Feeling uncomfortable when watching tv with my partner

[Achelois]

Hi everyone,

I’m just wondering if I’m the only one feeling so insecure, uncomfortable and unconfident when I’m with my partner and a model or good looking actress is on tv, specially wearing underwear or swimming suits, magazines and publicity make me uncomfortable too. I have asked friends and family and I haven’t found anybody with my problem. I don’t know if it’s jealous or envy but it’s uncontrollable. I don’t want to feel that way. It just happens automatically and it ruins the moment. My partner hasn’t done anything wrong but I just hate the idea of he looking at them and comparing or feeling attracted. Is any women with this problem or any men with a partner with the same problem? I’ve tried therapy but I don’t know what else to do.
 

Thank you so much. 

[basil67]

What did you uncover in therapy?

[Els]

What did your therapist say? You say you "tried" therapy, but it's not a magic bullet. It can take a lot of time, and sometimes different therapists, to work on an issue that has been ingrained in you from a long time ago.

My non-professional suggestion is, think about what happens when a very handsome and attractive man appears on TV while you are watching it with your partner. What are you thinking about the good-looking actor, at that moment? Are you comparing him to your partner? Are you feeling attracted to him in a way that could possibly undermine your relationship with your partner? Did you even notice the actor much beyond "hey, that guy is cute"?

Why do you think your partner is any different from you? I get that society likes to push the whole "men are visual" shtick, but that's BS for multiple reasons. The first reason is that women can be plenty visual as well - the male actors in chick flicks are specifically chosen based on attractiveness. It's just less socially acceptable for women to talk about hot men in public than it is for men to do so, especially in more traditional or conservative cultures. Doesn't mean they don't think it.

The second reason is that we are all human and we are all individuals - we are more similar than you'd think, and most of the differences between people are due to individual personalities, not the genitals they were born with.

Edited December 29, 2024 by Els

[Gaeta]

Life is funny sometimes. When l was 20 yo with a perfect body l would compare myself to women in magazines and movies. I was young and had not disvovered who l was yet so l thought my value was in my shape, my hair, my skin. Fast forward many years, l no longer have a young body, l have stretch marks, wrinkles, lose skin, and l have stopped comparing myself to other women in movies and magazines because l know my real value is in what l carry inside. What we carry inside is what makes us glow outside. 

If l were you l would continue therapy and work on finding depth in yourself. First get off social media. A good way to do this is to stop concentrating on yourself and offer your free time to volontering and concentrate on others. 

[Gebidozo]

If your partner is really comparing you to those models and finds them more attractive and you lacking, then he doesn’t truly love you and is therefore not worth worrying about. I’m sure that he doesn’t, though. Don’t listen to those who perpetuate the old clichés about men liking sexy models and actresses in bikini. We don’t like them any more than you like bodybuilders or famous athletes or musicians or whatever. At most, we just think that they look good. There is no real attraction going on there.

 

[Achelois]

Thank you so much for all your questions and supportive messages. I’m working today all day but I’ll respond one by one as soon as I can ❤️

[Achelois]

On 12/29/2024 at 9:49 PM, basil67 said:

What did you uncover in therapy?

Hi basil67,

I’ve been told that I have low self esteem, but also I found that I have a trauma because I saw my dad looking pornographic photos when I was a child. I thought he was disrespecting my mum and I feel like my partners are going to do the same with me. So now, I know one of the reasons of my problem but I still can’t change what I feel when it happens.

[Achelois]

22 hours ago, Els said:

What did your therapist say? You say you "tried" therapy, but it's not a magic bullet. It can take a lot of time, and sometimes different therapists, to work on an issue that has been ingrained in you from a long time ago.

My non-professional suggestion is, think about what happens when a very handsome and attractive man appears on TV while you are watching it with your partner. What are you thinking about the good-looking actor, at that moment? Are you comparing him to your partner? Are you feeling attracted to him in a way that could possibly undermine your relationship with your partner? Did you even notice the actor much beyond "hey, that guy is cute"?

Why do you think your partner is any different from you? I get that society likes to push the whole "men are visual" shtick, but that's BS for multiple reasons. The first reason is that women can be plenty visual as well - the male actors in chick flicks are specifically chosen based on attractiveness. It's just less socially acceptable for women to talk about hot men in public than it is for men to do so, especially in more traditional or conservative cultures. Doesn't mean they don't think it.

The second reason is that we are all human and we are all individuals - we are more similar than you'd think, and most of the differences between people are due to individual personalities, not the genitals they were born with.

Thank you Els, I said I “tried” because I feel like I’m giving up. The first time I went to see a psychologist it was almost 20 years ago, I was in high school, she was my school’s psychologist and I remember my classmates gossiping about it. I’ve been to several psychologists. I’ve felt judged. One psychologist said I like women and that’s why it makes me angry to see other women. Other told me it’s stupid to feel jealous of a woman on tv, one told me I’m spoiled and I want all the attention, etc. My last psychologist was really good, I found about my trauma with her but I feel like she doesn’t want me to be 100% well because I won’t need her anymore. I feel like we were waisting time with topics that were not important and it was costing me a lot. 

 

Yes, I don’t compare my partner with any actor or model. I feel like women are different, I feel like men only care about physic. But you are so right. 

[Achelois]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Life is funny sometimes. When l was 20 yo with a perfect body l would compare myself to women in magazines and movies. I was young and had not disvovered who l was yet so l thought my value was in my shape, my hair, my skin. Fast forward many years, l no longer have a young body, l have stretch marks, wrinkles, lose skin, and l have stopped comparing myself to other women in movies and magazines because l know my real value is in what l carry inside. What we carry inside is what makes us glow outside. 

If l were you l would continue therapy and work on finding depth in yourself. First get off social media. A good way to do this is to stop concentrating on yourself and offer your free time to volontering and concentrate on others. 

Thank you Gaeta. I’ve already closed all my social media accounts. It’s true what you say, I know the body is something superficial and that the real important is inside, but it’s so hard because at the moment don’t feel good inside either. I’m losing my girl  friends because I feel jealous if they get better jobs and if they are attractive I don’t want my partner to see them, so I stop talking to them. I know, I’m awful but I just feel worthless and inferior. 

[Achelois]

21 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

If your partner is really comparing you to those models and finds them more attractive and you lacking, then he doesn’t truly love you and is therefore not worth worrying about. I’m sure that he doesn’t, though. Don’t listen to those who perpetuate the old clichés about men liking sexy models and actresses in bikini. We don’t like them any more than you like bodybuilders or famous athletes or musicians or whatever. At most, we just think that they look good. There is no real attraction going on there.

 

Thank you Gebidozo. I wish I could think like that, unfortunately I have male friends and colleagues who make me think it’s not like that. The way they refer to women, one man told me the majority of men have been in a striptease club at least once in their life. It makes me so angry because if they “don’t care about the body” why they go to touch and see the women there. And now I feel so insecure thinking if my partner has done something like that. I also think sometimes it isn’t necessary to have  a sexy model wearing a bikini to sell a soda o a perfume. It just makes me so uncomfortable. 

Edited December 30, 2024 by Achelois

[Achelois]

I think I was being subtle when I picked the title. It is more than uncomfortable. It’s awful, my head gets hot and my heart fast, I shake and I want to cry. 

Edited December 30, 2024 by Achelois

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, Achelois said:

I think I was being subtle when I picked the title. It is more than uncomfortable. It’s awful, my head gets hot and my heart fast, I shake and I want to cry. 

This seems to be a bit of insecurity perhaps.  Hopefully, you can fully recognize your own self-worth and appeal.  Please have some confidence and hopefully this feeling will subside. 

[Achelois]

22 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This seems to be a bit of insecurity perhaps.  Hopefully, you can fully recognize your own self-worth and appeal.  Please have some confidence and hopefully this feeling will subside. 

Thank you happyhorizons. I wish I could feel more confident. I just don’t know how. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Achelois said:

I’m losing my girl  friends because I feel jealous if they get better jobs and if they are attractive I don’t want my partner to see them, so I stop talking to them.

This tells me it's way bigger than being upset about women on TV.   Your reaction to the women in media only hurts yourself, but here you are being a terrible friend.  What have your psychologists said about this?   I mean, you'd rather lose a friend than be happy for their success!

[Achelois]

46 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This tells me it's way bigger than being upset about women on TV.   Your reaction to the women in media only hurts yourself, but here you are being a terrible friend.  What have your psychologists said about this?   I mean, you'd rather lose a friend than be happy for their success!

I have never wished anything bad to them. I just feel like if my partner finds that they are attractive and with better position, he is going to be impressed and again, he is going to compare. It’s only in my head I know, but I just prefer to be far from that feeling so I keep distance. I also feel uncomfortable in the beach. This is something I am embarrassed but I just can’t control what I feel. I want to change more than anything, but that evil feeling attacks me when I’m around attractive woman, specially on TV. 

My psychologist says I have to love myself. 

[happyhorizons]

4 minutes ago, Achelois said:

I have never wished anything bad to them. I just feel like if my partner finds that they are attractive and with better position, he is going to be impressed and again, he is going to compare. It’s only in my head I know, but I just prefer to be far from that feeling so I keep distance. I also feel uncomfortable in the beach. This is something I am embarrassed but I just can’t control what I feel. I want to change more than anything, but that evil feeling attacks me when I’m around attractive woman, specially on TV. 

My psychologist says I have to love myself. 

You truly DO NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF first and foremost.  Just take this one step at a time and slowly get better.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Achelois said:

I have never wished anything bad to them.

I didn't say you wished bad things on them, I'm saying you were shitty friend because you stopped seeing them after their success

At any rate, you're ruining your life and hurting those around you.   The lack of trust you have in your partner is not remotely acceptable.   Can you get a referral to a psychiatrist?   

 

Edited December 30, 2024 by basil67

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Achelois said:

if my partner finds that they are attractive and with better position, he is going to be impressed and again, he is going to compare

Let's break this down.

Your partner finds other women attractive so what?

These women have better positions so what?

He would be impressed so what?

He is going to compare them to you so what?

We are all surrounded by more attractive women, with more impressive careers, compared to us.....what does it have to do with anything?

May l ask how old you are?

 

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Achelois said:

specially on TV

What we see on tv represents about 10% of the population. What you see is fake, their flaws are hidden with layers of make up, they starve themselves to fit in that size 0, they all have hair pieces to have volume, they have double pads in their bras, they have their teeth bleached on monthly basis, and a bunch of other non sense normal people cannot keep up with. 

I'm glad you are off social media, now is time to stop watching tv. 

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What we see on tv represents about 10% of the population. What you see is fake, their flaws are hidden with layers of make up, they starve themselves to fit in that size 0, they all have hair pieces to have volume, they have double pads in their bras, they have their teeth bleached on monthly basis, and a bunch of other non sense normal people cannot keep up with. 

I'm glad you are off social media, now is time to stop watching tv. 

Or watch British TV.   Or Australian TV.    This is where you will find casting which represents average people.   

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Achelois said:

Thank you Gebidozo. I wish I could think like that, unfortunately I have male friends and colleagues who make me think it’s not like that. The way they refer to women, one man told me the majority of men have been in a striptease club at least once in their life. It makes me so angry because if they “don’t care about the body” why they go to touch and see the women there. And now I feel so insecure thinking if my partner has done something like that. I also think sometimes it isn’t necessary to have  a sexy model wearing a bikini to sell a soda o a perfume. It just makes me so uncomfortable. 

Wait, I think there is some confusion here. Of course men care about the body. And of course going to a striptease club (or worse) is something a lot of men do when they are young, immature, and can’t find a real girlfriend. But that’s not what mature men feel when they are with someone they love. All those bikini girls and alike fade into deep background, and all the carnal passion is focused on the woman these men are with.

If you’re worried that your BF used to go to striptease clubs or slept with a hooker or had a lot of casual sex, then you’re right, many men enjoy such experiences when they’re young and single. And that’s not something you should worry about, your BF’s life before you is his own business. But if he loves you, I assure you that all those striptease girls and sexy models and whatnot mean squat to him now. Yes, he cares about the body, but he cares about your body. At least that’s what any man who loves his partner should feel.

[Achelois]

Wow, you are all so right. I feel awful, I promise you guys this is not what I want to be. It just happens and hurts. I don’t want to be like that, that’s why I’ve been trying therapy all my life. But I feel like this is not a common mental health issue and the professionals don’t know what to do. There are centers for depression, alcoholism, anorexia, etc but nothing for my chronic jealousy, it’s what I think I have. 

 

To be honest I used to be worse, at least I feel awful now but I used to react badly. I used to break things and to react aggressively with my first boyfriend. Thankfully, I’m not that bad anymore.

 

All I want is to be able to admire other women, have my friends back (I have just told them I’m busy when they wanted to catch up) and be able to go to the beach and a swimming pool without feeling uncomfortable, I want to be able to see the beauty in others and to enjoy life more. 

 

I will keep reading your messages, they really help and made me understand so many things. 

 

I hope everyone a Happy New Year and thanks again for your advice. 

Edited December 31, 2024 by Achelois

[NuevoYorko]

Please go back to therapy.

Also - this may be an unpopular opinion - you need to develop, along with regular self esteem, some self discipline.  

Your fears are imaginary.  You have extreme control issues.  What will help you is if you become truly willing to let go of them.  It's really a choice.  When these thoughts come up for you, you need to recognize that it's your "stinking thinking" and you don't buy into that stuff anymore.   

You will need help in order to do this, though, since you are clearly very attached to these thought patterns.

The right kind of therapy can help you change the patterns.  But you'd have to work at it.

[Achelois]

39 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Please go back to therapy.

Also - this may be an unpopular opinion - you need to develop, along with regular self esteem, some self discipline.  

Your fears are imaginary.  You have extreme control issues.  What will help you is if you become truly willing to let go of them.  It's really a choice.  When these thoughts come up for you, you need to recognize that it's your "stinking thinking" and you don't buy into that stuff anymore.   

You will need help in order to do this, though, since you are clearly very attached to these thought patterns.

The right kind of therapy can help you change the patterns.  But you'd have to work at it.

Thank you Nuevo Yorko. I loved the stinking thinking term. I’m going to remember it when the stupid thoughts come to my head.