Am I Asking Too Much? 22F, 5-Month Relationship with 22M) with Tl;DR

[stankabananka]

 I (22F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (22M) for 5 months. We met through a mutual friend who is married. She liked him and said a lot of things about me, so neither of us is on good terms with her anymore.

I study 100 km away from our hometown, while he works and coaches twice a week. He also has tonic-clonic epilepsy.

The problem is this: during the first month of dating, everything was fine, but our outings were always just coffee dates. I didn’t mind it at all at first. The second month was the same—we saw each other two to three times a week, but only went for coffee. After the third month, it stayed the same—coffee dates in the same café as always.

I live 10 minutes away by car, while he lives in the city. It’s a small town of about 4,000 people. I always arrive on time, but he’s consistently 3 to 6 minutes late. I didn’t mind at first because I understood it wasn’t a big deal. However, after the third time, I told him it bothers me to wait for him when he’s the one who chose the time. For a while, it didn’t happen again, but then he went back to being late.

Once, I mentioned that I was tired of always going to the same café. He took me to a different one, but then later commented, when I asked if he was just scouting the place, “No, I brought you here so people could see me and to see if you’d check anyone out.” He said this jokingly, but it didn’t feel like just a joke.

I also end up paying for most things. I pay for most of the coffees and the chocolates we get before coffee—out of five, I pay for four, and he pays for one. I understand he doesn’t have a lot of money, and I don’t expect anything extravagant, just small gestures like showing interest in my day or giving me a bit more attention.

He never offers to drive me home, even at 1 or 2 in the morning after we’ve been out. He doesn’t text to check if I got home safely; it’s always my parents who have to pick me up. At the same time, he sends me screenshots of conversations where he’s asking others from the club if they need a ride.

He often leaves my messages on “seen” and only replies two or three days later. I’ve talked to him about this twice, explaining that it makes me feel like he’s not interested in my life and that I feel like someone on the side. The last time, he said he respects my time and is interested, but I don’t feel that way. I can talk to him about anything, but he never asks follow-up questions.

In the shooting club where he works, there’s this girl, Adeline, who claims to be a lesbian, and she really gives off a masculine vibe. He constantly talks about her, and in every club photo, he’s standing next to her. From what I’ve gathered, they text all the time. She comments under all his Instagram posts, and he replies with heart emojis. This has made me suspicious of their relationship.

In a few days, it’s his birthday, and he mentioned that he plans to celebrate it first with two of his friends and then with his club team. He didn’t mention or include me at all. New Year’s is also approaching, and he hasn’t asked about my plans or suggested we spend it together.  

 

TL;DR:

 

I’ve been dating my boyfriend (22M) for 5 months. Our outings are always just coffee dates at the same café, with me paying most of the time. He doesn’t check if I get home safely after late nights, rarely shows interest in my life, and often leaves me on “seen” for days. He seems overly close to a female teammate, Adeline, who is supposedly a lesbian but gives mixed signals. For his upcoming birthday and New Year’s, he hasn’t included me in any plans, and I feel like an afterthought in the relationship. Am I expecting too much?

 

[NuevoYorko]

It doesn't sound like an actual boyfriend + girlfriend relationship to me.  More like you're just hangout buddies.  That's my opinion. But since you say he's your boyfriend, here are a few things: 

*Why are you paying for everything if it bothers you?  You don't have to do that.  You can each pay for your own stuff.   

*Why don't you plan something that YOU would like, at a place you'd like to go, rather than being annoyed that he keeps coming up with the same place and activity?

* I think that 3 - 6 minutes late barely qualifies for actual lateness.   You being annoyed by that is probably more annoying than his lateness. 

* Is he cleared to drive?  There are special requirements for people with clonic epilepsy.  The condition and in some cases the medication can impair driving ability.  

Those are my questions, except for the most important one:
 

*WHY are you in this relationship?  What are you getting out of it?

 

[stankabananka]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It doesn't sound like an actual boyfriend + girlfriend relationship to me.  More like you're just hangout buddies.  That's my opinion. But since you say he's your boyfriend, here are a few things: 

*Why are you paying for everything if it bothers you?  You don't have to do that.  You can each pay for your own stuff.   

*Why don't you plan something that YOU would like, at a place you'd like to go, rather than being annoyed that he keeps coming up with the same place and activity?

* I think that 3 - 6 minutes late barely qualifies for actual lateness.   You being annoyed by that is probably more annoying than his lateness. 

* Is he cleared to drive?  There are special requirements for people with clonic epilepsy.  The condition and in some cases the medication can impair driving ability.  

Those are my questions, except for the most important one:
 

*WHY are you in this relationship?  What are you getting out of it?

 

Because he constantly says he doesn't have money, and buys expensive things he doesn't need. and when it's time to leave the cafe, he doesn't offer to pay or split the bill. 

but I like punctuality and I always tell him to let me know if he's going to be a few minutes late so I can come later too, but in most cases he's with that team from the club before we leave , 

 He has a driving license, his therapy has been successful and he has not had a seizure in almost three years, he is able to drive for an hour without getting tired. Plus, he's constantly boasting that he's driving somewhere and that he's on the move, he sends pics 

 I'm with him because we agree on a lot of things, and I have this feeling of comfort with him, and I really want this to work, and for it to be a real problem in *me* because I pay attention to all the details unnecessarily

[basil67]

You've got to speak up.  If he asks you to coffee and you paid last time, tell him that it's his turn.   Tell him that you can't keep imposing on your parents to drive you home, so you need him to give you a lift. 

But don't speak up about the lateness, because 3-6 mins so miniscule that you'll look petty. 

[NuevoYorko]

You'd seriously plan on being 3 - 6 minutes late yourself if he'd told you he was going to be?   

Take my word for this;  that doesn't even really count as "late."   

The rest of your issues I don't disagree with.

[Gebidozo]

The only thing that I disagree with you here is your annoyance over him being late. 3-6 minutes is absolutely nothing. You should let it go.

It’s not okay that he never pays for your dates. Why are you letting him do that?

As for replying late, not driving you home, and not asking whether you’re safe, you should tell him directly that this bothers you. Those things would bother me too.

I’m not sure talking alone would help, though. Frankly, it doesn’t look like your boyfriend is very invested in this relationship. It doesn’t feel like he considers you a true girlfriend.

[ShyViolet]

It doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in you.  This whole relationship sounds very mediocre and lukewarm on both sides.  If he doesn't make you feel like he really cares about you and you're not getting much out of this, it's time to end it.

7 hours ago, stankabananka said:

 I'm with him because we agree on a lot of things, and I have this feeling of comfort with him, and I really want this to work, and for it to be a real problem in *me* because I pay attention to all the details unnecessarily

Nah, this is really weak.  It sounds like you're just staying with him because he's familiar.  It doesn't sound like you are even that into him.  And from everything you've described, he certainly doesn't sound like he's that into you.

[Els]

On 12/21/2024 at 6:04 AM, stankabananka said:

Because he constantly says he doesn't have money, and buys expensive things he doesn't need. and when it's time to leave the cafe, he doesn't offer to pay or split the bill. 

I agree that this sounds impolite of him, but you also don't HAVE to go along with it. Just tell the person at the counter that you are paying for your share.

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but I like punctuality and I always tell him to let me know if he's going to be a few minutes late so I can come later too, but in most cases he's with that team from the club before we leave

I'm not sure if this is cultural, but 3-6 minutes doesn't even register as "late" for most of us. Like, even restaurants will hold your booking for 15 minutes after the booking time. How on earth can anyone even anticipate that they will be 3 minutes late and tell you? And really, what difference does it make for you?

That being said, I understand that in some cultures (Swiss, Japanese, etc), 3 minutes late is indeed late, so if you're from one of those cultures and he isn't, you'll need to compromise.

Basically, I think you have several valid concerns, and he doesn't sound all that interested in you IMO, so I don't know if it's worth "trying to make it work". 5 months is supposed to be the honeymoon stage, he isn't going to magically start putting in MORE effort, it usually decreases. But you also do sound like a perfectionist, and it can be exhausting being with people who are like that, so you might want to do some introspection as well.