How to let go of the feeling of rejection and self blame?

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/8/2025 at 8:58 AM, Runninggirl said:

 

A third party accidentally revealed this on NYE, because she wasn't really in on this and didnt know who I was and said things in front of me before they could stop her. 

 

It's interesting that you seem to have a LOT of random outsiders involved in what happens with your romantic relationships.   In another thread of yours that I posted in, you found out about past cheating because you were following two girls down a street and you heard them talking about it.

Why are all these other people involved in your business?  

I agree that you would be well advised to stop trying to date for a while, and hopefully get some things sorted out.   Your dating life going better will start with you making some changes within yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why are all these other people involved in your business?  

I was wondering the same thing. 

I've never had so many random third parties involved in my love life. 

[Runninggirl]

Hey. Thanks for caring.

Its not random third parties. I live in a very small place, only about 30 000 inhabitant in my town. In this situation it wasn't a random third party. It was my colleague and someone I assumed was my friend who knew I was dating this guy and had also met him. So when she heard about her friend, she told me, but they are closer. And she told her entire friend group who then went on to butt in. I didnt ask for this.

Someone else now told me he's back on tinder, which he hasn't had since we met. So I guess it didnt work out between them.

I would love to not date anyone, but I feel the pressure of time because of my age if I want kids. I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone and "when am I gonna find someone", that I have too high standards etc. Hate it.

[NuevoYorko]

Sorry, this is blunt, but you are not getting any closer to marriage and children by following the same pattern that you seem to always follow with men.  

Learn how to deflect what your family says about it, it's not their business.  If you want suggestions about how to get them off your back I'm sure many of us have ideas for you.

In any case, you are not being honest with yourself when you put your dating habits on your family and friends and their expectations.  YOU are responsible for YOURSELF.

From your threads it seems very clear that you have some issues that are standing in your way of having a healthy relationship right now.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to be honest and stop telling yourself remarkable stories about what's going on with these guys,  and then be honest also with a therapist.   

Things really can get much much better.  I promise.  But YOU will have to face some things and do work.   If you keep repeating the same unsuccessful patterns over and over again, not only will the results not change, but you will be getting better and better at repeating the same patterns.

You need to break them and you need help to do that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone and "when am I gonna find someone", that I have too high standards etc. Hate it.

Daily?  Surely this is an exaggeration!   But even if it's once a month, stop talking to them about your dating.  And if they won't stop asking tell them "Kindly, stick your opinion up your arse. My dating is none of your business".    

Get some boundaries in place

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone and "when am I gonna find someone", that I have too high standards etc.

Please stop talking to them about your love life. If they still continue to give you unwanted advice, gather all those family members, friends, and colleagues in one room. Then smile at them and say this:

”Dear family, friends, and colleagues. I’m very grateful that you’re all so concerned of my love life that you see it as your duty to remind me as frequently as you can how hopeless I am. [smile wider, dripping with sarcasm] While I appreciate your attempt to boost my confidence with these kind words, I’d like to remind you that [yell as loudly as you can] my love life is none of your freakin’ business!! So, kindly butt out!! I’m going to block and cease communication with the next person that’s going to try to emotionally pressure and abuse me by telling me that I’m hopeless. Have a nice day!”

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

ts not random third parties. I live in a very small place, only about 30 000 inhabitant in my town. In this situation it wasn't a random third party. It was my colleague and someone I assumed was my friend who knew I was dating this guy and had also met him. So when she heard about her friend, she told me, but they are closer. And she told her entire friend group who then went on to butt in. I didnt ask for this.

Someone else now told me he's back on tinder, which he hasn't had since we met. So I guess it didnt work out between them.

 

OK.  Not "random" 3rd parties.  But numerous 3rd parties, including all your family members and friends.  

It doesn't matter how many people live in your city.   

They're all important players (to you) in your personal life.  This is not appropriate or healthy.

 

[basil67]

I just refreshed myself on your previous thread,  the one where you rejected so much constructive advice and went headfirst into being passionate and over thinking about a man who clearly wasn't that into you.   

Do not avoid self blame when it's warranted.   The same with rejections.    Self blame is really useful when figuring out what we're doing wrong and looking for a smarter, way forwards;  The pain of our feelings helps us to reflect on our previous decisions and actions and recognise that we were stuffing things up.   

Honestly, you made so many bad decisions in that thread and if you weren't self blaming, there would be something wrong with you.   Same with rejection.  It's the feeling of rejection which teaches us to make better decision.

Personal growth does not come without inner pain

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I live in a very small place, only about 30 000 inhabitant in my town.

I come from an even smaller town - 28 000. 

I have still never had this many outside influences involved in my love life. You are part of your own problem. You can avoid having that many people in your personal business if you want to.

13 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone

Sorry, butI am going to call BS on this. You get daily comments from friends, family and coworkers that you are hopeless? Yeah, not buying that. 

[Runninggirl]

16 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Sorry, this is blunt, but you are not getting any closer to marriage and children by following the same pattern that you seem to always follow with men.  

Learn how to deflect what your family says about it, it's not their business.  If you want suggestions about how to get them off your back I'm sure many of us have ideas for you.

In any case, you are not being honest with yourself when you put your dating habits on your family and friends and their expectations.  YOU are responsible for YOURSELF.

From your threads it seems very clear that you have some issues that are standing in your way of having a healthy relationship right now.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to be honest and stop telling yourself remarkable stories about what's going on with these guys,  and then be honest also with a therapist.   

Things really can get much much better.  I promise.  But YOU will have to face some things and do work.   If you keep repeating the same unsuccessful patterns over and over again, not only will the results not change, but you will be getting better and better at repeating the same patterns.

You need to break them and you need help to do that.

Absolutely, but not really sure how to move forward and why its not working. Everyone has some issues. Im definitely attracted to the "wrong" men, and probably seem more approachable and open to those men, than other guys. Which makes only the "wrong" ones come in contact with me. Im just not sure how to change that. also I wouldn't say its obvious from the start, it only shows up after a little while. 

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Daily?  Surely this is an exaggeration!   But even if it's once a month, stop talking to them about your dating.  And if they won't stop asking tell them "Kindly, stick your opinion up your arse. My dating is none of your business".    

Get some boundaries in place

I usually dont say anything, just look at them without a word, change the subject, or walk off without a word. 

11 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Please stop talking to them about your love life. If they still continue to give you unwanted advice, gather all those family members, friends, and colleagues in one room. Then smile at them and say this:

”Dear family, friends, and colleagues. I’m very grateful that you’re all so concerned of my love life that you see it as your duty to remind me as frequently as you can how hopeless I am. [smile wider, dripping with sarcasm] While I appreciate your attempt to boost my confidence with these kind words, I’d like to remind you that [yell as loudly as you can] my love life is none of your freakin’ business!! So, kindly butt out!! I’m going to block and cease communication with the next person that’s going to try to emotionally pressure and abuse me by telling me that I’m hopeless. Have a nice day!”

Im not bringing it up, believe me. I think its because I never talk to anyone about my love life, they think its completely dead and they want me to meet someone. I just dont think its anybody business. My workplace for instance is VERY focused on the single peoples love life, its expected to entertain the rest with stories from dating, hooking up etc. Its not my thing, so Ive never told a single story. I hear it all the time "you should be more like x, you're gonna end up like a cat lady, can't you just lower your expectations" etc. 

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

OK.  Not "random" 3rd parties.  But numerous 3rd parties, including all your family members and friends.  

It doesn't matter how many people live in your city.   

They're all important players (to you) in your personal life.  This is not appropriate or healthy.

 

Well. The one who told me wasn't random, so to me the rest are random third parties, but they're not random as they're her ( and this other girls friend).

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I come from an even smaller town - 28 000. 

I have still never had this many outside influences involved in my love life. You are part of your own problem. You can avoid having that many people in your personal business if you want to.

Sorry, butI am going to call BS on this. You get daily comments from friends, family and coworkers that you are hopeless? Yeah, not buying that. 

Its only happened twice that Ive heard anyone say anything about someone I was dating, so its not as crazy coincidence. 

You dont have to believe that its a daily think, but it is. Pretty much every single day someone (most of the time colleagues, family and friend less) comments on my love life. 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 

Im not bringing it up, believe me. I think its because I never talk to anyone about my love life, they think its completely dead and they want me to meet someone. I just dont think its anybody business. My workplace for instance is VERY focused on the single peoples love life, its expected to entertain the rest with stories from dating, hooking up etc. Its not my thing, so Ive never told a single story. 

Oh, come on.  You already told us that a GROUP of "friends" from work ganged up on you and PLOTTED AGAINST YOU (your words).   This never ever could have happened if you didn't share about your love life.   

You've shared other stories about people being involved in your dating life as well.   It's very notable and unusual.  

Ok, perfectly frank and blunt here:  I think you have a propensity for exaggeration and embellishment in order to get the reactions you want from your stories.   I fear that you kind of do this to yourself, inside your own head.  So, you end up not really dealing with things as they really are, but rather you're responding to the narrative you're creating about them.  

This is what I think you could work on with a therapist - if you were willing to actually get to the bottom of it.  And then, you'd be much more prepared to function well in a relationship.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

You dont have to believe that its a daily think, but it is. Pretty much every single day someone (most of the time colleagues, family and friend less) comments on my love life. 

You said you get daily comments that you are "hopeless."

That is what I don't believe. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Ok, perfectly frank and blunt here:  I think you have a propensity for exaggeration and embellishment in order to get the reactions you want from your stories.   I fear that you kind of do this to yourself, inside your own head.

That is exactly what I am seeing too. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im not bringing it up, believe me. I think its because I never talk to anyone about my love life, they think its completely dead and they want me to meet someone. I just dont think its anybody business. My workplace for instance is VERY focused on the single peoples love life, its expected to entertain the rest with stories from dating, hooking up etc. Its not my thing, so Ive never told a single story. I hear it all the time "you should be more like x, you're gonna end up like a cat lady, can't you just lower your expectations" etc. 

If this is literally true at your workplace, it's harassment.  You need to take it to HR.  Or find a new job. 

If your family and friends are all toxic like this, move to a big town with more options.

There's no sense in complaining if you're not going to do anything about it. 

Edited January 19 by basil67

[Runninggirl]

On 1/19/2025 at 9:56 PM, basil67 said:

If this is literally true at your workplace, it's harassment.  You need to take it to HR.  Or find a new job. 

If your family and friends are all toxic like this, move to a big town with more options.

There's no sense in complaining if you're not going to do anything about it. 

unfortunately its not that easy. I changed jobs to make better money, and the workplace I work at now is decent pay (not great, but acceptable), it has a great work life balance, which is uncommon in my field, and its close to where I live so I dont have to commute. I work in a male dominated field, where you have to be pretty thick skinned. You can be whiny about it, but it will be dislike. It doesn't matter if it "shouldn't happen". If I run to HR they'll fix that problem, but it'll tank my carrier there. The world isn't fair. my love life is obviously not all that's being commented on. You get commented on about everything, they comment how you dress, grown men in relationship flirt with you, make sexual jokes, say harsh things about your work. You're expected to "take it", and you're allowed to "talk back". It actually earns you a lot of respect. You dont have to stand there and take it, but try to be a girl and make a grown man uncomfortable by calling him out. He'll be embarrassed and humiliated, and it will ruin your career. 

That's the unfortunate reality. Im doing well at my firm because I play their game. Some people in my firm aren't, and even though they work harder than me, burn out, and do everything else correctly, they're not going anywhere. Im stroking their ego and accept their jokes and opinions on my behalf. 

I might change jobs, Im currently looking for new opportunities, but Ill only be able to leave if I find a better alternative. I can't leave a job just because Im being harassed. that's the uncomfortable truth. 

 

Edit: I know this sounds horrible, like the sexual jokes, the flirting, the harsh comments etc. Im generally not bothered by it, tbh. Its only when its about my love life I hate it, because it hits close to home. All the rest is fine. Im believe or not pretty thick skinned in general. Its just love where Ive been pretty burnt a few times, and feel like Im going nowhere, and Im sensitive about those comments.

 

On 1/19/2025 at 7:36 PM, NuevoYorko said:

Oh, come on.  You already told us that a GROUP of "friends" from work ganged up on you and PLOTTED AGAINST YOU (your words).   This never ever could have happened if you didn't share about your love life.   

You've shared other stories about people being involved in your dating life as well.   It's very notable and unusual.  

Ok, perfectly frank and blunt here:  I think you have a propensity for exaggeration and embellishment in order to get the reactions you want from your stories.   I fear that you kind of do this to yourself, inside your own head.  So, you end up not really dealing with things as they really are, but rather you're responding to the narrative you're creating about them.  

This is what I think you could work on with a therapist - if you were willing to actually get to the bottom of it.  And then, you'd be much more prepared to function well in a relationship.

 

I made the mistake to tell one person who I thought was a friend of mine I was dating him, turns out that was a mistake. 

I can't expect people to believe what I say, but why would I like at an online forum where Im anonymous looking for advice?  

Edited January 25 by Runninggirl

[Runninggirl]

My biggest problem is I struggle with the rejection and self blame, and not being able to really let go of it and stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try to tell myself there's nothing I could have done that would have changed the outcome, or whatever is meant to happen will happen, and it wasn't worth it so on. It still goes around my head over and over, and I can't stop over analyzing and overthinking. 

I think I told in a previous thread I did ask my GP for a "referral" to a therapist and I was told no. He said "its not necessary, for girls like you it will work out", and Ive never felt more humiliated in my life. It was after a bad break up that really affected me, and I was starting to get heavily depressed, anxious and didnt know where to go or what to do. I was crying in his office (I grew up being yelled at or humiliated if I cried, so I never cried infant of anyone), and the whole experience was traumatizing. I felt so belittled and stupid. He talked to me as if I was some privileged girl and my looks would fix everything, as if I couldn't have feelings and all I cried about was not having ANYONE. 

Recently I have thought about maybe asking for anti depressants or similar, because Ive read it can also help with overthinking etc, which I really struggle with, but Im really hesitant to go to my GPs office, although I have a new one now. Because the new one is really against medications, and I really had to ARGUE my way into getting my normal anxiety meds (for panic attacks which I dont use regularily, just on occasions). Im really dependent on them for work, because I pass out from public speaking without them, and Im afraid if I ask for more he's going to try to take them away from me again. Ive tried every form of therapy for panic attacks before, and nothing helped, which is how I got them in the first place. 

I struggle sooo much with overthinking and over analyzing and the constant "what if I had just...then everything would be different" all day long. Like what if I hadn't been gone that day he met that girl, if I was home he would have been with me and they would never have met and I would be happy with him now. Its so stupid, because rationally I know that something else could have happened. There's no way to guarantee an outcome, but I just can't stop the self blame. 

My "friend" at work who knows the girl he hooked up with, and was thrilled to see me so sad about it, and who's friends did what they could to sabotage also happily told me yesterday that they're seeing each other again. I know its true. I also know she's telling me because she wants to see my reaction. Luckily they're changing the placements of the divisions soon, so we might end up on different floors so I can't take some space from her. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

why would I like at an online forum where Im anonymous looking for advice?  

You reject all the advice you're given, so I think this is a very good question.   Why exactly are you here?

[Runninggirl]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

You reject all the advice you're given, so I think this is a very good question.   Why exactly are you here?

Honestly I feel like I don’t get much advice from people who’ve been in the same situation—good advice on how to deal with the problem. Instead, I just get distrustful comments and people telling me to stop dating.

Im asking for advice how to let go of the feeling of rejection and self blame, instead it seems that people get hung up on small details and their personal opinion on the background story for my question. I feel like most of the replies are basically "stop dating and work on yourself", but everyones a work in progress, and Im writing on this forum to work on myself, to get good advice on how to not feel the way I feel after rejection to move on more easily, but it seem like the only thing people here want is for you to stop dating. Which is unrealistic, I dont have the luxury to "take a few years off" from dating, if I want a family etc. Hence why Im trying to work on myself at the same time. But instead Im just being questioned on my story.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Honestly I feel like I don’t get much advice from people who’ve been in the same situation—good advice on how to deal with the problem. Instead, I just get distrustful comments and people telling me to stop dating.

Im asking for advice how to let go of the feeling of rejection and self blame, instead it seems that people get hung up on small details and their personal opinion on the background story for my question. I feel like most of the replies are basically "stop dating and work on yourself", but everyones a work in progress, and Im writing on this forum to work on myself, to get good advice on how to not feel the way I feel after rejection to move on more easily, but it seem like the only thing people here want is for you to stop dating. Which is unrealistic, I dont have the luxury to "take a few years off" from dating, if I want a family etc. Hence why Im trying to work on myself at the same time. But instead Im just being questioned on my story.

I think it's pretty clear that nobody here has been in the same situation - they are just regular people giving the best advice they can based on the life experience they have and this advice is not helping you.   So why keep coming back for more advice which isn't going to work for you?

I'm not asking this to be rude, I think it would be some helpful personal reflection to do, because you seem to do this in romantic relationships too....chasing something which is not going to come your way

Edited January 26 by basil67

[stillafool]

On 1/19/2025 at 8:42 AM, Runninggirl said:

Absolutely, but not really sure how to move forward and why its not working. Everyone has some issues. Im definitely attracted to the "wrong" men, and probably seem more approachable and open to those men, than other guys. Which makes only the "wrong" ones come in contact with me. Im just not sure how to change that. also I wouldn't say its obvious from the start, it only shows up after a little while. 

I've noticed in all your threads that you go for the really good looking men and then want them to be head over heels in love with you right away.  Maybe you're dating out of your league or expecting too much too soon.   Why not give an average guy a second look.  The other thing is to let them chase you and not the other way around.

[stillafool]

-

Edited January 26 by stillafool

[stillafool]

On 1/25/2025 at 4:58 PM, Runninggirl said:

I think I told in a previous thread I did ask my GP for a "referral" to a therapist and I was told no. He said "its not necessary, for girls like you it will work out", and Ive never felt more humiliated in my life.

I skipped over this.  In this case you need to get another GP.  I've never heard of a physician to respond to someone this way when emotionally struggling.  Usually they suggest you take anti-depressants.  Did he do that?

Edited January 26 by stillafool

[stillafool]

On 1/25/2025 at 4:58 PM, Runninggirl said:

My biggest problem is I struggle with the rejection and self blame

One thing that will help you to not struggle so much when a guy rejects you is to not fall for them so fast.  Hold back your emotions until you get a clear picture that you both are on the same page and even then, wait even longer before you jump in the sheets with them.  If you don't have sex with them, you will get over it faster when or if they ghost you.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

m asking for advice how to let go of the feeling of rejection and self blame, instead it seems that people get hung up on small details and their personal opinion on the background story for my question. I feel like most of the replies are basically "stop dating and work on yourself", but everyones a work in progress, and Im writing on this forum to work on myself, to get good advice on how to not feel the way I feel after rejection to move on more easily, but it seem like the only thing people here want is for you to stop dating. Which is unrealistic, I dont have the luxury to "take a few years off" from dating, if I want a family etc. Hence why Im trying to work on myself at the same time. But instead Im just being questioned on my story.

You can't work on breaking your unhealthy patterns while you are continuing to engage in them.  This is why people are telling you to take a break from dating and get serious about working on yourself.  You can look back on your previous threads and see how you ignored the advice you were given in those situations, which just further highlights the impossibility of changing your mindset/habits/patterns while you are simultaneously engaging in the very behaviors you are trying to change.  

If you are going to come here asking for advice and then decide that the advice is not useful because it is focused on the wrong details, this is a cue that either we see something you don't or you are not a reliable narrator of your own experiences.  

FTR, if you got serious about making changes, perhaps with the help of a counselor, you would potentially only be looking at taking off a year from dating, possibly less.  The other option is to keep going as you have been, in which case it's not likely you will be any closer to your goals in a year in any case. 

 

[basil67]

Looking at your title.....Self blame goes hand in hand with regret for our actions, and is important part of personal growth, so can you explain why you want to rid yourself of the feeling?   

Yes, it can take a while to let go of the regrets over our bad decisions.  And sometimes if our actions were foolish/hurtful enough, we need to live with that self blame for the rest of our lives.  It's part of being a human who's capable of growth and self reflection

In all honesty, someone who does not experience self blame is probably a narcissist