She is super into me but still VERY FRIENDLY with guy that slept with her 2 months ago

[The_CROW]

Ok so.

We're all in the same friend group that I joined this year, however they had been friends for 2 years longer than I've known them. The guy(let's call him Sam) had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend and even when we would all be together they would constantly talk between eachother more than with others. I wasn't on her radar at all as we would only talk a little bit, she was friendly towards me but I could tell there was no attraction.

Fast forward 6 months later, she (let's call her Amy) has no boyfriend now, I've put on a lot more muscle as well as winning the national boxing championship tournament at light heavyweight. I'm back hanging out with them regularly and word got to me that she told one of our friends something like "Wow, look at him." as I look a lot better than I did when she initially met me. I've never been in this shape before in my life.

Word has also went around our little friend group that I've been out there dating. So, I've started noticing her pay a lot more attention to me, she looks at me when we're all laughing, has rubbed her breasts/butt against me several times and likes to touch me frequently, my biceps, my forearms, my chest, wherever she can lay a hand on as we're talking or for example if I'm showing her something on my phone, etc.

I was talking to her about this place I've been with an ex and how fun it was, she looks at me and says, "Really? I've never been there." and looked at me as if I should have asked her out to go there with me.

Well I took too long thinking what if she rejects me, what if this is all in my head, what if it doesn't work out, we have to see eachother once/twice a week, our friends blah blah.

And Sam, she has been touchy with him as well, they have been flirting but pretty lightly as he was still in a relationship but one day he broke up with his girlfriend and started chatting her up as me and her were sitting together.

Amy looked at me and I understood the look clear as day (If you don't ask me out there are others that will) and a girl friend of her basically told me that she was interested in me but is upset with me cause I didn't ask her out. So a couple weeks later I tried leading the conversation to ask her out but she felt it coming and shut it down before I could get to it, she helped me save face to be honest and changed subjects. She doesn't want me anymore as she is dating Sam now.

I found out they slept together, and have probably slept with eachother multiple times as this was going on for 2 months almost. Well, fast forward 2 months, Sam gets back together with his ex and proposes to her a week later, she says yes, ring on her finger and all.

He posts it on his insta story and everyone's hugging him and congratulating him. I see Amy a few days later and she's walking around not smiling, not talking to anyone, nothing. He got up to hug her and she gave him sort of a lifeless hug. Eventually though they started chatting again, and now she is all over him again. She hugs him and laughs like a little girl, talks to him as if nothing happened, sits next to him on purpose, cups his cheeks and he holds her by her waist as they hug and talk to eachother briefly...

But, she also sits next to me on purpose, finds reasons to touch me again and flirts with me, was showing me half naked vacation pictures of her on her phone a few days ago, tells me she isn't seeing anyone and I know she's flerting with me and would go out with me if I asked her now, I'm sure of it.

Then what the hell is she doing with Sam? What's with all this BS? Why is she all over him and cupping his cheek while Sam holds her by her waist? Guy's married, he literally left his ex girlfriend, smashed Amy for a couple months, got back with his ex and MARRIED HER, effectively dumping Amy like a used rag.

Why is he not respecting his wife by keeping his distance from Amy, and why would Amy do these kind of things with a guy that did that to her? And all this infront of me too... Does she not respect herself or what?

She has a good personality, we've always had great conversations and we're compatible, she is very very physically good looking. But all this crap has me confused on what to do. Do I really want to be with the girl that is all over some dude that left his ex, had his fun with her and then left her only to go back to his ex?

Please help me make some sense out of this.

[smackie9]

She's not GF material she was in it for the sex. She likes playing the field smashing guys that have the confidence to do so. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, The_CROW said:

Why is he not respecting his wife by keeping his distance from Amy, and why would Amy do these kind of things with a guy that did that to her? And all this infront of me too... Does she not respect herself or what?

Amy doesn't respect herself, nor this guy's relationship. Why Sam does all this is anyone's guess, but it's also not your problem. Don't waste time wondering why Sam is the way he is. Not worth your mental energy. 

She isn't someone I would advise dating. She is clearly into this Sam and not so much into you as a person, except for attention and compliments. She only noticed you when you got bulkier. What does that tell you about how much she values appearance over substance? 

I would give her a hard pass. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, The_CROW said:

Then what the hell is she doing with Sam? What's with all this BS? Why is she all over him and cupping his cheek while Sam holds her by her waist? Guy's married, he literally left his ex girlfriend, smashed Amy for a couple months, got back with his ex and MARRIED HER, effectively dumping Amy like a used rag.

Why is he not respecting his wife by keeping his distance from Amy, and why would Amy do these kind of things with a guy that did that to her? And all this infront of me too... Does she not respect herself or what?

How are we supposed to know?  It sounds like she is young and flirtatious and likes the attention.  If you are turned off by a girl who is flirtatious with other guys then she is probably not the girl for you.  

[The_CROW]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Amy doesn't respect herself, nor this guy's relationship. Why Sam does all this is anyone's guess, but it's also not your problem. Don't waste time wondering why Sam is the way he is. Not worth your mental energy. 

She isn't someone I would advise dating. She is clearly into this Sam and not so much into you as a person, except for attention and compliments. She only noticed you when you got bulkier. What does that tell you about how much she values appearance over substance? 

I would give her a hard pass. 

I mean even after they smashed she still wanted me (I said sth like "Jane, you're a doctor, Amy's been talking nonsense I think you should check her out", and Amy's like "No, not her. YOU should check me out".)

She would have gone out with me if I asked her to. She will go out with me if I ask her tomorrow. She has been hitting on me more and more.

It's just... Does this girl seem normal to you after what I've described in the OP? Does this seem GF material or should I even get involved with this girl sexually? I just want the opinion of someone that doesn't feel attracted to her cause I've disregarded red flags with previous women simply because they were drop dead gorgeous.

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

How are we supposed to know?  It sounds like she is young and flirtatious and likes the attention.  If you are turned off by a girl who is flirtatious with other guys then she is probably not the girl for you.  

Most girls are flirtatious and like attention even if they're in a relationship to be honest. It's this specific girl, should I get involved or not is what I've been racking my brain about.

[basil67]

You have zero respect for Amy, but are considering asking her out.

Stop thinking with your little head

[ShyViolet]

16 minutes ago, The_CROW said:

It's this specific girl, should I get involved or not is what I've been racking my brain about.

If you are this unsure about her, or this bothered by her past actions, they don't waste her time and leave her alone.  When you really like someone you have no reservations about wanting to be with them.

[The_CROW]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If you are this unsure about her, or this bothered by her past actions, they don't waste her time and leave her alone.  When you really like someone you have no reservations about wanting to be with them.

That's the thing, if she just slept with the guy it's ok like I don't blame her, she wasn't with me, no problem.

But imagine someone leaving his ex, smashing you for a couple months, then going back to his ex and marrying her, and you being sad for a week then go back to hugging and touching his face and sitting next to him all happy and all... This is what's bothering me, this is in the present, like 10 days ago this happened.

Edited December 30, 2024 by The_CROW

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, The_CROW said:

I mean even after they smashed she still wanted me

You're misunderstanding what she wants from you. She wants attention and maybe sex. But I don't see that she wants to actually know you as a person or wants to date you. 

33 minutes ago, The_CROW said:

Does this seem GF material

No, she doesn't. Not for you, anyway. She doesn't appear to have a deeper interest in you. 

11 minutes ago, The_CROW said:

But imagine someone leaving his ex, smashing you for a couple months, then going back to his ex and marrying her, and you being sad for a week then go back to hugging and touching his face and sitting next to him all happy and all... This is what's bothering me, this is in the present, like 10 days ago this happened.

We know, we read this in your initial post. She is really into this guy and apparently doesn't much care that he's gone back to his ex. She will still try to get his attention and be inappropriately close to him. 

You would be the back-up when this guy isn't giving her what she wants. I am not sure what you're unclear on. It's quite obvious where her true interest is, and it's not really with you. 

 

[S2B]

She’s not the loyal type - if you expect her to be a player then ask her out - but don’t expect her to only pay attention to you.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, The_CROW said:

It's just... Does this girl seem normal to you after what I've described in the OP? Does this seem GF material or should I even get involved with this girl sexually?

To be honest, these questions of yours seem less normal to me than Amy’s behavior.

You talk as though you were in any position to become Amy’s boyfriend, and even considering getting involved with her sexually without having a relationship. First of all, that tells us that you don’t really like or respect her, you just want to have sex with her because she looks good.

Second, you seem to ignore the main issue here, and that’s not Amy’s moral character. The problem is that Amy likes Sam, she never really liked you,. You were her backup guy. Wanting to be together with a girl who clearly has feelings for another guy isn’t something you should be feeling right now.

[The_CROW]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The problem is that Amy likes Sam, she never really liked you,. You were her backup guy. Wanting to be together with a girl who clearly has feelings for another guy isn’t something you should be feeling right now.

I fully understand how you may be thinking this but she liked both of us at the same time, him first though but we've had plenty of deep conversations where she's done her best to qualify herself to me and has tried to position herself for me to ask her out way before Sam asked her out. If I was the first to ask her out and we started dating, I don't know if anything would have happened with him.

She likes me and she would definitely want something physical. I'm seeing another girl and Amy tried convincing me why this girl is the wrong girl for me at a party last week, implying indirectly that SHE is right for me instead.

She liked me before she went out with this dude.

[MsJayne]

14 hours ago, The_CROW said:

Do I really want to be with the girl that is all over some dude that left his ex, had his fun with her and then left her only to go back to his ex?

No.

 

14 hours ago, The_CROW said:

She has a good personality,

Are you sure about that? See below.

 

2 hours ago, The_CROW said:

I'm seeing another girl and Amy tried convincing me why this girl is the wrong girl for me at a party last week, implying indirectly that SHE is right for me instead.

You're blinded by Amy's good looks. She's an attention seeker and a trouble maker. You've been warned. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, The_CROW said:

I fully understand how you may be thinking this but she liked both of us at the same time, him first though but we've had plenty of deep conversations where she's done her best to qualify herself to me and has tried to position herself for me to ask her out way before Sam asked her out. If I was the first to ask her out and we started dating, I don't know if anything would have happened with him.

She likes me and she would definitely want something physical. I'm seeing another girl and Amy tried convincing me why this girl is the wrong girl for me at a party last week, implying indirectly that SHE is right for me instead.

She liked me before she went out with this dude.

You’re seeing another girl while still trying to get together with Amy? What kind of a guy are you? Please break up with this girl, stringing her along is not a nice thing to do, it will backfire at you badly.

Regardless of that, I still don’t understand what is it exactly that you’re trying to convince yourself of. There is no use at all to be thinking what would or could or should have happened with Amy. What really did happen is that Amy got together with Sam, he dumped her, but she still wants his attention. That she wants your attention as well, or the attention of 273 other men, is completely irrelevant. You know already that she doesn’t have real feelings for you. She is trying to keep you as an option, for self validation or any other reason, but definitely not due to any deep feelings.

Are you really that insecure that you desire Amy’s attention, and the attention of the girl you’re seeing as well? Then you’re exactly the same as Amy, you’re both behaving very immaturely.

[The_CROW]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You’re seeing another girl while still trying to get together with Amy? What kind of a guy are you? Please break up with this girl, stringing her along is not a nice thing to do, it will backfire at you badly.

Regardless of that, I still don’t understand what is it exactly that you’re trying to convince yourself of. There is no use at all to be thinking what would or could or should have happened with Amy. What really did happen is that Amy got together with Sam, he dumped her, but she still wants his attention. That she wants your attention as well, or the attention of 273 other men, is completely irrelevant. You know already that she doesn’t have real feelings for you. She is trying to keep you as an option, for self validation or any other reason, but definitely not due to any deep feelings.

Are you really that insecure that you desire Amy’s attention, and the attention of the girl you’re seeing as well? Then you’re exactly the same as Amy, you’re both behaving very immaturely.

I'm not in a relationship. You can't break up with someone if you're just going on dates and having fun with them. You just stop seeing them when you don't want to anymore.

[Gebidozo]

13 minutes ago, The_CROW said:

I'm not in a relationship. You can't break up with someone if you're just going on dates and having fun with them. You just stop seeing them when you don't want to anymore.

Well, you said you were seeing another girl. In my time, “seeing someone” meant “being exclusive with someone romantically”. Maybe I’m getting old and confusing those terms. If the girl you’re seeing now knows that you aren’t exclusive, that you’re simply having fun with her, that you’re still craving for Amy, that there is no relationship, that she is free to have sex with other guys at any time, then there should be no problem here. She knows all that, right? 

[Amanda logan]

Seeking Attention and Validation: Amy might be using her interactions with both you and Sam to seek attention, validation, or an emotional boost, especially after the way Sam treated her. Her touchiness, flirting, and attempts to engage with you could be her way of testing her appeal or regaining a sense of control in the friend group.
Inconsistent Boundaries: Her behavior toward Sam, even after he treated her poorly, may indicate unresolved feelings or a lack of clear boundaries. This could suggest she struggles with self-respect or prioritizing her emotional well-being.

[The_CROW]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, you said you were seeing another girl. In my time, “seeing someone” meant “being exclusive with someone romantically”. Maybe I’m getting old and confusing those terms. If the girl you’re seeing now knows that you aren’t exclusive, that you’re simply having fun with her, that you’re still craving for Amy, that there is no relationship, that she is free to have sex with other guys at any time, then there should be no problem here. She knows all that, right? 

She is fully aware and we have been seeing eachother for very little time. It is not serious.

 

1 hour ago, Amanda logan said:

Seeking Attention and Validation: Amy might be using her interactions with both you and Sam to seek attention, validation, or an emotional boost, especially after the way Sam treated her. Her touchiness, flirting, and attempts to engage with you could be her way of testing her appeal or regaining a sense of control in the friend group.
Inconsistent Boundaries: Her behavior toward Sam, even after he treated her poorly, may indicate unresolved feelings or a lack of clear boundaries. This could suggest she struggles with self-respect or prioritizing her emotional well-being.

I think you're spot on to be honest.

What amuses me if I actually met Amy outside of this friend group, if I never knew what happened between her and Sam and never knew any of this like if I just met her randomly, I'd think she's one of the best girls I've ever met. I'd have dove in head first and would have been all over her from the get go.

Even if I ditch her and never pay much attention to her again, how do I know the next girl I meet hasn't gone / isn't going through something like this (or worse)?

I'm a guy that's been all about sports and training since a kid, I was never interested in travelling the world or partying or meaningless sex with random women cause if I wasn't out with my friends or in school, I would be in the gym training. Ideally I would like a partner that hasn't been with dozens of men before me and is free from emotional trauma but this seems more and more unlikely tbh.

I get attention at work from beautiful girls that already have boyfriends, and it pisses me off when they start touching me and flerting with me even though in a relationship.

But it is what it is, I'll have to figure this all out myself.

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, The_CROW said:

Ideally I would like a partner that hasn't been with dozens of men before me and is free from emotional trauma but this seems more and more unlikely tbh.

Our partners’ past lives are generally none of our business. Nobody is obliged to report to us how many partners they have had. Furthermore, the number of past partners per se tells us very little about what kind of a person they are now or even used to be. You’ll do yourself a big favor if you remove that parameter from your romantic equation altogether.

As for emotional trauma, I think all of us have some of that to a certain extent, and again the main problem is whether said trauma affects our current relationship or not. Learning about some past emotional trauma alone will only tell you very little, the main issue is how the person in question chooses to deal with it.

Women who touch you and flirt with you while being in a relationship do not represent the female population. You can simply choose to stay away from such women. There are plenty of women out there who are capable of making mature choices and being faithful to their partners.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, can I ask how old you are? 

[The_CROW]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Our partners’ past lives are generally none of our business.

 

Yes they are. Show me your past and I'll show you your future. I've been very aware of my actions my entire life and not one person on this planet can say oh he's done this he's done that. I may not have been the kindest person to everyone but there's not a single blemish on my past that I'd ever hide, be ashamed of or be dishonest about. I'd expect the same thing out of my partner.

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, can I ask how old you are? 

26

[ShyViolet]

21 minutes ago, The_CROW said:

 

26

Shockingly immature behavior for 26.  From the entire tone of your posts I really thought you guys were maybe 18-21 at most.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, The_CROW said:

Yes they are. Show me your past and I'll show you your future.

So you’re an adherent of strict determinism? You don’t think that human beings possess free will and are able to change and grow spiritually? You should know that determinism has pretty much discredited itself as a philosophy. It contradicts observable reality, which is noticeably more complex.

Also, whatever your philosophical beliefs may be, please understand that most mature women won’t show you their past unless you ask them very nicely and show them that you don’t feel entitled and are grateful that they are willing to share it with you. The past of your potential partner is none of your business not because your deterministic philosophy is false, but because it’s their right not to share it.

 

1 hour ago, The_CROW said:

I've been very aware of my actions my entire life and not one person on this planet can say oh he's done this he's done that. I may not have been the kindest person to everyone but there's not a single blemish on my past that I'd ever hide, be ashamed of or be dishonest about.

I hope you understand that self-righteousness is a very unattractive trait. Lack of humility is a major turn off for most people, male and female. I don’t think any mature woman would want to be with a person who thinks he is without blemish. Ask the women of this forum if you don’t believe me.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Shockingly immature behavior for 26.  From the entire tone of your posts I really thought you guys were maybe 18-21 at most.

Agreed, the whole story and OP’s reaction to it scream “high school romance”.

Edited December 31, 2024 by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, The_CROW said:

Show me your past and I'll show you your future.

This is your lack of life experience and immaturity speaking. 

You have a lot to learn, son. About life and evidently about dating and relationships. You should be more emotionally grown by 26, but this thread is putting your gaps on full display.