Is he using me?

[JDam]

Hi guys,

I would like to hear your opinion on this situation. There is a guy I like, I know him from work. He worked as an intern with my employer for about 4 months (from Dec 23 to March 24), thats how we met. I was one of the ppl who gave him assignments (among many other people). It seemed like we have a lot in common so we would often go (just the two of us) for lunch. By often I mean like twice a month. Not one single time we were together did he mention his girlfriend. Not ONE single time. He had an important exam to pass this fall so he had to take some time off to study. During that time we exchanged a lot of texts. Once he passed the exams he invited me to a celebration party which however did not take place. When I asked him the last time we went out for lunch, he said the party was just for his closest friends and family, which was just odd since he asked me to come earlier. Now he is reaching out like every third day. But I think the main reason is that he wants to get info about a vacant position with my employer, like he might become a regular employee. Im getting fed up with this. Like when he reaches out he never asks how I am, today he did not even wish a Merry Christmas or anything. His last messages were all about the job application. Like what should he mention in the cover letter, then he informed me about the date of the interview, then he asked for some documents that he could use in the application process etc. Seriously, Im getting annoyed with him. I liked him, he actually seemed interested, his girlfriend is leaving to work in another country pretty soon and he never ever mentioned her (I know he has one from a colleague of mine). But Im feeling he is using me.

opinions?

[Gebidozo]

In what way exactly is he using you?

If he told you he really liked you, wanted to be with you, was going to break up with his girlfriend, kissed you in the lips or something like this, all the while having no feelings at all for you and just wanting to get job information, then yes, that would be him using you.

But, unless some crucial information is missing, it appears that he hasn’t misled you like this. He merely went out with you, was friendly, didn’t do anything sexual, didn’t make any promises. That’s not using. That’s just him being interested in work stuff and not being interested in you. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Guy did nothing wrong, and what would he be "using" you for?   If you're thinking he's "using" you to help him get a good reference for the internship he did with your company and on which he worked with you - that is completely appropriate.

No, he is not "using" you.  He's just not interested in you romantically, and you're disappointed about that now that it's obvious.   This is understandable but don't put it on him.   Ok?

 

[ShyViolet]

I don't see how he is "using" you.  He has a girlfriend, so whether or not he has mentioned her to you, you know he's not single and so he's not available.  I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish here.

[JDam]

Yeah you are right. It is difficult to describe the situation in a few sentences though. 

however, I DO feel like he only reaches out when he needs something, which just turns me off even as a “friend”. I feel like he only kept in touch to take advantage of a person who works here to get “insider” info. I also think its really odd to invite someone to a party and then turn then down, that was kinda rude.

anyway; Im not going to reply to any of his furure questions about the job interview. Its his battle to fight.

 

[JDam]

NuevoYorko, no, its not to get a reference. He is not asked about any references here. He is asking about stuff that ppl typically get asked at that job interview, to copy stuff that I wrote when I applied etc. It just gets really annoying to get asked about some job interview and to send him materials every second day you know? 

[Acacia98]

I don't think he's using you by pretending to be romantically interested in you.

However, I do think he's using you in the sense that you're basically an object he's using to achieve his goal. It's perfectly normal to feel irritated about that. If you feel you've done enough, you can stop being so helpful.

[NuevoYorko]

But he is there in a professional capacity.   If you made friends that's one thing, but the bottom line is that he is there to enhance his work prospects.  That's why he took an internship.  He's following through with that.  It's not wrong.

He was there as an intern for 3 months and you had lunch together 2 X a month during that time, according to your post.  That's 6 lunches, spaced at 2 week intervals,  at work.

Then he was not there anymore and you exchanged a lot of texts.

I'm not seeing any part of these scenarios where he would "naturally" have told you he had a girlfriend or did anything to lead you on.  

If you don't want to help him any further, that's your choice, but I would not be investing in the idea that he's doing anything creepy towards you.   He's just working on his career.  

[JDam]

I never said he is doing anything creepy, just that Im feeling used because Im fed up with people who reach out only when they need something. I do think he acted strange to invite me to a celebration party (for his bar exam) and then to tell me well Im celebrating only with close friends. You would also be tired to get asked every second day about his career prospects. Well, next time he asks which Im sure be very soon as the job interview is in a few days, I tell him I give advice only to close friends and he can take a hike. 

[JDam]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I don't think he's using you by pretending to be romantically interested in you.

However, I do think he's using you in the sense that you're basically an object he's using to achieve his goal. It's perfectly normal to feel irritated about that. If you feel you've done enough, you can stop being so helpful.

You are absolutely right. i will!