do any woman marry for Companionship alone without sex

[ShyViolet]

On 12/29/2024 at 4:48 PM, Foxhall said:

I would be prepared to marry someone for companionship alone, I enjoy talking to women and going on dates , spending time with them and all that but I have no interest in going to bed with them.

This is confusing.  Why even marry them then?  I think what you are talking about is having...... friends?  Isn't it?  If you want companionship and someone to spend time with, platonically, that's what good friends are for.  What would be the point of the marriage?

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

In answer to your question, I think the only way this would happen is if you married someone who was asexual and agreed to stopping seeing sex workers.  But do you really want a celibate life?

No, not really,

As you are implying there is no doubt I have a sex drive, just it seems to fluctuate which is perhaps a different problem,

The main point I am getting from the thread is that , No, marriage without sex is not a viable option in-truth,

Although I had been considering the notion of that, it is probable that I will be more happier in the long run with a sexual relationship,

a younger woman is probably the best chance of that and all I can do is try.

to try and find a relationship with a sexually compatible partner will be the focus I think now for the new year,

Thank you to all the respondents on the thread, appreciate it,

and Happy New Year to all of you.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

 

why marry them as opposed to a roommate- well I suppose still need to feel have that special someone who is in my corner and my rock and so on- 

a woman to look after me and so on- and that each of us has each other and that we are not lonely.

Well, I hate to break it to you but the whole "I don't feel attracted to you" is likely to be a major turnoff for any "special someones" who will look after you etc.  Even older people - like you, for example - still hope that their loved one will be attracted to them.  

Unless you find someone completely asexual.   I'm not sure how that would work.  

[NuevoYorko]

24 minutes ago, S2B said:

How would it be fair to any woman you choose to marry? How would you reconcile that in your mind even if you loved her?

would her life be short changed by what you offer (don’t offer) to her?

It sounds like the epitome of "settling," both for the OP and for the unfortunate woman who signed up to "look after" him.

Both of those people owe it to themselves to be in relationships where they have a reasonable expectation that their emotional AND physical needs can be met.   

 

[Foxhall]

Ive been in a slump probably for a year or so,

today I got bit of a boost unexpectedly- a random text I sent a few weeks ago- had got no answer but today I received a new year greeting and an unexpected coffee meet,

I find this lady sexually attractive, 

anyway its a long way from my future wife, probably will not get a second date even,  but it was a boost.

Im happy with this thread actually- I think it will make me drop the companionship idea for now.

I acknowledge being more considerate to my partners needs or perspective partners needs - that may be something I have outlined a poor impression of in this thread but I want to be a good partner also for the right woman, so will take some of the above comments on board. 

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Have you taken the suggestion that you explore sex therapy?   I honestly think that this divide between what you like sexually and WHO you like emotionally can be merged.

It might require you giving up the massage parlors, if you're seriously looking for a relationship that will work.  

Not judging engaging with sex workers of any type as long as you're being smart and safe, but it's probably getting in your way as far as building a multidimensional relationship goes.

 

[Els]

On 1/1/2025 at 8:33 AM, Foxhall said:

I have engaged over the years erotic massage services and in a few instances developed real life friendships with some of the ladies working in that industry,

Have you ever had a good sexual relationship with anyone other than people who are being paid to accompany you? That includes your "FWB" by the way, as you are giving her free work in exchange for sex.

Of course if you are used to "relationships" where the other person is providing a service in exchange for material gain, then you're going to have trouble with real relationships. Women who engage "boyfriends for hire" experience the same thing - they can't establish healthy relationships with their peers anymore. That's because they are comparing any potential partners to a fantasy, and finding them lacking. They don't realize that it's a fantasy, but it is - their hired boyfriend doesn't behave the same way with a real girlfriend, they are only behaving that way because they're being paid.

[Foxhall]

18 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It might require you giving up the massage parlors, if you're seriously looking for a relationship that will work.  

I suppose if I truly fall in love with someone I could give this up,

Ive met two special ladies in this way- one is the friends with benefits already mentioned,

the other worked for a short period in that industry- she is the only woman Ive ever truly loved , I had hoped we might have the outcome as in the movie Pretty Woman but it was not to be

we went on to have a real life relationship ten years ago- she rejected me when I proposed,

she reappeared in my life two years ago, ready to give it another go, but I was in a relationship- the woman I was seeing had been kind to me and I felt I could not leave( that relationship since ended)

the love of my life lady is still my friend, but she told me this year that, No,  she does not see me now as her future life partner, though she still sees me as a friend.

In terms of sex these are the only two women I have enjoyed sex with,

As I mention I did have a recent five year relationship with a different lady and we had a good enough bond- not really sexually- as someone said to me you stayed with her two years ago- obviously she meant something to me but ultimately it really fizzled out from the end of 23 to early 24,

So my situation now the main two female friends I have are the two I met through the massage industry and Im back on dating apps and trying to get to know the occasional perspective lady for dating through every day life.

 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sure you're aware that the sex workers you pay are behaving in ways that probably have little  to do with their own sexuality, and everything to do with how to keep the cash coming in from their clients.  

Also that the situation from "pretty woman" doesn't really happen.  I mean, I'm sure it's happened at some point - but usually when a pro and a client end up marrying, it's still much more straightforwardly transactional than "traditional" relationships where people fall in love and get married.

I'm getting the impression that you, so far, have never had a relationship where you and the woman you're with meet on a generally level playing field - where you are both attracted and interested in each other emotionally and sexually, and you're both invested in building on on that and forging a real relationship.

Do you know that you're really missing out?

You are.  

Unfortunately,  I doubt you'll encounter any women who will be interested in investing time with a man who is seeing prostitutes.   You're chances of falling madly in love with anyone while you keep doing it are slim.  And, yes, she might not know about it ... but not being open and honest about your sex life when you're trying to build a serious relationship is probably the kiss of death.

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I suppose if I truly fall in love with someone I could give this up

I suggest that you give this up first, and then your chances of truly falling in love with someone will increase.

You must understand that you can’t really have a relationship with a sex worker you’re paying. Whatever those ladies have told you or shown you wasn’t real, it wasn’t their true sexual essence but merely service for a customer.

It’s as if you were saying you really liked a woman’s personality, but then it turns out that she was an actress and you only ever saw you acting on stage in a role that you find attractive. That’s her role, that’s not really her.

You should start meeting women with whom you have common interests and values, where a mutual chemistry and attraction can develop, women from your “league”. I don’t usually like this term because it implies a hierarchical value judgment of human beings. I’d suggest the word “club”, in the sense of old English clubs where people spent time together based on what they had in common.

[NuevoYorko]

Questions:   Back when you had the girlfriend, and you were in touch with the sex worker who you considered "the love of your life" - is that what precipitated the demise of your relationship with your girlfriend?

Is that sex worker the person you are maintaining an FWB situation with currently?

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Questions:   Back when you had the girlfriend, and you were in touch with the sex worker who you considered "the love of your life" - is that what precipitated the demise of your relationship with your girlfriend?

Is that sex worker the person you are maintaining an FWB situation with currently?

No there were two- neither of them are sex workers now - but thats how I initially met them,

C- the love of my life- she was a sex worker for a short time about one year- I dont like the P word-Ive never thought of her in terms of that or indeed any worker that Ive visited. 

Maybe because of the way we met was the reason she did not marry me. she then came back into my life and I wanted to stay loyal to my partner at the time. I dont know Ive always loved C- we had a deep connection- a special bond. what pains me now I look at our photos together and I say I had a chance with her and lost it. In 2024 shes been a little colder, when I tried to rekindle it again- the problem was she will do skypes and calls but will not let me meet her. Shes been a bit colder in 2024- though over christmas she said she will always love me and hopes we always have a friendship. We have not had a sexual encounter since we were together as a couple back in 2014/2015.

L is the fwb. My connection with her was not as deep as with C but we've always got on well together. I recall at first she would not tell me her real name and that our encounters were strictly escort/client. Then when she retired in 2020, she asked did I still want to be part of her personal life. We talked about a food business she wanted to start and I helped get her started. She introduced me to her personal life some of her friends and even to her long term boyfriend and I guess felt honoured to be part of that.

What are we I have said to her- and she always says friends with benefits.

her charm and her beauty  I find it hard to resist although in ways I suppose I am aware its not real. Well to some extent it is- I can phone her and she will always advise me and be a friend so she is one of my closest friends.

Well otherwise Ive mentioned I still visit sex workers- massages almost entirely as opposed to full sex (I dont know if that makes it more acceptable) I like these women to talk with and am attracted to their beauty I suppose. I have not developed any further close friendships as with C and L but I still enjoy it.

 

As regards the breakdown of my main relationship K,  was it because of C? I dont know there were a number of reasons in-truth. Initially September 22 when I made the decision to stay with her, I was happy with that decision up until about mid 23- then I knew I had made a huge mistake- 

there were a few things- she and my mother did not get on, we disagreed over the treatment of the dog, she wanted me to move permanently to another town which was not feasible given my family and work situation, our sex life was diminishing (that bothered her more than I),  I was visiting L for sex (she never knew but it was still a factor I suppose), I knew in my heart C was the one I loved, she would not tolerate me eating my own diet a few times per week, 

I thought it would stagger on and I was prepared to settle for our relationship. but I read her wrong and she wasnt prepared to settle for it. I thought she might be more safer and reliable than C- but that backfired.

 

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You should start meeting women with whom you have common interests and values, where a mutual chemistry and attraction can develop, women from your “league”. I don’t usually like this term because it implies a hierarchical value judgment of human beings

I take what your saying- the two girls C and L are out of my league I suppose as regards their looks and all that,

Ive struggled hugely with C in my own head through all of 2024,

this coffee meeting yesterday it has given me a little hope again that I can meet someone else and have feelings for them,

I find it tricky at my age that I effectively have to start all over again like a teenager on a first date but then again its good to be able to do that I suppose,

 

 

[Els]

18 hours ago, Foxhall said:

suppose if I truly fall in love with someone I could give this up,

Ive met two special ladies in this way- one is the friends with benefits already mentioned,

the other worked for a short period in that industry- she is the only woman Ive ever truly loved , I had hoped we might have the outcome as in the movie Pretty Woman but it was not to be

So, if I'm understanding correctly, the only two women you've ever "loved" are sex workers who had you as a client...?

Pretty Woman was based on the premise of the dude being a literal multimillionaire who threw $50k at her over the span of one weekend like it was nothing. Yes, if you are that wealthy, you can have a young "wife" in the same way (although really, it's more of a permanent sugar daddy situation at that point). You might notice that stories like that don't usually involve the old lonely john being poor... because it's just too much of a plot loophole at that point. Even fiction needs some degree of believability, and that situation doesn't even pass the fiction test.

I'll be honest, if you're in your late 40s and you've never enjoyed sex with anyone other than a sex worker... you really have your work cut out for you if you want a healthy relationship EVER. It's going to be an uphill battle, and it'll probably take years of actively working on it with professional help (and by that I mean a therapist). If you start now, you'll get there earlier than if you didn't, though.

But do you actually WANT to get better? Or do you just want to keep doing what you're doing while hoping for something permanent? The latter is a valid option, but if you want to get to permanent sugar daddy status, you'll need to earn a couple more millions. Otherwise, if you're happy just having occasional sex in exchange for work or money, that's an option too - but I suspect that's not what you want, if you're making this thread.

Quote

I thought she might be more safer and reliable than C- but that backfired.

You were literally cheating on her with a sex worker. And you are surprised it backfired??

Edited January 2 by Els

[stillafool]

On 12/29/2024 at 4:48 PM, Foxhall said:

I guess the question I am asking is are there any women out there who will marry or be someone’s long term partner for companionship alone and not have any need for sex.

Yes.  Women who marry to be beards for gay men.

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, Els said:

if you're in your late 40s and

not quite, 44 and in good enough condition for that , thank you!

 

someone said to me today, I am a decent guy who has been unlucky in love,

Ive made some bad choices but for acceptable reasons,

No Im not comfortable with being alone and fwb scenarios- that is not sufficient to sustain me- a lot of women like me I think (not only sex workers)- but can I get one to love me,

the broken relationship- I did a few things wrong but she wanted everything on her terms and though I miss her it was not real love I guess.

anyway we will see what happens. I want to be a good partner also for someone. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

someone said to me today, I am a decent guy who has been unlucky in love,

How have you been unlucky?   

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

Ive made some bad choices but for acceptable reasons,

What's an acceptable reason for cheating on your girlfriend to have sex with a professional?  

A few posts back you alluded to how it would be fine for you to get involved with a woman under false pretenses since you feel you've been done wrong by some women in your past.  Frankly, that's kind of a scary point of view.   I mean, that some innocent people you haven yet to even meet should be "paying" for what happened between you and other people in your past.

Do you feel completely comfortable with that?  

I seriously would like to know how you were "unlucky" to the point where you feel justified in treating others badly in current times.  

 

 

[Els]

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

not quite, 44 and in good enough condition for that , thank you!

 

someone said to me today, I am a decent guy who has been unlucky in love,

Ive made some bad choices but for acceptable reasons,

No Im not comfortable with being alone and fwb scenarios- that is not sufficient to sustain me- a lot of women like me I think (not only sex workers)- but can I get one to love me,

the broken relationship- I did a few things wrong but she wanted everything on her terms and though I miss her it was not real love I guess.

anyway we will see what happens. I want to be a good partner also for someone. 

I don't see how it's possible for you to be a good partner in your current condition. You don't sound remorseful about your cheating, and you are even considering doing it again to a future partner. Do you really not see how messed up that is?

When it happens again, you are going to destroy another relationship. And another, and another.

Why are you so resistant towards going to therapy?

 

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I take what your saying- the two girls C and L are out of my league I suppose as regards their looks and all that

Not at all. Looks mean very little on their own, and are definitely not the main constituents of “leagues” and “clubs”. What I’m saying that if you’re looking for a normal relationship and normal romantic feelings, stop looking for them among sex workers. And stop idealizing them or thinking that one of them could become the love of your life only because she was with you for free for a while.

And of course stop sleeping with them. You’ve gotten yourself in a situation where sex with sex workers means more to you than sex with women you’re in a relationship with. It’s a dangerous addiction that you can only overcome gradually and with a lot of determination and patience.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, Foxhall said:

there were a few things- she and my mother did not get on, we disagreed over the treatment of the dog, she wanted me to move permanently to another town which was not feasible given my family and work situation, our sex life was diminishing (that bothered her more than I),  I was visiting L for sex (she never knew but it was still a factor I suppose), I knew in my heart C was the one I loved, she would not tolerate me eating my own diet a few times per week, 

Whoa. I can’t believe you’re lumping all this in one paragraph as “few things”.

You’ve mentioned 7 such “things”. 2 of them are small issues that could be easily solved - 1) your mother and your girlfriend don’t necessarily have to get on; 2) surely a compromise could be achieved regarding the treatment of the dog.

3 other things are much more serious problems, which perhaps could have been solved - 3) Your diet is your own business, she shouldn’t have tried to control you; 4) Diminishing sex life requires both partners to work on the underlying reasons; 5) Moving towns is a tough decision, but one of the partners has to sacrifice something in either case.

But there are also 2 things that are complete dealbreakers, and they are both on you! 6) If you still loved C, you shouldn’t have gotten together with another woman and misled her to believe that you loved her. 7) You cheated! This is not one of the “few things”, this is a very big bad thing that you did. More alarmingly, you don’t appear to be very remorseful about it and mention it so casually.

I think you need to have a better understanding on how normal love relationships work before you continue on your quest to find true love. Your intentions are good, but there are red flags hanging on your side that you don’t notice.

[Foxhall]

Look Im not saying my stances are easy to justify, 

the unlucky one- One of my friends knows the complete history of my relationship with C- that I was unlucky with her in particular is a reasonable conclusion I think- anyway Im not there yet but Im more accepting of it- we  are still talking which is something but are likely to never marry (each other-) and I will live with that.

K was a good partner for me in the early years of our relationship. Obviously I did plenty wrong but she turned toxic towards the latter part of it. I seeked solace with L who was my friend and someone that Ive always been able to talk with easier than most.  L was /is never going to marry me so in that sense I was not leaving K for another woman- it was just two old friends supporting each other. 

I guess K was not my soulmate,

I alluded I would again cheat on a future partner- thats makes me a highly flawed guy ,

Ok I accept the criticism of that statement- Ive done a bit of soul searching actually based on some of the comments,

I think If C had married me- I would have always stayed loyal- I would not have had sexual relations with L or anyone else.

C in that sense was my soulmate or my love for her was/is more purer than it was for K,

K brought a lot to my life and fair enough I was selfish I suppose clinging to the outlets she gave me when I did not really love her. Look im still learning with love and relationships- I was a later developer probably.

Its probable I can come across as a bit cold in some of my writings- in many ways I was dealt a good set of cards in life but maybe Im a little bitter that I havent found love and families and all that like others. I feel only two years ago that I played it too honest with C and I blew it. Those experiences have hardened me and maybe I have some cold thoughts like that I will continue to cheat on a future partner- I will continue to see L because I like her.

then this date I went on the other day- a ukrainian singer shes 30- you know Im getting a bit of hope again. Maybe the age gap is too much for her, I dont know,

but what struck me the softness of her voice the beauty of her soul and the thought did cross my mind- well if something developed here Id have to be faithful- Id have to not visit escorts , Id have to stop seeing or at least stop seeing my friend L in a sexual way. Id have to stop dreaming of marrying C.

so my best answer or way of justifying some of my cold thoughts process,

I have been hardened by the scars of life or by losing out and making wrong choices,

but at the same time I still seem to have a heart it just needs the right person to bring it out.

Im not completely against seeing a therapist- I did visit one a number of years ago after a car accident and it was ok actually,

so maybe Id go back or to a different therapist

 

 

[Miss Chrysalis]

17 hours ago, Foxhall said:

 

I want to be a good partner also for someone. 

 

How do you define this?

[Els]

19 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I think If C had married me- I would have always stayed loyal- I would not have had sexual relations with L or anyone else.

You can't put that responsibility on someone else or rely on someone to "keep you" from cheating... That's a child's excuse for doing something wrong! You are the only person that has control over your limbs and your penis, so the decision is on you.

If you're not happy in a relationship, you need to leave, not cheat. Cheating doesn't solve anything, it just makes you waste both of your time - yours and hers. If you're cheating regularly on your partner, the relationship is beyond hope anyway, so why not leave?

Otherwise, if you want to be poly, then you need to date women who are poly themselves. Then it won't be cheating.

[Foxhall]

5 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

How do you define this?

Hello,

Well I suppose how have I tried to be a good partner in my relationships is the best way I can answer this,

I try to be a kind supportive partner, to enjoy going to events and going on trips together, to support her emotionally, financially (if she wants), to try to be romantic as best I can or am able, to cook nice food for her (Im good cook I think)

to give her , her own space- Im not a controlling or possessive guy, but Im there if she needs me,  to communicate well with my partner and be able to talk things through. 

C- I tried to do everything I could for that girl- I got her away from the sex industry, I got her a job in childcare, I tried to be a supporting and loving partner to her during our time together. Then she left me. "ok I did my best". Then she returned eight years later- and I hesitated I told her did not think could leave K- 

The second time I let C down- I will regret that until the day I shut my eyes. Ive always loved her the most.

 

K- I tried to organise fun dates and adventures. She was a single Mum during our relationship. I offered to help with family outings to be a good family man. I went on family trips and got her a dog for her birthday. I gave the relationship a good shot for 4 out of our 5 years together. I tried to fit in with her friends circle, to learn her hobbies, to support her with organising events. She was a workaholic so I tried to take some of the pressure off her. 

 

Im probably more attracted to a hard luck story type- C was a little vulnerable in the early days though shes a strong woman now! She told me she was "lost" and I felt such love for her in that moment.

K is an academic achiever. A strong independent woman- ultimately she never really let me in if that makes sense- she included me when it suited her but she did not need me. She showed me a lot of kindness in fairness and knew my quirks well. Our relationship was not passionate love but we had something. Its probably best it has ended , though I will recall our time together with fondness - for the most part at least.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

The second time I let C down- I will regret that until the day I shut my eyes. Ive always loved her the most.

I’m sorry if I’m out of line here, but I really hope, for your sake, that you’ll change the way you view C and your relationship with her. You loved the idea of being a kind prince that rescues a “fallen” woman from her dreadful existence and turns her into an “honest” one. I’m not saying that the relationship was doomed simply because it started as that fantasy. Sometimes these scenarios do have a happy ending. But the reality is that she left you without any other reason but her lack of love to you. Continuing to idealize her and long for a revival of that connection is harmful to you and puts your future relationships in jeopardy.