Exhausted and drained

[confused_gf]

Hey guys,

I am struggling with crippling loneliness and depression. I am 34 and I've only had one "real" relationship about 13 years ago. I am still very youthful and attractive, but back in the day I modeled and put a lot of effort into my appearance. I got A LOT of compliments, attention and stares but I never felt like the guys had good intentions or were serious about me. The one boyfriend I did have I had to basically remind him that he had a girlfriend, we were practically strangers with no emotional connection and sex was always his main concern. I felt like he did not care about me as an individual and there was no future to our relationship. I basically got tired of being with someone with no authentic connection. I lost attraction to him and when I stopped having sex he left me because that's all he really cared about anyway and to top it all off he was lousy in bed.

After that I basically became a "hook up girl". Most of the guys I would hook up would get very attached to me and start playing cruel mind games and making short lived promises. They all turned out violent, abusive, addicted, and emotionally unavailable. 

I decided to try online dating for two years. A lot of creepy and strange encounters. Thousands of matches. No dates.

One guy I met back in 2014 seemed to have so much potential. Best looking guy I've ever seen with a great personality and so much fun to be around. I thought finally! I met the one. I started asking him to hang out and he basically immediately saw me as "hook up girl". Really he was so cute that I didn't mind but then the games started. It was so hurtful that I lost my mind and had a nervous breakdown.

10 years later and I am struggling. 

The hot guy who I hooked up with is pressuring me to come over to his place. He keeps saying "come over! Come over!" But he won't tell me where he lives now. I don't even think he has broken up with his girlfriend. One minute we'll be talking and he'll say how he wants me back for a real relationship then immediately he'll say "you need to get over me. I don't want you." He'll start criticizing everything I do and say and I feel so frustrated. If I am so ugly and inadequate why is he still showing interest after 10 years? 

I know I need to get a life and take better care of myself. But apart of me feels like ok so I'll get my life together and all of a sudden I'll attract someone. But they will be attracted to me for what I HAVE not WHO I AM. And if they like me for my nails, hair, and makeup I'm attracting a shallow guy again. So lately I have been letting myself go. I am so sick of the beauty pageant.

I keep thinking about this guy. I thought about him the entire ten years we separated and I know he thought about me. I made up my mind that I don't want to do "hookup girl" and our first date if we ever see each other again is couples counseling. Sometimes he agrees but right now he refuses and still just wants to hookup.

Any advice?

 

 

 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

As long as you’re afraid of men getting together with you for shallow reasons, men are going to get together with you for shallow reasons. It’s your fear that is unattractive to mature, strong men and attractive to shallow, low-quality men. They are drawn to insecurity like hyenas to small, weak prey. The very first thing you need to do is stop having fear.

I think you need to take a break from hooking up and trying to find a date. Find yourself instead. Work on yourself, become self-sufficient and confident of what you can offer to a potential partner. Then get back to the dating scene.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, confused_gf said:

. If I am so ugly and inadequate why is he still showing interest after 10 years?

Better qustion: if he treats you so poorly, why are you still showing interest in him after 10 years? 

Your filter is too flimsy, girl. This guy should have been history ages ago, and it sounds like you don't value yourself enough to set boundaries early, so this cycle keeps repeating. 

When we don't see ourselves as worthy, we continue to let the wrong kinds of people into our lives. 

[basil67]

Going back to your posting history with this guy, your response has always been about blaming him for his actions.  Expecting him to take responsibility for accidentally saying ILY, and then you wouldn't let him drop it.  You went as far as labelling him a narcissist.  You're now blaming him for your nervous breakdown.  And now you want to be back together with him, but the first date needs to be couples counselling!   Do you recognise how nuts this sounds?   For starters, even if he was interested in you (which he's not) why on earth would he start a relationships if you are already going to insist on couples counselling?

At what point will you examine your own choices and how they've let you end up in this mess?   You already know this guy doesn't want a relationship with you....and he never did!  So why are you choosing to put yourself back in the same situation which led to your nervous breakdown?   

I beg you to make this thread about examining your own choices.  Do not go down the rabbit hole of trying to work out why he does what he does

 

[happyhorizons]

What does it mean to be a “hook-up girl?”