Don't know what to do about loving roomie - Very Long Post

[Listening]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

He has clearly told you that he's not interested in a relationship with you and that he's not even attracted to you.  Instead of kidding yourself into thinking there's potential for a relationship here, you would be best served by listening to what he has told you.  He has sex with you once in a while because it is convenient, no strings attached sex.   He openly dates and sleeps with other women.  He keeps you around for convenience.  It's very telling that even though you live in the same house and he knows your offer of sex is on the table at all times, he doesn't even consistently take you up on it.  It's free sex for him but it's not even sex that he wants that much.

It's just cringey, how deeply you are kidding yourself.  He couldn't have made it more clear that he isn't interested in you that way.  If any part of him was interested in a relationship with you, then he would be in a relationship with you.

It's insane that you are making plans to move 1200 miles away with him, and in effect make yourself very financially dependent on him.  This is a guy who you have a massive crush on and are obsessed with, and he doesn't return the feelings.  He will never be in a relationship with you, he will never stop dating others, he will never want you the way you want him.  Why don't you find someone who actually wants you instead of being the girl that this guy keeps around just for convenience and occasional casual sex?

I really appreciate your reply here and how much insight you’ve shared. I am grateful for any truths as long as they are in fact, true. The fact that you said “it’s free sex…that he really doesn’t want that much” really hit home, since somehow I hadn’t thought about it that way. I guess him consistently taking me up on it would be him initiating, right?  I certainly do want a loving, reciprocal, intensely erotic, exclusive, monigamous relationship, but have not been seeking out anything else, having been blown away by meeting and getting to know him (and of course, thinking he’s “it”). I sense that I have some anxious attachment/abandonment issues that need working through, for sure. I wonder if the fact that he’s nicer to me, and supports me more than any one else makes me want him so much, and think that he’s doing these things because he wants me too? That was kind of a lightbulb moment for me, so thank you for inspiring that!! I am highly introspective and try to operate with a sense of awareness, always actively seeking to improve in all areas of my life, and this is no different. What’s funny is that if you dealt with me socially or professionally, you’d never guess I deal with sh*t like this. People who meet me generally enjoy my charisma, kindness, outgoing nature, generosity, intelligence, etc., and say as much. They would never know I deal with whatever is at the root if this, which I’m obviously still trying to figure out.

[Listening]

1 hour ago, Els said:

Look, if you liked camping and hiking, you would be doing it already without him having to ask you. You'd be joining camping and hiking clubs, going with your other friends, going solo. This is clearly about him and not about camping/hiking.

It's not possible to rewire your brain like that if you're still living together and having sex together. If you move out and have your own life, and let him move 1200 miles away without you, then yes you might be able to eventually be platonic friends. But not if you go with him.

Thanks again for your input. I think you may have misinterpreted some of what I said. I am a part of Meetups for camping and hiking, and go alone (hiking) occasionally as well. I was mentioning all that for the thematic aspect that ties into homesteading/nature. Really appreciate that last paragraph too. That kind of encapsulates exactly what I needed to hear. I really appreciate all of this advice so much, you have no idea.

[Listening]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You are trying to do what a lot of women do when accepting a FWB set up.  You are starting out as a FWB hoping it will morph into an exclusive relationship, which rarely happens.

You hit so many nails on so many heads here - wow. You’re right about questioning the sex initiation aspect in relation to how I feel as a woman. Being desired is a principle driver of desire and the good feelings that come along with being desired and knowing that, so not having that need genuinely met just reinforces this sense of “Am I not doing enough to turn him on?” “Am I not enough?” “Why am I not enough?”, and on and on. Lightbulb moment. And yeah the setup I’d be in a region of the country that has a climate I’m not that fond of, with no friends other than him, further from family, and hoping a man who is not into me maybe screws me, when I ask, only when he’s not screwing other people. And then he does, and I witness it, after moving 1200 mi to “be with him”. That would probably really mess me up. It really does sound absurd through that lens. So appreciative of this input.

[Listening]

I just want to express how grateful I am to you all for weighing in on this situation. Poignant truths all around. I really needed objective, third party takes to come to an understanding on all this, and that is what you’ve provided. If any of you shared PO boxes I would send you cookies. 

[ShyViolet]

34 minutes ago, Listening said:

I just want to express how grateful I am to you all for weighing in on this situation. Poignant truths all around. I really needed objective, third party takes to come to an understanding on all this, and that is what you’ve provided. If any of you shared PO boxes I would send you cookies. 

I'm glad this forum was able to open your eyes to a new perspective on your situation.  I hope you are seriously reconsidering this idea to move with him.  This dynamic you have with him is extremely dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy.  If you moved with him you would be even further making this guy the whole center of your life, keeping yourself financially dependent on him, isolating yourself from anything and anyone else, clinging to false hopes that there may be a chance he'll be in a relationship with you someday.  You seem like a very intelligent person.  I hope you can really look at this situation more rationally before you make some very poor decisions.

And I must question what kind of guy would keep a woman in a position the way he has kept you, knowing that you have feelings for him that he doesn't return and in a way exploiting those feelings.  It is all extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy.

You should make your New Year's Resolution to give yourself a chance at an actual healthy relationship.  You will never get that with this guy.

[Listening]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm glad this forum was able to open your eyes to a new perspective on your situation.  I hope you are seriously reconsidering this idea to move with him.  This dynamic you have with him is extremely dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy.  If you moved with him you would be even further making this guy the whole center of your life, keeping yourself financially dependent on him, isolating yourself from anything and anyone else, clinging to false hopes that there may be a chance he'll be in a relationship with you someday.  You seem like a very intelligent person.  I hope you can really look at this situation more rationally before you make some very poor decisions.

And I must question what kind of guy would keep a woman in a position the way he has kept you, knowing that you have feelings for him that he doesn't return and in a way exploiting those feelings.  It is all extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy.

You should make your New Year's Resolution to give yourself a chance at an actual healthy relationship.  You will never get that with this guy.

Thank you, once again for the additional observations. I am more than seriously considering not moving away with him, though it’s scary to consider how to make it work. And yes, completely resolving this matter is at the very top of that resolutions list. I hope to be able to contribute as meaningfully as everyone has here for others, once I’ve gotten my sh*t together. 

[Els]

57 minutes ago, Listening said:

I just want to express how grateful I am to you all for weighing in on this situation. Poignant truths all around. I really needed objective, third party takes to come to an understanding on all this, and that is what you’ve provided. If any of you shared PO boxes I would send you cookies. 

If you came back in the future and updated us about how you moved out and started dating others, that would be a better gift than cookies, IMO. And I really like cookies, so that's saying something.

Glad we managed to help, and best of luck!

[Listening]

2 minutes ago, Els said:

If you came back in the future and updated us about how you moved out and started dating others, that would be a better gift than cookies, IMO. And I really like cookies, so that's saying something.

Glad we managed to help, and best of luck!

Thank you, and I appreciate the well-wishes. And yes, I fully intend to update, sooner than later!