What to do?

[an0nym0us123]

Over the past few years I've had more and more desire to have a family. I'll be 39 next year, time has flown by and feels like it's running out. I am a man and I know plenty men have kids in their 40s, even 50s but it looking less ideal with every passing year.

I have been seeing someone for over 2 years, problem is she won't be able to have a kid without ivf and no guarantee it will wor. she is early 30s.

She already has a child from previous relationship, to be honest it is basically a deal breaker for me to start a family with someone who has kids already, I don't want to be a step dad and there is usually an ex on the scene that causes nothing but trouble, as there is in this case. We basically just hang out couple time s a week when her kid is with dad, I've never played any role. We've had a few nights away etc but nothing major. She knows my thoughts on all this and we did actually break up because I didn't know what was right but we drifted back together. It's taking its toll on me and her as I know she wants a lot more from it.

The question is do I end this and hope by some miracle I'd find someone else who is childless. Or just accept I'll never be a dad and stay with her. It's made worse by the fact I'm 7th generation in the family business and now the only one who can create an 8th. May sound silly but it bothers me that it ends with me and I feel like all the work I do it's for nothing.

It's eating away at me all the time now I just don't know what to do. 

[basil67]

Another part of your equation is that fertility is not guaranteed.  You could break up with this woman and find another fabulous woman in late 20's/early 30's and get married.  Then discover that the two of you cannot conceive.   

Other than being likely unable to have another child, is the women you're seeing someone you can imagine marrying?   If not, then it's time to let her go regardless

[an0nym0us123]

Thanks for the reply. Yes there are so many things that would need to be right for it to happen. From where I'm sitting right now the odds look heavily stacked against me but its not impossible which leaves me wondering what if I tried one more time.

I'm not particularly enthusiastic about marriage with anyone to be honest. I'd imagine that puts me at an even greater disadvantage as many women want that security before starting a family. I've seen people turn against me in a space of a couple of weeks, who were claiming they wanted to spend there life with me. Safe to say I'm pretty wary of it now.

As for my current partner I think she would be happy with bf/gf for the foreseeable. If it wasn't for the kids part I'd be happy enough she is as good a person as I've met.

I'm honestly lost.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Thanks for the reply. Yes there are so many things that would need to be right for it to happen. From where I'm sitting right now the odds look heavily stacked against me but its not impossible which leaves me wondering what if I tried one more time.

I'm not particularly enthusiastic about marriage with anyone to be honest. I'd imagine that puts me at an even greater disadvantage as many women want that security before starting a family. I've seen people turn against me in a space of a couple of weeks, who were claiming they wanted to spend there life with me. Safe to say I'm pretty wary of it now.

As for my current partner I think she would be happy with bf/gf for the foreseeable. If it wasn't for the kids part I'd be happy enough she is as good a person as I've met.

I'm honestly lost.

My takeaway from this is that you don't want a wife and partner - you want a mother of your child.  That's not going to work, because if you're not committed to her and the marriage, it's gonna end.  And the best you'll get is joint custody

Why do you think people have turned against you in a couple of weeks?  What did you do before this happened?

[an0nym0us123]

That's not correct, I would be 100% committed. I'm wary of marriage as I don't want a ruinous divorce, I'm not saying never just I'd want to to 100% sure.

A relationship from a few years ago, I remember to this day, she told me how incredibly happy she was and couldn't wait to spend her life with me. Around 2 to 3 weeks later she left me for a friend. I've no idea what happened and I don't think I did anything wrong. I've never fully recovered from it.

[an0nym0us123]

Just to be clear she wanted to marry me some day and I said I wanted to marry her, so that wasn't the issue. 

[NuevoYorko]

One thing for sure:  I think it would be the honorable thing for you to end the relationship you're currently in with the single mother.   Her status as a mother is a deal breaker for you - you are obviously not moved to put that aside to be with her in a committed way - you know it hurts her.  

So why don't you clear that whole situation off your plate?   It would be much more fair to her, and also probably would open things up for you, mentally, as far as what to do next, relationship and family - wise.

[Els]

On 12/20/2024 at 3:41 AM, an0nym0us123 said:

She already has a child from previous relationship, to be honest it is basically a deal breaker for me to start a family with someone who has kids already, I don't want to be a step dad

This makes everything else irrelevant. If you don't want to be a step dad to her child, you should not be considering being in a LTR or marriage with her AT ALL. It's unfair to her, and most importantly it's unfair to the child.

On 12/20/2024 at 3:41 AM, an0nym0us123 said:

It's made worse by the fact I'm 7th generation in the family business and now the only one who can create an 8th.

Sorry, but this is a ridiculous reason to have a child. Kids aren't blank slates that you can just write your wants and desires onto, they aren't your possessions, their lives don't belong to you. If you do have a child, you need to accept that they might not want to inherit your business and they might want to actually have a life of their own. If you can't accept this, don't have them.

[an0nym0us123]

3 hours ago, Els said:

This makes everything else irrelevant. If you don't want to be a step dad to her child, you should not be considering being in a LTR or marriage with her AT ALL. It's unfair to her, and most importantly it's unfair to the child.

Sorry, but this is a ridiculous reason to have a child. Kids aren't blank slates that you can just write your wants and desires onto, they aren't your possessions, their lives don't belong to you. If you do have a child, you need to accept that they might not want to inherit your business and they might want to actually have a life of their own. If you can't accept this, don't have them.

Totally valid point, they may not want anything to do with it. Its still a 7 figure assest that could be sold the day it was theirs, most people are quite happy inheriting things, even if they sell and put it towards their own life.

 

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Totally valid point, they may not want anything to do with it. Its still a 7 figure assest that could be sold the day it was theirs, most people are quite happy inheriting things, even if they sell and put it towards their own life.

 

 

Some people believe that accumulation and inheritance of great wealth within one family is a fundamentally bad thing. Don’t be surprised if your kids won’t even be interested in the money. Many people want to live their own lives and not be burdened by feelings of duty, debt, gratitude and guilt because they were born with a golden spoon in their mouth.

But that is beside the point. If you really can’t accept being with a woman who has kids of her own, don’t even think of marrying her. That would be very harmful to her, the kid, and ultimately you as well.

[an0nym0us123]

Thanks for the replies. My gut tells me I should probably end things with the woman I'm currently seeing, however it also tells me it will be a complete waste of time, and in 5 years time I still won't have met anyone to settle down with. I made a lot of mistakes in my life and they are coming back to haunt me, I guess I just have to take responsibility for it, although it wasn't all my fault. 

 

 

[basil67]

To be fair, if you're scared to marry and you live in a country/state which doesn't recognise defacto marriages, a woman would be nuts to have a child with you.   Perhaps this  woman who will never need your support while raising children is actually a really good option

Edited December 28, 2024 by basil67
typo

[an0nym0us123]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, if you're scared to marry and you live in a country/state which doesn't recognise defacto marriages, a woman would be nuts to have a child with you.   Perhaps this  woman who will never need your support while raising children is actually a really good option

I don't know why it's such a big deal, literally half the people I know who have kids aren't married and are together. I think more of the un married ones are together than the married ones tbh

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I don't know why it's such a big deal, literally half the people I know who have kids aren't married and are together. I think more of the un married ones are together than the married ones tbh

Are defacto partnerships recognised under the country/state laws where these people live?  If so, then you're right, marriage is not a big deal.

As it so happens, my partner and I are also defacto with two kids.  But  haven't worked for many years because I'm carer to our disabled adult son.  If my contributions as carer/homemaker were not recognised by local laws, I'd be at risk of being homeless if we broke up.   Financial security really is a big deal

[MsJayne]

You sound like you have very traditional values, in which case it's unlikely you're ever going to be a willing step-parent so it's probably time to end the half-in-half-out thing you're involved in as you're really just wasting this woman's time and using her to fill a void in your life. How would you feel about raising another man's child if, for instance, your GF was a widow and her child was fatherless? Would that make a difference? Or is it solely to do with your values? You're at the perfect age to find the right woman for the job, so my advice is to by-pass women who don't share your values or who have existing family obligations that don't align with your vision for your future. There are millions of women of child-bearing age who are right now watching their biological clock ticking towards midnight but who choose not to have children without long-term commitment and security, so there's no shortage of contenders. If you're well off and worried about being financially reamed one day in the future you should be approaching relationships from a risk-aversive angle. I'd advise on that, but sorting good women from gold-diggers is a whole other topic. 

[an0nym0us123]

I just don't feel I'm the right guy to step parent. I honestly don't think I could deal with the real dad, who in my experience will do everything to undermine the relationship. To be clear my current partner knew the score from day one and I've never lead her a long, in fact I've told her many times she'd be better with someone more willing to be involved in her kids life. I always said people with kids should date people with kids and those without date those without. That way its more equal but everyone has their own opinion. 

She has never asked me to be a step dad, if I didn't want kids myself we could probably continue, and she has said she'd be happy with that. 

She is a good person and it's just a sad situation all round.

50% of women aged 30 don't have children, you would think there would be a decent pool to work with. I also know many women want to settle at that age but all they find his men who want casual. They also don't want men who have been married or had kids either. You would have thought I'd have a chance but I gave up dating years ago as I was just getting jerked around. 

 

 

 

[an0nym0us123]

I know men become dad's a lot older than me. My grandfather was 44 when my dad was born, I think 45ish is sort of the cut off and it becomes less than ideal after and I don't want to be having any later than that.

Keep reading that after 40 there's increased risk of autism and birth defects etc which is hardly encouraging, even though all the older dads I know have healthy children.

It's honestly depressing 

[basil67]

Yes, your goals are certainly conflicting.  It's time to write down all your perceived pros and cons and make a decision for your future

[an0nym0us123]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, your goals are certainly conflicting.  It's time to write down all your perceived pros and cons and make a decision for your future

Even if I could accept being a step dad, she had a health problem when she was younger and only chance now of conceiving would be with ivf and its only a chance.

It seems I have to either accept I won't have a family or I need to leave, and there's a tiny chance things turn out. I've wrestled with it for a long time now it's taking its toll on me

Edited December 29, 2024 by an0nym0us123

[basil67]

8 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Even if I could accept being a step dad, she had a health problem when she was younger and only chance now of conceiving would be with ivf and its only a chance.

It seems I have to either accept I won't have a family or I need to leave, and there's a tiny chance things turn out. I've wrestled with it for a long time now it's taking its toll on me

If these things are the dealbreakers you say they are, why have you wasted two years with her?   Does she know how you feel?   If so, why is she still with you?