Unsure if love is enough to stay

[AD11]

Me (30m) and my fiance (f29) have been together 5 years. We have honestly had the best 5 years ofcourse some ups and downs but I would say we have a caring and loving relationship.

We bought a house together and have been living here 2 years. The first year we had done some travelling so didn't spend much time in the house and really enjoyed travelling together,  6 months together 24/7 and almost no arguments. 

Fast forward to this year, my job requires me to be away for course Monday to Friday and home at the weekends. In January I was away for 2 weeks but home each weekend , March I was away 2 weeks and we have to rebook and change a holiday we had planned due to my work. From May 26th to July 27th I was away Monday to Friday and home at weekends. However this was an extremely tough time for us as we live in an area where she had no friends and works remotely so when I was away she was basically fully alone. Her family being 3 hours away.

During this time Jan to now she has become more aggressive when we argue. She has always been vocal and didn't mind talking this out but this year there has been a change. She has pushed me on the bed by my neck, thrown the wireless keyboard off her desk on top of me ( hit my head as i was lying down near her work desk) she has pushed me a couple of times, she has also pushed me off the couch with her foot( a kick with the bottom of her foot while she was stretched out on couch), and also sat on top of me while in bed while I was lying down and roared nto my ear, and more recently hit me across the face with a pillow. 

 

I love her very much and she loves me, there has been months between these incidents but I'm at a crossroads . She has never hurt me and I know she wouldn't but her actions are aggressive and physical abuse.

I dont want to end a 5 year relationship and break off an engagement either as I don't see my life without her. She is the best in the world and my best friend 95% of the time. She did a couple months of therapy and everything was great and then she went along and hit me with a soft pillow across the face.

My job will not require me to be away anymore but I'm still upset with this year in parts although we had may amazing memories too.

I'm at a crossroads.

Edited December 20, 2024 by AD11

[basil67]

I completely understand her frustration, but physical abuse is never OK.  If having an absent fiance wasn't working for her and you wouldn't change jobs, her correct response would have been to end the relationship with you.   Even though she's calm again now, she will start it up again next time she's mad at you.

[AD11]

@basil67 we have have arguments apart from those ones and some over the years and she has never been violent. So I am unsure if she is an abuser or is it because of this year and my job and her loneliness that has caused this.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, AD11 said:

@basil67 we have have arguments apart from those ones and some over the years and she has never been violent. So I am unsure if she is an abuser or is it because of this year and my job and her loneliness that has caused this.

If she was so very unhappy with your work and was not an abuser, she would have asked you to change jobs.  If you refused she would have nagged you and/or left you.    

But instead she chose to abuse you

[AD11]

Yes you're right I really don't know what to do as I love her so much.

[Gaeta]

I see 2 sides to this story.

1. You say you love her more than anything, you know she's in emotional distress but you will not take the one step she needs you to take.

2. She's at the end of her rope. She is becoming abusive and agressive, she's unhappy and miserable but she will not take the one step she needs to take.

You 2 are at a crossroad. About you go to counselling to figure that one out.

 

[AD11]

Kick on couch:So we had been talking for ages about something for an event we were having. Picking music for an event. I kept putting it off for about 2 weeks. She said it was something she really wanted to have booked an organised. Eventually we were getting around to it and set an evening to do it, I made plans to meet my brother so we didnt do it. The next evening we were sitting down on the couch , she was lying with her legs against my hip as i was sitting upright. She said she was annoyed i made plans the day before after promising for weeks we would put an evening aside. I told her it wasnt a big deal and we would eventually do it. She got kinda of mad but wasnt shouting and said it was the only thing i asked of you for two weeks and its still not done and pushed her legs out right and in that motion with the bottom of her foot kicked my hip. It was not hard or like kicking a football or open leg swing while standing. I got up and said you just kicked me and left the room. She followed me and apologised saying she didnt mean it like that more so to just get me off the couch. She went back to the sitting room and i came down later and forgave her and we watched a movie. I was still annoyed though

The push on the bed by the neck, it was a weekend i was back from being away. She was asking me questions that i didnt want to answer , question was if id be away again soon, i knew i would be. She kept asking and i stood leaning against the bed. After about 4 times of her asking the same question and me not replying she pushed me back onto the bed and left the room. She did apologise after.

The hitting with soft cushion. We were on our bed i was laying down she was sitting. She was quizzing me about my ex and being annoying. I told her " i should have picked her instead of you" , i didnt mean this ofcourse i just wanted her to stop. When i said i she picked thr cushion off the bed and hit me with it across thr face twice and left the room upset. She did apologise but said she was annoyed i said that to her.

The keyboard incident. We had been together 4.5 years , i knew we were on thr road to getting engaged. She wanted to be as she felt she waited along time and waited alot for me. After our first year together i was away for work for 7 months and she waited. Anyways we were sitting on the bed and she was sayimg she feels overlooked because of my job and waiting 4.5 years for proposal. She started digging at me abd got mad. I then said "we will never get married anyways" , i shouldnt have said this but i wanted to hurt her in thst moment as she was being nasty. When she got mad she got up and left the room. She then realised she had left her wallet on her work desk and came back in. I was lying on the bed, like 2 feet from her desk, she cleared the table with her hand , well just the keyboard and it hit thr top of my head. She left for the day and came back that evening and we made up.
 

Edited December 20, 2024 by AD11

[Gebidozo]

You refused to answer a completely normal questions regarding your absence. You told her you should’ve picked your ex instead of her (!). Then you told her you’ll never marry her just in order to hurt her. It’s not surprising that she reacted with anger. Anyone would.

She shouldn’t have hit you, but I think she should leave you. You aren’t showing her enough care and respect. 

[AD11]

@Gebidozo I admit I have added fuel to the fire. I know its my relationship but I'd love to know if most men would end an other wise really good relationship over those incidences. Abuse is abuse but then I'm not sure. She honestly is the best in the world so I'm really confused.

I really love her and I know she loves me as she has sacrificed so much for us. 

I know it's hard to ignore genders here but I think that's what's wanting me to consider staying as I'm not afraid or threatened by her. I know that sounds silly. I would not expect her to take that treatment from me though.

[AD11]

its weird because in all of this I still don't see her as a violent person or really an abuser although I'm aware it is classed as abuse.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, AD11 said:

She said it was something she really wanted to have booked an organised. Eventually we were getting around to it and set an evening to do it, I made plans to meet my brother so we didnt do it.

Funny, we have a lady that posted the same story from her point of view.

[AD11]

@Gaeta do you know when this post was made or maybe I shouldn't pry on that

[Gaeta]

Just now, AD11 said:

@Gaeta do you know when this post was made or maybe I shouldn't pry on that

I am searching for it and l will link it.

[AD11]

@Gaeta maybe don't respond to my last question just incase it was her. That's her business. Do you think this relationship is salvageable from the incidences I've wrote about and the contexts?

[Gaeta]

Just now, AD11 said:

@Gaeta maybe don't respond to my last question just incase it was her. That's her business. Do you think this relationship is salvageable from the incidences I've wrote about and the contexts?

Ok, that's very honorable of you, l won't link it. Just going by memory she recognized the bad treatment she inflincted on you, and recognized her short temper and how toxic it got. She is capable of self reflection so l'd say yes it's salvageable but you both need to make this relationship a priority. She felt neglected and your thread confirms she is.

I don't like she resorts to being physical. Even if she does not *hurt* you. It's still her not having control over her emotions. To me, if she can't control her temper when she's mad at you then how will she control her temper with children, if you plan on having kids. Children will push us over our limits on regular basis. Would she resort to aggressions. That would be the question in my mind if l were you.

[AD11]

@Gaeta thank you. I just still don't see her as a violent person although she has done those things? Maybe its because i wasnt afraid or she didnt hurt me. Im not sure what your status is but do you think your partner would leave 5 years over this? Or am I being silly by staying when it's mostly so good. 

The incident with shouting in my ear was 1st October and she went to therapy for a couple of months. Then just 2 days ago was the cushion incident so I'm not sure.

Edited December 20, 2024 by AD11

[Gaeta]

I think you're not seeing the big picture. 

Those are micro agressions, they are still agressions. She may not hurt you but she *choses*  to hurt you physically. If a girl did that to your 20 year old son, how would you feel about it? What if it was done to your mother by a boyfriend?  It changes the perspective right?

I'm curious how you react to her when she does this?

No one will judge you for staying but she needs therapy. 

You also need to look in your own actions. I would leave a man telling me he should have picked his ex over me. 

[Els]

Physical abuse is obviously wrong and if you want to end the relationship for that reason, that's 100% valid and probably a good idea.

That being said, the situation that you two have put her in is also not sustainable. It sounds like she moved 3 hours away from her family and friends in order to live with you, is this correct? And in addition to that, you're just not around most of the time. Most people can deal with 1 of those 2 things, but having both simultaneously for long periods of time is incredibly isolating and would damage almost anyone's mental health and relationship. It doesn't excuse abuse, and she should have called it quits before hitting you, but it doesn't change the fact that there's no way that this would have ended well.

If you do stay in the relationship, she needs therapy for anger management, and you need to make a compromise to either find a different job where you are home more, or she lives with her friends and family 3 hours away and you go there when you are back from work on weekends.

Edited December 20, 2024 by Els

[basil67]

7 hours ago, AD11 said:

Kick on couch:So we had been talking for ages about something for an event we were having. Picking music for an event. I kept putting it off for about 2 weeks. She said it was something she really wanted to have booked an organised. Eventually we were getting around to it and set an evening to do it, I made plans to meet my brother so we didnt do it. The next evening we were sitting down on the couch , she was lying with her legs against my hip as i was sitting upright. She said she was annoyed i made plans the day before after promising for weeks we would put an evening aside. I told her it wasnt a big deal and we would eventually do it. She got kinda of mad but wasnt shouting and said it was the only thing i asked of you for two weeks and its still not done and pushed her legs out right and in that motion with the bottom of her foot kicked my hip. It was not hard or like kicking a football or open leg swing while standing. I got up and said you just kicked me and left the room. She followed me and apologised saying she didnt mean it like that more so to just get me off the couch. She went back to the sitting room and i came down later and forgave her and we watched a movie. I was still annoyed though

The push on the bed by the neck, it was a weekend i was back from being away. She was asking me questions that i didnt want to answer , question was if id be away again soon, i knew i would be. She kept asking and i stood leaning against the bed. After about 4 times of her asking the same question and me not replying she pushed me back onto the bed and left the room. She did apologise after.

The hitting with soft cushion. We were on our bed i was laying down she was sitting. She was quizzing me about my ex and being annoying. I told her " i should have picked her instead of you" , i didnt mean this ofcourse i just wanted her to stop. When i said i she picked thr cushion off the bed and hit me with it across thr face twice and left the room upset. She did apologise but said she was annoyed i said that to her.

The keyboard incident. We had been together 4.5 years , i knew we were on thr road to getting engaged. She wanted to be as she felt she waited along time and waited alot for me. After our first year together i was away for work for 7 months and she waited. Anyways we were sitting on the bed and she was sayimg she feels overlooked because of my job and waiting 4.5 years for proposal. She started digging at me abd got mad. I then said "we will never get married anyways" , i shouldnt have said this but i wanted to hurt her in thst moment as she was being nasty. When she got mad she got up and left the room. She then realised she had left her wallet on her work desk and came back in. I was lying on the bed, like 2 feet from her desk, she cleared the table with her hand , well just the keyboard and it hit thr top of my head. She left for the day and came back that evening and we made up.
 

I rescind my statement that she's abusing you because you wildly misrepresented all the situations (I assume to get a reaction from us)

What I can say is that you sound extremely uncooperative and are certainly not a team player.  Your behaviour is not the kind which exists in a good partnership and I can see that she's terribly frustrated with you.  Why do you think it's OK to stonewall her and not answer her questions?

[Lauriebell82]

4 hours ago, AD11 said:

@Gaeta thank you. I just still don't see her as a violent person although she has done those things? Maybe its because i wasnt afraid or she didnt hurt me. Im not sure what your status is but do you think your partner would leave 5 years over this? Or am I being silly by staying when it's mostly so good. 

The incident with shouting in my ear was 1st October and she went to therapy for a couple of months. Then just 2 days ago was the cushion incident so I'm not sure.

Well I think that's pretty normal actually. It's also normal to not want to leave the relationship when violence occurs! I am  a therapist in my professional career and I specialize in treating those with trauma and one of the issues I specialize in is those struggling in domestic violence situations. I have counseled victims of physical and emotional abuse and even done couples counseling with their partner. It's really common for couples to want to work things out-you are attached after all! Therapy (IMO) for a few months isn't going to be enough. It takes YEARS AND YEARS to recover from trauma that causes such violence to occur within the context of an intimate relationship. What I would suggest to you is that you ask her to get herself back in indivividual counseling, you get in individual counseling yourself AND you guys do couples counseling (and find someone who specializes in domestic violence). Like it or not you are in an abuse relationship, there is a pattern and it would benefit you to figure it before you walk down the isle. Marriage doesn't fix anything, it makes it 100 times worse. Trust me on that, as I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse. There are posts on here about my ex husband from back in the day and he only got worse after we were married. Never "violent" in the traditional sense but his control and emotional abuse was off the charts. Good luck to you and I really hope you can do some self discovery prior to marriage! 

Edited December 20, 2024 by Lauriebell82

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, I would immediately end the relationship with a woman who hit me or threw things that hit me.

Doesn't matter how much I "love": her. Note: losing that "love" will come with tons of relief as I escape a dysfunctional, violent, abusive relationship.

You have an immature view of "love." Love doesn't solve the problem of violence. 

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, AD11 said:

I'd love to know if most men would end an other wise really good relationship over those incidences.

I obviously can’t speak for most men, but I would end a relationship if it looked like yours, yes. Not so much because of her violent reaction, but because of the apparent lack of mutual understanding, severe communication problems, and above all whatever compelled me to say those awful things to her. 

 

11 hours ago, AD11 said:

I really love her and I know she loves me as she has sacrificed so much for us. 

I wouldn’t say those things you said to a woman I loved. 

[AD11]

We have both decided to try and be better. We are staying together, I have forgiven her and she has also forgiven me for my comments during the arguments. 

 

I know we have had a couple of incidences but I don't want to give up our 5 year relationship. Everyone makes mistakes and people do say things they dont mean in anger.

 

I don't feel her violence will escalate. If my biggest worry is a hit with a pillow or a push onto a bed in our 5 years then I'm OK. We are all human and sometimes we allow frustration to take over.

 

All relationships take a certain amount of forgiveness.

 

Thank you for all of your advice and comments. I do appreciate all of your points of view and I have taken on board many points.