Foreign_female Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 First of all; English is not my native language but I would like to share my story here because it is difficult to find a suitable place to talk about this topic. In 2020, a colleague I got along well with quit his job and added me on Facebook. He indicated that he liked the fact that we could still be in touch because he thought I was a nice woman. We stayed in touch and we went out for lunch once. He complained a lot about his marriage and I listened to him and tried to give him tips. After a month, he admitted to having feelings for me. I indicated that I think he is a very nice man but that I think it would be better to remain friends. Because of his marriage and because of the age difference. then corona started, we kept chatting and occasionally walking. I discussed my problems with my parents and my brother with him. he was there for me. My brother became psychotic and my parents imposed that I had to take care of him. But I never had a good relationship with him, he could be aggressive towards me and I always said that my brother needed help. I know for sure that he has asperger syndrome. My parents always waved this away and now that he has become mentally ill I have to 'solve' it for the rest of my life. I said that this is not my job. Because of this I got into an argument with my parents. In the meantime a machine broke down in the building where I live which caused serious noise pollution in my entire apartment. I almost succumbed to it mentally. This lasted almost 6 months and eventually it was fixed by the housing association after I had a noise measurement done. Shortly afterwards my father suddenly died of a heart attack. my sleep was very very poor all that time. it was hell. i got through the cremation with 4 hours of sleep. And maybe no deep or almost no deep sleep. I was happy with the support of married men and I developed feelings for him because he was so sweet. But in retrospect he may have said everything to manipulate me. He knew about my desire to have children and indicated that he would like to have children with me, living with me, I'm his soulmate etc. After a year and a half I told him that I really liked him and asked if he was sure that he would give up everything for me. That his sons would not want to see him anymore in the worst case scenario. He was sure of it. From that moment we became physical. I continued to doubt the age difference for a while, but we had so much fun together that it went away. In addition, the death of my father made age so meaningless. At the beginning of 2023 we decided to be ASAP together and he wanted me to be pregnant so that we could continue together and he had a good reason to leave home. This happened in April.... I was very happy about it and wanted to see him as soon as possible. He was exciting and talked about a love baby. I was a bit insecure because of the situation and spoke this to him with the intention that he would reassure me. But a day later he had completely turned around. he said the harshest things to me to manipulate me into having it removed. I was very shocked by this because I don't know him like that. He said that I was using him, that he hasn't any trust in me as a mom, that my appointment at the abortion clinic was false that I lied about being able to cancel the appointment when I change my mind. I hung up the phone saying a**h*** or something. A week after this phone call was my appointment and I had it removed because I felt that I didn't have enough to offer a child on my own at this time. I wanted a family, not this situation. A couple of weeks later he send me a message, how i felt physically. I didn't tell him anything about the treatment and he never asked for it. He did ask if he could see me one more time. I did that to hear his story and maybe get an apology. Then I told him. He saw all my sadness and he said he wasn't 'happy'. After this his behavior on everything I say is defensive and he acts like a victim. so much happened that I find it hard to write down but a few weeks later he wanted to see me again. we met again and then he told me that he wasn't against the baby but that this was the wrong time. He came up with a whole story again and asked if I still wanted him if he chose me now. unfortunately I went along with that and after reaching the new deadline he withdrew again because of the complexity. A lot of sadness followed and no empathy from his side, he only feels like a victim. At some point he indicated that his wife had read emails to me. I then asked his wife about this and I got the following response from her: It is indeed true that I saw your email and I do find it antisocial if *** keeps us both on a string. He has to make a clear choice. I don't want any further contact with you. he was of course very angry with me about this. We made up again but I couldn't hold out any longer and blocked him three weeks before the new deadline would arrive. After 2 months I received the following email: I want to let you go, I have to let you go. My work is going to s*** and I feel like I'm going to lose it. I have nothing to offer you. You can't live on love. like that. But I don't understand why you pulled the plug. But okay. It's your choice. Maybe a right one. I wish you all the best Can he / people really be this mean? in one of the last messages he also said once that I knew he was married from the beginning. I often can't believe what I've gotten myself into and it was never my intention. He even attended my father's cremation by video. I haven't spoken to him for 5 months now, thankfully, but i keep hesitating to tell his wife about the pregnancy. i have screenshots of him saying how happy he is that i am pregnant. He is a horrible man. Is he sick? Thank you for reading. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 Honestly, you were just as deep in this web of deception as he was. You have no moral ground to stand on Best to put this in your past and focus on becoming your best self 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Foreign_female said: Can he / people really be this mean? Yes. Read this board, it is literally filled with stories of men and women who have had affairs and are then “shocked” that their affair partner - the one who had sworn their love and affection - has changed in an instant and treated them so badly. I’m sorry to say it, but your story is typical of many affairs… when it is good, it is very very good but when it goes bad - it goes very very bad. I’m very sorry for your loss - both your father and your baby. I wish you comfort in your grief. That said, the lesson here is not to be so trusting of a married man who tells you that he wants to impregnate you. The decision making here was spectacularly poor and you really need to learn from this experience. The quality of our lives is a direct result of the decisions we all make - when you make poor decisions, life does not go very well for you… Edited December 31, 2024 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 21 minutes ago, Foreign_female said: in one of the last messages he also said once that I knew he was married from the beginning. He is not wrong. I would have little patience for his attempt to shift the blame and avoid his own responsibility in this situation… you made the decision to get involved with another woman’s husband. That’s yours to own. 22 minutes ago, Foreign_female said: i keep hesitating to tell his wife about the pregnancy. For what purpose would you choose to tell her? He has made his choice and he has ended all contact. Move forward, not backward. That’s my best advice for you now - move forward and learn from this… Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreign_female Posted December 31, 2024 Author Share Posted December 31, 2024 (edited) So that she knows the full story and that he is still mailing me from another email address. I started ignoring him. yes, I’ve definitely learned my lesson. Edited December 31, 2024 by Foreign_female Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreign_female Posted December 31, 2024 Author Share Posted December 31, 2024 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: For what purpose would you choose to tell her? He has made his choice and he has ended all contact. Move forward, not backward. That’s my best advice for you now - move forward and learn from this… Previous week he did made a new LinkedIn account to watch my profile, I did already block two accounts of him. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 If you were to send the screenshot about the two of you discussing your pregnancy, you're giving evidence about his wrongdoings against her. But you're also giving evidence of your wrongdoings. If she was sufficiently upset, it's very likely she could send these images viral and your reputation would end up just as destroyed as his. Please don't do this if you care what others think of you Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 51 minutes ago, Foreign_female said: So that she knows the full story and that he is still mailing me from another email address. I would continue to ignore/block him. If he persists - I would threaten to speak with his wife or go to the police to ask for a protection order (depending on where you live). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 He is a married man who got another pregnant. You are a woman who knowingly got pregnant by a married man. Neither of is any position to be mud-slinging at the other. Both of you demonstrated abysmal judgment, and both of you behaed in ways that could hurt others and turn their lives upside down. Inform his wife about the pregnancy if you want, but be prepared for serious backlash of your own, too. Are you prepared to handle that? Now is your time to focus less on him, and more on fixing yourself. You can't change him, but you can change you. You have got deep, deep soul-searching to do here, and a lot of moral compass-polishing ahead of you. Let 2025 be the year you make better choices for yourself and let go of dysfunction. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreign_female Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 Today i received a postcard. ‘Be happy’ was on front of it. ‘With lead in my shoes I send you this card. First of all: sorry, sorry for what I did to you. Since July 27th my world has turned gray. Gray because you are no longer there. I hurt you and that was never my intention. You have never been out of my thoughts. Not a day. I miss your voice, I miss your stories I miss so much. I was too scared and too cowardly to make a decision. To choose you and me. To choose us. I fear that I made the wrong choice and I accept the consequences. I have no pity for myself. My just deserts. My friend made me realize last weekend that I hurt you a lot. That you had to protect yourself by completely closing yourself off from me. I hope that there will come a day that you can forgive me. I will never forget you. Cynically enough you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Unfortunately I turned out not to be that for you. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you are happy or will be’. Again very strange, the type of postcard and his friend that needs to explain the damage he causes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 You need to move on. Stop trying to figure him out and also leave his wife alone. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 (edited) Do you realize how many times he uses the word “I” in that apology. It’s all about him - I now know that I hurt you, but you should feel sorry for me… Edited January 23 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 15 hours ago, Foreign_female said: Again very strange, the type of postcard and his friend that needs to explain the damage he causes. I'm glad you find his behavior strange. I hope that gives you the impetus you need to move on completely. I wish he would stop stalking you and trying to insert himself into your life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreign_female Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 20 hours ago, BaileyB said: Do you realize how many times he uses the word “I” in that apology. It’s all about him - I now know that I hurt you, but you should feel sorry for me… Yes I realize this Bailey, but he is very good in talking so I was always doubting. I'm not self-centered he would say, I'll throw you both into misery etcetera… 7 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I'm glad you find his behavior strange. I hope that gives you the impetus you need to move on completely. I wish he would stop stalking you and trying to insert himself into your life. I hope so to. I will never contact him again but it is heavy to move on Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 On 12/31/2024 at 4:56 PM, Foreign_female said: So that she knows the full story and that he is still mailing me from another email address. I started ignoring him. How can he still be emailing you if you haven't heard from him in 5 months. You knew better than to accept lunch with a married man without his wife being present. You also knew better than to try to have a baby with a married man, so he's right you knew exactly what was happening and what you were getting into. Now that he's chosen his wife over you, you want to hurt him by telling her about the pregnancy. Your best bet is to dust yourself off, learn from this lesson and do better in the future. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 (edited) 1 hour ago, Foreign_female said: He is very good in talking so I was always doubting. I'm not self-centered he would say, I'll throw you both into misery etcetera… Just because he says it doesn’t mean that you have to believe it… Edited January 23 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreign_female Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 52 minutes ago, stillafool said: How can he still be emailing you if you haven't heard from him in 5 months. Read that part again Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 18 minutes ago, Foreign_female said: Read that part again Okay my mistake, you said you haven't spoken to him in 5 months. The rest of my post stands. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 This man is just gross on every level. Raise the bar next time and don't go after married men. Don't let them come after you, either.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreign_female Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 (edited) I will. today I’ve received an email from him. foreign woman, you ignore everything. And that's okay. I decided not to respond anymore but I'm going crazy asking why you suddenly pulled the plug. Our visit had just left that evening. And suddenly you were gone. I don't understand it. I was too much of a coward to make a decision. Point taken. But you ghosted me. I once unfriended you and boy were you angry. And you do it to me in abundance. First I chat too much, then too little. You translate this as disinterest. Whatever, but I did what you asked me to do. Then I get blamed for the fact that you sleep badly because of me. OK. Whatever. Then you sleep soundly again now and I'm happy about that. You don't respond to my card. It's okay. It's clear that I'm a thing of the past. That everything meant nothing. But why did you suddenly pull the plug? Why? I really miss you and that's no lie. If you are dating now, I am happy and relieved. But make sure you are on time for your date. Even without makeup, you are worth it. But I hate an open ending. The card was meant to be that way. the on time thing is a joke, I love his humor but it is out of place in the context. why does he keep bothering me? is this common behavior? Edited February 18 by Foreign_female Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 16 minutes ago, Foreign_female said: is this common behavior? For people as self-absorbed and self-righteous as this guy? Yep. It's how they operate. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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