107 days since LTR break up

[Angelfire]

It's been 107 days for me after 8 years.

We're still Facebook friends which is weird but I didn't want to be the one. He reached out twice but not to reconcile or apologize or anything just to meet him out with our mutual friends. I ignored. Contact me during the week when not under the influence otherwise, no. He did say he hoped we could talk and be friends again one day but that was a month and a half after we broke up and I was still so mad.

A big drunken fight ended us. I had enough. It was mostly amicable though. I only initiated contact once to wish him a happy birthday last week. I got a merry Christmas on my Merry Christmas post on Facebook and a heart react with several other Merry Christmas greetings from others. Nothing special about his message.

I got the sudden urge to reach out to him today and even started writing a letter. I didn't finish it or really intend to send but did think about it hard for about 10 minutes. 

I'm hurting more now than I have yet. Maybe it's the holidays or his lack of reaching out. Maybe he thinks I need to do it since he's the once that already reached out. I'm terrified I'll finally be ready to reach out and accept my part in our down fall and I don't even know what I want his response to be. I'll be working on my issues and I'm not ready to talk or see him yet. I'm still feeling a lot of hurt from the last couple years of our relationship.

I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do. My insurance just kicked in at my new job so therapy is next on my list. I am codependent, crazy anxious, depressed you name it.

I have been through some terrible losses in my life. My childhood was providing but not nurturing. I was also SA as a child by my friends dad who lived directly across the street. So yeah I've got some baggage but his is heavy too and he doesn't do anything to fix it. Not sure if he would even if I asked.

Should I reach out to tell him I'm doing these things so he knows why I'm so quiet? Or just let it go? We've got hundreds of mutual friends. We grew up together. Seems insane to just disappear like I have and never speak again. I feel like 3 months isn't that long considering how long we were together. I even thought about saying if he works on himself and I'm doing the same maybe we could come back together one day. I'm terrified I would be setting myself up for heartbreak. But I'm also terrified he'll move on if I wait too long.

Help please.

 

Edited December 28, 2024 by Angelfire
Missing word

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Angelfire said:

A big drunken fight ended us. I had enough

What was this fight about, and what had you had enough of? 

[Angelfire]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What was this fight about, and what had you had enough of? 

Thank you for replying.

It started because of the way he speaks to me. We went to an event, and as soon as we arrived and were walking in, I guess I was too chatty for him. He asked me why I was in such a good mood and if I was "on something" (we do not use drugs). After that, he acted like a total jerk the entire time—basically ignoring me and keeping to himself, even going so far as to sit away from me.

When we left, he had extreme road rage (which happens every time he drives), and I was terrified. I asked him to stop trying to fight with the car next to us, but he snapped, saying, "If you’d get your face out of your phone for once, you’d see it was his fault." Nothing is ever his fault.

From there, things got nasty. He called me a c***, and I told him I give up—that I don’t even know if I love him anymore.

I made him leave and later received some mean texts from him, which I ignored.

His trigger is me looking at my phone. It always has been.

[ExpatInItaly]

In light of what you have just shared, why would you want to reconcile with this person?

[Angelfire]

8 years, known him since we were kids, I miss him, I love him. I really feel bad for shutting him out. 

The real reasons: codependency, anxiety 

I cannot be his friend. I know I couldn't.

Honestly the real reason I posted here is because of what you said. I need to hear it wasn't just me that destroyed us. 

I wanted to add that my anxiety 100% comes from his behavior over the years but he thinks I'm the problem.

Edited December 28, 2024 by Angelfire

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like you had a very toxic and unhealthy dynamic with this man, you have a ton of emotional issues that you haven't dealt with and you are not in a good place mentally.  The last thing you should be doing is trying to reach out to this guy, to "stay friends" with him or telling him that maybe you and he could reconcile one day.  You need to stop contacting him, leave this in the past, and really work on yourself.

20 minutes ago, Angelfire said:

8 years, known him since we were kids, I miss him, I love him. I really feel bad for shutting him out. 

It's a major pet peeve of mine when people give reasons like this for thinking they can't end a relationship.  Just because you were with him a long time, and knew him since you were kids, that is not a valid reason that a relationship should continue.  If it has become toxic now and it's unhealthy for you, you need to stop this codependency with him and move on.  I don't care if you've known him 3 months or 30 years.  You can either waste another 20 years on this unhealthy dynamic, or stop this and move on.

4 hours ago, Angelfire said:

Maybe it's the holidays or his lack of reaching out. Maybe he thinks I need to do it since he's the once that already reached out. I'm terrified I'll finally be ready to reach out and accept my part in our down fall and I don't even know what I want his response to be.

Stop with all the "reaching out".  Staying tethered to him and not fully detaching yourself from this is what is keeping you in this emotionally unhealthy place.  You need to cut ties with him so you can focus on working on your issues and getting in a better headspace.  

[Angelfire]

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds like you had a very toxic and unhealthy dynamic with this man, you have a ton of emotional issues that you haven't dealt with and you are not in a good place mentally.  The last thing you should be doing is trying to reach out to this guy, to "stay friends" with him or telling him that maybe you and he could reconcile one day.  You need to stop contacting him, leave this in the past, and really work on yourself.

It's a major pet peeve of mine when people give reasons like this for thinking they can't end a relationship.  Just because you were with him a long time, and knew him since you were kids, that is not a valid reason that a relationship should continue.  If it has become toxic now and it's unhealthy for you, you need to stop this codependency with him and move on.  I don't care if you've known him 3 months or 30 years.  You can either waste another 20 years on this unhealthy dynamic, or stop this and move on.

Stop with all the "reaching out".  Staying tethered to him and not fully detaching yourself from this is what is keeping you in this emotionally unhealthy place.  You need to cut ties with him so you can focus on working on your issues and getting in a better headspace.  

Thank you so much! I know you are right. I'm not going to contact him. I've had a terrible week of feeling this way. 

It was very toxic. I put up with it far too long. I know if I go back it'll be the same. 

Hopefully I'll go back to how I was feeling the first two months which was relief!

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Angelfire said:

But I'm also terrified he'll move on if I wait too long.

This is a very real possibility for a guy to do.  Saying that I think you are right to get yourself together mentally, emotionally and physically for your own health will never be a bad idea.

[Angelfire]

I know it's coming and would be surprised if it was sooner than later. But that's just a what if.

After the week I've had and after reading comments here I am going to stop ruminating and dive head first into my therapy. 

Thank you for your reply.

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, Angelfire said:

But I'm also terrified he'll move on if I wait too long.

 

Moving on is exactly what he SHOULD do, what he needs to do, and what you need to do.  Just because it feels scary and uncomfortable for you doesn't mean it's the wrong thing.

[Angelfire]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

Moving on is exactly what he SHOULD do, what he needs to do, and what you need to do.  Just because it feels scary and uncomfortable for you doesn't mean it's the wrong thing.

Yes I know but I meant moving into another relationship which I'm not doing. I know we need to move on. I had a moment (week lol) of weakness.

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, Angelfire said:

Yes I know but I meant moving into another relationship which I'm not doing. 

Pity the woman he's with next  

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Angelfire said:

8 years, known him since we were kids, I miss him, I love him. I really feel bad for shutting him out. 

The real reasons: codependency, anxiety 

Please try to see it the way I edited it. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you owe him something just because it lasted a while. Ending a toxic relationship is just like getting out of any other bad situation - better late than never.

[Angelfire]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Please try to see it the way I edited it. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you owe him something just because it lasted a while. Ending a toxic relationship is just like getting out of any other bad situation - better late than never.

I absolutely do see it that way. I don't know why I teared up at this comment but it's so perfectly said. I'm going to read it every morning.

It's unbelievable to me that I let someone I've known almost my whole life treat me this way for so long. My friends and my family feel the same way.

I want to make it clear that I'm an anxiety queen so I was not an angel but I definitely feel he pushed me to be that way. The jabs, little comments, cutdowns, the wandering eye and flirting with others that add up! Resentment. Disrespect.

I used to say to him a lot, "let me know when I do something right." because in his eyes I never did anything right.

He buys me gifts for no reason and takes me on trips and pays for everything (which I later found out he hated me for). If I ever crossed him he would say, "this is how you act after all I've done for you?" 

Wow. I'm an idiot.

Edited December 29, 2024 by Angelfire

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Angelfire said:

Wow. I'm an idiot.

No, you’re not. Sadly, the world is full of emotional abusers like your ex. They can be quite charming when they want to. That’s why it’s so hard to recognize them for what they are and gain the courage to dump them, especially when your mind is clouded with romantic feelings and a desire to please and to be loved.

Abusers are rarely ugly, dull brutes that are violent 24/7. They are controlling, manipulative, and toxic in much subtler ways. Don’t ever be ashamed of yourself because you fell for his tricks. On the contrary, be proud of yourself that you put a stop to it and got out. Not everyone is able to do that. Some stay in abusive relationships for good and become shadows of themselves.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Angelfire said:

Wow. I'm an idiot.

You're not. 

But you do need to figure out what kept you in this for so long. Something inside you wanted to stay, and you need to understand what that was so that it doesn't happen again with someone else. 

This isn't a relationship worth saving. It's the relationship you have with yourself that needs rescuing. 

[Angelfire]

Thank you! I'm definitely working on myself. I want nothing more than to get to the bottom of my issues that he triggered so much. I cannot wait to work through it all. Thanks again for the help! I will not be contacting him.

Happy New Year!

[S2B]

On 12/28/2024 at 5:06 PM, Angelfire said:

I know it's coming and would be surprised if it was sooner than later. But that's just a what if.

After the week I've had and after reading comments here I am going to stop ruminating and dive head first into my therapy. 

Thank you for your reply.

In the meantime - block always he can contact you. 
this gives you space to start your healing without the distractions of him.

this is about you healing so you h seats d his behavior is unacceptable.

Edited December 31, 2024 by S2B