To not bottling it all up anymore.

[TTPDLover]

Hi everyone, I’ve followed this site from afar over the last few weeks but finally today I’m sharing my story. 

I had a 5/6 month EA and PA with a married man. It is someone I used to know a long time ago. When we initially met, we clicked instantly as friends and he was someone I could always talk to for hours but I didn’t ever see him in that light because he’s an avoidant, I found him to be ‘fluffy’ as in, I never really knew what he wanted, he always danced around rather than being direct so it never became frankly anything and I moved on. Fast forward 6 years and he saw me out one day, I didn’t see him but he then proceeded to message me via social media. Long story short, he pushed to meet up and it ended up turning into an affair. Yes I’m a terrible person I know but he also told me all the generic lines that MM seem to have down in their little black books. He’s been with his partner on and off for around 13 years (they were on an off period when I first ever met him 6 years ago). He told me he’d always thought about me, that he regrets not trying harder 6 years ago and that marriage is not what he thought it would be. He also said he doesn’t feel his wife ‘challenges him’. 

Anyway fast forward to now, we had all the ups and downs and on and offs that the pattern of affairs seem to follow judging from the information and experiences from people on here but he told me he loved me and that he has never felt this way about his wife. Despite this, at the end of November, we had a mini D-Day. His wife found messages on his phone, there were a lot and the chat was muted which obviously is suspicious within itself but I don’t think she either had time or didn’t scroll up far enough to find anything CONCRETE. There was a message fairly recent about cleaning up in the bathroom the first time which I honestly have no idea how he got out of that but I’m assuming he said the first time as in the ‘first time’ we met. Madness how that would have been believed but ANYWAY… we had been speaking that morning then suddenly I received a message saying ‘need to stop and just lay low because she’s been through my phone’, the next messages I got were basically 5 words which was his cover story and included ‘no sex’ ‘bye’. I didn’t reply because I was kind of shocked at the whole situation. I didn’t hear off him until a couple days after in which he told me he was having to go off social media, to block his wife, to maintain the cover story of no intimacy if she did contact and that he needed to go and ‘do what’s best for his life’…

That was over 4 weeks ago. This is the longest we’ve never had NC. The longest we’ve had in the past was a one off that was just under 3 weeks. I have had rough days where sometimes the hurt absolutely consumes me but I have made a lot of progress. Today I was stupid and went onto his social media (I deleted him a few days after the last message so his account is private), I have been going on daily. I don’t even know why. Just to torture myself, just to remind myself it really did happen and he really did exist perhaps… but anyway, today he’s uploaded a post (I can’t see it but the number has increased) and it’s just killed me. It’s like a hole has been pierced through my heart! How stupid that something so trivial can feel such a set back. I’m hurt that I’m sat here missing him and he’s basically just back to playing happy families on his wife, he’s on social media and he’s never thought or even had enough respect to reach out and acknowledge how he treated me in this. 
 

There’s no particular purpose of this post. It’s just to share because no one knows and it’s so hard to grieve for it when I’m bottling it up to myself. Do they really just forget about all the times that you shared? Did it really all just mean nothing to him? Or is the dust likely to settle and he tries to come back?

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, TTPDLover said:

Or is the dust likely to settle and he tries to come back?

Possibly.

The question then becomes, are you interested in taking him back?

I’m sorry that you are hurting with the end of this relationship, but this is the way the cookie crumbles when you chose to be in a relationship with a married man. He can, and apparently has, decided to end it at any moment with no explanation. He owes you nothing.
 

24 minutes ago, TTPDLover said:

he’s never thought or even had enough respect to reach out and acknowledge how he treated me in this. 

You are expecting respect from a man who is disrespecting his wife by lying to her about the fact that he is pursuing another relationship with another woman? 

As the saying goes, when people show you who they really are - believe them.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to block him on social media and loose his phone number… It’s the start of a new year, make decisions that will bring good things to you in the coming year - focus on exercise and self-care, find a therapist, spend time with friends and family, invest your time and attention in a new hobby that will bring you joy…

Don’t go into a new year grieving the loss of a relationship with a man who has dropped you unceremoniously. He is not worth it - value yourself more than you place value on this cheating man.

Best wishes. 

Edited December 30, 2024 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, TTPDLover said:

I’m hurt that I’m sat here missing him and he’s basically just back to playing happy families on his wife, he’s on social media and he’s never thought or even had enough respect to reach out and acknowledge how he treated me in this.

Now you might have an idea of how his wife feels when neither of you had any respect for her when you both decided to enter this affair.  As was said above "that's just the way the cookie crumbles" in situations like this.   Do better.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, TTPDLover said:

he’s never thought or even had enough respect to reach out and acknowledge how he treated me in this.

Are you expecting a cheater to treat people with respect and acknowledge their faults? That’s not how cheaters are. That’s why they are cheaters.

 

8 hours ago, TTPDLover said:

Do they really just forget about all the times that you shared?

Most cheaters do forget, yes. Because for most cheaters, the affair partner is the means and never the goal. They use the affair partners in a futile attempt to fix their problems. Once they believe they feel better and there is hope to rekindle the romance with the wives, they discard the affair partner like a dirty rag.

In the rather few cases that the cheater really falls in love with the affair partner, they divorce their wives and cease to be cheaters. Since that is not what happened in your case, you can safely assume that you were used and forgotten.

 

8 hours ago, TTPDLover said:

Or is the dust likely to settle and he tries to come back?

This is not the right question. The right question is, “Will you be so gullible and disrespectful of yourself as to take him back?”

 

 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, TTPDLover said:

but he told me he loved me and that he has never felt this way about his wife.

Now you know this was a lie.  If he really loved you this or any D-day would be his out to leave her and be with you.  Instead he's doing everything possible to keep her.  That should be enough to make you put on your big girl panties and move on.