This is what I can't figure out

[dahlia]

My ex and I were together for 4 yrs, 2 of which we lived together. He always said how much he loved me, needed me, wanted to be together for the rest of his life.

 

However, he was a very stubborn, arrogant guy. He always said when we fought, he fought to win. And I would always question him on this, b/c you cannot always be right, and on top of that, it created a ton of resentment and anger on my part.

 

Anyway, all of a sudden, after he left and we broke up--due to one of our usual fights, he has basically cut me out of his life. He moved back in with "mommy" and after 10 wks, he has only called me once, to tell me about his new job, his new "girlfriend" , his great new life. Many mutual friends feel most of this is bs just to make me beg him back and to crumble. However, I will not do that.

 

So, what I cannot understand is--=-how does he just walk away and never look back? How? after all of that time together and all of the things he would say about us being together forever? Is he just making me suffer or was everything he used to say just lies to keep me around until he wanted to walk away?

 

Does anyone else look back after being dumped and wonder how they could just walk away without looking back, especially after they proclaimed such love for us?

 

Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. I am really confused about this, and I don't think it's as cut and dry as many would think it is.

[loony]

I'm not sure, but were you not the one who did everything for her ex? Who paid for everything while he lived in your house, unemployed and too bored find a job?

 

I think you are asking the wrong questions here. Your relationship has been onesided for a long time therefore it didn't cause him a lot of pain to move on, he never was really in. The question you have to ask yourself is, why did you tolerate all this sh*t? Why didn't you see the warning signs before? People like me read your posts and we think what a crappy boyfriend she has. How come she tolerated him for such a long time? Why is she not seeing the red flags? You need to focus on yourself and the reasons that caused you to stay in such a bad relationship.

[Magister]

What you have to understand is that few of us see our lives as 100% perfect, lacking nothing essential, without a close relationship with someone else. Whenever someone says something like, "I love you unconditionally" or any of the other sappy things people say to show how deeply in love they are, they don't really mean it. People get into relationships because they expect the relationship to have a positive effect on their life. They stay because they fear leaving may have a negative effect. He wasn't in the relationship with you because of anything special about you, he was in the relationship with you because of his needs and desires and you happened to be in the right place at the time he was looking. That's all.

[dahlia]

ok everyone, so you really think that all of the "sappy" things people say are just a bunch of bs in order to get what they want out of the relationship and then once you are used up they move on b/c they no longer have any use for you? That makes me sad.

 

Yes, my ex was the one that did not work--at least not for the last two yrs of our relationship---and that basically ruined everything.

 

The one time that he has called since he left he informed me that he has a job in a bar, has met tons of women, now has a girlfriend and is making good money.

 

So, Ok, I was just used, but, somehow, I don't think it was as simple as that. B/c if that was so, then everyone on here that was dumped was used for one reason or another. At least the long term relationships had to have a little more to them than what can someone offer me. Life and relationships are just not that simplistic. We can try to box everyone into the same category as much as we'd like, but unfortunately, not everyone is the same.

 

What I was asking is, how is it that someone can just walk away without a turn of their head? Is it b/c they used you? Had their foot out the door long ago? Now has another providing them with what you once did--in addition to the new excitement that a new relationship brings?

 

I was really hoping someone could shed some light on this. Maybe I am a total fool, but, I remember the way he used to talk to me, the way he told me how much I meant to him. Was that all a lie?

[loony]

dahlia, just read what you posted here:

 

My ex of 4 yrs dumped me two mths ago. He lived in my house and I paid for everything. He did not work. He had a dui, so he couldn't drive and never asked the judge for a provisional license. I actually was ok with that for a yr or so, but, after a while, he really started taking advantage of me. He ignored me, never called me while I was away on business, never talked to me, didn't want anymore physical connection, and basically I got the big picture that he wasn't into me anymore. I confronted him on this on many occasions, and he denied it. Basically he said I was just a b....... anyway, after being gone on business for a few days, I came home to an empty house. He left and moved back in with his parents. They live 200 miles away, so there is no running into each other. He has only called me once, to tell me he is working, has a girlfriend, etc.

It doesn't matter what he said, because this was not a good relationship to start with. If you had a really good relationship and he suddenly packed his stuff and moved on, then you can wonder what's going on his head. But if the relationship was as you described above, then your problem is finding out why you accepted a very crappy situation over such a long period time. To me it doesn't look like it was a healthy relationship between equals where one day someone realized that he was not happy with his partner and decided to leave. In such cases there was love that disappeared with time. In your case I just have trouble seeing the love, I can not even imagine that your relationship started with a lot of genuine love. Therefore I say, don't concentrate on him, but concentrate on you and why you held on for such a long time to a bad situation that was only resolved, because he eventually left you.

[bluechocolate]

OK everyone, so you really think that all of the "sappy" things people say are just a bunch of bs in order to get what they want out of the relationship and then once you are used up they move on b/c they no longer have any use for you?

 

Nope - not me. But people can and do fall out of love, which doesn't make their previous assertions of love invalid.

 

What I was asking is, how is it that someone can just walk away without a turn of their head? Is it b/c they used you? Had their foot out the door long ago? Now has another providing them with what you once did--in addition to the new excitement that a new relationship brings?

 

No one can answer that for you. If you've looked around this place you'll have seen that many, many people are asking the same questions.

 

How could they have just left like that? What did I do wrong? How could they have loved me & then treated me so bad? He/she said I was 'the one', so how could they have changed their mind so quickly? Why did they.......

 

And on & on & on....

 

I think people who just walk away from long-term relationships like this are essentially cowards. The fact that he's called you up to gloat over his apparent new found success just proves that.

 

I would guess that if you got a truthful answer from him you wouldn't feel any better, in fact maybe a lot worse.

[dahlia]

Thanks everyone, especially for your absolute honesty. That's what I need to hear. I don't need anything sugarcoated--and thankfully no one is doing that.

 

I guess it's true, if he would tell me the truth, such as, hey, I just used you, you were a stepping stone for 4 yrs to get my act together----this would probably hurt more than speculating.

 

It's funny, b/c even though I am asking these questions, in my soul, I already know the answers, I just keep hoping I am wrong

 

So forgive me for trying to rip the bandaid off as gently as possible, but that's what I am trying to do---and I need to face the truth instead of hoping for every excuse known to man

[slubberdegullion]

Dahlia, it's human nature to try and avoid pain, so it takes courage to face up to the issues that you've faced.

 

You need no forgiveness about "trying to rip the bandaid off as gently as possible" because only you know the intimate details. Oh, we've got a broad brush-stroke through your posts here, and we're all here to help, but the final decision is yours and yours alone.

 

Now, while that may sound like I'm being Master of the Obvious, you would be astounded at how many people don't get that.

 

Good luck to you; I have no doubt that you'll be just fine.

[Aureus]

There is a lot of aggressive responses here. And some of them may be right. But just because a relationship has ended on the whim of your partner doesn't mean they thought the relationship was a "stepping stone". Like bluechocolate said people fall out of love all the time. The case is usually the one who is dumped didn't fulfill some of the needs of the dumper for the relationship to last. I see this as levels of tolerance, of how much **** someone can take. A lot of people who are dumped and who still love the one who dumped them sometimes have a higher level of tolerance - meaning it will take a lot of negativity in the relationship to make them "fall out of love". Whereas the dumper has a lower threshold of what they can take. If that made sense. Do you know what he didn't like about the relationship?

[loony]

I find it more valuable to tell her that her relationship was a toxic one than supporting her in her quest why her ex-boyfriend acted like this. Why wonder his motivations if he very likely was someone who just used her. Doesn't it make more sense to find out why she reacted to someone like him in order to prevent her from repeating the same mistake over and over again? I'm not going to support her in her belief that he was a great boyfriend who unfortunately fell out of love with her at one point in their relationship if I rather think he was someone who abused her affection for him.

[Aureus]

I find it more valuable to tell her that her relationship was a toxic one than supporting her in her quest why her ex-boyfriend acted like this. Why wonder his motivations if he very likely was someone who just used her. Doesn't it make more sense to find out why she reacted to someone like him in order to prevent her from repeating the same mistake over and over again? I'm not going to support her in her belief that he was a great boyfriend who unfortunately fell out of love with her at one point in their relationship if I rather think he was someone who abused her affection for him.

 

Yeah but you and I don't know the situation. We don't know these people and how or why the relationship ended. For all we know she could have been bitchy to him and was controlling and moody (sorry Dahlia, I'm not saying you are, this is just an example of how know one ever knows the full situation). We don't know. You have to be objective sometimes. But I know what you mean about giving her the strength to move on. I personally think that not every dumper is truly a selfish arsehole. If you were ever to dump someone loony they might end up on this forum asking the same questions.

[loony]

Yeah but you and I don't know the situation. We don't know these people and how or why the relationship ended. For all we know she could have been bitchy to him and was controlling and moody (sorry Dahlia, I'm not saying you are, this is just an example of how know one ever knows the full situation). We don't know. You have to be objective sometimes. But I know what you mean about giving her the strength to move on. I personally think that not every dumper is truly a selfish arsehole. If you were ever to dump someone loony they might end up on this forum asking the same questions.

I think I got a picture of her from her posts, and I do not think she is the kind of person you described. If you give advice you must be able to trust your ability to read between the lines and get an idea of the person, otherwise it's moot to give advice. I also do not always say that a dumper automatically is a bad person, but in her case I think he's just not worth it to waste more time. She doesn't see it right now, but I'm sure that one day she will be glad that he dumped her and set her free.

[Aureus]

I think I got a picture of her from her posts, and I do not think she is the kind of person you described. If you give advice you must be able to trust your ability to read between the lines and get an idea of the person, otherwise it's moot to give advice. I also do not always say that a dumper automatically is a bad person, but in her case I think he's just not worth it to waste more time. She doesn't see it right now, but I'm sure that one day she will be glad that he dumped her and set her free.

 

Yes I get the same feeling too. And I agree that she should do the NC and focus on her life, and wait for the right person. However I also think that whatever people post here on the forums is "their" side of the story. We are all upset and rightfuly so, however when we say what "they" did to us and not include what we "did" to them in the relationship it does seem one-sided at times. I know my faults in my ex-relationship, which helped kill it. I guess what I'm trying to say is people should move on yes, but they should also realise what they may have done in the relationship that wasn't healthy, so they can grow from it.

[loony]

Yes I get the same feeling too. And I agree that she should do the NC and focus on her life, and wait for the right person. However I also think that whatever people post here on the forums is "their" side of the story. We are all upset and rightfuly so, however when we say what "they" did to us and not include what we "did" to them in the relationship it does seem one-sided at times. I know my faults in my ex-relationship, which helped kill it. I guess what I'm trying to say is people should move on yes, but they should also realise what they may have done in the relationship that wasn't healthy, so they can grow from it.

Seems like I'm just disagreeing with people right now... but anyway, she is still mourning her relationship and remembering all the good times. I bet she would love to find good reasons to make her believe that he's a great guy and it was actually her fault for losing him, because that the normal reaction people have when a relationship is over. They blame themselves and wonder what they could have done to keep their partner. Nonetheless, I can't really find her post anything positive about her relationship and her ex. She also doesn't seem as if she has reached the angry phase yet. If she were, she would call him names and be angry, but she isn't. So, whatever she is describing now seems to be a quite realistic picture of her relationship. In fact, this is probably going to be the most positive memory of it that she will ever have.

[dahlia]

I appreciate everyone's responses, and basically, in the end, I know that my ex was not good for me. Yes, it is good that he is gone, especially since he took "advantage" of my good heart for a while. But there was a time that he did give me all of the things that I needed emotionally and physically. When that ended and things began to change is hard to trace back.

 

Believe me, I try to trace the relationship back to the turning point, but, no matter how desperately I try, I cannot find the moment that things began to change---in other words, when I can point to the beginning of the end.

 

Everyone seems to think that I will be better off in time--I am certain we all will be. I am definitely trying to focus on myself and what changed this relationship. Did I become too agreeable after 4yrs together? Was I not enough of a b@@@@? Did he realize he had me in his side pocket and there was no challenge left?

 

I am trying to make sense of all this. For me to just shrug this off as him being a bad guy is not the answer---how many men have been financially "used" by women for many, many decades? Somehow, I think, in every relationship there are tradeoffs.. Such as, I will work, you will raise the kids---I will do all of the outdoor chores and you will do all of the indoor chores, etc. When someone's needs are not being met, or the tradeoff becomes no longer a tradeoff, the relationship is thrown off balance, and then if it is not addressed and fixed it begins to decline and many times end.

 

This is what I am looking at. But, at the bottom of all of this introspection, my friends, I am still wondering--does he even think of me? Is that such a wrong thing to wonder? I am certain many people love others that are not perfect---no one is----however, you still love these people. I wasn't looking for whether or not my ex was worthy of me---if I was looking for that I would administer a test to everyone in a relationship---compare their educations, compare their financial standings, compare their beauty---and guess what? Many people would not be worthy of their partners. Worthiness is not the issue right now. I was just wondering if the ex that walked away ever thinks about the person they dumped.

 

I do value what others say here. It is nice to see a variety of perspectives. And, of course, the readers cannot know every detail of the poster's relationship. I think we are just looking for input and I must say, I am grateful for the input that I receive, so thanks!