Left me on Christmas.

[ctwatlanta]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and provide advice.

My g/f and I each have 1 adult +20 yr old kid and 1 teen kid from our priors and we have been together for 4 years.  She and her 14 yr old have lived with me and my 13 yr old for about 2.5 years.

Yesterday we woke up in a great mood and excited for Christmas day.  In fact, we had sex Christmas morning and were taking a shower together when she flipped out.  While taking a shower I mentioned to her that my 22 year old would be visiting, too.  That's when she completely and utterly lost it.  Full blown screaming at the top of her lungs, cussing me out and telling me it was over.  Why the reaction you ask?

...because g/f thinks I still make my 22 yr old my priority instead of her and because I failed to discuss or mention to her that she was coming over for Christmas and spending the night. Mind you, this would be the first time my daughter has visited me in a year!  Honestly, I really believed I had told g/f weeks ago that my daughter was coming, but apparently, I had not.

Two years ago, my 22 yr old had a severe mental break while at college.  I didn't know it but my daughter had got hooked on Delta 8 vaping at college and was having psychosis delusions and talked about suicide.  As a dad...it was heart wrenching for me.  I fell into a deep despair and for the next 1.5 years she went through detox/rehab and I focused everything on getting my daughter well again.  I think most loving parents would have done the same.

Unfortunately, I admittedly did not make a huge effort in making my g/f a priority during that 1.5 yr timeframe.  I was in a fog most days feeling as though I was trying to save my daughter.  Eventually, G/F began to resent my daughter and became more and more bitter towards her.  She blames my daughter's bad decisions on our relationship getting sidelined for 1.5 yrs and blames me for not prioritizing her during that time.  I understand how my g/f feels that way, too.  We began couples counseling 2 yrs ago and I worked through my issues and both my g/f and daughter have bonded somewhat as they meet for dinner, nails, etc.  My daughter is out and doing much better, and over the last year or more I have committed to making things right between my g/f and I.  I literally have bent over backwards working to prove myself and making her a priority in my life.  Despite all the counseling and bonding...my g/f still gets triggered beyond belief over things dealing with my daughter that I have not discussed with her.  It was an honest mistake.  I really believed I had told her.

Got up this morning and a txt msg was left by g/f telling me she'd be out in 6 weeks.  I responded to her txt and told her I was sorry for not communicating it with her as it was an honest mistake, but while I don't want us to end... I'd support her decision to leave if it's what she wants.  I can't sleep, eat or even think straight.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ctwatlanta said:

I really believed I had told her.

If you had told your wife, she would have reacted - and you would have remembered that.  You would remember being relieved that she was cool with it, or you'd remember being upset that she's still mad at your daughter.

Further, why were you not organising the house a couple of days in advance of her visit?  When a guest stays, we make the spare bed with fresh sheets. We put extra towels on the bed.  We give the bathroom an extra scrub.  We wonder about what food to have.   Perhaps you were planning that your wife would do it all....but if so, why were you not making sure your wife was on top of it all?   And where were the conversations in the days prior to Xmas about you looking forward to seeing her?   

The absence of any of these activities suggests to me that you deliberately withheld information about your daughter coming.  Your story does not pass the pub test.   

[Acacia98]

I honestly feel for you, OP.

Let her go. The level of resentment you describe her developing during the 1.5-year period sounds insurmountable to me. Maybe she was perfectly justified to feel that way. Maybe she could have been more empathetic. I don't know. Whatever the case, I'm not a fan of situations where people simmer silently, holding grudges for years, and then you have to spend forever atoning for your "sins." If that's the current state of the relationship, then I sincerely believe it's a good idea to give each other space. If during your time apart, she feels like the relationship is worth salvaging, she will reach out. If not, she won't. But let her go.

[Gebidozo]

A girlfriend who holds grudges like this and then freaks out and breaks up over your daughter’s visit, no matter how poorly you handled it, is somebody I wouldn’t want to be together with anyway. I know it hurts, but you have to understand, this isn’t some sudden occurrence, she’s been resenting the situation for a while and this was just the final straw for her. You can and will find somebody who is more understanding and kind, but I think you might want to use the time alone to work on your communication skills. Be open and don’t hide anything, it’s never worth it.

[ctwatlanta]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you had told your wife, she would have reacted - and you would have remembered that.  You would remember being relieved that she was cool with it, or you'd remember being upset that she's still mad at your daughter.

Further, why were you not organising the house a couple of days in advance of her visit?  When a guest stays, we make the spare bed with fresh sheets. We put extra towels on the bed.  We give the bathroom an extra scrub.  We wonder about what food to have.   Perhaps you were planning that your wife would do it all....but if so, why were you not making sure your wife was on top of it all?   And where were the conversations in the days prior to Xmas about you looking forward to seeing her?   

The absence of any of these activities suggests to me that you deliberately withheld information about your daughter coming.  Your story does not pass the pub test.   

Hi Basil

I really do remember telling her and she didn't react to it.  You have to understand that the mention of my daughter's name sends my wife into a tailspin; therefore, I'm constantly walking on eggshells when it comes to anything with my daughter being a topic.  Hindsight is always 20-20 and l now realize that I should have really taken the time to sit her down and discuss it with her.  I didn't.  Looking back...I think I tried to gloss over it quickly hoping it would not lead to a blowout.  I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  That said, she and I both purchased presents for my daughter so I know that my wife was expecting her to be here on Christmas.  She just wasn't aware that my daughter was spending the night.  I should have done a better job of discussing that aspect with her.

I didn't need to organize the house for my daughter.  The house remains organized and her bedroom has not been touched since she last visited a year ago.  We have a maid that comes every 2 weeks and cleans every room, changes sheets, etc.  In fact, the weekend before Christmas, my wife and I wrapped all the kids presents, including my daughters.  My wife bought my daughter a Lulu purse and wrapped it herself.  We discussed the entire day and how they would all arrive at 1pm to open presents and then we'd have a big Christmas dinner together at 5pm.  My wife knew all of this and invited friends over to join us at 5pm.  We even talked about my daughter going to visit her friend across the street after dinner.  She was NOT surprised that my daughter was coming.  She was surprised that my daughter was staying the night though, and that's where things went off the rails.  I just don't understand how my 22 year old coming to see her dad for the first time in a year and spending a single night could be so horrific to anyone.  My daughter was here for less than 24 hours and she adores my wife!

My wife has 2 sons.  One is in the military and the other lives with us.  I have never once told her that her sons were not welcome or that she has to run it by me if they visit.  In fact, the one in the military has shown up before to surprise us.  I didn't make him feel unwelcome or flip out on my wife.  Her youngest son is a major pain and a constant disruption in the house, but I have never once told her that he wasn't welcome or made her feel like she needed to "discuss" things with me as it relates to him being here.  Our relationship has become very one-sided where I have to run everything by her as it relates to my kids and if I miss one thing then I'm crucified for it.  I realize that my daughter coming is a major trigger for her, and I don't mean to trivialize it, but I really had hoped she would have taken a different approach to it...even though I messed up.  I could understand her being upset with me for not discussing it all in detail, and then perhaps said that it's Christmas, she's not been here in a year and that it was fine.  I would have never ever expected the kind of reaction I got.  She cussed me out, called me horrendous things, yelled about my daughter and then stormed out of the house walking by everyone as everyone was downstairs ready to open presents.  It was excruciating to see the expression on the kids face as she walked past them out the door on Christmas morning, shut it and didn't come back...

Each of my daughters even sent her text msgs telling her thank you for the presents.  My oldest that she has issues with sent her a super sweet msg telling her thank you and that she hoped they could get together again for dinner/lunch.  My wife didn't even respond to her to her request.  That hurts terribly.  My daughter has no idea that my wife has such resentment to her either...  I have had to keep it from my daughter.

Edited December 27, 2024 by ctwatlanta

[ctwatlanta]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I honestly feel for you, OP.

Let her go. The level of resentment you describe her developing during the 1.5-year period sounds insurmountable to me. Maybe she was perfectly justified to feel that way. Maybe she could have been more empathetic. I don't know. Whatever the case, I'm not a fan of situations where people simmer silently, holding grudges for years, and then you have to spend forever atoning for your "sins." If that's the current state of the relationship, then I sincerely believe it's a good idea to give each other space. If during your time apart, she feels like the relationship is worth salvaging, she will reach out. If not, she won't. But let her go.

Hi Acacia

I've struggled with this so much over the last several years.  My g/f resents my daughter so much that I have to walk on complete eggshells for anything relating to her.  If my daughter texts me to say 'hello'...then I get this knot in my stomach because when my g/f sees the msg she gets upset and says things like, "You and your daughter are enmeshed!" or "You two act like a couple and I'm not your priority!"  I had never heard of the word enmeshed until I started dating her.  I do love my kids and I do enjoy their company and talking to them.  My parents did that with me.  I heard from my mom almost daily before she passed away.  My g/f never experienced that.  She was abandoned as a child and raised in foster homes.  She has virtually no relationship with her biological parents and never experienced love from them.  The way she raised her sons is very odd to me.  She said her job as a mom was NOT to make them happy but rather to discipline them and teach them to be independent.  I don't disagree, but she's pushed both of her sons away tremendously.  In fact, the youngest that's 14 told me a week ago that he can't handle living with her any longer and has decided to move in with his dad.  This devastated her as her son didn't even come home on Christmas.  I think she was already upset over that, but she gets extremely jealous of anyone that I focus too much attention on, which in this case was my oldest daughter when she was going through detox/rehab.

[ctwatlanta]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

A girlfriend who holds grudges like this and then freaks out and breaks up over your daughter’s visit, no matter how poorly you handled it, is somebody I wouldn’t want to be together with anyway. I know it hurts, but you have to understand, this isn’t some sudden occurrence, she’s been resenting the situation for a while and this was just the final straw for her. You can and will find somebody who is more understanding and kind, but I think you might want to use the time alone to work on your communication skills. Be open and don’t hide anything, it’s never worth it.

I have a similar mindset as you do.  My g/f has a 14 year old son that lives with us and he often makes life a living hell here.  I have NEVER once flipped out over the way he reacts in this house.  He is the most disrespectful kid I have ever seen, and he is only that way to his mom...not to me or anyone else!  He tells her to shut up, he slams his bedroom door in her face, he walks by and ignores her when she speaks to him, etc.  My kids would never ever act that way.  Nonetheless, I care about her son and treat him like my own child.  I could have flipped out and told her that he wasn't welcome here if he continued to act that way, but I have never done that.  However, if my daughter takes a bottle of water out of the fridge without replacing it...she is yelled at by my g/f and told she can never have another bottle of water.  My oldest hasn't stepped foot in this house for a year because of my g/f.  I really though that after a year long absence that my g/f wouldn't have acted the way she did.  I was so wrong.

[basil67]

xx

 

Edited December 27, 2024 by basil67

[basil67]

7 hours ago, ctwatlanta said:

However, if my daughter takes a bottle of water out of the fridge without replacing it...she is yelled at by my g/f and told she can never have another bottle of water.  My oldest hasn't stepped foot in this house for a year because of my g/f.  I really though that after a year long absence that my g/f wouldn't have acted the way she did.  I was so wrong.

Aside from whether or not your partner knew about your daughter coming, why on earth would you invite your child into a house where she is treated like this?   A house where your partner goes from OK to ballistic?   A house where her older sibling refuses to visit!

Edited December 27, 2024 by basil67

[ctwatlanta]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Aside from whether or not your partner knew about your daughter coming, why on earth would you invite your child into a house where she is treated like this?   A house where your partner goes from OK to ballistic?   A house where her older sibling refuses to visit!

Hi Basil.  Why would I invite my daughter here?  It's my home that I paid off years ago and where we were celebrating Christmas.  You would think I would be allowed to do that, right?  Now whether or not my partner knew my oldest was coming to visit or not has no real relevance IMO.  I would never ever demand that she 'ask me' for permission or require she discuss her son coming to visit.  I told her years ago that her son was always welcome!  I don't need to know in advance or be asked permission for one of our children to come visit us!  That's just crazy!  Nonetheless, that's what is required of me by my partner, and when she says I didn't do this she claimed that I don't prioritize her, then screamed at me, cussed me out and left.  She's currently sleeping in another part of the house while gets her belongings together and looks for another place for her and her son.  This is just pure insanity.

[basil67]

@ctwatlanta   Yes, I understand you own the house, but the fact you own a property does not mean that it's emotionally safe for a child to visit or reside there.

Of course you want your daughter there, but your (ex) partner hates her and it's so unfair to ask her to be somewhere where others hate her.   Apparently it's so intoleable that your eldest has already made a stand against visiting.  And there's the boy who makes everyone's life 'a living hell'.  

Your partner packing up and leaving is the best outcome you could have hoped for.  I just hope your daughter isn't upset about your partner being so toxic as to hide from her.

Edited December 28, 2024 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

While I sympathize with you and think that your GF’s behavior is nasty and lacking empathy and understanding, I think you should still tell people you live with that someone is coming to stay. This is just common courtesy.

[ctwatlanta]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

While I sympathize with you and think that your GF’s behavior is nasty and lacking empathy and understanding, I think you should still tell people you live with that someone is coming to stay. This is just common courtesy.

I completely understand your point, and do not disagree.  It is common courtesy to let the person you live with and are in a committed relationship with know that guests are coming.  The only caveat to that is she knew with 100% certainty that my daughter was coming over on Christmas.  She had purchased my daughter a present and we wrapped it together the day before.  We even talked about her arrival time of 1pm EST.  So, she knew my daughter was coming.  The ONLY thing that I obviously forgot to discuss with her was that my daughter was staying the night with us.  She spent one night here and got up the next morning and left.  That's it.  She just wanted to visit us!  That's the part that I simply cannot wrap my head around....  I would never ever expect or need my partner to ask me if her 2 sons could spend the night with us.  They are always welcome and you don't need my permission!  Isn't this what parents do for their children???

[ctwatlanta]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

@ctwatlanta   Yes, I understand you own the house, but the fact you own a property does not mean that it's emotionally safe for a child to visit or reside there.

Of course you want your daughter there, but your (ex) partner hates her and it's so unfair to ask her to be somewhere where others hate her.   Apparently it's so intoleable that your eldest has already made a stand against visiting.  And there's the boy who makes everyone's life 'a living hell'.  

Your partner packing up and leaving is the best outcome you could have hoped for.  I just hope your daughter isn't upset about your partner being so toxic as to hide from her.

Hi Basil.

Yes, my partner can make it difficult for my kids and her own son.  She is extremely demanding of us all and has an extremely short fuse.  Our couples' therapist said she has severe PTSD and abandonment issues from her own childhood.  Her parents dumped her off at foster homes when she was 4 and pretty much never looked back.  So, she has some emotional trauma that she has yet to work through.  She believes that she should be my #1 priority in my life...no exceptions.  That stems from her abandonment issues.  If she's always #1 then she won't be abandoned.  Unfortunately, my partner was not my priority in 2023 as my daughter had to enter rehab when she was 20 because unknown to me, she got hooked on this awful vape garbage while away at college called Delta 8 and Blue Lotus.  Those things are horrific on kids.  Trust me.  They cause severe psychosis, delusions, etc.  If you have children, PLEASE keep an eye on them.  This stuff is everywhere.  My world got turned upside down while she was in rehab. She was completely full blown delusional/psychosis and contemplating suicide, etc.  As a parent...it's your worst nightmare.  So, during her nearly year stint in rehab I became extremely focused on helping my daughter get better.  Wouldn't any loving parent do the same?  She's been out now for year and on her own with roommates and getting better each day.  That is where things went south for my partner and I.  Admittedly, I lost focus on my partner during that time, and she took a backseat while I dealt with my daughter.  As mentioned, due to my partners own childhood trauma she believes she should always be my #1 priority.  I know now there should have been a much better balance of me prioritizing my daughter and my partner and have deep remorse for it.  I have spent the last year or more bending over backwards to show my partner that she's my priority and doing everything she's asked to make changes in my life.  In fact, our couple's therapist said, "I have gone above and beyond to make amends."  I know I have, but my partner refuses to let go of the past.  She became very bitter towards my daughter because she believes that my daughters bad choices derailed my focus on our relationship and put it onto her.  That said, I had believed they started to reconcile.  During the last year, they have met several times for dinner and lunch and enjoyed each other's company.  However, it's quite obvious to me now that my partner never let it go and her potential visit to our home causes a complete and utter meltdown.  I feel like at this point the only way I can truly make my partner happy and fulfilled is to turn my back on my daughter completely, which I will never do.  It's so very difficult.

[basil67]

So it seems that your ex-partner has made the right choice in leaving.  She's not in any state to be a good partner or parent.  While you may be OK with her behaviour, she cannot be anywhere near your children

 

Edited December 28, 2024 by basil67