Is this discourse effective for my avoidant ex partner?

[biscuitsss]

A few days ago we broke up for the second time, but I want to come back, so I am planning to say the next words to my significant other, who has an avoidant attachment style (while I have an anxious one). Can an avoidant person read this and tell me if you would find something threatening in these words? What would you change in order to feel more open to have an honest conversation and consider to go back together? Thank you in advance:

"I really appreciate that you agreed to meet with me and listen to me. It means a lot to me what you do for me. [Could we hold hands?] Before I begin, please interrupt or correct me whenever you feel it’s necessary, okay?

Baby: I love you. I want to tell you that this relationship is very important to me, and I want to work to take care of it and strengthen it.

On Monday, I felt hurt because you didn’t want to spend Christmas with me, and I acted impulsively, letting myself be carried away by that emotion. It was also the first day of my period, and, well, the hormones didn’t help. I say it was impulsive because I didn’t wake up that day planning to break up with you, nor was it something I really wanted to do. I think something similar happened last time; you didn’t intend that to happen, and it did. I want to make it clear that this is not what I truly want. My real desire is to be with you and work together to build something better.

That’s why I’ve started therapy, for my personal well-being but also because I want to learn how to support you better and be a safe place for you. Going to therapy will help me not to let myself be driven by my momentary emotions and to focus on what I truly want: to be happy with you.

I perceive that, like me, you desire connection, love, and security. I believe you’ve felt that with me, although now you’re not as sure anymore (correct me if I’m wrong). I trust that we can continue without pain and with happiness because we were once like that, and I know we still have that in us.

I know you value this relationship because I’ve noticed your efforts to keep me in your life. That tells me that I matter to you. I also understand that right now, you might feel confused or hurt, and I want you to know that I’m here to listen to how you feel and understand you better.

What we’ve had isn’t something that’s faked; it’s not something you pretend—a relationship as beautiful and fertile as the one we started. I understand you never wanted to hurt me. I’m grateful that you care for me, and I ask you to let me care for you. I think I haven’t given you as much security in the relationship lately (correct me if I’m wrong).

If you look at it objectively, do you really think our problem is that big? There haven’t been infidelities, violence, disrespect, etc. It’s more of a “I don’t know what to do in this situation, and since it hasn’t been fixed, it never will be, so let’s break up to avoid hurting each other more” (what do you think?). But I believe that separating could hurt us even more. I perceive, from our actions, that our hearts don’t want that. If we’ve already found this special connection, why the hell should we let it go? We’ve both made an effort so far. I acknowledge your effort, and I appreciate it so much.

I know you’re not used to saying “I love you” or giving hugs and showing affection (correct me if I’m wrong), and it’s not your fault. But I saw you very comfortable expressing it with me (how did that make you feel?), and I want to keep seeing you happy. I know that love is a choice, a very brave one. You and I are brave; we’ve already taken the first step. Now comes the most complex part: staying together and maintaining that sense of well-being and happiness.

I want to ask you to trust me once again, as you’ve done so many times before. You know me, and you know I can learn and grow to make our connection even stronger. My desire is to take care of you, trust you, and for you to trust me, continue getting to know each other better, and respect you. Like you once told me: “let yourself be loved.” When you told me that, you meant letting me accept the physical affection you wanted to give me, and today I want to return it. I’m asking you to let me take care of you, let me make you feel loved, and show you how much you mean to me. I promise to be more responsible each time. I suggest that this time we don’t run from each other; let’s stay. No relationship has ever been or will ever be perfect, and ours isn’t in such a negative place as it may seem; in fact, it has so much beauty and potential (what do you think?).

I haven’t given up. I want to stop fighting and feeling resentful between us to start fighting FOR us. You and I are a great team; we push each other, and when one needs a push, the other gives it. I believe this relationship is worth all the effort in the world. Do you still believe it? (Honestly, respond). If so, let’s continue it and work on it. And if you don’t know what to do to get us back on track, let me help us discover it together. Life is like that—it’s a game, we don’t know everything, and we need to figure it out on the way. It takes two.

In conclusion, my desire is clear: I want to be happy with you, keep getting to know you, and build an even stronger relationship. If you also desire this, I propose that we face these challenges as a team. I’m here to listen to you and work together on whatever comes next.

I want to ask you: how do you feel about this? Be honest with me because I want us to move forward in a way that’s good for both of us. I’m willing to discover together the path toward a healthier, happier relationship.

Babe, I love you, and I believe this can work if we both choose it. I know it can be overwhelming to talk about our feelings and needs. I’m willing to go at a pace that feels comfortable for you, and I want you to know that I’m here, with my heart and arms open, ready to give my best for us."

[basil67]

This whole message is going to be waaaay too much for him.  I'm not even avoidant and this is exhausting to read.  All the feelings!  All the plans!  Asking him to tell you how he feels!  Please, please don't send it.   Instead, tell him "I messed up and am starting therapy".  Just one sentence which asks nothing of him. 

That said, he's clearly not meeting your needs, hence your anxiety gets worse.  Why wouldn't he spend Christmas with you?   Was he committed to family events and you haven't been together long enough for you to be invited?   Or was it that he couldn't be bothered seeing you?    And why did you break up the previous time?   

When you're doing therapy, I really hope you spend a bit of time looking at whether this relationship is the right fit for you.  

 

Edited December 27, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

I don't put much stock in the labels so I am just going to skip by that part.

Questions:  Why didn't he want to spend Christmas with you, and is this the only reason you decided to break up with him?

Avoidant, anxious, whatever - it would be off putting to a great many people to have been broken up with and then to receive this kind of communication, which doesn't really even touch on the reasons you broke up.  And do you owe an apology for doing that?  It would seem so, but your message seems to be mostly like: let's just forget that happened and move on.  

That will probably be hard to take, since he was the dumpee.

I'm not sure you will be perceived as a trustworthy person by him.

[S2B]

Who was the one to diagnose your significant other as avoidant?

why do you think you need to swallow all your feelings in order to keep this going?

why would you want to do that to yourself?

it seems you two are mismatched.

[Gebidozo]

I’m the very opposite of avoidant, in fact my attachment style is much closer to anxious (though I prefer to not use these labels), but even I find your message too much. It’s too openly needy, pleading, overly emotional, drawing too much attention to yourself, putting pressure on him. Please don’t send it. Send something short and to the point, like @basil67 suggests.

[S2B]

Why would you bend and twist to be with someone so I’ll matched for yourself?

you need someone who understands you and participates in a way that you feel heard and understood.

you won’t get that from him.

[spiritedaway2003]

Did you ask ChatGPT to type that up, honestly?

I have a secured attachment style, and I still that your whole blurb of text is too much.  If I have an avoidant personality, I might run away.  

Keep it simple.  "I am sorry for breaking up with you when I was overly emotional about things; I was really upset about why we can't be together for Christmas.  Can we talk about it?" and then just have a real conversation together.   You can't plan every part of the conversation out in advance.  If you can't even have a real, simple conversation like that together, that doesn't bode well for your relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

When you have to campaign this hard and supplicate to someone else this much, the problems in the relationship have little to do with with attachment styles. 

It's too much. As the others have already advised, keep it simple. Much simpler than the wall of text above. But also don't overlook your own valid needs and desires in a relationship. Maybe this really isn't the person for you and you are not yet ready to face that. 

 

Edited December 28, 2024 by ExpatInItaly