Momof4more Posted December 30, 2024 Share Posted December 30, 2024 Sorry, a lot of background first. after being married for 22 years I found out my husband was having an affair with a younger woman at his workplace for the last 18 months. I found out because he was fired from his high paying executive position for sexual harassment as reported by this same woman. We are now seeing a marriage therapist to see if we can salvage our marriage. Here is my problem. Last Christmas our son had open heart surgery and holidays were a blur. I worked my butt off to make sure everyone had their Christmas list completed before the surgery. Typically, my husband and I do not exchange Christmas gifts but we do stockings for each other. Last year he got me absolutely nothing. Not even a spatula or piece of candy for my stocking. I had to do my own stocking. I was quietly crushed and it was the worst christmas ever. I found out that last year, my husband took this other woman to the mall and purchased her a pair of high end shoes for $1000. Sickening to me especially since I didn’t receive a thing from him. we are trying to move forward. He is so apologetic and I believe genuinely feels bad for what has been done to our relationship. so this year for Christmas he seemed excited he was getting me gifts. I thought for sure he would hit it out of the park and I would be getting something pretty impressive. i opened a pair of huge black diamond stud earrings and a matching necklace. at first glance I thought he must have spent a fortune, but when looking closer I could see inclusions in the earrings quite easily. He told me he purchased them at zales. So I had to look. These earrings have a clarity of 13 (the worst) and cost about $250. The necklace about $600. Now I don’t want to appear shallow here, I am usually fairly frugal but my husband can be as well. He has purchased me some awesome jewelry in the past (long ago now) I know he is capable. I know he also just lost his job but money isn’t the issue here… we are well enough off for him to be able to retire after all this (he is 65) How in the world do I approach this with sounding shallow and horrible? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 30, 2024 Share Posted December 30, 2024 Is this issue that your husband spent $150 more on her than you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2024 Share Posted December 30, 2024 27 minutes ago, stillafool said: Is this issue that your husband spent $150 more on her than you? Exactly. The jewelry that was gifted is not the issue here. It’s the disrespect that would be a problem for me. 3 hours ago, Momof4more said: we are trying to move forward. He is so apologetic and I believe genuinely feels bad for what has been done to our relationship. Does he feel badly for what he’s done to your relationship? Or does he feel badly because he was caught, he lost his job, and he is now trying to salvage what is left. I would urge you not to confuse one for the other. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof4more Posted December 30, 2024 Author Share Posted December 30, 2024 33 minutes ago, stillafool said: Is this issue that your husband spent $150 more on her than you? Somewhat? I feel her gift was purchased to impress and my gift was purchased to match what he spent on hers but he fell short. I feel like he cheaped out on my gift…. I know that sounds shallow and I don’t want to come off that way. But the quality of her gift vs the quality of gift are profoundly different. I thought he would really want to get me something to impress me after everything we’ve been through but that’s not what happened Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 30, 2024 Share Posted December 30, 2024 31 minutes ago, Momof4more said: Somewhat? I feel her gift was purchased to impress and my gift was purchased to match what he spent on hers but he fell short. I feel like he cheaped out on my gift…. I know that sounds shallow and I don’t want to come off that way. But the quality of her gift vs the quality of gift are profoundly different. I thought he would really want to get me something to impress me after everything we’ve been through but that’s not what happened But he didn’t buy to respect you or make you feel important. i would return them and buy myself something I really wanted - no matter if it’s twice as much! he fell short - that’s his pattern - not respecting you and prioritizing you less than her. Address those issues in therapy now! how can you know his affair ended? Just wondering. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 30, 2024 Share Posted December 30, 2024 What consequences has he had besides losing his job? He may not have really thought you would leave him. People rarely change when they are comfortable. maybe you’ve kept him in too much of a comfortable place since finding out? what has HE actually done to change/improve and to make things better in your marriage? Not you - HIM! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2024 Share Posted December 30, 2024 (edited) 1 hour ago, Momof4more said: But the quality of her gift vs the quality of gift are profoundly different. I thought he would really want to get me something to impress me after everything we’ve been through but that’s not what happened What does that tell you? This is not about the gift - as you say, you are not that shallow. You are using the price tag on the gift as a measure of how much your husband values you, respects you, loves you, and has chosen you/wants to keep his marriage - relative to another woman. Personally, I would be totally irritated by this gift. If he thinks that he can buy my affection in this way - he would have another thing coming. It’s easy to buy diamond earrings… I would want something that shows thought, time, and affection… plan a weekend getaway away. Give me a day at the spa. Give me something that I love - something that he heard, that he knew I wanted, that he knows I love… if that’s diamond earrings to you, that’s totally ok. It would not be for me. This, to me, would not demonstrate remorse, recommitment, or affection in any way… I would also be very annoyed that he spent this kind of money if he is still unemployed. (Not knowing anything about your finances). I understand, this is a big thing for you because last year he got you nothing. You have really got to ask yourself, what are you willing to accept to stay in this marriage? Edited December 30, 2024 by BaileyB 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Daliah Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 Your husband was so absorbed in getting his rocks off with his other woman that he failed to give you a second thought while he was splashing marital funds out on his concubine to Impress her, leaving you at the bottom of the ladder without so much as a lump of coal and an orange for Christmas, hence the cheaper option this year… and NOW he’s sorry?….Oh no he isn’t, he’s sorry he had to confess before she grassed on him is more likely. He’s full of shite. I have to be blunt because I see this horse manure SO often. It’s unfathomable because you’ve been married to this twat for a long time. It makes a difference. You trust implicitly because that’s what you promised each other 22 years ago and you’ve kept your promises, not thinking for one minute that he wasn’t keeping his, and that’s why discovering you married a liar and a narcissist is so painful. Marriage counselling is a waste of your time and energy unless and until there are actual consequences for his blatant disrespect and betrayal. I would suggest you stop trying to ‘nice’ him out of this and decide what your own boundaries are before you even consider remaining in a relationship with this selfish man. The marriage you had is over. Do you want to create a new one with a man worthy of your love and devotion? Will your husband be able to step up to be that man? I don’t know, but I do know that if you don’t honour yourself first and foremost and be absolutely resolute about what you expect from him to feel safe in the future, you’ll be here again in a short time, I guarantee it. He will run all over you while your head is spinning as you scramble to save the rotten remnants of what currently exists of your marriage, and he will take advantage of your weakened state. Don’t do that to yourself and your children. Don’t let this man con you out of anymore of your sanity and self respect. Distance yourself while you gather your wits and give yourself time to really think about what you want and where this leads, and don’t listen to his words, WATCH his actions… 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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