His Super Attractive (female) Best Friend

[Cupcake]

I’ve been with this 57 year old man for 4 years. I’m 44. We’ve met each other’s families. Now we’re finally talking about marriage & combined residences.

He only has one sibling, a younger brother. Since the day we met, he always talks about a “sister” that he loves dearly, giving her priority over anyone else in his life, including his biological brother. Recently I finally asked about this “sister.” His parents aren’t close with her, neither is his adult child. All people know about her is how much he talks about her & that he really holds her in high esteem. A few of his closest friends have met her. But they don’t seem to give her much thought. 
 

Her name is Stacy. I asked my boyfriend, why he & Stacy never dated or hooked up since they’ve known each other since high school. All he can say is that she’s not his type. When I pressed for a better answer, he finally said, “some guys say she’s too skinny.” 
 

I didn’t accept that answer because he’s telling me what other men don’t like about her rather than his own opinion. Based on the way my boyfriend talks about this woman & the fact that I’ve never met her in 4 years; I believe my boyfriend was friendzoned by this woman & that’s the reason he’s not dating her or married to her in all these years. 
 

He denies this, of course, and makes matters worse by assuring me he can have her if he wanted her. But he still can’t convince me why a straight man of sound mind is not attracted to a super model gorgeous woman with a big heart, kind soul, and an overall perfect being (as he claims). I humbly remove my own interest for what’s best for him because I love him so much. I can’t imagine marrying a man that I believe is only with me because he can’t have the woman he truly wants. 
 

Am I wrong for asking the reason he’s not attracted to this woman since he claims he’s not? Is it possible for a man to hold a woman in such high regard with no real reason why he feels that way? Aside from her being the most popular girl in high school & everyone liking her, he can’t even tell me why he considers her a “sister” and not just a female friend like other women in his life. By insisting that I “accept” this woman will always hold a special place in his heart, I feel like by boyfriend is setting the stage for me to take second place, even if we get married. I’m the one who’s doing everything he wants. I am the one he’s choosing to marry. But she is the one that’s irreplaceable. No other woman compares to her, not even me. 

Edited Monday at 05:51 AM by Cupcake

[basil67]

This is so weird.   

I totally understand that a guy may not be attracted to the beautiful popular girl.  Seriously, I wouldn't even question it.   But I'd walk out the door if a guy said "he can have her if he wanted her" and describes her as a "super model gorgeous woman with a big heart, kind soul, and an overall perfect being" 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Cupcake said:

By insisting that I “accept” this woman will always hold a special place in his heart,

I don't get how you can accept her when you have never met her. Why has he never introduced you two?

I find that very odd. Does she live really far away or something? 

[Gebidozo]

There are two different issues here.

1) Can a straight man have a beautiful female friend and not be attracted to her? Absolutely. My best friend has a very close female friend who looks great. I know 100% he isn’t attracted to her. That is completely normal.

However:

2) Your boyfriend praises that woman too much. I wouldn’t describe any female friend of mine using such words. The worst part is that he says he could “have her” any time. Does that mean that the friend is in love with him? That is quite a different matter. Even if you accept his friendship with someone who has romantic feelings for him, the way he spoke about “having” her is disturbing.

[stillafool]

Maybe he just didn't want to say she's too skinny because it would make him sound bad but that could very well be the reason she isn't his type.  Are you skinny?

[NuevoYorko]

I think the weirdest thing here is that you're preoccupied with why he is not coupled up with her,  when the real question in my opinion is that she's supposedly his BEST FRIEND who he "gives priority over everyone else in his life" and you have not  met her. In four years. 

And his family hasn't either.

Is it possible that you're feeling jealous and perhaps exaggerating their connection?  

[Cupcake]

The woman is closer to his age, in her early 50’s. I’ve only seen pictures of her on social media. One year he and I were on a break due to other issues we couldn’t work out at the time. I wished him a happy birthday via text. He replied with a photo of him at her house with her teenaged children & referred to them as “family.”
 

At that time I had no idea who she was. But I knew she wasn’t any relative that I had met. So I asked him. And he said, “Oh that’s Stacy, you know, I’ve told you about her before.”  Of course, the woman he never stops talking about. Back then he always found a way to bring her into a conversation. We could be having dinner. He would look at the menu & point out things that Stacy likes & doesn’t like. He knew I hated that. And he stopped talking about her for a while. When he sent that photo, I felt like he was being spiteful. 
 

A year later circumstances brought us back together. We both had some life changes. He has been much better than before in all the ways that matter, especially not talking about Stacy. All of a sudden, he’s doing it again… mentioning her at times that are totally unrelated. Something reminds him of her or a moment they had together, or he shares a story about something she told him. She lives nearby. I asked the reason I’ve never met her. 

“I thought you didn’t like her,” he said. “She knows about you. I can arrange a meeting as long as you’re cool. She doesn’t want any drama.”

His past girlfriends didn’t like Stacy. He accused those women of being insecure. Stacy is single & not dating anyone. She doesn’t want to get married. Her late husband died & left her wealthy. As far as physical features, I am also slim. She has had a lot of plastic surgery to enhance her features (Breast, Butt, Nose, Tummy Tuck) and she looks great. Am I jealous? Absolutely not! But I am realistic. I don’t want to commit to a future with a man whom I feel is “settling” for me. 
 

Since he can’t give me a reason that he’s not attracted to her, I believe he’s lying. Otherwise, why would he keep mentioning her if he doesn’t want me to feel suspicious? Her being skinny is not a reason since she & I are the same size. The plastic surgery actually makes her more voluptuous than I am. I just don’t understand. 
 

When I asked, he listed every detail about me that makes him want to marry me. So I asked rather Stacy possessed those same qualities. Without hesitation he assured me she does, every single one. 
 

“So why are you choosing me,” I said with a lot of frustration. 
 

“I am attracted to you. I am not attracted to her.” 
 

This is how he left it. And he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I posted the question here because I need to talk about it. I need to make sense of it. I don’t know that I can accept it. Breaking up seems the only solution… But I don’t want to do that & throw away progress we’ve made in other areas of the relationship. 
 

Edited yesterday at 03:05 AM by Cupcake

[ShyViolet]

58 minutes ago, Cupcake said:

he said. “She knows about you. I can arrange a meeting as long as you’re cool. She doesn’t want any drama.”

How could he arrange for you to meet her when you've made it clear so many times that you are super uncomfortable with her being in his life; it's obvious that if you came face to face with her it would be super awkward and weird.  He probably knows that and therefore is hesitant to have you meet her now.  Hence him saying "she doesn't want any drama."  I'm not sure how a meeting could take place at this point.  It would not go well.

I'm not saying that what he's doing is right; the way he has constantly brought her up and talked about her excessively is super weird and I would call him out on that.

However, I think it's weird that you seem to think it's impossible for a man to be friends with an objectively attractive woman, without being attracted to them.  I do think it's possible.  If your man had a co-worker or a boss that was objectively attractive, would you make it your life's mission to "prove" that he must be attracted to her and can't have a platonic working relationship?  I don't think you should be fixating so much on the fact that since she is conventionally attractive, he "must" be attracted to her.  The real issue here is why he has this habit of excessively bringing her up in conversation.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry but it sounds like your relationship is in serious trouble and it's not because of "Stacy."  It's because of this:

Quote

Since he can’t give me a reason that he’s not attracted to her, I believe he’s lying.

What was the nature of all the problems you were having in your relationship prior to this?   Do they contribute to your opinion that he's a liar?

Your relationship seems to me to be unsustainable because you do not trust him and you can't communicate with him.   I believe him.  I understand 100% simply not being attracted to someone without being able to give precise reasons.   I also understand being attracted to someone without being able to give precise reasons.  Since I'm like this, of course there are others.  Probably many many.

But, you are accusing him of lying and it sounds like you are outright harassing him about it.

Sorry to be so blunt.  But you really need to make a choice - figure out how to accept this with grace, or break up.  Please don't try to get him to drop Stacy.   It won't work, and you already think he's a liar.  

 

[Cupcake]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

However, I think it's weird that you seem to think it's impossible for a man to be friends with an objectively attractive woman, without being attracted to them... The real issue here is why he has this habit of excessively bringing her up in conversation.

I have absolutely no problem with him having friends, regardless of gender. I do think it's possible to be friends with an attractive person and not be attractive to them. For example, I am good friends with an attractive man who also happens to be a celebrity. He calls or texts sporadically, like once every few months. We meet up for food and drinks when he's in town like once every few years. My boyfriend is aware of this friendship. But I almost never talk about this man or bring up his name. I am NOT romantically attracted to this attractive man for various reasons. And I can easily list every reason. 1) He's a playboy 2) He's irresponsible sometimes. 3) He's moody. 4) He's a celebrity. And so on. 

The one reason he will always be a special friend is that he assisted me through a challenging time in my life. Years later I did the same for him and would do it again if necessary. He has a good heart. He is a good person. I would totally understand if my boyfriend could say the same of this woman. He says things to let me know he's physically attracted to her. She frequently posts pictures on social media exposing her half nude figure. He puts hearts on the photos and comments about her beauty. "Looking good. Very beautiful. Still gorgeous." All of this in addition to talking about her all the time. This makes me believe he's lying when he says he's not physically attracted to her. The ONLY reason he gives for not being romantically attracted to her is a blatant lie, proven by their social media interaction. Why is he trying to be with me since it appears he would rather be with her? Since he has made HER a big deal, I need him to convince me that he doesn't want to be with her romantically. I'm not asking him to end the friendship. But I am asking him to prove it really is a friendship and I'm not just a replacement for the woman he truly wants.  

[Cupcake]

41 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

...you are accusing him of lying and it sounds like you are outright harassing him about it.... Please don't try to get him to drop Stacy.   It won't work, and you already think he's a liar.  

 

We broke up before due to his unreliability. He would make plans and cancel at the last minute. It felt like he was stringing me along. I didn't ask a lot of questions because we were still getting to know each other. It didn't feel like he was truly into me. So I gracefully ending our romantic relationship. We were distant friends until life circumstances reunited us. He came clean about a lot of stuff that left me in the dark before. It amounted to him being romantically involved with several women, and a host of financial issues that were the result of having several relationships. He has been cleaning up his life for the past year. Ended relationships with all women. Consolidated debt. Spent time soul searching while single. And he was very happy that I was willing to give our relationship another chance. I haven't harassed him about anything. Being quiet and trying to ignore things that concerned me is what led to me ending the relationship the first time. This time I promised to let him know a concern so we could talk about it. I never would have asked about Stacy if he didn't start talking about her again. 

[ShyViolet]

40 minutes ago, Cupcake said:

But I am asking him to prove it really is a friendship and I'm not just a replacement for the woman he truly wants.  

He's never going to be able to "prove" to you that it's just a friendship and that he's not attracted to her.  If he was able to "prove" this to you, he would have already done so.  There is usually not a list of logical reasons why someone is or is not attracted to someone.  That's not how life works.  It's usually just an intuitive feeling that is either there or not.  You seem to think that he should be able to give you a logical list of reasons why he's not attracted to her, as if this is some kind of puzzle to solve, and then it will all make sense.  It doesn't work that way.  

It sounds highly unlikely that he'll ever end the friendship with her, and also equally unlikely that you'll ever be able to get over your fixation with this (whether it's justified or not).  If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Cupcake said:

His past girlfriends didn’t like Stacy. He accused those women of being insecure. Stacy is single & not dating anyone. She doesn’t want to get married. Her late husband died & left her wealthy. As far as physical features, I am also slim. She has had a lot of plastic surgery to enhance her features (Breast, Butt, Nose, Tummy Tuck) and she looks great. Am I jealous? Absolutely not! But I am realistic. I don’t want to commit to a future with a man whom I feel is “settling” for me. 
 

Is it that his past girlfriends didn't like Stacy?  Or is it that they didn't like the way he talked about her all the time and writes OTT responses on her thirst trap photos?    Because I suspect they weren't insecure -  it's more likely they weren't OK with how he acts about/with her.  

Also, stop asking him about how he feels about her and instead judge at his actions.  

Edited yesterday at 05:31 AM by basil67

[MsJayne]

From my own experience with the same kind of scenario, I say listen to your gut. It most likely is nothing more than friendship, but it's a friendship that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's one thing when your partner has an opposite sex friend and you meet them early-ish in the relationship and it's all warm, friendly, and inclusive, but a whole other dynamic when you feel somehow threatened by the third person. The way he talks about this woman would honestly make me want to stick my fingers down my throat, and then there's this manipulative horses**t.....

3 hours ago, Cupcake said:

“She knows about you. I can arrange a meeting as long as you’re cool. She doesn’t want any drama.”

 "She knows about you." Why wouldn't she, why would he hide you? Something about that statement pongs a lot given that you've discussed marriage and co-habitation with this guy. You would assume that such a close friend would of course know he's in a serious relationship. Why make a statement that suggests him telling her about you was some sort of confession? 

"I can arrange a meeting, as long as you're cool." Translation, he's expecting you not to be cool, mainly because experience has shown him that using this woman to make previous partners feel insecure has worked really well. None of them liked her before they even met her because the way he idealises her is enough to make any mentally sound person reach for the sick bucket. 

"She doesn't want any drama." OK, why would she expect drama? Previous experience by any chance? 

The 'love' emojis and comments he posts on her social media are a great big red flag waving at you. Don't even start me on people who pander to Attention Hounds on social media, let alone when it's your BF openly disrespecting you by brown-nosing to his thirsty female friend. My advice is to step outside the relationship and look objectively at what's going on, (not easy when you're caught up in it), but if you weren't emotionally involved with this guy would you tolerate being made to feel second best? If you didn't care about causing an argument might you speak up and say something like, "Oh, puh-lease, give it a rest on the Stacy Praise, it's stomach turning. Next you'll be telling me she's found a cure for cancer ."  

I say do not move in with this guy under any circumstances and seriously consider your relationship with him. You shouldn't even be having these conversations about Saint Stacy, it's just toxic garbage. 

[Cupcake]

I don't want him to end whatever he has with Stacy. I have spent countless days, weeks, and hours with this man over the past few months as things are getting more serious. I have witnessed him interact in person and over the phone with various friends and relatives. We took a 10 hour road trip on his birthday. His phone was connected to Bluetooth. He got calls and messages from at least 30 people during the drive. Stacy was not one of them. He has never communicated with her in my presence. That makes me think they're not as close as he claims. It seems like he's idolizing the friendship with her more than she feels about him. She is not the problem. His fixation with her is what concerns me. In the meantime, to end the conversation, my boyfriend has promised to never mention Stacy again. He believes I will get to know Stacy at some point in the future and I will realize how ridiculous it was to be concerned about her.   

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Cupcake said:

But I am asking him to prove it really is a friendship

And how would you like him to prove this? 

In concrete terms, I mean. 

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think that any relationship can, or should,  be expected to sustain a situation where one of the people thinks the other one is a liar.

I can understand why you would feel and think this way, given your history with the guy, his personal history, and the way he seems to be sort of pulling your chain with his Stacy comments.

But, still - you think he's lying and you want him to "prove" the unprovable.  

There is no way this can be resolved unless you just step away from worrying about it.  I think you could shut down the constant commentary about Stacy in a smart way, if you could get rid of this demand that he "prove" he's not attracted.  But obviously that's not something you are prepared or able to do now.

[Els]

On 12/23/2024 at 3:42 PM, Cupcake said:

a super model gorgeous woman with a big heart, kind soul, and an overall perfect being (as he claims).

Are these his words verbatim, or are they yours?

[NuevoYorko]

You'd be a lot better off if you'd just deflect his Stacy chatter by saying things like "yes, I know, she's wonderful" and then get right back to whatever you were doing that had nothing to do with Stacy.  The way you're describing things, Stacy is practically a third party in your relationship.  Which is not necessary since you've been with this guy for FOUR YEARS and you've never even met her, and neither have any of his family or friends.  She's not exactly a looming threat.

[Interstellar]

57 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You'd be a lot better off if you'd just deflect his Stacy chatter by saying things like "yes, I know, she's wonderful" and then get right back to whatever you were doing that had nothing to do with Stacy.  The way you're describing things, Stacy is practically a third party in your relationship.  Which is not necessary since you've been with this guy for FOUR YEARS and you've never even met her, and neither have any of his family or friends.  She's not exactly a looming threat.

Exactly. Just say she sounds wonderful and change the subject. 

 

Quote

We took a 10 hour road trip on his birthday. His phone was connected to Bluetooth. He got calls and messages from at least 30 people during the drive. Stacy was not one of them. He has never communicated with her in my presence. That makes me think they're not as close as he claims. It seems like he's idolizing the friendship with her more than she feels about him. She is not the problem. His fixation with her is what concerns me.

You spent ten hours on a road trip and he never spoked once to this Stacy chick, and a bunch of other things.

It sounds like she’s living rent free in your head.  You’re projecting. Your fixation with Stacy is the problem.

Edited 9 hours ago by Interstellar

[Cupcake]

6 hours ago, Interstellar said:

It sounds like she’s living rent free in your head.  You’re projecting. Your fixation with Stacy is the problem.

I wouldn't know anything about "Stacy" if he didn't speak of her. That's the reason for the post. So no, I'm not fixated on her. But nice try. 

[Butterflying]

On 12/23/2024 at 12:42 AM, Cupcake said:

All people know about her is how much he talks about her & that he really holds her in high esteem. A few of his closest friends have met her. But they don’t seem to give her much thought. 

Honey, you shouldn't be giving her much thought either. Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. He talks about her all the time because he IS attracted to her. Life is too short to waste time with someone who isn't choosing you. For whatever reason, he is choosing you over Stacy right now. You will never come between their relationship. Take that as a win and stop worrying about whatever he feels or doesn't feel for her. Otherwise, he might be using her to manipulate you. Insecure people do this all the time in relationships. It is likely, if you ever meet Stacy, you will SEE the reason they're not a couple. He's putting that off for as long as possible because he enjoys keeping you on edge.