Feeling uncomfortable when watching tv with my partner

[Achelois]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You’ve got to be more confident.

I watched the entire “Game of Thrones” together with my fiancée. In case you aren’t familiar with the show, there are heaps of explicit sex scenes there. A vast amount of good-looking, sexy young women fully undressing and doing all sorts of sexual stuff on screen. Sometimes my fiancée would tease me during those scenes, she would ask me “Do you want those girls?”, and I would honestly answer, “No, I don’t want them, I want you”. She knows it’s true, of course. She’s completely confident that I only have eyes for her. That, in itself, is a very attractive trait.

Have you ever thought that you wish your fiancée had that body, or lips, or eyes, or sensuality or something like that? 

[Achelois]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Does your boyfriend make comments to you while watching those shows?

My boyfriend doesn’t say anything. He knows it is uncomfortable because my therapist told me to tell him. So he changes topic or goes to the kitchen. I feel bad I know he is a good guy. I just can’t control what I feel inside. I actually think I have had panic attacks. It’s difficult to breathe. I would like to said it’s me being stupid but it’s something I can’t control. Really weird. 

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, Achelois said:

. I just can’t control what I feel inside. I actually think I have had panic attacks

Actually yes, you can control it, there are ways of de-dramatizing a situation an to de-celetare a situation/anxiety. You think too much. Your therapist should teach you those tools. *l can't control it* is the easy answer.  Give yourself the challenge of changing! This is not a way to live and you don't want to transmit that to you future daughters. 

There are endless books out there for women lacking self-esteem. Get yours hands on a few. If you have panic attack are you medicated? Why not? Have you seen your family doctor?

 

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Achelois said:

Have you ever thought that you wish your fiancée had that body, or lips, or eyes, or sensuality or something like that? 

My goodness, of course not!

Has your boyfriend expressed that kind of thinking?

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Achelois said:

it’s something I can’t control

Of course you can.

You must understand, all this is just your insecurity and irrational fears talking. It’s you who thinks that you aren’t attractive and sexy enough, not your boyfriend. You’re projecting this insecurity outwards and making your boyfriend feel very uncomfortable. By fixating on those TV girls, you are actually drawing his attention towards them and away from you.

I was a bit like you earlier in my relationship. I was constantly worried that I wasn’t good enough for my fiancée. She used to date some very charismatic, attractive men who I felt were also more mature, manly, and morally superior to me. I was panicking that I wouldn’t be able to match her expectations, that she would constantly compare me to more attractive men and find me lacking.

I did a little bit of therapy and the first thing that I was told was that it was I who actually did all those unfavorable comparisons, not she. I was told the obvious truth: if she found any of those men more desirable than me, she wouldn’t be with me anymore, she’d be with one of them. As long as she’s with me, she’s giving me the chance to be the most attractive man for her.

If you see those TV girls as competition, don’t fear your competitors, that is a sure way to lose. The only way to defeat your rivals is to stop thinking about them and focus on what you can do with yourself.

[NuevoYorko]

There is no way any relationship could survive this.  I'm sure you already are aware of this fact.   You are in a crisis state because attractive women are on TV.   Your bf is in a position to have to leave the room or similar to prevent a freakout.

You know it's not normal for a person who loves someone to say or think "I wish they had lips like that person on TV."  But it's not only normal, it's COMMON, for someone who is in love with another person to be aware of the attractiveness of someone different.

This is NORMAL.  But to you it's devastating.  

So the guy is trapped; he is going to have to completely twist himself into pretzels in order to keep you from hysteria.

It won't be sustainable.

It's up to you to get help so you can stop this and be OK with living in a world with a lot of great looking humans in it.  

That is not a threat to you except in your imagination.

[basil67]

I think your therapist was very wrong in advising you to disclose your thought patterns.  I mean, what's he supposed to do with this information?  You've got this guy missing TV and movies lest the screen upsets you!  It's not OK to do this to your partner!  

Have you ever done exposure therapy do deal with these intrusive thoughts?   

 

Edited January 6 by basil67

[Achelois]

On 1/6/2025 at 11:30 AM, Gebidozo said:

My goodness, of course not!

Has your boyfriend expressed that kind of thinking?

 

Never, he has never done anything to make me feel uncomfortable, but my ex boyfriend had a famous model picture on his laptop desk. He was obsessed with her, I used to feel bad because I have opposite eyes and hair color than the model. So it made me feel like he was with me because he couldn’t be with her. 

Edited January 7 by Achelois

[Achelois]

On 1/6/2025 at 11:47 AM, Gebidozo said:

Of course you can.

You must understand, all this is just your insecurity and irrational fears talking. It’s you who thinks that you aren’t attractive and sexy enough, not your boyfriend. You’re projecting this insecurity outwards and making your boyfriend feel very uncomfortable. By fixating on those TV girls, you are actually drawing his attention towards them and away from you.

I was a bit like you earlier in my relationship. I was constantly worried that I wasn’t good enough for my fiancée. She used to date some very charismatic, attractive men who I felt were also more mature, manly, and morally superior to me. I was panicking that I wouldn’t be able to match her expectations, that she would constantly compare me to more attractive men and find me lacking.

I did a little bit of therapy and the first thing that I was told was that it was I who actually did all those unfavorable comparisons, not she. I was told the obvious truth: if she found any of those men more desirable than me, she wouldn’t be with me anymore, she’d be with one of them. As long as she’s with me, she’s giving me the chance to be the most attractive man for her.

If you see those TV girls as competition, don’t fear your competitors, that is a sure way to lose. The only way to defeat your rivals is to stop thinking about them and focus on what you can do with yourself.

Thank you so much. Thank you for sharing your own experience. It helps me a lot.

[Achelois]

On 1/6/2025 at 12:52 PM, NuevoYorko said:

There is no way any relationship could survive this.  I'm sure you already are aware of this fact.   You are in a crisis state because attractive women are on TV.   Your bf is in a position to have to leave the room or similar to prevent a freakout.

You know it's not normal for a person who loves someone to say or think "I wish they had lips like that person on TV."  But it's not only normal, it's COMMON, for someone who is in love with another person to be aware of the attractiveness of someone different.

This is NORMAL.  But to you it's devastating.  

So the guy is trapped; he is going to have to completely twist himself into pretzels in order to keep you from hysteria.

It won't be sustainable.

It's up to you to get help so you can stop this and be OK with living in a world with a lot of great looking humans in it.  

That is not a threat to you except in your imagination.

You’re totally right. Thank you so much. I just haven’t found the right help. I’ve tried different psychologists. 

[Gebidozo]

17 minutes ago, Achelois said:

 

Never, he has never done anything to make me feel uncomfortable, but my ex boyfriend had a famous model picture on his laptop desk. He was obsessed with her, I used to feel bad because I have opposite eyes and hair color than the model. So it made me feel like he was with me because he couldn’t be with her. 

What does your ex-boyfriend have to do with your current boyfriend?

Please stop projecting your past experiences on your current one, this never ends well.

If your current boyfriend has never given you a reason to doubt his passion and loyalty for you, then the doubts you are having are stemming from you, not from him. It’s your job to fight your doubts and defeat them, otherwise you’re jeopardizing your relationship.

[Achelois]

On 1/6/2025 at 1:58 PM, basil67 said:

I think your therapist was very wrong in advising you to disclose your thought patterns.  I mean, what's he supposed to do with this information?  You've got this guy missing TV and movies lest the screen upsets you!  It's not OK to do this to your partner!  

Have you ever done exposure therapy do deal with these intrusive thoughts?   

 

I agree, I told her it was going to be worse because my boyfriend’s attention was going to be more focused on my problem (The girls) and it was going to make me feel even more uncomfortable. She is the second psychologist who has suggested that. So I thought It was the right thing to do. But I feel like now it’s worse and even if I try to watch tv with my boyfriend it’s going to be awkward and he’s s going to feel uncomfortable even if I tell him I’m ok, because now he’s expecting me to feel bad  

[Achelois]

On 1/6/2025 at 9:54 AM, Gaeta said:

If you have panic attack are you medicated? Why not? Have you seen your family doctor?

 

 

Thank you Gaeta. I’ll do it. I’m not medicated. The psychologists have never said I need anything. A doctor gave me antidepressants once in the past but I had bad side effects. I’ve never been told about any other medication. 

Edited January 7 by Achelois

[Achelois]

On 1/6/2025 at 1:58 PM, basil67 said:

 

Have you ever done exposure therapy do deal with these intrusive thoughts?   

 

I haven’t done it. I’ll have a look online. Thank you 

[Achelois]

4 minutes ago, Achelois said:

I haven’t done it. I’ll have a look online. Thank you 

I don’t have any problem seeing beautiful women myself. The problem comes when I am with my partner. If I’m with somebody else or by myself it’s ok.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Achelois said:

You’re totally right. Thank you so much. I just haven’t found the right help. I’ve tried different psychologists. 

What do you mean by "tried"?

Honestly, I think you would be best to not be in any relationship until / unless you get a handle on these monumentally controlling impulses and obsessive thoughts you have.

I'm sorry that you suffer so much anxiety and stress, but I really feel for a person you're involved with.  The level of "walking on eggshells"  that must be required is beyond imagination.   

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Achelois said:

I don’t have any problem seeing beautiful women myself. The problem comes when I am with my partner. If I’m with somebody else or by myself it’s ok.

Ah, then it may not work

[Achelois]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

What do you mean by "tried"?

I’ve been having therapy all my life. I haven’t had much luck with the psychologists. I feel like they don’t really care or they don’t know what to do with me. It’s difficult to believe that something so stupid like the tv would upset somebody like that.  I’ve improved but not as much as I’d like. I want to be able to watch whatever is on tv without feeling sick in my stomach. 

[Achelois]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I really feel for a person you're involved with.  The level of "walking on eggshells"  that must be required is beyond imagination.   

I know, I feel soo quilty, awful and stupid. I’ve wished I didn’t exist. I’m doing everything I can to change, that’s why I’m looking for help and advice. I’m a sweet, caring and loving girlfriend otherwise. I ruin everything with my stupid jealousy.

[Els]

On 1/6/2025 at 2:19 AM, Gebidozo said:

You’ve got to be more confident.

I watched the entire “Game of Thrones” together with my fiancée. In case you aren’t familiar with the show, there are heaps of explicit sex scenes there. A vast amount of good-looking, sexy young women fully undressing and doing all sorts of sexual stuff on screen. Sometimes my fiancée would tease me during those scenes, she would ask me “Do you want those girls?”, and I would honestly answer, “No, I don’t want them, I want you”. She knows it’s true, of course. She’s completely confident that I only have eyes for her. That, in itself, is a very attractive trait.

You guys need to watch Bridgerton or Emily in Paris together as "payback"!

I never used to be a fan of chick flicks, but all of a sudden they started putting actual hot guys in them, lol. But, like you, I've never compared my partner to them or "wanted" them. It's purely eye candy.

Edited January 7 by Els

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Achelois said:

’ve been having therapy all my life

So the problem runs deeper than having a jerk for ex?

[NuevoYorko]

It seems clear that you're more interested in controlling what your partner sees, thinks,  or does than changing your own patterns.  If you really wished to, you would.  Evidently you expect psychologists to do magic, without having do do the heavy lifting of change yourself.   I shudder to think how you react to whatever his masturbation proclivities may be.  Is it a criminal offense in your household for him to self-pleasure?

Not only are you subjecting your partner to something IMO is akin to emotional abuse, you are also torturing yourself by being in a relationship.

Imagine if you were on your own, you'd have exactly zero of this horrible angst ruling your days and nights.   Why don't you just go solo until / unless you get this sorted out?

 

You know, there have been quite a few threads from women (or one woman with a plethora of usernames) who have the identical problem.   Maybe you could find a support group, or even start one.  

 

Edited January 8 by NuevoYorko

[Achelois]

This is really painful to read but it’s totally true. I’m working so hard to get better. I wish I didn’t have this disgusting and awful problem. I want to have a normal relationship

Edited Thursday at 04:26 PM by Achelois

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you should consult a psychiatrist. 

It sounds very much like there could be an underlying mental health issue that is beyond the scope of what a psychologist could accurately diagnose or treat. Your previous therapy likely hasn't worked because it was not really identifying where the obsessive, intrusive thoughts are stemming from. 

In other words, they were trying to help you treat the headache without being able to determine the cause of the recurrent headaches. That is where an actual medical professional (a psychiatrist) can possibly help. I would urge you to consider this. 

 

[BaileyB]

On 12/30/2024 at 7:12 AM, Achelois said:

I have a trauma because I saw my dad looking pornographic photos when I was a child.

It’s funny how different people respond differently to a similar situation. My Dad had a stack of pornographic magazines that we discovered when I was a child - we used to secretly look at the magazines out of curiosity. My uncle also had pornography in his house… I personally would not call this “trauma.” 
 

On 12/30/2024 at 7:43 AM, Achelois said:

It is more than uncomfortable. It’s awful, my head gets hot and my heart fast, I shake and I want to cry. 

This is an exceptionally dramatic response to what is a rather benign stimulus. 

I agree with the suggestion to consult a psychiatrist. What you are describing sounds like significant anxiety and /or very rigid and obsessive thought processes. You may need a different kind of support than a psychologist. 

Edited Friday at 01:37 AM by BaileyB