Ex went on a date 2 days after we broke up

[harnold]

To make a long story short, I had been dating a girl for 3 months this Summer.  We broke up (she ended things) and ended up getting back together in October.  The issues we had during the Summer are no longer present, and the relationship feels much better than it did over the Summer.  Its almost a new relationship.

 

With that aside, I found out this past weekend that she went on a date 2 days after we broke up this Summer.  This may sound trivial, but this really bothered me.  I figured for the depth of connection we had it would it might take someone a little longer to process the breakup before starting to date again (hell I know it can also be a good temporary coping strategy, and some people might even do it out of spite or need for reasonable intimacy), but even so thats not what really bothers me.  It takes TIME to set up a date.  To me, if someone goes on a date 2 days after a breakup, Im guessing there were seeds brewing long before we actually split up.  When I asked her this, she told me that this guy just coincidentally happened to text her on/after the day of the breakup, and she just went with it because she was feeling hurt. That there was nothing brewing beforehand.

 

Am I being immature and overly sensitive? Granted we were technically single, but something doesnt smell right to me.  I really dont know if Im being crazy here, so Id like to get some outside input.  Thanks in advance

Edited Monday at 05:51 PM by harnold

[Calmandfocused]

I think you need to look at this from a different perspective. How old are you two Op? 
 

Her explanation sounds feasible to me. Sounds like this guy had been “orbiting” her and as soon as he knew you’d split he asked her out. Can’t blame a  man for trying! 
 

From her perspective she probably went on the date to numb and distract from any emotional pain she was feeling . People do this - rightly or wrongly. 
 

Look she’s not with this guy is she? You didn’t say if anything happened between them on the date but I suspect not. She only went on the one “date” with him right? 
 

She doesn't want him. She wants you. She’s with you and she’s not with him. If she wanted to be with him she would be but she’s not. 
 

If you want to be with her I suggest you start looking at this rationally. I personally don’t think that her going on the date has anything to do with how she feels about you, nor does it weaken your connection. 
 

 

[harnold]

55 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I think you need to look at this from a different perspective. How old are you two Op? 
 

Her explanation sounds feasible to me. Sounds like this guy had been “orbiting” her and as soon as he knew you’d split he asked her out. Can’t blame a  man for trying! 
 

From her perspective she probably went on the date to numb and distract from any emotional pain she was feeling . People do this - rightly or wrongly. 
 

Look she’s not with this guy is she? You didn’t say if anything happened between them on the date but I suspect not. She only went on the one “date” with him right? 
 

She doesn't want him. She wants you. She’s with you and she’s not with him. If she wanted to be with him she would be but she’s not. 
 

If you want to be with her I suggest you start looking at this rationally. I personally don’t think that her going on the date has anything to do with how she feels about you, nor does it weaken your connection. 
 

 

Yeah, they probably sound like the ramblings of a teenager.  At the same time, I know myself and Im not by any means the sensitive type, and my gut just feels weird about all this. Thats why im posting here, to see if Im just reading too far into it.  

 

 

"She doesn't want him. She wants you. She’s with you and she’s not with him. If she wanted to be with him she would be but she’s not."

I know this is 100% true NOW.  Where we are now is not where we were, and neither of us have any of the same misgivings about each other we had over the Summer.  We talk about the future alot, things we never did back then - the relationship really is v diff now than it was and very healthy.

 

 

But still, the past is inextricably a part of our story together.

 

 

"You didn’t say if anything happened between them on the date but I suspect not. She only went on the one “date” with him right?"

According to her, not on that date (I have my doubts).  But afterwards, yes.  They were hooking up for the next 2 months.  According to her (and this does not make me feel any better whatsoever): "he was just a hookup, he didnt mean anything to me.  We didnt really do much besides hook up and smoke weed together (lol, great).  I was in a bad place blah blah blah".  And yet, at the same time, he even met her family once. All those images to me are just f***en weird man.

 

Idk man.  While she was hooking up with him during these 2 months, she was also reaching out to me to set up dates.  It took us a while for us to set something up, partly because I was being a bit difficult, but the point is that she was seeing him at the time but still seeking other options (me).  So how do I know she wasnt doing this towards the end of the relationship she was having with me??

 

Am I crazy?

[Calmandfocused]

Well I wasn’t expecting to read the further detail you provided but it doesn’t change my position. Here me out: 

If we take the emotions out for a moment  I can tell you from a woman’s perspective (who 100% believes in monogamy and who doesn’t sleep around)  that going from a relationship where your sexual needs are met to having nothing at all is HARD! (no pun intended). Aside from the emotional agony you also have that physical withdrawal too. Its difficult! 
 

And even though there’s loads of literature around like “women get emotionally attached when she has sex” I can tell you that sex cannot replace what is in her heart. If her heart belongs to someone else  no amount of itch scratching with a hook up will change that. 
 

So what you describe makes sense. He was fulfilling her physical needs but her heart remained with you. He can’t compete with that.

 

Edited Monday at 09:54 PM by Calmandfocused

[Trail Blazer]

You believe she had something ready to go prior to your break-up?  You feel she pulled the trigger the moment you guys were done?

Look, it's not completely inconceivable that a date can legitimately be arranged within two days' dialog if, say, they knew each other previously.

I once went on a date four days after breaking up from a year-long relationship.  I was hurting on Tuesday, then created a PoF account on Thursday, went on a date by Saturday.

I mean, sure, the relationship was very meaningful at the time, however, I did move on quickly and met someone who wanted something casual like I did.

At the end of the day, you are no longer together, so does it really matter?  How you feel and the reality of the situation do not always line up.

It's time to get back on the horse and find a new love in your life.  It clearly wasn't to be, so there's no point dwelling on the past.

[harnold]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

You believe she had something ready to go prior to your break-up?  You feel she pulled the trigger the moment you guys were done?

Yes, thats kind of what Im trying to get at.  Me knowing that she hooked up with another/other guys isn't whats causing the discomfort, so much as that weird feeling I have.

 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's time to get back on the horse and find a new love in your life.  It clearly wasn't to be, so there's no point dwelling on the past.

We're actually back together right now and the relationship is very healthy otherwise.  I feel like it comes down to how I feel about this situation and whether im willing to overlook it in favor of this new, better relationship (aka "past is the past", "we weren't together", etc etc).  I guess Im still trying to figure that out - while its totally in her right to do whatever she wants when shes single, what bothers me is the gut feeling that this was lined up for some time before.

[mortensorchid]

It sounds like she had someone interested in her already before you two broke up. Is it still going on? Maybe it was just a rebound thing, like you go on a dating app / website and then meet up with someone instantly? 

If you are back together and happy (and she's not seeing anyone else), just be happy. 

 

[ShyViolet]

It's not at all hard to believe that someone would be able to arrange a date with short notice.  Just because she went on a date very quickly after the breakup doesn't mean she didn't care about you or was totally moved on.  She clearly wasn't moved on, since she's back with you now.  I really think you are wasting your energy dwelling on this.  She was single so she did nothing wrong in going on a date with someone else.  Since you're with her now and you say the relationship is good, stop looking for problems.

[SurfCity]

Is this the woman who's an illegal immigrant and is pressuring you for marriage so that she can stay in the country? If yes, then it's not surprising that she has men on the back burner. She wants to stay in the country; I don't think that you can ignore that. That gut feeling is your intuition is trying to warn/protect you. 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Is this the woman who's an illegal immigrant and is pressuring you for marriage so that she can stay in the country? If yes, then it's not surprising that she has men on the back burner. She wants to stay in the country; I don't think that you can ignore that. That gut feeling is your intuition is trying to warn/protect you. 

If this is the case, OP, then you should heed SurfCity's advice.

If it isn't, then I'd advise you to still go ahead and listen to what your instincts are telling you. You see, whether or not she actually did something wrong, that feeling you have that something's not right will stay with you and will eat away at your relationship, ultimately destroying it. It would be far kinder for you to break up with her now than to drag her through that rollercoaster.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, SurfCity said:

is this the woman who's an illegal immigrant and is pressuring you for marriage so that she can stay in the country?

I was about to ask the same thing. 

 

[smackie9]

You had issues and they were bad enough she chose to end the relationship. She went on a date to seek out how she really felt about the whole situation between you two. She did it to sort herself out. It turns out it worked, and your relationship is better than ever...don't look at a gift horse in the mouth...that date, is where it got the both of you today. The discovery of how much you appreciate each other. 

Edited 16 hours ago by smackie9

[NuevoYorko]

Why are you concerned about her dating while you were broken up?  In the thread you posted after the breakup, you said that you are aw that she wanted to be with you to get US citizenship.   Are you okay with this?   That's what you need to be clear about rather than her dating activities when you were not a couple. 

[harnold]

13 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Is this the woman who's an illegal immigrant and is pressuring you for marriage so that she can stay in the country? If yes, then it's not surprising that she has men on the back burner. She wants to stay in the country; I don't think that you can ignore that. That gut feeling is your intuition is trying to warn/protect you. 

Same girl, although there's been further clarification on that issue.  I think her discontent with relationship part 1 is the fact that I was so non-committal and she never knew where things were going, not so much marriage per se.  We've since articulated our intentions more clearly, where we see ourselves going etc, and many if not all of those same frictions / overclinginess / bad gut feelings that used to exist simply aren't here anymore.  She also told me that marriage isn't as important to her as simply knowing that potential for family and a lifelong partner etc is, and that she's trying to get her papers legally (I dont know how that works, but apparently theres a process, albeit an expensive one).

[harnold]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why are you concerned about her dating while you were broken up?  In the thread you posted after the breakup, you said that you are aw that she wanted to be with you to get US citizenship.   Are you okay with this?   That's what you need to be clear about rather than her dating activities when you were not a couple. 

Not concerned about her dating while we were broken up.  Moreso about potential infidelity that may have existed in part 1 of our relationship

[harnold]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was about to ask the same thing. 

 

Same girl, although I have more context as far as the whole 'marriage' thing goes now

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, harnold said:

Not concerned about her dating while we were broken up.  Moreso about potential infidelity that may have existed in part 1 of our relationship

Well ... what about how transparent she's been about her intentions to be married in the US so she can remain here?   What are your thoughts about that?  I mean, that would certainly be driving much of her behavior. 

If you want to be with this woman, I recommend that you marry her as soon as you can.  Otherwise she seems prepared to find someone who will.