Don't know what to do about loving roomie - Very Long Post

[Listening]

I’m 40 and have known my friend 42 for about 3 years next summer. I am in desperate need of advice on a situation. This post is very, very long because I'm trying to provide as much context as possible.

The Backstory:

My housemate is a super intelligent, nerdy, good looking, fun and funny engineer. We met while we were both living not far from one another in the same state. 

I had to move to live with family out of state after a layoff, so we lost touch and didn’t talk for about 9 months.

I accidentally texted him one day the summer before I moved in, and we began texting lots as he had broken up with his girlfriend. During all that texting, we caught up and, I told him I really wanted to move back. He said he would have space when his ex left, and agreed I could move in. Part of the arrangement was that we could explore creative business ventures, and I’d pay reduced rent in exchange for cooking and pet duty.

It’s been almost a year that we’ve lived together and it’s been mostly great. We get along exceptionally well, have lots of common interests, and he’s fun to be around. He’s amazing and knows about tons of topics, and how to fix almost anything. He’s one of the coolest, smartest, most interesting people I’ve met.

I also find him super sexy, but more so for his character attributes. I developed a crush on him before I moved in primarily due to his smarts (I am a hardcore sapiophile). I would consider him a very good friend especially having moved me cross country. Given all of that and how we got along, romantic feelings emerged early on.

We’ve slept together (duh) a good handful of times, with 2 stretches of nothing, the first stretch being because I was jealous of a prior roommate coming over to hangout (she'd moved in after his ex moved out for a few months before I moved in), and he didn’t want to keep having sex because he sensed (rightly) that my jealousy was due to my feelings for him, and he didn’t think I’d be able to handle it. This was early this past spring. He noted my jealousy was unmerited especially because he said he was not attracted to me and not looking for a relationship. During the first stretch of no sex between us in early May, he sought out a lady on some app, who came over a few times for about 6 weeks, but she broke it off because she wanted more of a relationship.

Very shortly after they weren't involved with one another around early June, I told him I really wanted him and could behave while keeping it casual, and so we had relations again occasionally for a few months during the summer. But during that time frame he left the country for vacation, and possibly had relations with someone there. He also took a local trip, which was an overnight. He gave me sex for a b-day present in late summer, at my request. This fall, he was gone a lot for work travel, so there wasn't much opportunity.

So, that second stretch of no sex went from September until just last week, so that was almost 4 months, influenced by all the work travel he’d been doing for the past few months and something weird going on with my libido, which has since resolved and returned in a huge way. But in the latest stretch it seems that there was nothing going on with anyone (unless it was when he visited family for Thanksgiving, which is possible).

Last month, he offered for me to move with him next Spring when the lease is up, to homestead with him on a family member’s property, offering the same reduced rent and pet care setup. He said I’d be a valuable addition, as I garden, cook well, and am industrious, and would be helping to establish things there. I accepted, as an off-grid type living situation has appealed to me for a while, and admittedly doing such a thing with him seems like the perfect recipe for an eventual relationship. Even though our lodging would be separate, we’d basically be next door to one another, and our levels of interaction would be the same.

The situation that has me flummoxed: 

I’m visiting family for the holidays, and left last week. 

I noticed he took the Ring camera down to charge, but when I noticed it was down for more than a few days, I decided to mess with him through the device. So, I tuned in to do so and heard talking, and timing was perfect as I was being discussed. What are the odds? It’s like it was meant to be. I heard this person ask if he and I “have a thing” and he replied that he loves me as a person but isn’t attracted to me. I also heard this person asking why he wanted me to move there, and he said "because it would be good for me". Later however, curiosity got the better of me, so I tuned in again and this time got more than I bargained for…

Lots of mutual coital noises were heard. Of course, this upset me immensely. Enough that I did not answer a few texts he’d sent me for a few days. I eventually did (very briefly), and even sent him a “Merry Christmas, You Ho Ho Ho!” text, alluding to the fact that I knew he was doing all sorts of stuff.

I imagine that one would say they aren't attracted to another female to someone you plan to bang, but he’s also mentioned the same to me before. With the offer to move and do this big major thing, it just seems like there’s more to how he feels about me than he’s letting on. 

We’d gotten busy just the day before I left and about a day before his holiday guests arrived. I say guests because when the camera was put back again, I saw a few different chicks (and a few pets as well), so it appears to have been a veritable party. I can’t compare myself really because I don’t know their qualities (or sexual attributes), and I know I’m biased but I know I’m a more intelligent, better overall package. 

So I am wondering whether he is actually more into me than he’s letting on, and if so what this past weekend’s shenanigans were all about. 

The two maybe three people I saw seemed kind of skanky and were there for 5 days, again, with multiple pets. F*cking strange. I don’t know whether these are people he’s known for a while or if he’d just met them (I presume and hope it’s the former), but nonetheless I am turned off by what I presume was a f*ckfest of sorts, and would not feel comfortable fooling around with him for a while, and definitely not before he got checked out. But also, the situation makes me want to try harder to be more of what he wants. More attractive, more sexually aggressive, more “relationship worthy”, etc. Part of me wonders whether this was actually the intended effect. 

Still, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely bothered, but I can’t put my finger on the real why, other than me being jealous, and having strange people in the space (This is a peeve). 

Perhaps he was gifting himself a special Christmas present full of ho ho ho’s, but I still thought that was a strange setup, as I wouldn’t go out and have sex with probably multiple partners in rapid succession or simultaneously if I had recently had sex. 

I do not want to lose him as a friend, as that would be foolish and I love him as a person, outside of romantic interest. I would absolutely rather have his friendship than not.

But he does things that are boyfriendish; he’s very helpful in a number of matters, he gives meaningful advice if I ask him, is insightful about behavioral observations and makes me feel like he’s interested in my well being. We spend almost every day, all day together (because I wfh, and he does too when he’s not traveling for work), and are both homebodies. We have tons of meaningful and nuanced conversations and I feel like we know each other exceptionally well and are really close. I would want to have much more sex, but he doesn’t initiate, and initiation turns me on - I definitely want to have sex when it’s clear that I am desired. He actually said early on that he wont ask for sex, (which I believe may be a thing with him). Also, the sex is fantastic, though he isn’t affectionate and there’s no kissing (which I’d prefer of course) and no touching except during the act, which makes sense given that he is not trying to establish a relationship. 

I think I can, over time, find ways to deal with him not wanting to be in a romantic relationship with me (if that’s true) but would have to eschew any non-exclusive sex if he’s sleeping with other people (because he doesn’t like rubbers). But if he was not involved with others, I honestly don’t mind being casual if I’m the only one he’s with intimately because he already feels like my boyfriend. But I realize that unless we’re in a relationship this is unlikely, since at some point there would be someone else. I’m horny very often, and crave sex with him. But I can’t share. 

 I am curious as to what is going on with him in terms of how he sees me, and what he wants from me ultimately. I realize that many single men will have sex with as many people as possible as frequently as possible, for various reasons, or take advantage of opportunistic sex, and have as much sex as they can with whomever they want. However, he's not moving anyone else 1200 miles to set up a homestead. Some of his behaviors may just be part of his ADHD personality, but I feel like he does seem to make an effort to be more than a friend. He’s hyperlogical, having said if (something) anything is not worth his time he wont do it.

I feel like I’m obsessed and I don’t like that, but maybe it’s just this deep sense of love I have for him. I want him, and really want him to want me the same way.

If I stop allowing sex based on him sleeping with others, I will still want to real bad, and that will drive me nuts being in such close proximity and not allowing myself to do so.

Admittedly I have some anxious attachment issues that I’m working to address. I believe this may be part of why I simply can’t just be casual and non-exclusive.

Where we're moving is where he's from, so he’s definitely got contacts there with whom he could be intimate if he stays single. As well as anyone else he wants to, of course.

I want to ask a bunch of questions mainly to get a sense of where his head was with his recent visitors, and address my concerns about continuing to be with him sexually given his recent jaunt. Trying to figure out the best way to approach this too.

I obviously will not be dealing with him sexually at least until I know he’s clean, as stated before. If I want to have sex with him, I will have to state that I need him to get checked in case we have sex again. If he’s not willing to get checked out, that will suck for me for sex, because I’m not interested in anything short term casual with anyone else, and I’m not interested in establishing a serious relationship with anyone else, and especially with getting ready to move in a few months.

I would greatly appreciate real, honest, feedback on all this, including whether he is very slowly wanting to progress to a relationship with me, as well as on how I should proceed to deal with him regardless of any future romantic potential. Thank you in advance if you made it this far!

[Gebidozo]

My honest feedback on this: he isn’t interested in a committed, exclusive, monogamous relationship with you. If he were, he wouldn’t be sleeping with other women, period. You and he want very different things from this connection. He wants to have an additional occasional, casual sex partner, a friend with benefits, while you want a relationship.

Obviously, this would never work, so the only sensible course of action here would be to permanently terminate your sexual relationship with him and find a real boyfriend who is willing to be exclusive with you. Whether you can still be friends with this man depends largely on whether he is interested in a normal, sexless friendship with you.

[Listening]

I really, really appreciate your reply. I guess I’m confused as to why he behaves the way he does with me, and why we seem so close. Does he really not see a potential future with me? Like with the upcoming move, if he didn’t see me in his life longterm, why would he extend that to me? Do men establish friendships like that?

Edited December 27, 2024 by Listening

[NuevoYorko]

He behaves with you the way he does because he genuinely likes you and cares about your well being.  The two of you get along well.  You're also a readily available, no strings attached sex partner.

If he were interested in you at all for a different type of relationship, NO WAY would he have told you outright that he's not attracted to you, or have sex with other women regularly when you're in the house.  

He doesn't seem at all inclined to settle down with anyone, with all these sex partners including you.    

You help him out, the two of you get along, you have sex with no strings.  Evidently he travels a lot and has pets that need taking car of and you are there for all of that. 

Why would he not want you to move with him?

[Listening]

Appreciate that ler

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

29 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

He behaves with you the way he does because he genuinely likes you and cares about your well being.  The two of you get along well.  You're also a readily available, no strings attached sex partner.

If he were interested in you at all for a different type of relationship, NO WAY would he have told you outright that he's not attracted to you, or have sex with other women regularly when you're in the house.  

He doesn't seem at all inclined to settle down with anyone, with all these sex partners including you.    

You help him out, the two of you get along, you have sex with no strings.  Evidently he travels a lot and has pets that need taking car of and you are there for all of that. 

Why would he not want you to move with him?

Truly appreciate this response as well, thank you. To be clear, he doesnt regularly have sex with other women while I’m in the house. Only times were the girl from the app (three or four times), who he introduced me to as well. But I get it, and the point still stands.

 

[Listening]

Also I can’t edit my post for clarity about the attraction statement, but during a conversation early on, he actually said “I’m not trying to be attracted to anyone”. Think this was a response during a conversation we were having about things, in relation to him saying that he didn’t feel chemistry with me and I likely asked why, and then he said he wasnt attracted to me because “he’s not trying to be atttacted to anyone”. It was oddly phrased. Regardless, it may not make any difference here, but is worth noting.

[NuevoYorko]

This is what you wrote:

Quote

he said he was not attracted to me and not looking for a relationship

So ... this, or anything similar to it, is not what a man who is interested in a woman romantically would say to her.   I'm sorry, but I'd say this is incontestable.  

[Acacia98]

I think you're obsessed with him because you've put yourself in an impossible position. You seem to have decided that your value as a human being will be decided by how much he wants to settle down with you in a monogamous relationship. He doesn't want to be with you in that way, so all his actions make you feel like you're not good enough. And you reckon that if you convince him to settle down with you, your value will shoot up and you will be happy. That's why you persist in being with him and ignoring all indications that he's not interested.

Look, he's not interested. You need to accept that. And you need to make alternative living arrangements and stop having sex with him. You're not going to change him and what he wants and how he feels. You can't change his behavior for him. The only person you have control over, and whose behavior you should change, is you. You need to take responsibility for your own life and happiness by recognizing that another person's actions or feelings do not make you more or less worthy. And then you need to spend some time being single and figuring out what you actually want it in a relationship. Once you're in a better place, you can date men whom you like and who are actually interested in you and want the same kind of relationship as you.

[Listening]

36 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

This is what you wrote:

So ... this, or anything similar to it, is not what a man who is interested in a woman romantically would say to her.   I'm sorry, but I'd say this is incontestable.  

Again, I appreciate the reply. So, regardless of whether he will change his mind ever on the relationship front (and I’m really trying to not hold out and expect that), I intend to keep him as a friend, and do the whole move previously mentioned. That means there will be lots more time together and close contact scenarios, and until I meet someone else with whom I’d like a relationship, he’s the best option. He isn’t actively pursuing anyone, and has only had  sex elsewhere the number of times I mentioned, which I know since I’m with him most of the time. So all said, that’s only a handful of times since we’ve lived together. So, would  having lots more sex with him keep him from having sex with others? By lots I mean like every other day/several times a week. If so, that would be mutually beneficial, and I wouldn’t feel like there’s an active competition taking place. And, maybe it would weigh in my favor (he called his ex an “unapologetic whore” which he said was “one of the things I liked about her”). Kind of crazy question I know, but clearly I am clueless.  I really wish I had a better grasp on how men view sex and relationships, or some solid resources to be more informed, and then behave accordingly.  

[Listening]

8 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think you're obsessed with him because you've put yourself in an impossible position. You seem to have decided that your value as a human being will be decided by how much he wants to settle down with you in a monogamous relationship. He doesn't want to be with you in that way, so all his actions make you feel like you're not good enough. And you reckon that if you convince him to settle down with you, your value will shoot up and you will be happy. That's why you persist in being with him and ignoring all indications that he's not interested.

Look, he's not interested. You need to accept that. And you need to make alternative living arrangements and stop having sex with him. You're not going to change him and what he wants and how he feels. You can't change his behavior for him. The only person you have control over, and whose behavior you should change, is you. You need to take responsibility for your own life and happiness by recognizing that another person's actions or feelings do not make you more or less worthy. And then you need to spend some time being single and figuring out what you actually want it in a relationship. Once you're in a better place, you can date men whom you like and who are actually interested in you and want the same kind of relationship as you.

I really appreciate your reply to my post as well. It’s especially hard to stomach when someone hasn’t rejected you in the same sense as being out of their lives entirely. You are entirely correct on a number of points, and I appreciate the thoughtfulness you’ve demonstrated as well. This proposed new living situation, moving with him, even without residing in the same space will be the cheapest I can think of for a while, so not doing so would cause quite a deal of strain and hardship for me. 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Listening

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Listening said:

. So, would  having lots more sex with him keep him from having sex with others? By lots I mean like every other day/several times a week. 

Really?  No.  If he's not into you romantically,  having sex with him every other day is not going to change anything.  He has sex with you now whenever both of you want to and he's not entertaining someone else in his bed.   This is what he has to offer you.   

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Listening said:

 This proposed new living situation, moving with him, even without residing in the same space will be the cheapest I can think of for a while, so not doing so would cause quite a deal of strain and hardship for me. 

So, you are financially dependent upon this man?  Why are you allowing yourself to be in this situation?  Don't you feel like it would be best for you to be able to take care of yourself?

Do you work?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Listening said:

I really wish I had a better grasp on how men view sex and relationships, or some solid resources to be more informed, and then behave accordingly.  

It's very simple:  You are Ms Right-now.  You'll as a useful roommate and casual sex until Ms Right comes along.  

Then when he meets Ms Right, she will want you out of his life and if he respects her, you'll be gone.   With regards to how to behave, he's not interested in you romantically, so your behaviour should be about protecting yourself and your heart.   Nothing you can do is going to make him want you romantically.

 

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Listening said:

I really, really appreciate your reply. I guess I’m confused as to why he behaves the way he does with me, and why we seem so close. Does he really not see a potential future with me? Like with the upcoming move, if he didn’t see me in his life longterm, why would he extend that to me? Do men establish friendships like that?

No, he doesn’t see a potential future with you as a romantic partner, that is absolutely clear. He does seem to like you as a person, and you readily provide sex when he needs it. That is convenient and pleasant to him, but not at all similar to romantic feelings and a real love relationship.

As for whether men establish friendships like that, I’d say “some do, some don’t”. Personally, I could see myself doing something like that for a short while when I was younger. Let’s just say there is nothing too strange or unusual about it. Just please understand that his attachment to you doesn’t indicate serious relationship intentions and true romantic feelings.

[Listening]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

So, you are financially dependent upon this man?  Why are you allowing yourself to be in this situation?  Don't you feel like it would be best for you to be able to take care of yourself?

Do you work?

Thanks once again for the reply. Yes I work full time, but am rebounding financially from the very nasty layoff that I mentioned, that caused me to move away. He’s actually the first housemate I’ve had, and I’ve mostly lived alone if not with a few real boyfriends over the years. So no, I’m not financially dependent on him, but the reduced rent arrangement has been extremely helpful, and rent is exorbitant where we currently live (like many places), and would be about half of what I make. I forgot to mention in my novella that I’d had an accident and lost my vehicle after the layoff, shortly before the move. He bought me a car on his credit card the month before I moved in (which I have also been paying back).  I am almost done, so that will free up an additional $400 dollars a month for me starting next month. I’m also on his car insurance. He really has been extraordinarily supportive and an outstanding friend to me. So, only paying $500 for the upcoming move is a deal, and would allow me to save. I am really leaning towards thinking that continued sexual interactions may have to cease (thanks to your and fellow commenters help on this). He’d always said that sex was a nice but unnecessary aspect of our dealings from the start. So, in healing whatever is causing me to want a romantic relationship solely with him, I can theoretically continue the friendship, and it could be beneficial both financially as well as concerning the helpful/supportive aspects of our dynamic. That said, eventually getting to a place where I resume independence until I have a romantic relationship with interdependence is the goal. 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Listening
Typo

[Listening]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Really?  No.  If he's not into you romantically,  having sex with him every other day is not going to change anything.  He has sex with you now whenever both of you want to and he's not entertaining someone else in his bed.   This is what he has to offer you.   

Thanks for your feedback here. I wonder if doing this solely for my sexual needs along with the confidence building aspects of feeling sexually desired would be worth it, just for me…

[Listening]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

No, he doesn’t see a potential future with you as a romantic partner, that is absolutely clear. He does seem to like you as a person, and you readily provide sex when he needs it. That is convenient and pleasant to him, but not at all similar to romantic feelings and a real love relationship.

As for whether men establish friendships like that, I’d say “some do, some don’t”. Personally, I could see myself doing something like that for a short while when I was younger. Let’s just say there is nothing too strange or unusual about it. Just please understand that his attachment to you doesn’t indicate serious relationship intentions and true romantic feelings.

Thank you for your reply and perspective. So, to be clear, we have sex only when I initiate, so while he obviously benefits, it happens when I’ve gotten to a point where “the need is great”, so to speak. But I think that compounds some of my problems, which means I should probably let that go and see someone else, or sublimate.

[Listening]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's very simple:  You are Ms Right-now.  You'll as a useful roommate and casual sex until Ms Right comes along.  

Then when he meets Ms Right, she will want you out of his life and if he respects her, you'll be gone.   With regards to how to behave, he's not interested in you romantically, so your behaviour should be about protecting yourself and your heart.   Nothing you can do is going to make him want you romantically.

 

I really appreciate the insight provided here, thank you. He has alluded to not wanting a relationship, citing impracticalities and feelings, so I’m not sure if he’d change his mind for a certain someone or if it’s a forever perspective. He’s also mentioned he doesn’t want marriage ever. So, I don’t think that he believes in a “Ms. Right”. I  suppose part of my behavior is based on knowing that if he doesn’t have long term interests in anyone, as long as I’m around and until I get the kind of relationship I want with someone else, what we have would be fine. That is, until a casual sexual partner other than myself comes around - which is not fine. I do realize I can’t force his hand in any regard, but the fact that humankind is influenced by and makes decisions according to various external factors everyday, it’s difficult to think that I might not at some point be seen differently, based on his choice, the more and better we come to know one another. It is within the realm of possibility, right? Maybe my eternally optimistic stance on life should not be applied to romantic relationships or especially unrequited love scenarios…

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Listening said:

I guess I’m confused as to why he behaves the way he does with me, and why we seem so close.

Because some men can compartmentalize.  He likes sex with you, but it sounds like you like it with him more than he does with you.  The fact that he gifted you sex with him on your birthday is very telling, also that he sleeps with other women.  If he were in love with you none of that would be happening.  His heart and body would crave you the way you are craving him.  You are a true FWB for him as you are there to cook, clean and be available for sex if he wants it in exchange for free rent.  I think given the way he's acting I think it would be a mistake for you to move 1200 miles away to try to hold onto him.  You are going to end up hurt and displaced when he finally finds a woman he falls in love with.

[Listening]

38 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Because some men can compartmentalize.  He likes sex with you, but it sounds like you like it with him more than he does with you.  The fact that he gifted you sex with him on your birthday is very telling, also that he sleeps with other women.  If he were in love with you none of that would be happening.  His heart and body would crave you the way you are craving him.  You are a true FWB for him as you are there to cook, clean and be available for sex if he wants it in exchange for free rent.  I think given the way he's acting I think it would be a mistake for you to move 1200 miles away to try to hold onto him.  You are going to end up hurt and displaced when he finally finds a woman he falls in love with.

Thank you for your insight and prespective on my post, it’s appreciated. I especially like how you mentioned the craving would be mutual both physically and emotionally if he loved me. He might have emotional availability problems though, as he’s ADHD and we talk about whether he might be a touch on the low end of the (autism) spectrum. To be clear it’s reduced rent, not free. And the sex only happens when I suggest (the exception was the birthday sex, which was alluded to as a possible present, which I accepted). The move would allow me to do some of the things I’ve been wanting to get into, like raising chickens, and other homesteading activities. It would take an insanely strong shift for me to not keep thinking that maybe, someday he might want a relationship as a result of being so involved in one another’s lives. And, I do think sharing this kind of tough experience would bring us closer, and have a hard time accepting that it couldn’t potentially become more as a result. I would have to find a way to eliminate that thought from my mind probably in order to be objective, which is clearly a challenge. He doesn’t seem to be interested in a romantic relationship with anyone else either as far as he says, but I suppose that could change. But since people change and circumstances can influence outcomes, I don’t understand why him shifting his view towards me is impossible, rather than a maybe, however slim.

[Els]

4 hours ago, Listening said:

I do realize I can’t force his hand in any regard, but the fact that humankind is influenced by and makes decisions according to various external factors everyday, it’s difficult to think that I might not at some point be seen differently, based on his choice, the more and better we come to know one another. It is within the realm of possibility, right?

Sure, and it's also technically possible that you win the jackpot lottery tomorrow and won't need to work for the rest of your life. However, hopefully you'd agree with me that making life decisions based on that possibility would be a terrible idea. The same goes with making life decisions based on the extremely minute possibility that this dude changes his mind.

Personally, I think FWBs can work, even among roommates, but only if both people want to be FWBs. You clearly want more, to the extent that you are obsessing over him, and he clearly does not. This can only lead to heartbreak for you. If I were you, the first order of priority would be to get finances in order to move out ASAP, because otherwise you are never going to move on.

Also, moving 1200 miles for him would be INSANE. What are you even going to do with your job? That just makes you more dependent on him. Hard pass.

Edited December 27, 2024 by Els

[Listening]

23 minutes ago, Els said:

Sure, and it's also technically possible that you win the jackpot lottery tomorrow and won't need to work for the rest of your life. However, hopefully you'd agree with me that making life decisions based on that possibility would be a terrible idea. The same goes with making life decisions based on the extremely minute possibility that this dude changes his mind.

Personally, I think FWBs can work, even among roommates, but only if both people want to be FWBs. You clearly want more, to the extent that you are obsessing over him, and he clearly does not. This can only lead to heartbreak for you. If I were you, the first order of priority would be to get finances in order to move out ASAP, because otherwise you are never going to move on.

Also, moving 1200 miles away for him would be INSANE. What are you even going to do with your job? That just makes you more dependent on him. Hard pass.

I really appreciate the honest advice to my post, Els. Great points. My job is remote, so that part is easy. Again, the move would be for my benefit in many ways (regardless of romantic possibilities) in relation to gaining the skillsets and experience I mentioned. I love camping, hiking and survival scenarios, so this is actually something I’ve considered. If I did it, I would be doing so with someone hyperintelligent, resourceful and fun. It would definitely be an adventure. But, maybe the desire to be with/near him is impacting my decision overall? You say I will never move on if I proceed as planned, but is it at all possible to genuinely shift to a purely platonic friendship and not feel conflicted about it? Especially when it’s someone for whom one has had such intense feelings? Can one fall out of love intentionally and entirely, while retaining a true, simple platonic love for an individual? I’d honestly forego all sexual contact and any notions of a future romantic relationship with him if this were possible. I value his friendship that much. I can only remember one relationship about 10 years ago where I felt similarly, and that man and I were actually together for a few years. But I had lots of options as well at the time, and went out more etc., so it was less hurtful when we broke up. 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Listening
Typo

[Els]

4 minutes ago, Listening said:

I love camping, hiking and survival scenarios, so this is actually something I’ve considered. If I did it, I would be doing so with someone hyperintelligent, resourceful and fun. It would definitely be an adventure. But, maybe the desire to be with/near him is impacting my decision overall? You say I will never move on if I proceed as planned, but is it at all possible to genuinely shift to a purely platonic friendship and not feel conflicted about it? Especially when it’s someone for whom one has had such intense feelings? Can one fall out of love intentionally and entirely, while retaining a true, simple platonic love for an individual?

Look, if you liked camping and hiking, you would be doing it already without him having to ask you. You'd be joining camping and hiking clubs, going with your other friends, going solo. This is clearly about him and not about camping/hiking.

It's not possible to rewire your brain like that if you're still living together and having sex together. If you move out and have your own life, and let him move 1200 miles away without you, then yes you might be able to eventually be platonic friends. But not if you go with him.

[ShyViolet]

He has clearly told you that he's not interested in a relationship with you and that he's not even attracted to you.  Instead of kidding yourself into thinking there's potential for a relationship here, you would be best served by listening to what he has told you.  He has sex with you once in a while because it is convenient, no strings attached sex.   He openly dates and sleeps with other women.  He keeps you around for convenience.  It's very telling that even though you live in the same house and he knows your offer of sex is on the table at all times, he doesn't even consistently take you up on it.  It's free sex for him but it's not even sex that he wants that much.

20 hours ago, Listening said:

I accepted, as an off-grid type living situation has appealed to me for a while, and admittedly doing such a thing with him seems like the perfect recipe for an eventual relationship.

It's just cringey, how deeply you are kidding yourself.  He couldn't have made it more clear that he isn't interested in you that way.  If any part of him was interested in a relationship with you, then he would be in a relationship with you.

It's insane that you are making plans to move 1200 miles away with him, and in effect make yourself very financially dependent on him.  This is a guy who you have a massive crush on and are obsessed with, and he doesn't return the feelings.  He will never be in a relationship with you, he will never stop dating others, he will never want you the way you want him.  Why don't you find someone who actually wants you instead of being the girl that this guy keeps around just for convenience and occasional casual sex?

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Listening said:

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 I especially like how you mentioned the craving would be mutual both physically and emotionally if he loved me. He might have emotional availability problems though, as he’s ADHD and we talk about whether he might be a touch on the low end of the (autism) spectrum.

I've seen men who have a history of being emotionally unavailable become downright sappy once they meet the woman they fall head over heels for to the point they were unrecognizable.  When people fall in love their emotions are highly engaged and can't be hidden.  Even when they try to hide them.

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To be clear it’s reduced rent, not free.

Well that means you a help to his finances by living with him plus doing the cooking and available for sex if he wants it.  So I can understand better now why he is offering to take you along with him.  Not a bad deal for him but not a good one at all for you in the long run.

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And the sex only happens when I suggest (the exception was the birthday sex, which was alluded to as a possible present, which I accepted).

If sex only happens when you suggest it that means he isn't the one who is wanting you but giving into you.  How does that make you feel as a woman?

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The move would allow me to do some of the things I’ve been wanting to get into, like raising chickens, and other homesteading activities.

How long do you think this relationship is going to last like this.  You are making plans for the future with a man who hasn't promised you one with him.

 

It would take an insanely strong shift for me to not keep thinking that maybe, someday he might want a relationship as a result of being so involved in one another’s lives. And, I do think sharing this kind of tough experience would bring us closer, and have a hard time accepting that it couldn’t potentially become more as a result. I would have to find a way to eliminate that thought from my mind probably in order to be objective, which is clearly a challenge. He doesn’t seem to be interested in a romantic relationship with anyone else either as far as he says, but I suppose that could change. But since people change and circumstances can influence outcomes, I don’t understand why him shifting his view towards me is impossible, rather than a maybe, however slim.

You are trying to do what a lot of women do when accepting a FWB set up.  You are starting out as a FWB hoping it will morph into an exclusive relationship, which rarely happens.