringes every time he sees me, because he knows I want to talk about our relationship

There's a logical solution to this:  Tell him that he can either talk to you or move out.   You've got the upper hand here, so don't be afraid to use it

Edited December 18 by basil67

[basil67]

Also, get a lawyer so that you understand any legal repercussions

[DivineM]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There's such an easy solution to this:  Tell him that he can either talk to you or move out.   You've got the upper hand here, so don't be afraid to use it

That is an easy solution and I just said something to that effect to him today. He might move out. But we did sign a little separation agreement between the two of us, stating that he and his daughter could “rent” the basement until May, when the girls are finished with school. They can move out anytime, however. 

[DivineM]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Also, get a lawyer so that you understand any legal repercussions

Yes, I will consult with a lawyer. I don’t want to go that route, but I should find out what interest he would have in my house. It’s not titled in his name, only mine, so it’s separate property but there’s a matter of the equity in it since marriage. I actually think the value has gone down though. But I still feel like vomiting 🙄

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, DivineM said:

I want to go back to how we were ... in love and respect.

When, exactly, was that? When he was ogling other women’s butts and making other women look at his crotch? When he was unwilling to stop making you feel uncomfortable? When he refused to communicate? When he wasn’t fulfilling his promises and not contributing financially to your lives? When he thought his opinion was the only valid one in any disagreement?

You’re missing something that never existed. Something that you can still have with another man, though. Have him leave the house, stop trying to reconcile, and divorce this guy.

 

[DivineM]

On 12/18/2024 at 5:04 PM, Gebidozo said:

When, exactly, was that? When he was ogling other women’s butts and making other women look at his crotch? When he was unwilling to stop making you feel uncomfortable? When he refused to communicate? When he wasn’t fulfilling his promises and not contributing financially to your lives? When he thought his opinion was the only valid one in any disagreement?

You’re missing something that never existed. Something that you can still have with another man, though. Have him leave the house, stop trying to reconcile, and divorce this guy.

 

You certainly made me pause to think. That’s why it took me awhile to respond. It’s so simple, really. Wow. I wonder why I was so dishonest with my own feelings and beliefs. I thought this was how two people grow together? I think the biggest lesson learned for me is that I need to stay true to myself, realizing what I can and cannot accept. Otherwise, why bother? I return to your message here when I think about attempting even more reconciliation. Thank you for this. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, DivineM said:

You certainly made me pause to think. That’s why it took me awhile to respond. It’s so simple, really. Wow. I wonder why I was so dishonest with my own feelings and beliefs. I thought this was how two people grow together? I think the biggest lesson learned for me is that I need to stay true to myself, realizing what I can and cannot accept. Otherwise, why bother? I return to your message here when I think about attempting even more reconciliation. Thank you for this. 

Most of us have been there. I certainly was. I only started realizing what I really want, what’s really important and what’s not very recently, and I’m almost 50. We tend to rationalize and justify things and bend our beliefs because we’re afraid of losing something, and afraid of a truth that will hurt us.

It’s great that you have courage and integrity to face reality and stand up for what you think is right. That is something that will draw other people to you, that other people will always respect and appreciate.